Oh, Kate, it must be awful for you. I wish you strength and peace during this time. My deepest sympathies, too.

Prayers and hugs going out to you. I am so sorry.

It's hard getting through it but actually a relief when they pass as you know the pain is gone for them. I think when we take care of our loved ones & watch them go down that we have done a good share of our grieving by the time they pass. My dad told me to "Miss him, not grieve for him" I do miss my parents but am not grief stricken like I was when my dear hubby went to work & fell backward, dead at work. Fire dept was across the street & guy was right on him doing CPR but nothing worked, he was 48. That was very hard, I was in shock. I'm sure you will be comforted by fact you did all you could for him & you may have to tell him that it is time to go on. Touch him & speak to him gently while you still can.

Thank you all for your kind comments. No one can believe it, but he's still alive... barely, but still breathing. This is almost harder than before.

My thoughts are with you too during this most difficult time.

He's still breathing. No one at Hospice can believe it.

Hard on you seeing him like that. Hang in there & try to at least talk to friend or relative on the phone daily, to get a bit of "down time for yourself" It's a struggle but will soon pass & new phase sets in of adjusting to life. Prayers & hugs.

DH, and my BFF, passed away quietly in his sleep early this morning. Two-edged sword....

Oh, Kate, my condolences. Yes, double-edged, I understand. Take care of yourself and let the best memories of your years together stay in your heart.

Sorry to hear your hubby passed on. Now you need to take care of you! It will probably take 3-6 months to just adjust to change in living. No more checking to see if he's OK or needs something, etc. You may have trouble adjusting to no longer being a caregiver. Do try to meet with friends & "reconnect" with them. Hope you have some single girlfriends. I had to deal with end of a lot of invitations as "we were no longer a couple" so that was hard. BE careful in decisions you make, there are wolves at the door. Have someone with a level head with you when dealing with pension papers, insurance papers etc. Get it in writing on ins. letterhead, pension I had 3 choices, 2 would have greatly reduced amount I got. Hospital sent large bill after I had paid the final one. They claimed they put tubes in him in late Nov., he'd been buried almost 2 mos. They claimed it was legitimate , I said if I hear from you again my lawyer will handle it as nobody makes calls to grave & puts in tubes. Very sad that they do things like this to people but they do so be very careful. Get the deed to plots as they will resell them even tho I bought a double marker for both of us I found my grave dug up. So you must protect yourself. You will go on, it will be different & painful but he would want you to be happy again & it isn't something you "get over" in 6 weeks or 6 months. There is so set time to "recover" I burst out crying when I had to go get gas. Dear hubby always did it. Guys at station just did it for me 1st couple of times but then I asked my dad to show me how. GF lost her hubby & she didn't have a clue how to balance a checkbook or even if they had any money & where it was. He had always been secretive, "man's job" well very hard when you are grieving & don't know how to do anything. Hope it goes smoothly for you. I think you are in California this is a state where everything goes to the wife unless there is a will or trust. I've had friends have kids from a 1st marriage show up & want dad's car, his coin collection etc. They even wanted to sell the house they belong to the remaining spouse in CA. Unless in writing or in will otherwise. of course you can give son or daughter a car or dad's collection but in this state they are yours. Don't like to tell people these things but you do have to be very careful. I was cheated out of part of ins. check ,national company been around for probably 100 yrs. the last 3 numbers were 851 when I got the check it was 158. $693 I needed badly but since I had him write it on sheet of my paper when he came to my house & I had him date it & sign it they claimed since it wasn't on their letterhead I was wrong. I wasn't in any shape to fight it so they won! Be aware that some friends may call or write claiming your hubby owes them money. Don't fall for that. Widows have to be strong! So sad since we have enough on our plate. Try to get a lot of rest & watch some fun movies or take time out to be with grandkids or close friends & family, they are the ones you need now & will help you get through to your new normal. Next few days will seem unreal & you need to be careful to take good care of you, let family & friends bring food & rest when you can. Soon everyone goes back to their lives & then it sets in that you are alone. Try to change your week around & get out of house some to stay in "real world" otherwise we want to withdraw & stay in bed. Allow yourself that 1 day but not make a habit of it as I think it's bad medicine for you. Be careful of casual men friends that seem suddenly very attracted to you(& really want all that money they think you will be getting) if you do get money from ins. be very careful who knows about it. Hope this isn't upsetting you but there are just so many things I wish someone had told me so I would have avoided a lot of heartache. Hugs, Jan

Sorry for this sad and difficult time you are experiencing.

So sorry that your husband passed. Do not be surprised that you feel relief rather than sorry at times. You have been morning every day for a while. Give yourself some recovery time. Do things that you have not been able to do for a while, quite walk, cup of coffee, just sitting and looking. Although it does not seem like it inner peace will come.

Thank you all for your kind words everyone.

sunnyca, I'll try to be watchful. Thanks for the warnings. Our kids have been with me the last two weeks and still insist that someone be with me. At first I thought "what a fuss" but then decided that having someone else around for awhile wasn't such a bad idea. I hadn't thought about being cheated.

Son and I went to a nice dinner last night.... first time out at night in a long time. I have to admit I enjoyed it. We went to a restaurant that DH liked and toasted him. We went home to call our kids and then went to bed since we'd had very little sleep the night before. I slept 12 hours!

maifleur: Relief it is! And sadness. His body was barely alive, but he hadn't been around for awhile.

Next report: It's been a week now and this week is proving harder than the last. As the memory of DH's last days leave me and are replaced by ones of when he was alive and well, I am finding myself frequently very sad and crying a good deal more. Getting ready for his memorial has me looking at old photos of the bygone good days. And, people are calling or writing with all the good memories they have too. I makes me sad for what might have been; and, glad that others remember him well.

It will be harder for awhile & when everyone leaves it's relief & then "what am I going to do?" It starts setting in but you may not go through that so much as you have been grieving for awhile. I didn't too much with folks as it was a long haul. When hubby went to work & didn't come home, it was much tougher. Weird things happened to me, couldn't spell when,then, where etc. Couldn't look them up in dictionary as wh sound just didn't compute in my brain, I would open dishwasher come back later & see I had started to put dishes away, then go out in garage for something & discover washer running & look inside & no clothes in it. I thought I was losing my mind for a while(of course 2 teenagers to take care of didn't help as they were as messed up as I was) but it all worked out & we are close & I have wonderful grandkids now But there were times I really had to push myself out the door to keep going. I'm sure your hubby wants you to be happy & enjoy life & family so think about those things, like I said earlier family & friends get you through. You may need to put a lot of the photos away for awhile. Oh, I don't know how you would feel about this but I will run it by you. I took pics at my dad's & mom's services, not during but before & after. pics of our family, flowers people gave, grave side & get together after. Some people in pics I didn't even realize were there, I have brothers so I'm sure they talked to them but it was so nice to study pics later & say, oh, Sue was there or Joe came too, I didn't even realize I snapped some of their pics. So I think it is nice to do a few pics of the people who attend. If you have friend or relative that would do that for you it would be nice so when you need to think about it you have an album to refer to. I think you will enjoy the memorial service. We put my folks services out as a celebration of their long full lives well lived! Several people said they hated funerals but actually enjoying hearing about the things my parents had done. (they were very talented people but I find many people have had very interesting lives).