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Saturday. 4/4/15

11 years ago

We've been told by Hospice that DH is nearing end-of-life. It's been a really long-haul, and on one hand I'm glad it's almost over, but on the other I'm sad that this must also mean the dear man's death. Too, too sad.

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Comments (15)

sushipup1
11 years ago
Oh, Kate, it must be awful for you. I wish you strength and peace during this time. My deepest sympathies, too.
hoovergal
11 years ago
Prayers and hugs going out to you. I am so sorry.
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OT: Lest We Forget....15 Years Since 4-15-95
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I was working as a temp at Fred Jones Manufacturing, about of mile, as the crow flies, from the Murrah building. The week before our fire alarms had gone off. Someone on the third floor had run into one of the sprinklers with a forklift. Because of all the volatile chemicals present in the building, once the alarms went off we had to evacuate, even though we knew in five minutes what had happened. But alarms in our building went off simultaneously at the nearest fire station so we were required to wait until we had an all clear from the firemen before we could return. When we felt the blast we just figured this time someone had dropped a forklift. We got up and prepared to head downstairs expecting to evacuate again. On our way to the stairs we looked in the offices to the east to see if they, too, were preparing to leave the building. ThatÂs when we saw the smoke and all the papers flying around in the street below us. All the plate glass windows on the ground floor shattered, and you could smell the stench. Many of the smaller windows on the upper floors were cracked, and the blast put a crack in the east wall of the building, originally completed in 1916, that was not there before. Two of the men I worked with lost their wives. They both worked for HUD and were at the sign-in desk when the bomb went off. One had been married about 12 years at the time. They had spent most of their first ten years of marriage trying to have a child. Finally, about a year before the bombing they had a little boy. Until about a month prior to the bombing he had been in the day care center in the Murrah building. They had taken him back the week before the bombing for a birthday party. They took lots of pictures of all the kids at the party. He was asked to take those pictures and go to Denver to testify during the sentencing phase of the trial. Poor man, he was so grief-stricken at losing his wife that he moved back in with his mother to have help with the little boy and never again lived in the house heÂd shared with his wife. Another man had a "near miss" with his wife. She also worked for HUD and, under normal circumstances, would have been right there with the other two menÂs wives, but her job involved travel to Indian communities. She had a regularly scheduled travel date that conflicted with their only childÂs, a daughter, soccer game so she traded and traveled on the 19th to be home for the girlÂs soccer game. My daughter and her best friend, just two years out of high school, were both working evening shifts. My daughter was waiting tables at a restaurant near our apartment, and her friend worked at the sign-in desk at what was then the Westin Hotel downtown. I think itÂs now a Sheraton. Being accustomed to staying up late they didnÂt wake up until maybe 10 am. Once they heard the news they took off together to see what they could do to help. First they tried the Oklahoma Blood Institute which had put out a call for O negative donations (my daughter is not O negative, not sure about her friend), but every donation center was swamped. They had to turn away people because there would simply not be enough time in the day to take that many donations. They went to a fabric store to buy ribbons. No ribbon color had yet been selected to represent the city and the tragedy so they picked purple. Late that first night they took their spools of ribbon downtown and tied them around all the poles along the marked off perimeter of the area. The next night a policeman would remember having seen my daughter tying ribbons. Next they tried volunteering for anything that was needed. Again, they were turned away everywhere because everyone was swamped with people volunteering to help. They finally managed to convince someone, Red Cross I think, that they had something to offer most of their other volunteers didnÂt. They were young, worked evenings, and were accustomed to being up very late. They could be there to help in the middle of the night when most of their other volunteers needed to get some rest. Mostly they just served drinks to the rescuers, police, and others working on the rescue effort. This is when the policeman remembered seeing my daughter tying ribbons the night before. My daughterÂs friend "caught" a rescue worker buying himself a soft drink from a vending machine on the hotelÂs first floor. She "scolded" him and pointed out that one flight up, on the Mezzanine, rescue workers were being provided drinks for free. I remember a news article where some of the rescuers who came from New York remarked about how in 1993, the first time the World Trade Center was attacked, street vendors showed up charging outrageous prices for coffee and sandwiches. Here, we pretty much fed them for free. Cots were set up in the convention center for the rescuers to sleep rather than them having to pay for hotel accommodations, and the governorÂs wife worked with local florists to see that a rose was placed on each cot every night. Whenever the rescue effort put out a call for supplies, I specifically remember boots for the search dogs, in short order they would be literally inundated. WeÂd hear the local news people ask for something then the next thing you hear is, "Please, we have enough of this, no more!" I have a friend who was still active in Boy Scouts then, both his sons were in Scouting. He remembers sitting at the Channel 5 location with a semi trailer taking donations. He says the line of cars waiting to drop things off was enormous. He especially remembers a little old lady; he says she probably could hardly walk, driving up bringing goods and then insisting on also writing a check to help out. 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Thousands of brave souls came looking for a new life, but one that they would have to carve out of the wilderness by their own efforts and hard work, having no one else to rely on but themselves and their neighbors. Less than twenty years later Oklahoma Territory joined with Indian Territory, another situation where people had to make a new life in the wilderness by their own work except that it was forced on them and not their choice, to form the State of Oklahoma. We are the sons, daughters, grandsons, and granddaughters of these pioneers. Through oil booms and busts and the associated economic ups and downs, the Dust Bowl, killer tornadoes, and the Murrah Building bombing we have continued to exhibit what Howard Witt, writing for the Chicago Tribune on the occasion of the bombingÂs 10th anniversary, called our "Âessential prairie stoicism--the same ÂOklahoma spiritÂ for which they were lauded in the aftermath of the bombing, when Oklahomans demonstrated extraordinary decency, humility and bootstrap resiliency" based on "deep religious faith and unblushing middle American values." I agree with Dawn. April 19, 1995 was both our worst tragedy and our finest hour. I have never been more proud of my state and its people than I was in those dark days of April. IÂve always said that no matter how much nicer, prettier, easier other places might be to live, I wouldnÂt want to live anywhere else, and my fellow Okies are the reason. You are the best people in the world, and that goes just the same for all you "transplants" and "adoptees." YouÂre here now, and as my Granddad would say, "youÂre ourÂn." Debra
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sunnyca_gw
11 years ago
It's hard getting through it but actually a relief when they pass as you know the pain is gone for them. I think when we take care of our loved ones & watch them go down that we have done a good share of our grieving by the time they pass. My dad told me to "Miss him, not grieve for him" I do miss my parents but am not grief stricken like I was when my dear hubby went to work & fell backward, dead at work. Fire dept was across the street & guy was right on him doing CPR but nothing worked, he was 48. That was very hard, I was in shock. I'm sure you will be comforted by fact you did all you could for him & you may have to tell him that it is time to go on. Touch him & speak to him gently while you still can.
CA Kate z9
Original Author
11 years ago
Thank you all for your kind comments. No one can believe it, but he's still alive... barely, but still breathing. This is almost harder than before.
shambo
11 years ago
My thoughts are with you too during this most difficult time.
CA Kate z9
Original Author
11 years ago
He's still breathing. No one at Hospice can believe it.
sunnyca_gw
11 years ago
Hard on you seeing him like that. Hang in there & try to at least talk to friend or relative on the phone daily, to get a bit of "down time for yourself" It's a struggle but will soon pass & new phase sets in of adjusting to life. Prayers & hugs.
CA Kate z9
Original Author
11 years ago
DH, and my BFF, passed away quietly in his sleep early this morning. Two-edged sword....
sushipup1
11 years ago
Oh, Kate, my condolences. Yes, double-edged, I understand. Take care of yourself and let the best memories of your years together stay in your heart.
sunnyca_gw
11 years ago
Sorry to hear your hubby passed on. Now you need to take care of you! It will probably take 3-6 months to just adjust to change in living. No more checking to see if he's OK or needs something, etc. You may have trouble adjusting to no longer being a caregiver. Do try to meet with friends & "reconnect" with them. Hope you have some single girlfriends. I had to deal with end of a lot of invitations as "we were no longer a couple" so that was hard. BE careful in decisions you make, there are wolves at the door. Have someone with a level head with you when dealing with pension papers, insurance papers etc. Get it in writing on ins. letterhead, pension I had 3 choices, 2 would have greatly reduced amount I got. Hospital sent large bill after I had paid the final one. They claimed they put tubes in him in late Nov., he'd been buried almost 2 mos. They claimed it was legitimate , I said if I hear from you again my lawyer will handle it as nobody makes calls to grave & puts in tubes. Very sad that they do things like this to people but they do so be very careful. Get the deed to plots as they will resell them even tho I bought a double marker for both of us I found my grave dug up. So you must protect yourself. You will go on, it will be different & painful but he would want you to be happy again & it isn't something you "get over" in 6 weeks or 6 months. There is so set time to "recover" I burst out crying when I had to go get gas. Dear hubby always did it. Guys at station just did it for me 1st couple of times but then I asked my dad to show me how. GF lost her hubby & she didn't have a clue how to balance a checkbook or even if they had any money & where it was. He had always been secretive, "man's job" well very hard when you are grieving & don't know how to do anything. Hope it goes smoothly for you. I think you are in California this is a state where everything goes to the wife unless there is a will or trust. I've had friends have kids from a 1st marriage show up & want dad's car, his coin collection etc. They even wanted to sell the house they belong to the remaining spouse in CA. Unless in writing or in will otherwise. of course you can give son or daughter a car or dad's collection but in this state they are yours. Don't like to tell people these things but you do have to be very careful. I was cheated out of part of ins. check ,national company been around for probably 100 yrs. the last 3 numbers were 851 when I got the check it was 158. $693 I needed badly but since I had him write it on sheet of my paper when he came to my house & I had him date it & sign it they claimed since it wasn't on their letterhead I was wrong. I wasn't in any shape to fight it so they won! Be aware that some friends may call or write claiming your hubby owes them money. Don't fall for that. Widows have to be strong! So sad since we have enough on our plate. Try to get a lot of rest & watch some fun movies or take time out to be with grandkids or close friends & family, they are the ones you need now & will help you get through to your new normal. Next few days will seem unreal & you need to be careful to take good care of you, let family & friends bring food & rest when you can. Soon everyone goes back to their lives & then it sets in that you are alone. Try to change your week around & get out of house some to stay in "real world" otherwise we want to withdraw & stay in bed. Allow yourself that 1 day but not make a habit of it as I think it's bad medicine for you. Be careful of casual men friends that seem suddenly very attracted to you(& really want all that money they think you will be getting) if you do get money from ins. be very careful who knows about it. Hope this isn't upsetting you but there are just so many things I wish someone had told me so I would have avoided a lot of heartache. Hugs, Jan
pam_25f
11 years ago
Sorry for this sad and difficult time you are experiencing.
User
11 years ago
So sorry that your husband passed. Do not be surprised that you feel relief rather than sorry at times. You have been morning every day for a while. Give yourself some recovery time. Do things that you have not been able to do for a while, quite walk, cup of coffee, just sitting and looking. Although it does not seem like it inner peace will come.
CA Kate z9
Original Author
11 years ago
Thank you all for your kind words everyone.

sunnyca, I'll try to be watchful. Thanks for the warnings. Our kids have been with me the last two weeks and still insist that someone be with me. At first I thought "what a fuss" but then decided that having someone else around for awhile wasn't such a bad idea. I hadn't thought about being cheated.

Son and I went to a nice dinner last night.... first time out at night in a long time. I have to admit I enjoyed it. We went to a restaurant that DH liked and toasted him. We went home to call our kids and then went to bed since we'd had very little sleep the night before. I slept 12 hours!

maifleur: Relief it is! And sadness. His body was barely alive, but he hadn't been around for awhile.
CA Kate z9
Original Author
11 years ago
Next report: It's been a week now and this week is proving harder than the last. As the memory of DH's last days leave me and are replaced by ones of when he was alive and well, I am finding myself frequently very sad and crying a good deal more. Getting ready for his memorial has me looking at old photos of the bygone good days. And, people are calling or writing with all the good memories they have too. I makes me sad for what might have been; and, glad that others remember him well.
sunnyca_gw
11 years ago
It will be harder for awhile & when everyone leaves it's relief & then "what am I going to do?" It starts setting in but you may not go through that so much as you have been grieving for awhile. I didn't too much with folks as it was a long haul. When hubby went to work & didn't come home, it was much tougher. Weird things happened to me, couldn't spell when,then, where etc. Couldn't look them up in dictionary as wh sound just didn't compute in my brain, I would open dishwasher come back later & see I had started to put dishes away, then go out in garage for something & discover washer running & look inside & no clothes in it. I thought I was losing my mind for a while(of course 2 teenagers to take care of didn't help as they were as messed up as I was) but it all worked out & we are close & I have wonderful grandkids now But there were times I really had to push myself out the door to keep going. I'm sure your hubby wants you to be happy & enjoy life & family so think about those things, like I said earlier family & friends get you through. You may need to put a lot of the photos away for awhile. Oh, I don't know how you would feel about this but I will run it by you. I took pics at my dad's & mom's services, not during but before & after. pics of our family, flowers people gave, grave side & get together after. Some people in pics I didn't even realize were there, I have brothers so I'm sure they talked to them but it was so nice to study pics later & say, oh, Sue was there or Joe came too, I didn't even realize I snapped some of their pics. So I think it is nice to do a few pics of the people who attend. If you have friend or relative that would do that for you it would be nice so when you need to think about it you have an album to refer to. I think you will enjoy the memorial service. We put my folks services out as a celebration of their long full lives well lived! Several people said they hated funerals but actually enjoying hearing about the things my parents had done. (they were very talented people but I find many people have had very interesting lives).

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