Need help with parents and brother (long)

8 years ago

Hi! So I am an 18 year old girl. I turned 18 in June. I consider myself, as well as am considered by others, to be quite mature for my age. I have no trouble at all abiding by my parents' rules.
So that's just a bit of a forethought.

My problem is overbearing parents and my 24 year old brother who treats the house like a hotel and I am fed up with dealing with him and my parents not trusting me, even though I have not done anything for them not to. I've always done what they've asked, when they've asked. I do not mind doing my own housework and taking care of my responsibilities, which are as follows:

1. Wash the dishes and clean the kitchen

2. Clean the cat's sand box and food bowls, as well as feed him, when needed (my cat, my responsibility. No issue)

3. Clean up after myself (again, not a problem)

4. Pay for petrol for the car my brother and I share

I do not do my own laundry as my mother has said "I do it anyway, so don't worry about it"
Usually I will tidy up etc. a little more than I am expected as I cannot pay rent due to earning very little while trying to save, but feels as though I should 'pay rent' in a different way such as this. Then I do what I want in the house (play video games, mainly)
I would like to go out with my friends without (mainly my mother) being guilt tripped or feeling like I cannot be trusted out with my friends. I feel like I am stuck in a little box. I try to prove my responsibility by abiding by their rules and doing what they ask. Whenever I want to go out, I have to take my brother with me, which is getting frustrating as I would like to get away from him. Right now, I am allowed to go to the local shops (they're tiny really) with my friends. I am allowed to drink as I live in Australia and my parents allow it in their house. I drink responsibly when I drink at all, and would like to go to bars with my friends. I would like to talk to my parents about it, but I am too scared to bring it up, as I feel like nothing will be resolved.

Now for my brother.
He is 24 years old, has had to finish a 4 year degree at university in 6 years due to, bluntly, laziness, and does not do anything around the house. He is irresponsible, as well as reckless on his motorcycle which does not help my cause as I would also like to have one to ride on road. (I've grown up with the things my entire life, but my mother is worried understandably). He treats the house like a hotel and does not put stuff away when he is finished with it, does not do his ONE SINGLE CHORE of unpacking and repacking the dishwasher, does not respect my wishes regarding my gaming consoles and brushes it off, and always seems to disappear on Saturdays when we clean the house and return when we are done. Quite simply, I am fed up with picking up his responsibilities so that my parents don't come home to a dirty house. He no longer tells them where he is going, how long he'll be or if he'll be home for dinner. He has a job and constantly complains that he wants to move out. He cannot now afford to move out because of his brand new $19,000 motorcycle he bought without actually saving so he can move out, that he has crashed twice within the last 6 months. The bikes is 9 months old, barely. I cannot believe I am more responsible than him and I am tired of cleaning up after him and hearing my parents complain, yet do nothing about it. I want him out. How do I bring this up with my parents also? When I do, they say "we've talked to him multiple times but it does nothing. Maybe he will listen to you". My brother and I are quite close and I love him to death, but I cannot live with him any more or afford to move out. What should I do? Thank you for your help and patience as this may also seem like a bit of a rant. I apologise for that but I am at my wits end. Thank you.

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Comments (2)

DaisyinGA
8 years ago
I sympathize with you. I remember feeling some of the same feelings at your age. I am the mom of kids in their twenties and I know they've had times when they've been frustrated with one another.

It sounds like your issues are:
1. You want to go out with your friends and not have to take your brother along.
2) You feel stuck in a box.

3) You want to be able to ride/have a motorcycle (although it doesn't sound like this is your main issue)

4) You are tired of doing your brother's chores

5) You want your brother to move out.

First of all, in my opinion a busy 18-year-old is a happy, or at least happier, 18-year-old. If you were busy getting some type of college degree or doing some type of job training course and working part time at the same time, or if you were working full time, I think you would be happier. I think your parents would be less in your business and you would have a lot less time to even notice what your brother is doing. If a full time job or a degree isn't possible for you right now, then how about volunteering, which sometimes leads to job opportunities? Intense fitness program?

Your issue#1, wanting to go out with friends and not have to take your brother along - the only thing I can think of is to talk to your parents about this. You shouldn't have to take your brother along. Sorry, I don't know what kind of advice to give as I don't understand why your parents would expect this.

Issue #2, stuck in a box. If you are spending a lot of time at home, doing a few chores and working a part time job, then you are going to feel stuck in a box. See above - go to school, work longer hours if you can, volunteer, learn a skill like sewing or carpentry and market things on etsy, repaint your parents' house (you can learn to do it on their dime, i.e. learn a useful skill), learn to decorate cakes or repair small engines. Do stuff. It is very normal for an 18-year-old young woman to feel stuck in a box if she's not busy doing useful, productive things. Your feelings are normal, I think those feelings are healthy. My kids would be climbing the walls and unhappy with every little thing in their lives if they weren't busy. Your body and your brain are telling you that you are 18 years old and need to be busy learning and doing. If you are stuck in a part time job and college/technical school isn't an option for you, then job hunt, job hunt, job hunt. You need to be moving toward becoming self supporting if you can, so work 2 jobs, work 3 jobs, better yet, go get some type of additional education and job training if you can.

Issue #4, doing your brother's chores. Don't. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Either do it or don't do it, but don't get angry about it if you do it. If you are too busy with school/work/volunteering/exercise/etc, then this won't even be an issue. You'll be too busy to do his chores.

Issue #5, you want your brother to move out. It's your parents' house and it's up to them whether or not they let your brother live there. I wouldn't bring this up with my parents if I were you. I would bring it up if my brother was bringing illegal drugs into the house, if he was bringing friends home who threatened me, things like that. But you never know what might happen to you later in life and you might need to come back and live with your parents. I wouldn't pressure them to kick him out over the things you've mentioned. Again, if you are busy with school/work/volunteering/exercise/etc., then you'll be too busy to care where your brother lives.

Re your brother not respecting your wishes about your gaming system, get some type of lockable box and lock your stuff up when you're not using it.

Ooops, I forgot that one of your issues was that you want to go out with your friends, period, and your parents won't let you. I sympathize with that because my parents gave me some unfair difficulties over that issue. It's been over 35 years and I still don't understand why they were like that. Again, this would probably be fixed if you were busy with a job, school, etc. For example, if you were getting a college degree, then you could have all sorts of school related reasons to be out and about on campus at night. Study groups, art presentations at the university theater, campus volunteering, etc. After awhile the problem of not being able to go out with your friends would probably work itself out as your parents got used to you being gone places at night.

I understand why it's tempting to compare yourself to your brother, but regardless of whether or not your parents are being fair, comparing yourselves like that isn't going to make you happier. You cannot control other people, but you can control yourself. What can YOU do to enrich your life? I am not telling you this to smack your hand, but to empower you.

I hope you find something wonderful to do with your life!
User
8 years ago
The biggest thing you need to concentrate on is getting a college degree so that you can afford to move out and have a nice life. Your parents and your brother are not going to change. The best predictor of the future is the past and it seems like they are content in their ways.
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Need help with parents and brother (long)

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DaisyinGA

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