I cannot recall doing it, but I think I would for a close friend. I would love to be on the receiving end of such advice (as long as it is done nicely).

If you think braces are an easy fix, you've either never had them or never had to pay for them.

If someone had a smudge on his/her face or toilet paper was sticking out from his/her shoe, I certainly would say something. I absolutely would not point out a physical "flaw" to anyone. How rude. How insensitive. I guess if one is perfect, one finds physical flaws in others that they feel should easily be changed.

I just looked at a Gretchen Rubin video and I think she looks wonderful. I would not have noticed she had buck teeth if it had not been pointed out to me. Even then, I barely noticed it.

I would love to have funkyart as a friend.

Not unless asked. I have learned that we all see ourselves differently.

Here are some examples: My SIL hasn't changed her hair since I know her. (30 years) We once had a discussion and she said. "I like my hair." I thought, "You haven't changed her hairstyle in over thirty years! She likes her hair, end of discussion.

Another SIL wears very unusual clothing. It is also too large for her petite frame. I have sent sweaters and tops to her that she has enjoyed wearing and has mentioned that she has gotten compliments. I thought, "That is because they are current and actually fit you!"
She wore a calico print dress to a wedding that made her look like Laura Engels. She thought this was acceptable attire for an evening wedding.

If someone's asks, I will be honest and it is just my personal opinion. If my daughter asks me how something looks I will make suggestions if I don't like the combo. She usually listens. But, when she doesn't, who cares?

I might make one exception. If someone I care about is being avoided because they have bad breath or body odor, I would want to know if it was a medical reason and i might talk to them about it.

No I would not tell someone, even a good friend that they need braces. most people who could benefit from braces already know how they look.

Same with people with flabby necks, wrinkles on the face, fat bottoms.

ML

No, I would never tell someone that.

Never.

I recall a time in my life when I felt the absolute best about myself I'd ever felt. DH, who is normally kind and thoughtful, mentioned something about my appearance I should change to "help" since he knew I was taking a lot of pride in my appearance, and thought I should just fix this one little thing.. It took all the wind out of my sails, and here, probably 20-odd years later, it still stings.

No.

Liking/loving/respecting each other despite our flaws is better.

Absolutely not. As others have said, someone's appearance is not fodder for 'helpful' suggestions. It has such an enormous risk of causing hurt feelings, anger and such a tiny likelihood that the recipient will appreciate being told s/he has something about their appearance or style that needs fixing--in your opinion of course, since this cannot possibly be remotely a factual conversation.

Because really, what you think looks horrid, I think looks dandy/I don't even notice/I've come to accept/I don't have the resources to change. Why take the chance for such a low probability of positive outcome?

For example, it seems to me that of the many issues that come between mothers and daughters, that kind of remark is one of the most commonly listed by women as hurtful and damaging from their mothers. Really, from anyone!

Never in a million years; I think it could be very hurtful. Besides, I enjoy idiosyncrasies in peoples' appearances. I'd hate for us to look like we all stepped out of a Kraft macaroni and cheese commercial with perfectly even, bleached teeth, smoothly coiffed hair, and perky, just-so clothing. Ho-hum.

There already is too much anxiety for many women who don't measure up to the physical ideal. Need we pile on more? Your friend might think, "If even my close friends are bothered by my yellow teeth, how do I appear to everyone else?" How sad to make someone self-conscious over nothing.

Personally, I think overly white teeth look unnatural.

I would never do it unless they brought it up first and then I would proceed honestly but delicately.

My mother has recently been hinting about my physical/appearance flaws. I think she needs to check in a mirror. :)

Never ever ever ever never. How unkind. And the woman pointed out in the first posting doesn't have buck teeth - she has an overbite. A fairly prominent overbite, but still its just an overbite. I would not have noticed it if I hadn't actually been expecting and looking for it.

How many thousands of dollars do braces cost these days? And how long would one be forced to be wired-up, not eat what you want, have to remove and clean and replace the thing, etc etc etc, while you're teeth are being "corrected"?

Personally, at my age, I have other things to do with that much money in the way of dental care. I can always get straight, white, "perfect" teeth when I get my first set of dentures - and the money spent on braces would go a long way towards covering the dentures! Hopefully not soon. But soon enough that spending money on braces is pretty much a waste of money.

When I was a teen, my mother adamantly refused to allow me to wear makeup. Then, as an adult, she turns up in my house one day and chides me for not wearing makeup, because "I swear it makes you look like you're 30!"

I pointed out to her that I was, in fact, by that time, actually 30 years old. And by that time I was getting far more enjoyment out of NOT having to spend the Big Bucks and time and effort and never being able to scratch an itch, thanks to going face-commando, not to mention totally missing out on the whole insecurity thing you get set up for when you are constantly "correcting flaws" with makeup.

I don't wear dresses, so I guess I would never show up for an "evening wedding" in a "calico dress", but I would show up in salwar kameez and sandals with no qualms whatsoever. I also don't worry about whether or not my toes are ugly when I wear sandals - which is daily. No one in my presence needs to worry about such things, either.

At least not from me.

BTW - I haven't changed my "hair style" in at least 25 years, edging on towards 30. I like my style, which is no style. I never cut it, shape it, or mess with it in any way. No hair spray or primping. Let the part fall where it may! It is strictly wash 'n wear. *I* like my look. No one else need notice or comment.

This post was edited by zensojourner on Wed, Dec 17, 14 at 18:41

For sure, yes. I have in the past, and I would do so again.

But it really really depends on the subject matter, and my friend.

Like in the past, a friend that has an "ashamed" smile- I would ask why not full smile, they have a wonderful smile. And whatever the response, suggest a "fix". Or a friend with skin problems, have the conversation turn that way and make suggestions. Or weight/diet problems... and so on. I've also told friends not to gain/lose weight, their muscles are great or not, their teeth are already good, why waste money for Hollywood image?

I've also not noticed when friends gain/lose many pounds, change their hair, get dental work done, and so on. I've told friends to tuck their boobs in, adjust crotch problems, not wear whatever it is that makes them look bad. And praised them when they have great hair, look good in outfit X, have hit it dead on for the color they chose.

It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. I've had these conversations with male, female, tranny, and other sexuality orientated/transition friends. Nothing to do with "women already worry too much about image" or "men already think they need to man up" kind of crap.

Your friends are the people that don't give a flying... herm.. about your looks, but should always be trusted to give the honest opinion about it. Not what society thinks, not what your own self image, good or bad is.. but honest.

I've had friends tell me their honest opinions on how to fix stuff I'm having problems with too. It's what friends are for.

Heck no. I would not presume that I know what is best for someone else in that regard. Reminds me of Lauren Hutton's tooth gap "flaw". Let people be.

then what ???? ..... write cindy crawford about that big ugly mole on her face... and tell how a plastic surgeon can get rid of it for her ...???

crikey ...

ken

ps: i agree on the TP on the shoe... or sticking out of the hem of the dress ... or sneezing while applying lipstick.. and not noticing your big red clown ear ...

I have horrible feet, and I know it, it never seems like the right time to get painful surgery on them, I just live with my sad looking feet.

I used to have a friend who would comment on them all the time, "oh my god look at your bunions, sorry dear but you have to do something about it" I resented her for that greatly. Notice I said " used to" have a friend , I got tired of her "too honest" opinions, and distanced myself from her.
She was very controlling and her comments were part of that behaviour , dispensing her blunt advice on physical appearance... even when not asked.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive but I know what is wrong with my physical appearance and I don't need anyone to point out my flaws.

Duplicate post

This post was edited by joaniepoanie on Wed, Dec 17, 14 at 20:21

Oh my! Learned a lesson never to post a touchy subject when rushed, with no time to put into context. Don't go hatin' on me, please!
"On reflection, I'm sure I've given out subtle hints , but rarely an out right "you need this ." ....As was the case with my friends teeth . I love my friends, and sincerely want the best for them. I mentioned seeing Doris Day at 80, and how her face dropped twenty years when she smiled , all because of her big, white smile. From there the conversation led to bleaching. My friend is older and knew little about it. She is thrilled with the results .... as I thought she'd be.
Yes, teeth can be unattractively too white, but this usually comes from procedures in the office, not Crest white strips, or bleaching trays.
And, if I had a friend with very poorly aligned teeth, and I thought she was not knowledgeable of newer straightening fixes like Invisalign, and I knew it was within her means, then, yes, I might find a very subtle way to swing a conversation around to it.
Whether you approve or not, please know it came from a genuine, caring desire to give to one I care about.

It's a good question you posted Martinca, I knew your intentions were genuine, no worries about that.

The exchanges of opinions are interesting in threads like this.

If a friend brought it up, I would GENTLY explore options with them. I would never assume I see something they don't. Most of us are hyper critical of ourselves. To tell a friend the world also sees their "flaws" would be very very ugly for the "friend". Don't we all want to hope/pretend no one notices our bad hair day!? The question I have is if you see it, they do..so why haven't they changed it? Could be money, could be they already tried and were told "can't"... As I get older and find more and more hair in places it never was before I realize that gal with the spider hairs coming out of her cheek mole, did know, she chose to leave it be!! As far as teeth. How completely PC, latest fad of the century snobbish of you. It is ok to be REAL people!!!

What gives me the right to assume I know what's best for my friend? Do I have some right to push my standards on others? Not a chance.

Um, maybe Gretchen Rubin HAS had braces. I had very "buck teeth" as a kid and I had headgear, braces, the whole deal, and I am still left with an overbite. I also have a couple of crooked teeth because I was a foolish teenager who didn't wear her retainer. I certainly don't need anyone to tell me about it -- I see it in the mirror every day.

I can't recall a friend ever pointing out a "flaw" to me, and it's not because I don't have any! But I probably remember every single random compliment any friend has ever given me in the last 10 years. Especially the wacky, random ones -- one friend has complimented me several times on my clavicle, and another said I had "good eyebrows." I am an average looking person, not the type who gets compliments everywhere I go, so I appreciate the ones I do get! If a friend pointed out some flaw, I am sure I'd remember that...even more than the compliments. And that would suck.

Unless someone asks me point blank, I would never address anyone's so-called flaws, no matter how great our friendship is. I do have a friend who could use some good advice on makeup, but unless she asks me, I'm keeping my opinion to myself.

For the most part, women are well-aware of their physical flaws, to the extent that they invent "flaws" that don't even exist. The last thing we need is to have "helpful" people point these things out to us when such help is not directly requested.

I cringe when I think of how many people must have noticed those stray hairs under my chin until my sister told me about them. I am so glad she did.

There is a young woman who I know peripherally, and I would love to start a conversation in front of her about getting braces as an adult. But that's not going to happen.

"Don't go hatin' on me, please! "

No worries, martinca! We know you would handle these situations with tact and consideration. It's other people who might be encouraged to offer unsolicited advice who we're crabbing out.

"I can't recall a friend ever pointing out a "flaw" to me, and it's not because I don't have any! But I probably remember every single random compliment any friend has ever given me in the last 10 years."

Yes!

Why not choose to say something that will make a friend, or relative, feel *good* instantly, rather than say something negative.

Because if there is an overriding law of the universe I'd like to enact it would be: always be kind. And telling people what's wrong with them isn't kind. Sorry, you can attempt to justify it all you want but it just is not kind.

Ann

Ann: "...Why not choose to say something that will make a friend, or relative, feel *good* instantly, rather than say something negative."
Oh wow! I'm the queen of compliments, seaching for the smallest reason to praise: shiney hair, gorgeous skin, eyes, elegant posture,etc. I LIKE making others feel good. Kind of my M.O., since jr.hgh at least.

"Because if there is an overriding law of the universe I'd like to enact it would be: always be kind."

Oh ann, then this world would be heaven on earth. Your wish is, of course, universal.
Some might not care a whit about their appearance, and that is a lovely thing. Most of us do care; we feel better, be it right or wrong, when liking what we see, "hear", and "smell" in the mirror. :)
As for " justify"- ing, I suppose I couldn't , as you don't know me. For the same reason, I hope few will judge me. You had to be there, and know the situation and the source...me! :-).
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah to all!

P.S. Aw, Mitch and awn03.... You warmed my heart....Thank you so much !

Assumptions. I had braces at 40yrs old. Due to major jaw surgery on both sides and bottom top. At the time insurance paid for this or it would never have happened. Through the years my bone in jaws has deteriorated and with all the wires still there, nothing can be done about lost teeth. I even had bone grafts to try and save them which cost me in the 1000s.. I am not able to have implants because of the bone loss and hopefully these will be all that are lost as existing teeth are not strong enough for anything added. Thankfully they are molars which can't be seen readily unless I grin big. And thankfully no one has ever mentioned their loss as I am a bit sensitive about this knowing how much I put into a "perfect" smile. The explanation is lost on most people.

Reasoning for mentioning all, is there are so many reasons for not being able to go the path of perfect. Some people are not even able to have whitening due to their enamel's condition. The cost may not be at reach for them in other areas of dental repair..

And I think a lot of out of whack tooth details are symbols of one's overall personality.