Love.......

10 years ago

If you've been married for any length of time, such as ten years, do you ever, or have you ever asked your spouse why he/she loves you, and when you've given every wonderful reason, are pumped for more because *that* isn't enough? Is this an insecurity, a means to control, or someone looking to get 'out', but would rather it not be themself, and 'could' be making the attempt to pust the other spouse into separating/divorcing? There are 5 step children involved, youngest is 11, and one of the issues is their total lack of respect of their new 1 yo house, which is beginning to look like a 5 yo house. The parent of these children thinks the spouse overeacts, but this spouse isn't much different that the children, and it's the other spouse who does the majority of cleaning, as well as other household chores, while working a 50 hr per week job. This other spouse works 27-30 hrs per week, but rarely cooks a meal, does the food shopping, or helps with the household chores. The person 'in question' loves the children as well as the spouse, but is so totally frustrated with the present situation and has said, 'i'm done'! Where do you think this might be going and if anything can be done to salvage this marriage. The spouse 'in question' is my son. Thank you.

Featured Answer

sylviatexas1

10 years ago

Why would you want to "salvage this marriage"?

Since it isn't your marriage, you need to be cautious about soliciting or offering opinions or advice unless one of the partners asks for it.

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Comments (10)

patty_cakes42
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you Sylvia, he has. I am trying not to get involved.
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Suzieque
10 years ago
I'm trying to figure out who's who. "Spouse" is used a lot and it seems to vary which it is referring to. Is your son the one who has the step children? Is your son the one that works 50+ hours? Is it his wife who wants out? Is it your son who is disrespectful of the home? Etc.
patty_cakes42 thanked Suzieque
patty_cakes42
Original Author
10 years ago
Suzie, sorry about the confusion, but I didn't want to use the terms husband/wife because I wanted the post to be looked at objectively. Yes to all your questions.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
I think it's the children who are destroying the house.
patty_cakes42 thanked sylviatexas1
patty_cakes42
Original Author
10 years ago
Sylvia, that's a given, but mom doesn't seem to notice or doesn't care, and really doesn't have much to do with the house anyway. It's my son who is frustrated because he does the majority of the cleaning, but no one seems to care if they live in a clean house or if it looks like a pig sty. They break things(faucets, toilet paper holders, cabinet doors/drawers)but of course when asked, no one did it. My son is very easy going on the kids, so they know he'll only ask them why they didn't tell him, without getting punished~he accepts the fact that things *do* get broken. We lived in an upscale area and my children were raised in a very nice as well as clean house, so it's very hard for me to understand why or how he finds this acceptable. Supposedly 'love is blind' and I think I believe it. ;)
tete_a_tete
10 years ago
I think it's empowering to a person to not offer them our opinions, but to just listen.

So your son is trying to involve you, but you don't have to have any opinion (or you can act as though you have no opinion).

I think it will be easier for your son to come to a decision this way.
patty_cakes42 thanked tete_a_tete
patty_cakes42
Original Author
10 years ago
Tete, that's what i'm trying to do. I know they have taken 3 of the kids and gone away up to the mts for a few days vacation. He'll be home on Sun, but she'll be staying with the kids for a few more days. He always calls me on Sun evening so am sure i'll be getting a call.. If he opens up i'll listen. ;)
Beverly Hills
10 years ago
There is a delicate art to being a mother/mother-in-law. I don't know your son's age, but it seems to me that he should try to work out his marriage problems himself or in counseling, not with mom. And remember, there is another side to every story.
patty_cakes42 thanked Beverly Hills
patty_cakes42
Original Author
10 years ago
Sorry BH, just returned from a 'vacay' so am back on the forums. Seems as though things have worked themselves out, but am sure the problem stems from an immature, insecure woman. I asked NO questions, only listened to my son. I have 5 adult children, and no longer think of them as 'children', but more like friends. We discuss things openly, with comfort, just as with any good friend. "I" don't bring up the "subject matter" but if one of them has an issue they want to discuss, i'm always open to listen. This means they usually want my opinion since they are opening up to me. They know i'm I'm very direct, and don't "Mickey Msouse" around, so may not always like *that* opinion. So be it. ;)

Love.......

sylviatexas1

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