Lack of Social Graces
11 years ago
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- 11 years ago
- 11 years ago
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loss of social grace
Comments (7)Mary, your MIL's story sounds all too familiar. My mom started the spitting about two years ago. She complained that food particles got stuck in her teeth. For years & years she used toothpicks to take care of the problem. But once dementia started setting in, she got into the spitting habit. She picks out food from between her teeth & gums and then spits into her napkin or her plate. She's been living in an assisted living facility for over a year now, and her spitting routine follows every meal and takes close to 10 minutes -- all done at the table in the dining room. I think the AL director is correct. The dementia gets to the point where the elderly person no longer has social graces. I don't think it can be stopped. Unfortunately, it's part of the disease progression. I think it's best for you to just ignore it, if you can. Trying to correct your MIL will just frustrate & confuse her. As a word of warning, it may get worse. I won't describe what my mom now does when her nose drips or her disgusting toileting behaviors. I don't want to make you sick! Many ALs now have memory care wings and your MIL may eventually have to be transferred to one. Most ALs & memory care facilities are used to dealing with the strange behaviors of persons with dementia. Regarding the night time accidents, it may be time for overnight Depends. You can purchase them online for a better price, and you might even find a better quality product. You also might want to consider putting a commode near her bed. That might help with the dribbles. I realize that the commode would have to be emptied & cleaned daily, but it still might be easier than cleaning the carpet. As far as laundering goes, you could purchase a quilted waterproof mattress and a vinyl mattress protector. In addition there are disposable and reusable/washable underpads that can also be used. My mom uses all three items along with the Depends. It has helped keep the laundering down. Here are some web sites to give you an idea of what's available: http://www.nwmedicalsolutions.com/cat_underpads.cfm http://www.theincontinencestore.com/site/999468/page/45029 Here is a link that might be useful: Waterproof Matress Covers...See MoreBuild outside social network to balance lack at home?
Comments (15)First of all, thanks for your comments, I appreciate the outside viewpoint! Carla35- She brings home a stack of work every evening and weekend, and even if she doesn't do it, it serves to block any spontaneous activity or plan that I might propose. But if a friend, relative, or co-worker calls she will spend hours on the phone with them, and if they are in a crisis (real or imagined) she will spend tons of time with them, explaning they "need her support". Yes, I'm groused about it, and yes, we've talked about it, and it always ends with "after this crisis is over, we will have lots of time together". And maybe there will be a couple of quiet weeks between crisis, but usually not, because the work and friend/relative/coworker crisis are usually overlapping. Her friends are mostly of low moral character, or just hangers-on who use her time and money, and most of her relatives have "behavioral problems", so I don't want to spend time with them. And frankly, I've grown tired of trying to fit our married life into the tiny free spaces in her schedule. I get tired of following her around like a lost puppy in order to actually hold a conversation. popi and scarlett2001- You could be right that DW is bored with me, I'm not Mr. Excitement, but I am Mr. Dependable. I do about 90% of the housework, take care of the pets, take care of most of the financial matters, make sure her stuff is in her briefcase as she screams out the door in the morning, and support her 100% in these endless crisis she's involved in. And I have a full time high-level job of my own to go to everyday. It's kind of funny and kind of sad, it seems like I'm simply experiencing what most career women with inattentive husbands go through. ;-) We married late in life, so I knew we'd have our own friends and interests, but (I thought) we would both be giving up some "personal space" for "common ground" and companionability. I must have thought wrong! I've gained a huge load of work and grief for a small dose of companionship. And I think I'm just running out of energy to cope with the endless "crisis mode" we seem to be in. As the years pile up, it gets harder to believe that she can't manage her schedule well enough to live a semi-normal home life with her husband. So- rivkadr- thanks for the suggestion on meetup.com, looks interesting! I think I'm just gonna have to start taking care of my social needs on my own, and not worry about the grief that DW gives me for it. As I mentioned, there are some reasons for not making a major status change at this time, but at least I can have some fun while I see how things shake out. Thanks again!...See MoreToday's Trivia Quiz
Comments (13)I do have a strange sense of humor (and probably really lack social grace as well)......today's question looks a little familiar to me. My first post was hasty, as it was the first thing that came to mind. Rob's response was better than mine though!!!...See Morehigh school graduation opinions please
Comments (22)geez, you get an apology, even saying your son "deserved better" than he himself had done, which is certainly placing all the blame for the incident squarely to the his own shoulders--exactly what an apology should do. But somehow that's wrong too? (you wrote: "It really seemed to be insulting towards himself." -- what did you want him to do, make excuses?) I have to say that I think it's churlish in the EXTREME to criticise someone for their APOLOGY. He even went to lengths to make sure the letter would be the sort of thing your son could keep in his files and show to someone as a letter of recommendation, etc. I'd call that a pretty graciously written letter. And yet you can still criticize it? He wrote the letter without prompting from you, right? You bet your bippy you should give him credit for doing that. Some people wouldn't bother with the letter. He made a MISTAKE. I for one do not believe that he'd deliberately leave your kid off for mention because of something that happened between you and the principal *9* years ago. Or even 2 years ago. Teachers and principals are capable of separating parents from children, and they see the children so much more clearly than they see us. Plus in the intervening 9 years, I'm sure he's had more parents than you say worse things to him--why would he remember with any strength? It's obvious you're determined to hate this guy, since even the appropriate gestures he makes are met with such scorn. I wasn't there 9 years ago (which is a long time to hold a grudge on EITHER side), and I don't know all the other incidents--maybe he is a crumb, or maybe he's just sort of easily confused. But I'm sorta feeling sorry for this guy--even when he DOES do it right, he's in the doghouse. I'm w/ Arkansasgardenboy: I hope you will find closure to this and not hold a grudge any longer. I suppose my comments won't do anything to further that, and I'm sorry if I've chosen wording that's harsher than I intend....See More- 11 years ago
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