Having Trouble Warming up to Step Grandson

10 years ago

I have been married to a wonderful man for 21 years. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage who were 9 and 6 when we got married. I was never that into kids and never really wanted a family of my own but when I married him, I was determined to be a good stepmom. Since my husband had shared parenting I was very involved with the girl's lives. We did many things as a family over the years that I enjoyed more than I thought I would and I am proud to say I have wonderful relationships with both of my stepdaughters. The oldest daughter is now married and has 2 young boys, the oldest is 4. I am having such a hard time warming up to this child and I don't know why. He is a very well-behaved, intelligent little boy but for some reason I just can't relate to him, and the feeling is definitely mutual. Whenever he comes to visit, he will go to my husband and give him a big hug totally unsolicited but he will barely acknowledge me unless coaxed by his parents. I keep hoping our relationship will improve as he grows and matures, and I am not happy with myself at all for feeling this way but at the same time I can't help how I feel. I really want to like him. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Comments (6)

sushipup1
10 years ago
Not a response to your question, but do you really refer to him as a step grandson? He's the son of your step daughter, who you helped to raise. At some point, I think that you can drop the "step" and just reger to your grandson, son of your stepdaughter. Sometimes terminology can be limiting.

Kids at that age may react a lot to things like perfumes or other scents. I'd probably just relax and let things happen. Talk to him, bake cookies, do things. He'll come around.
leirin
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you for responding.

No, I don't usually refer to him as my step grandson. When I talk about him to people I know, he's simply my grandson. I referred to him as my step grandson here only for clarification to the board how we are related.

That is what I am hoping. We live a few hours away from him so we don't seem him all the time and there is always that getting reacquainted issue which doesn't help.
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BB Galore
10 years ago
"I was never that into kids and never really wanted a family of my own..."

Sounds a bit chilly. Maybe you're just not much of a nurturer. I'm sure you can be gracious and make your grandkids feel welcome, without having to go grandma ga-ga all over them. As they age, you'll find more comfortable ways to interact with them.
grandmamary_ga
10 years ago
My oldest granddaughter is a step. She has 2 younger siblings. She was so hard to love. My husband and I made every attempt to attend every event she was in with her even if it was across town for us. We did it. She just never seem to appreciate anything we did. Now today she is in her 30's and has 2 children of her own. Different fathers for both children. One she married and divorced and we attended that wedding. The second baby daddy we have never met. But the little girl is also a doll. the oldest child seems so sad to me and she never seems to smile much in pictures. They live far from us. I do send cards and gifts for their birthdays and holidays. It is a hard situation to be in having a step grandchild. I would just be as friendly as you can with the little guy, play games with him, make cookies with him even boys enjoy this. Take him out on his own and see what he is all about. He will open up to you. One of the fond memories I have with my grandson is making chocolate chip cookies and my now 25 year old grandson said grandma that was so much fun when we made those cookies when I was little and you let me put in the ingredients you had already set out to do. I loved eating the chocolate chips I would steal one or two or 10. Grandchildren can enrich your life so much, step or real. Most of mine call from time to time just to say HI, grandma. I have 6 and 2 greats.
User
10 years ago
You sound like a nurturer to me, if only for the fact that you're reaching out trying to figure out why you're not clicking with your grandson. But, of course, more than that since you've had many years of enjoyment and warmth with your husband's children.

Don't over think this and try to relax because he could be picking up on your trepidation and internalizing it, even though he (and you) have done nothing wrong.

I hope you both can relax and connect more upon his next visit!
veronicasgrandma
10 years ago
Your relationship won't improve unless you make a real effort, you're the adult. Make a date for just him and you to do something together, call him occasionally just to say hi and ask how he's doing. Good luck!

Having Trouble Warming up to Step Grandson

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leirin
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Having Trouble Warming up to Step Grandson

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leirin
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