I would ask if your dad knows how badly this affects you mom. If he knows, or is doing this passive aggressively, I'd forbid it.

CA Kate, yes, we have told him how upset she gets when he takes her there and there is no controlling him. However, I do share POA over Mom with him... his name is listed 1st then mine.

I know that when we moved my MIL here to Georgia from Ohio all she wanted was to go home. Doctors and staff suggested we not do this or ignore her and change her focus or subject. this was very hard on my husband who was now responsible for her care. Bur various family members when they talked to her on the phone would ask the question, don't you miss your home and her answer was always YES. We tried our best to ask everyone not to ask her that. Of course she missed her home that she had lived in for years. Talk to the people at the facility to see what they suggest. Is your dad handling her care? If he wants to take her out then it should be for a ride, some place she enjoyed going to visit. Good luck to you.

Wow, that's awful. Your poor mother.

I think this qualifies as abuse and based on that, perhaps you can take legal action to have his visits supervised.

grandmamary_ga, Mom is in my home, not a facility and no he does not handle anything concerning her. Thank you for the best wishes :)

mimipadv, I have contacted several attorneys and cannot find one that will say that I do have a case against him :(

Maybe an elder attorney is the one to talk too. We used one for my MIL and he was very helpful to my husband in the care of his mother. It might be expensive but in the end he is very helpful.

I would wonder if he is taking her home to have sex with her rather than just visiting it. He may confirm if you ask him directly. If this is the reason you need to talk to an attorney and not allow him to take her.

I was wondering if he wanted sex also, wonder if mom would tell you. Thing is she may not want it & if he forces her it is basically rape. She might want it but doesn't enjoy it because her body is dried & needs lubricating to do it. If that is off the table then does she want to get back in the car or is he forcing her. This may require you going & spying on the house to see if you can find out what is going on. If there is yelling or a fight to get her back in car then you need to record it to show a lawyer. Might be as simple as just wanting to stay in her own home or something else. I take it she has dementia, or wears diapers, something dad doesn't want to have to deal with. Not fair to you tho for him to do this. Is she cooking for him? Need to find out what is going on at his house.

Some people seem to be leaping to some rather dramatic conclusions without sufficient information.

This may sound cynical, but after a few years as Care Giver you may be desperate for someone to take care of her for a few hours so you can get stuff done. This is *VERY* easy to burn out on. (As an aside, it is very possible he burned out on this years ago...he's got to be pretty old to, and I suspect he has to deal with her "fighting mad" a lot).

I'd suggest better places he could take her and focus on getting errands and such done while he has her.

Elder rape of spouses is one of the problems reported by nursing homes so it is not a dramatic conclusion but too often a fact.

I'm with sunny_ca on finding what's happening. You'll have to spy on them somehow. A rather distasteful concept but you can't solve a problem if you don't know what it is. I look at that as part of the "take care of the caregiver" concept because understanding or defining the problem or determining if there even is a problem relieves a lot of stress; makes decisions easier.

Reason I mentioned rape is because it happened & no one knew it until lady had dr. appt & dr. called family in & said, what's going on. Lady is all bruised inside to point of doing damage so this has got to stop. They finally got her to tell them that he wanted sex several times a day & he insisted & since they were married she thought she should(married close to 60 yrs. So these things do happen & the family was about in shock. He was put in a home & as he got worse they were in same room as that problem was long gone. This was very loving couple so last thing in world you would expect but dementia does that to people. Women often think it is too embarrassing to tell anyone.

And when he died they had to club his prostate to death.