I think email is complicated. You get zero benefit of observing one's tone and delivery. There's guaranteed to be lots of guessing about what someone "really" meant. And there is no natural end to a conversation -- no "hug goodbye" -- as was apparent in your case. I think folks are also less inhibited at a keyboard than in person. In your case you were able to communicate disagreement through your email -- you probably hadn't done that before in person. In her case, she was able to be snarky -- also probably hadn't done that before in person. Although email and texting seems to be how relationships are maintained thee days, maybe the two of you would be better if you went back to phoning?

Makes sense. Our problem is we love to gab. If we talked on the phone we'd get nothing done. But I do know her well and I can tell the tone of her emails.

I've been lucky and have only known a handful of people who get kind of pissy (can I say that? lol) if someone dares to disagree with them. They get mad.

Her immediate family of females go long periods of not talking to each other. Now I see why. :)

What Jake said. I wonder what you mean by "true colors"? Not everyone was taught how to deal with conflict. Do you know how she feels when you disagree with her? Perhaps it hits her HARD, perhaps it causes her to doubt herself sooo deeply she doesn't know what to say next? No one is perfect and many of us have differing levels of maturity. At what point do you weigh all the fun, good of your relationship with her and accept this flaw and still love? This isn't a person who you rub elbows with daily. This is a long distance friendship, the kind where ignoring this flaw might actually be pretty easy. Is life so full an entire person can be deleted because of one facet of their personality you can't have patience with?

Arcy, you don't know what true colors mean? You are making quite the assumption about me in your reply. Nowhere did I say or imply I would delete her from my life. And it's not really a long distance friendship either. She lives an hour away. We're family and extremely close. It's just that this is the first time in 40 years we've ever disagreed and it was on the most trivial and ridiculous topic you could imagine. Equal to me liking a pair of shoes and she doesn't. We disagreed on something that has nothing to do with either of us.

She and I have each other's backs. Always. I was just thrown for a loop at how she reacts to someone disagreeing with her is all.

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced "true colors" with people in their lives. Guess not. :)

Why do you assume that because the topic of the disagreement was trivial to you, it was also trivial to her? To me, it clearly wasn't.

let it go.

Lots of people react badly when disagreed with. But more interesting than that fact is that you have agreed with this person on every subject, idea, like and dislike for forty years. I would not have thought that possible except between clones!

Have you considered the possibility that all this time she was just agreeing with you?

If you have been that close to this woman for 40 years and there have only been two disagreements then I think both of you have been fortunate. And I'm not sure this is an indication of her 'true colors' - wouldn't something like this have surfaced at other times during your long friendship. It almost makes me wonder if perhaps there are other things happening in her life.

This obviously bothers you and if you value the friendship have you thought about calling her and bringing this up? Simply say that you've enjoyed your long, long friendship but that you noticed these two incidents and ask her about it. You don't need to apologize for disagreeing but you could easily say that you were sorry that the disagreement upset her. Then see what develops in the conversation.

Oprah's Life Lesson From Maya Angelou: 'When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them' (VIDEO)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/14/oprah-life-lesson-maya-angelou_n_2869235.html

....maybe her giving you the silent treatment is her way of stopping herself from writing something she thinks may hurt you.

Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all.

I am not sure you are looking at this correctly. You say you've known her well-- and then that you now see her true colors. I don't think "true colors" come out after 40 yr.. and also, after 40 yr, two instances of disagreement seem small in comparison to the large number of years of enjoyment gabbing.

I think it IS hard to read tone-- even with people you know well. Worse, I think ALL things have a tendency to come out much harsher in printed form. I don't think we're always aware of how we come across. For instance, your response to arcy above read as incredibly harsh to me... sarcastic, condescending and combative. Seems like an overreaction to someone offering help and insight. I trust/hope you did not mean it to sound as harsh as it did. These are the things that can unknowingly hurt people's feelings.

It did sound as though you were ready to be done with communications with your relative. That's what i took away from your original post. It's good to hear that is not what you meant. You've been the bigger person in the past-- breaking the silent treatment. You can do it again.. if the 40 years of close friendship are worth it to you. I imagine a call and an "agree to disagree" approach will clear things up. It may be that there are certain topics you just don't discuss/share with this person. I have topics I don't discuss with people in my life.. even the closest people. I know we disagree.. I respect that we have our own opinions and came to them via different paths. We aren't going to learn more from each other or sway the other.. so I avoid them. I think sometimes this is healthier. Not all people enjoy a spirited, respectful disagreement.. or even know how to participate in one.

Jmc, trust me, it was trivial. It was about liking or not liking a certain actor. His acting, not him as a person. Could it get anymore trivial I ask you? lol. It was such a short convo in email and I didn't say bad things about him either. I just let her know I wasn't crazy about him.

Maddie, it doesn't bother me that much, just a little because it's kind of shocking to find out if I disagree with her, no matter the topic, she simply doesn't like it.

There's no silent treatment going on either. The gist of my post was wondering if you all have experienced something similar?

Thanks for the article, Lucy. I'll take a look at it in a bit.

Funky, since I know her so well, I can read the tone she uses. Can't you with people you've known all your life?

I have to agree with many of the responses. Emailing and texting don't offer the benefit of tone and body language or facial expression. You're assuming a scenario but when one assumes they are usually wrong; who knows what else in life is going on that could be influencing the conversation. I would think that a forty year relationship would deserve more tolerance or understanding.

I've also learned through trial and error that it's okay to disagree but it takes a certain grace especially if there are strong personalities involved.

The silent treatment is childishly punitive. I'm sorry as I'm sure you don't deserve it.

I think I can read tone.. but i can't always-- even with my parents or my sisters. I know I am often misread in emails too. Perhaps you are clear and correct about her tone.. but you may be less clear on how you came across. I'll also add that my mother sometimes thinks she's getting the silent treatment when she isn't. Shrug.

I don't know the situation.. or the person so I am just sharing my experiences. Communication is so much trickier in this electronic world. I have been communicating electronically both personally and professional for a long time-- I think of myself as a seasoned veteran LOL. Still, there are plenty of miscommunications. Big and small.

Hi Oakley,

I hope everything works out for you and your friend. After 40 years, it would be terrible for a friendship to change for the worse over an actor!

As far as tone via an email--that can be tricky. My sister and I (who are very very close) had a conversation via facebook--it was a group conversation. We disagreed, and I was very worried about how my tone came across. And then very worried about her response. It could be read as sarcastic or read as okay. I of course called her to clarify things, but didn't want to leave a public record of a disagreement on facebook, so I was sure to write--"I hope you are not mad? I can't tell from this...." I went on to clarify my thoughts and then let her know I was calling her. (This was all over a chain book event that I backed out of--leading to all the others backing out as well). It all turned out okay, but I felt upset until everything was "fixed."

Anyway, I hope it all works out, and the two of you talk to make sure that she isn't hurt/mad or whatever. If this is the first time you have disagreed, maybe there is something going on such that she reacted so strongly--and you should call to be sure she is okay!

I think what Oakley wanted here was others offering examples similar to what happened to her."When someone shows their true colors." "Have you ever been in a similar situation? If so, how do you deal with it?"

Sometimes people can surprise you in unexpected ways. Long story short, I have a life long friend who was not as supportive of me as I would have liked when I have a surprise diagnosis and then major surgery within two months.

We are friends for over 45 years. I expected her to visit me. If it happened to her, I would have dropped everything and went to her after I heard the news. She lives an hour away. She called, sent flowers, but did not come to see me. This surprised me and it has taken me a long time to get over it.

What I came away with is that we really weren't the friends I thought we were. Simple as that. I have totally adjusted my way of thinking towards her. I guess you could say that she showed her true colors in how she felt about me and our friendship.

Something's not adding up for me. Twice you've disagreed with her in email. In this morning's email you didn't like the tone of her reply, but that means she did reply. That puts the ball in your court, but you're already assuming she's going to give you the silent treatment like she did before.

So let's look at the other time, this past summer. You said she did reply but it was short and to the point and snarky. Then you got the silent treatment. After two weeks you contacted her and everything was fine. Is that correct? How is she giving you the silent treatment when she's the last to reply in both incidences?

I am still trying to work out how one change in behavior against 40 years of friendship constitutes that person's "true colors." Maybe in 40 years she's allowed to have a bad day or even a bad year, without one singular event completely changing your mind about her. Did you ever consider giving her the benefit of the doubt, or just shrugging it off and going on as if nothing had happened? In that long history surely she has built up enough goodwill with you to overlook something as admittedly trivial as this. How do you think people stay married for decades? :-)

People of all ages have a hard time communicating with email, social media etc. Because you can't hear their voice or see their facial or body expressions. Also because people say things in email and social media to each other that they would never say on a phone call or face to face. I hear about misunderstandings from teenagers as as well as older folk. Please keep that in mind from your end as well as hers.

My 2nd thought is that perhaps there is something happening with your friend that you don't' know about. Perhaps she is dealing with something she has not shared with you and is a little bit on edge.

I would try going back to phone calls and use a timer if you tend to talk to long.

I work with a family member who I say you can never win an argument with. That isn't to say I argue with him, I know better by now. I know many people the same way that don't take a differing opinion well, in fact I think most people don't like to be disagreed with, but handle it better because they are more secure in themselves. What I have learned is not to be the same way, so I can be more alert to my own behavior. He is a reminder of me to be alert to my own behavior.

Someone who has been very dear to me recently showed her "true colors" by behaving in a manner exactly as her mother would behave ... her mother, whom she and I have often spoken of and understood to be manipulative, unreasonable, and downright hateful. The saying that about the apple not falling far from the tree resonated with me, and it makes me sad that she has chosen this road. I won't pretend to know all the ins and outs of what you're dealing with, Oakley, but in my own situation I have resigned myself to no further contact unless and until she decides she wants it. I've made repeated overtures which have been met with a less than enthusiastic response, so I'm understanding that even though you may have once been close to someone and still desire that closeness, unless it is reciprocal you are really just spinning your wheels to try to force the issue. I hope someday my friend will realize things differently, but in the meantime I have intentionally decided not to dwell on it.

I hope that you and your friend resolve any hurt feelings. If you are both open and authentic, that will help tremendously.

I've only had to deal with "true colors" early on in a friendship while I'm still getting to know the person. That's when I decide what kind of friend or not they will become. I can't imagine being friends with someone for 40 years and just learning about a side of them I didn't know before.

Here's a thought - if you have been friends for 40 years, I would assume you are both over 50 years old. Perhaps your friend is beginning to have age-related personality/behavioral changes or disorders?

Email is tricky so maybe you both can let this one pass and go back to enjoying your telephone friendship. I know how you feel about having someone shut down or be cold because you said you disagreed with them. Some people can't stand anyone who disagrees with them. They take it as an attack on their person and seek out people who always support them. As long as you agree, they are fun and friendly. It makes me wonder if they are being truly honest so I just keep it lighthearted and don't expect much in return. Some people like this can be truly kind and generous when given praise and you know how it is when they hear things they don't like.

While I agree that you do know someone well after 40 years, people do change - some more than others - over time or overnight. Factors such as something going on at home, stress, depression or (dare I say) hormones. Then there are those that never ever won't to be wrong, and won't admit it when they are. They get mad and/or start an argument/disagreement in order to avoid. Maybe you're reading it wrong, and it's gone overboard in your mind. Whatever it may be, I hope you are both able to focus on the friendship and forget the negatives.