When friends ask how you are doing

bleusblue2

I always feel it's my job to tell them I'm OK. Because I am OK and because they are worried that I am not OK. Still, I could tell them I am not forgetting and that I am weeping every day even though it's almost a year. I don't tell them. And I don't want to assume that they don't know that. So there is no point in saying anything but, "I'm fine." Most people are worried about provoking tears so if that happens I have to comfort them -- "It's OK."

When my husband went to the hospital, somehow I was sure he'd come home and then we'd work on his other health problems. So even though I was afraid, I blocked it out. The doctor thought he was doing well and he was scheduled to come home but passed away the day before. And since I thought he was coming home the next day, I wasn't properly afraid for him. I didn't say sweet things to him. I didn't worry about him and comfort him. It's almost the anniversary of his passing and now I remember what we were doing last year at this time, getting ready for the hospital, tests, all that stuff. I'll live with that and pray we meet again.

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Rose Pekelnicky

I always say"Not too bad". I am not fine or OK, don't think I ever will be again. I lost my husband in Aug 2013 from pancreatic cancer.

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bleusblue2

Hi Rose -- I know what you mean. I say I'm OK because I am able to go about my day, do my duties, laugh with friends, and if you didn't know what we had been through in the past year, you wouldn't guess what happened.

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Miz_G

I used to just say, "I'm surviving."

I lost a lot of friends after my husband died. They couldn't handle how much the tragedy changed me. One thing I heard often: "I want my friend back. I miss "you". You're so sad all the time." This was told to me weeks after. It really shook me to my core, after everything else.

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bleusblue2

I can't believe you have such insensitive friends. But one thing I am aware of, and the reason I started this thread is that, now that it's almost a year many people have a feeling that this loss is far behind me. Some don't realise how you carry it with you every day. And I don't want to put the dot on the I if they are so unaware. What would I say? I don't want to bring my pain to the forefront. It is my pain, not theirs and one day they may know it too.

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Miz_G

Yes, I found that, too. We're supposed to be "over it" at a certain point they deem is proper, and is most comfortable for them (in my experience, anyway). Interesting, though, I never heard that after losing my mom, and other loved ones, just my husband. I can bring up my mother, missing her, etc, and get an understanding smile .... not if I bring up my husband.

Hugs to you, the anniversary days are so hard.


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mdln

"Still a hard time, but taking it one day at a time," became my response.

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socks

I've not been in your position, Bleu, and so sorry for your loss. I like mdln's response. Or how about, "I have my ups and downs, thank you for asking."

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SandieFL

I lost my dear husband in February. I know that the first year is supposed to be the hardest,and the first time I go to where we always went together,but it seems to get harder everyday. My heart knows what all of you are feeling.

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mdln


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bleusblue2

Our losses brought us to this forum. I am at the one year mark and two days ago an acquaintance said to me, "You're looking very nice." and then "Do you think you will meet somebody new?" I was surprised. I forgive her insensitivity; I don't expect her to understand. I guess for her, one year is a long time. She wouldn't want to purposely hurt me -- but again, she must have that idea -- one year is 'enough time.'

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Ninapearl

i *like* the second graph. that explains it so much better.

bleusblue, i'm so sorry for your loss. in a couple of weeks it will be 8 years since i lost the love of my life after a 2 year battle with kidney cancer. i am grieving as much today as i did the day he died. while the sting isn't as intense, it is still there. i have not, nor do i think i ever will, reach "acceptance". i guess i have accepted the way my life will be forever now, i still do not accept the idea that a lovely man who lived his life to please others and was so very compassionate to animals, was taken by such a horrible, painful disease. how is this fair? i cannot stop asking myself.

i have often said that if i am lucky enough to get to Heaven, the first thing i intend to do is ask God why. a friend once told me that it won't matter, the reason will stay elusive but i won't care because i will be reunited with gary. each day i am alive is one day closer to being with him again.

the first year was hard, very hard. i found the second year to be even more difficult because that is when it became "final" to me. until then, i still expected to see him burst through the door hiding a walmart bag behind his back because he thought i would like whatever it was he bought. :) oh, how i miss that!!

when i'm asked how i am doing, i just say fine, thanks for asking. when i am asked if i am dating yet (dating at 64 years old sounds ridiculous), i answer that question with another question...i have already had the best, why would i settle for less?

some day, there will be another man in my life. he will have a big, blocky great dane head, 4 legs, and a wagging tail.

i have always said, this kind of grief never gets better. it does, however, get "different". it becomes more tolerable and less a way of life. you will get there in your own time.

(((hugs)))

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bleusblue2

Ninapearl -- Thanks for sharing your experience so thoughtfully. I am starting to understand your comment about the feelings after a year -- there's a kind of lonely feeling that just comes over you, I can't find a description for it but I guess it's true -- the finality comes over you; maybe because you've plumbed the depths of memory, missing, wishing. There was a two year battle with cancer before your husband died; my story isn't an exact parallel but I can tell you I was exhausted and didn't know it. Surely, you went through that too. Now there is all this time. There's just nothing to do and yes, I pray to meet him. That wonderful great dane will tide you over!!!

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Ninapearl

lonely...yes. i am so lonely for him, i long to feel his touch, hear his voice, see his smile. those are the things i am lonely for. however, while i miss him terribly, my life isn't lonely in that i have 12 years of memories of the best time in my life and i have my dogs (2 dane girls at the moment), to keep me company. i know a lot of people cannot fathom the idea of dogs keeping me sane and "happy" but they do. life without them would be almost intolerable. they are a huge comfort to me, especially at night. nighttime is the worst, especially this time of year when it gets dark so early and my mind begins to wander back to happier times. *sigh*

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