There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
David Letterman

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
David Letterman

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
David Letterman

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
David Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman