Greetings Nita1950 ... fom a guy who goes back to 1929, I take my hat off to you who, with a noble heart, has been so kindly disposed to relatives who have treated you so poorly. With regard to his trip, the major difference is distance. I expect that, as a pizza driver, he may well have had a few hard knocks to deal with, or ones that could have become so. He has quite probably run into some difficult situations, which, in deference to your concerns, he has not revealed to you in their entirety: people can sometimes get into some rather hot water, close to home, let's not forget. It has long seemed to me a wise idea for a parent to discuss various potential results that might develop if one were to follow varying courses of action in certain situations, as our children grew up, though I was partially removed, being a non-resident father from the time that ours were rather young. It has seemed to me important, our world having become as complex as it is, and with innovations happening so rapidly, to encourage our children to develop reasoning skills and the ability to navigate their way through the increasing complexities of life. To prepare themselves step by step for independence. My daughter spent I think that it was her junior year in High School as an exchange student in Hamburg, Germany, living wih a family where the father was an engineer in the city administration. She said that, while she was happy to go with them as a little mouse in the back seat on various trips, she did some travelling on her own, going with a school group to camp above Florence for about a week, I think, and she did some travelling through Europe and in ... was it Morocco? in North Africa. Her Mom being from Iowa, she has dual citizenship and, following the breakup of hewr marriage, took off for Arizona ... California ... a few years ago, settled in Prescott, found work, later moved to Phoenix ... returned to Ontario, Canada after a layoff, and when her Mom was battling cancer, but since has returned to AZ, where she plans to locate. She's a venturesome spirit and, if she may have encountered some minor difficulties alog the road, has been able to cope with them effectively. I grew up on a farm near here, had never travelled more than 30 miles from home ... till my Dad, due partly to health problems, relocated to the prairies when I was a teen. After Univ., on grad from (liberal Protestant) seminary, near the end of the Korean War I asked and was appointed as a missionary and refugee resettlement worker to go to Korea ... this kid who had neve seen an ocean spent more than 2 weeks on it: it gives one an idea of how large our world is. And the Korean War had ended in a truce in 1953 (there's still been no peace agreement) by the time that I arrived, but the refugees were having a hard time. I hope that you can rest easily, trusting that this precious child will be fine as he embarks on this new adventure ... as I think that there are about 999 chances in 1,000 to be the case. And even if the one potential difficulty should occur, quite likely it will be minor, and easily coped with. I've been hearing that some of our kids are breaking down in college, largely due to their having been driven everywhere, so carefully shepherded at home, and scheduled, etc. that they've found it almost impossible to cope with life on their own. That's tough - we need for the next generation to be innovative, self-reliant, etc. and not lacking in self-confidence ... and, from what you've said, I don't think that your young son is on such a path. Good wishes to both of you, as you embark on this new adventure: it's time to let him off of the leash, right? ole joyful

Hi silversword. Thanks for the response. A PI is Public Intoxication. He was actually walking along the sidewalk with one foot on the curb, one foot off, trying to catch a cab. We live in a college town and it was a football rally night and tons of students were out (along with lots of cops to keep things in line). Don't think he was drunk - just had had a drink but the point is: why the heck would you be drinking at all if you just got a DWI 4 days earlier?? I'd be freaked out. That's why we are pretty sure he has a drinking problem. As for drugs, he's said he tried pot but didn't like it at all. Don't think there's coke or anything else involved b/c I think he would be dropping those 30+ lbs he's gained. In fact, I overheard him talking to the Assessment Counselor for that 6 week recovery class we're 'making him' go to and he said only alcohol and 'dip'. But I agree - it does sound/look like drugs. Seriously, to meet my son, you would think he was just fine. Clean cut, manners, talks intelligently - but it's all just that 'performance' he does, I think, because 'if I look good on the outside, I must be okay'. Very sad. Oh- the student loans are $30,000-private university (which we co-signed on and agreed to pay half since he planned to get a business/accounting degree - math brain -and should be making a salary to take on those loans) plus the $8000+ in credit cards plus the DWI lawyer($2500) + fines related to that. Yes, it's huge. And stressful. And unfortunately, to cope, he blows it off. And apparently drinks. He does recognize he's self sabotaging but again, he knows what to do to change and can't make himself do it. I'm thinking more depression. But he refused medication the first time around and I had to agree mainly because he drinks and I was afraid of the combination. Heavy sigh...

I think that this is a much bigger question than what the wording should be. Please forgive me if I am getting too personal. I may be way off base here, but perhaps this is something you might want to think about. I would suggest rethinking the idea of your fiance making any public vows at the ceremony to your son. No matter how much they love each other and no matter how thrilled your son is about the marriage, they aren't really getting married to each other, are they? You and your fiance chose each other, and you are the ones making the commitment of marriage. Your son may love the idea, but he isn't the one who got engaged; this would be a vow in which he has no choice -- even if you gave him the choice, how could he say no? (I realize you are just talking about a one-way vow from your fiance to him, but still, that affects the "vow-ee.") Your post refers to your fiance's making vows to your son "along with the ones that she says to me." But any kind of vows he makes to your son are, and should be, very different from the ones he makes to you. I think the close juxtaposition could make your son uncomfortable, even if he doesn't say anything about it to you (and even if he isn't himself totally conscious of it). Any child whose parent is remarrying, even a child who is very happy about it, will have mixed feelings, at least sometimes. That's normal and healthy. It's a big change in his life, and even good changes are stressful. It's wonderful -- really wonderful -- that they get along great. But what is the purpose of a vow, or any other kind of public commitment ceremony? What would it mean? When your son leaves home, would he be breaking it? If his father is alive, even if they have a poor relationship, what would this mean with regard to that? And what will happen when, inevitably, your son and your new husband quarrel? The added emotional load of some sort of vow can't help. You mention you have heard of others doing this. Unfortunately, some of those marriages probably didn't last. What is the psychological effect upon the child then, when the vows to him/her are broken along with the vows to Mom/Dad? I'm not saying this will happen to you; it's just a thought for the concept in general. Although I am sure that the adults truly believe they are doing this for the children's sake, to make them "special" and "involved" too, I suspect that this practice is at bottom more for the adults' feelings than for the kids' true well-being. Consider if you wouldn't get pretty much the same positive effect by doing things like having him be either your or your fiance's honor attendant and having your fiance make a fabulous toast to him at the reception which could come very close to a vow and include all the wonderful things he would have said if he'd done it during the ceremony. Maybe if the two of them really want some sort of ceremony for their own relationship, they could do it privately or just with family the day before the wedding or some other time. You will think of other ideas, too, I'm sure. Whatever you do will be lovely and meaningful. But for a variety of reasons I would keep it separate from the vows you and your husband will make to each other. Like the string about children "giving away" their parents. It's just too big an emotional load to impose on them, even though it all seems wonderful at the time. Please forgive me for being a wet blanket. As I said, I may be totally off here. But it is something to think about, perhaps with your clergy or whoever you go to for advice. You might also consider talking to adult friends whose parents remarried when they were your son's age. They will have a good perspective. The most important thing, of course, is that you all love each other, and you are all committed to being a family. You don't need a ceremony for that! Congratulations to all of you.

Ah Robert, I feel for you. Your wife feels guilty and therefore feels the need to alleviate that guilt through money, or letting him live with you, etc. She is the mother bear to a cub that has grown up and still feels the need to protect him. The challenge with "loaning" money to the kids is that if it isn't repaid, then how can we feel good about loaning more? I'd rather they at least try to pay and then let me forgive the rest of the debt if I choose. A mother always feels that no one will love and protect their child like she will and I'm here to tell you that she'll lie to you if she feels you're not accepting or have empathy of her sons plight (immaturity). Maybe rather than "buck" her in this try to find a place where she'll feel that you are "protecting" him? Whatever you do, do NOT tell her what a lazy SOB he is. And if that's already occurred, figure out a way to "undo" it. Did he finish his education? Does he have a viable way of making a working wage? If you have it in your heart could you possibly tell her that you'll forgive the debts and not bring it up again if she'll work with you in helping him help himself?