I totally agree with you. For myself, I still send handwritten notes and even long letters to select close friends in all parts of the USA. I love beautiful stationary and artistic cards and have quite a "hoard." I even send postcards! I also adore fountain pens and old-fashioned ink. I am a self-taught calligrapher. Beautiful handwriting runs in my family: I have quite a collection of old letters from my grandfather, with elegant, Spencerian handwriting.

Of course, I avail myself of e-mail, but it seems lacking in je ne sais quoi....

Oh............. I have always, always wanted to study the art of Spencerian script.
There was a gentleman in Ohio (? perhaps) who was the authority about 20 years ago and at that time I had communicated with him about classes he was offering.

Where would I learn this ......any ideas?

And the 'je ne sais quoi' that you are referring to is what I think of as soul. E-mail has so little personal touch and soul in it.

However....it is quick, easy and allows many to communicate who otherwise might not.

Yvonne

I love using my fountain pens. I used to collect and use them as an antidote to my career in technology. I don't think handwritten letters are done anymore. In fact, I've had three great-nieces/nephew born in the last year, and never received even one birth announcement. If I didn't go on Facebook, I would have no idea what they looked like, and I am close to the mothers. The 'birth announcement' came by text message. One did follow up with another text message with a photograph.

I just don't think sympathy can be expressed totally through email, a personal card or note is needed.

That said, I do communicate more with friends and family because of the ease of email. BTW, I don't live near family, otherwise it would be more personal visits!

Sadly, I am afraid it is. When those of us of a certain age have passed, it will be unknown. I am sorry about that.

I still send and receive letters. My mother refuses to have a computer or communicate electronically in any fashion, and I love getting letters from her. Now that I am older, and especially as she is older, I treasure each one.

I do enjoy getting and receiving paper based letters, but I am also happy to send and receive emails. I'm guess I'm a transitional person in this regard.

What annoys me is the unacknowledged gift. It puts me in the position of know knowing whether or not it was received, and having to investigate in case it went astray.

Rosefolly

I do enjoy sending and receiving paper based letters, but I am also quite happy to send and receive emails. I seem to be a transitional person in this regard.

What annoys me is the unacknowledged gift. It puts me in the position of not knowing whether or not the gift I sent was received, and having the burden of investigating in case it went astray. Not sending some form of thanks is rude even in an electronically communicating society.

Rosefolly

Rosefolly, I agree about the unacknowledged gift. I don't expect a letter of thanks these days from some of my family but a phone call or text or email would be acceptable.
I think these people are fools to themselves as I have got to the stage where I give, or more likely send, simple token items, money or vouchers, where they would have had a more expensive and carefully selected present. I have little knowledge of their requirements as I rarely see them. Such a pity.

I have a friend who always insisted that before her children were allowed to play with a new toy or enjoy their gift they had to sit down and write a proper thank you to the giver.

It always amazes me that the etiquette books allow new brides up to a year to send out thank yous for wedding gifts.
That is ridiculous.
Meanwhile you sit wondering whether they actually received the gift.

My position is: If you have time to open the gift and enjoy it, you have to time to take a moment from your busy life to jot off a quick thank you and throw it in the mail .

Emily Post where are you when we need you !!:

Yoyobon, an excellent question!

The trend is certainly toward electronic communication, but the thank you note is definitely not dead -- thank goodness! I've been very impressed with the kids we know who have always written thank yous after receiving birthday, graduation, bar/bat mitzvah, etc., gifts. On the whole they have better manners than many adults I know *vbg*. My kids (both teenagers) do still need to be reminded, but they do write thank yous.

As for email, it's made long-distance correspondence so easy and I'm grateful to be able to quickly connect with friends who live at a distance. That said, I have one dear friend who really embraces written letters, and we've been writing back and forth since she moved to Maryland last year. It's such a huge pleasure to get a card or letter from her in the mail. She has also taken thank you note writing and made it an art form. She writes with a fountain pen, I type because my handwriting is so bad.

We haven't had many weddings of late, but the last one we were invited to was in California, and we couldn't make it there from Connecticut. The groom was the step-son of a close relative and we'd known him since he was a child. We sent a pretty generous gift. I was a bit flummoxed to (much) later receive a printed postcard with the couple's bridal photo on it and a pre-printed "Thank you for sharing our special day with us! Love X and Y" as a thank-you. Nothing indicating the gift, nothing personalized, and certainly nothing indicating they even noticed that we weren't actually there. I hate to be a curmudgeon, but I thought that was tacky. I suppose I should be grateful they sent anything at all, right?

LOL....
Sheriz, your absence was greatly missed !!

I recall learning to compose hand written replies to these wedding
invitations and using specific phrases which mirrored the formality of the invite.

Perhaps one of the most irrelevant gifts I could imagine giving most teens today would be a beautiful set of stationary and a lovely fountain pen !
But......wouldn't it be 'loverly' :o)

Woodnymph,

I just ordered a copy of Michael Sull's LEARNING SPECERIAN SCRIPT on Amazon.
He was the one I wrote to about 20 years ago...the expert in that script.

I shall reintroduce the fine art of penmanship into my own little world.
One flourish at a time !

Thanks for reminding me of that passion.....

Yvonne, good for you!

I get a catalogue from Florida that sells old fashioned fountain pens and India inks.

The other issue I miss about frequent letter writing is the use of interesting stamps. ( I was an inveterate stamp collector).

Sheriz, I think I can equal your story!
We were invited to a very 'swanky' wedding and made an effort to find a suitably upmarket gift to match the occasion. When we took our places at the table, I was astounded to find on EACH place setting an impersonal printed card from the bride and groom thanking us for our gift!

Re: Wedding horror stories.......

We attended my nephew's wedding in NYC , in the ballroom of one of the uber famous hotels. It was said to cost them 3/4 of a million.
As the closest of kin, when we arrived at the ballroom to be seated we discovered that there were no more chairs in the family section and we were forced to be seated on the bride's side in SEPARATE seats scattered throughout the section.
For the reception we were seated at a table situated at the door of the kitchen, with several of the bride's on-the-outs relatives !

The only good part was that we saw Jennifer Lopez , who was staying there !

As far as the wedding....money cannot buy class.

I was sad to hear six months ago that students here in North Carolina would no longer be required to learn cursive writing. But, this week our State Senate just gave approval to a House bill that will ensure that NC students will learn cursive again and also will have to learn the multiplication tables. The legislature wants to "get back to basics". Finally some common sense.

Yoyobon, that was terrible! Some of these OTT occasions are so awful one has to laugh! Quietly of course, because we have to show our good manners even if other people are lacking!
I had a party given for me the day before my last birthday and some of the young relatives who usually neither give me even a card nor send thanks for my gifts came.
This time I was given presents which I said that I would open on the next day, intending to phone and thank them for their choice.
I hoped that perhaps an example might point the way!

I rarely write hand written letters these days apart from Christmas cards, which I still like to send.
It seems the sending of thank you notes has never been as common in Australia as in the US.
With regards to wedding gifts, the trend here is for the couple to tell you they have all the things they need for their house as they have been living together for years, but they would really like you to contribute to their honeymoon fund, or otherwise give money.
I really resent this, as I feel uncertain as to what is a suitable amount. I gave what I thought was a decent amount to DH's nephew, and there was no acknowledgement at all, not even a 'one size fits all' card, as the reception was finger food and we didn't have places to sit. I also feel a wedding present is meant to be something to keep (I still use many of my gifts 33 years later, and think of the person who gave it) not money which will not be remembered.
I'm old too :)

Kath, being old, I can do what I feel like doing!
My grandson had a Wishing Well at his reception venue, where guests drop in envelopes with cash but I gave the couple a traditional crystal vase!
I gift wrapped it beautifully and was horrified to have them hand me back a shabby well-used shopping bag when they called to thank me personally. They thought it was mine as someone had put the gift in it to take to their house after the reception!

Remember the 'good old days' when brides-to-be were feted with an intimate shower given in someone's home? The gifts were usually basics needed to set up a home: dish towels, mixing bowls, cookbooks, baking sets etc.

The trend today is offensive and overblown showers given in big country clubs or ballrooms where 100+ women attend.
The BTB is at a head table with a microphone and as she opens the gift ( which are as expensive as wedding gifts ) she announces the giver's name , oohs and ahs and thanks the person....all in less than one minute.
It's a mass event similar to the wedding reception.

Does anyone remember the tradition of displaying your wedding gifts on the dining room table in your home so that all who visit can see them?
Frequently wedding gifts were delivered to your home by the local shops and each day was a wonderful surprise as beautifully wrapped packages would arrive.

Donate to your honeymoon fund???
I don't think so.
Do an overnight at your local B&B !

Oh......regarding OTT showers........my SIL was very intimidated by the wealth of the BTB's parents ( and justifiably so since they were ostentatious bazillionaires).
When she attended a shower in their home she took great care to buy a gift that the BTB really wanted and one that would also be appropriately pricey.
Going to the local Williams Sonoma store in their town, she purchased a complete set of the cookware they had selected for their "wish list". She asked that these be wrapped and delivered to the parent's home in time for the shower.
As the BTB sat there surrounded by $$$ the gifts $$$ , she saved her future MIL's as the last to open. As she began unwrapping the presents she discovered...one after the other....that each box was empty!!!
The store had forgotten to put the cookware into the boxes when they sent the boxes to the gift wrap/shipping dept. !!
To say that my SIL was mortified would be the grossest of understatements.
Due to her insecurities she wasn't even comfortable seeing the humor in it.

Yoyobon, after reading about this, I am glad that I wanted to unwrap a wedding gift that I bought from an upmarket store in the UK to have a final look at the lovely mirrored mosaic vase because the inside was covered in dust! I would have been mortified too...
I sent a very sharp letter to Customer Services!

Actually, the old-fashioned bridal and baby showers given in the intimate setting of a friend's home still do take place. I've been to several within the last decade. These are not ostentatious, just friends and family with useful gifts ---- nothing too fancy, just practical gift items.

I think overdoing the "money" angle is tacky. Another trend I don't like nowadays is being sent announcements of graduation from high school from people you barely know and never see. I always feel like this is a hint to send money to the new graduate.

Annpan and yoyobon, I guess I'm glad I'm not the only one experiencing these things! The whole wedding / shower thing has gotten completely out of hand -- not in all cases, though. I do agree with woodnymph, there are still people who do these things in a traditional and elegant manner.

I place some of the blame on those "bridezilla" TV shows that seem to be everywhere now. Occasionally my DD and I watch "Say Yes to the Dress", both to admire (some) of the gowns, but mostly to roll our eyes and comment on the insane amounts of money these people are spending on a dress that will be worn once. When the cost of the bridal gown would make a nice down payment on a house, there's something seriously wrong.

I just received a handwritten thank you note from my great-nephew for the high school graduation gift we gave him. It's obvious he missed English class the day they covered this because he had written one line at the very top at the fold of the card "Thank you for the gift. Love, x" I treasure it anyway--at least he tried.

I also recently attended a baby shower held in a public facility. The family had provided quite an array of homemade food, and there were lots of gifts (all in gift bags) that each contained an astounding number of little outfits and other items, including a warmer for baby wipes which I didn't know existed. I thought I had chosen a nice gift, but it paled in comparison as far as quantity is concerned. She did send a sweet thank you note in an envelope that I addressed to myself at the shower, as requested.

I agree that writing a 'proper' thank you letter is becoming a thing of the past and the telephone/email seems to have taken over from pen and ink; but at least it is better to receive an acknowledgement of a gift/favour than nothing at all.
Our DD was married a couple of years ago and the formal printed invitations went out in good time, sent (as is the tradition over here) by us, her parents mostly to 'guests' we had never met. I was foolishly expecting replies within a week or two and a few did filter back within that time. Some were written in what might be considered the 'old fashioned' manner eg " Mr and Mrs J Bloggs thank Mr and Mrs R for their kind invitation to . . . and would be most happy to accept." From younger people they tended to be "Thank you for the invitation . . .". As the weeks went on I complained to the DD that we were still waiting for several replies and she did promise to chase them up.These last minute ones went as low as "Hi there, see you on the . .. " By the week before the big day I told DD I wouldn't allow any guests into the reception if I hadn't heard from them! Of course this was an empty threat as I didn't actually know them and could not have stopped them from turning up at the church. As it was a few couples got through the net with DD saying "But he is a doctor and is very busy" and me sounding like a Jewish Mother "So does this mean a doctor is too important to be polite?"
Strangely a couple of American/Canadian relatives/friends on hearing of the forthcoming event got in touch to say they would be coming over, although they hadn't been invited! Then one of them (still uninvited) emailed to say they had received a 'better offer' to a wedding in Hawaii with all expenses paid so wouldn't be coming to England. Can you beat that?

Vee, did you tell them that they hadn't been invited anyway?
I bet you didn't! Too polite?
Carolyn, I know what you mean because I have males in the family who have problems with writing letters. When MiL was in hospital, my husband, then overseas, sent her a short typed letter as she had complained about his handwriting. When she commented to my SiL about the brevity, got a terse response that some people in the hospital would be glad to get that much!

It would appear that ignorance is rampant.

I would like to blame parents for not training their children in the art of social behaviors.
However, can you teach what you don't know or practice?

And so goes the world....

Like the bumper sticker :

Why am I in this handbasket and where am I going so quickly? !

I blame most of it on the technological world we now live in.

Annpan, you are right; I never made any comment to the 'self-invitees' . . just too English!
Wedding and bridal showers have never really taken off over here, although the papers claimed that Kate (wife of Prince William) was planning a 'do' for the soon-to-be-born baby but most 'Royal commentators' make everything up so we will never know.
Nor do we give gifts to young people leaving school/university.
As for Bridal events. I don't know if the UK TV show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding ever hit your shores. My goodness these girls spend thousands of pounds on dresses, bridesmaid stuff, hair and makeup. Each girl tries to outdo her friends with dresses 5-6 feet wide . . . even covered in flashing fairy lights.
These girls are very young and are expected to be virgins(!) and to be totally faithful to their low-life husbands to the extent of seldom leaving their caravans and certainly never leading an independent life. The TV scenes of 'partying' following the wedding service are eye-opening, especially as the men never allow their faces to be seen (the police are usually 'interested' in them) . . . but it is probably the one day in their often unsettled lives that these girls are the centre of attention so really I shouldn't put down this life-style.

My sense is that good, legible handwriting is no longer considered an important skill to possess. I occasionally work with younger people, and am surprised at how many of them write like little children, despite actually being quite literate and smart.

Handwriting is a bit of a painful memory for me personally. I had (and still have) terrible handwriting. I remember in public school being kept inside during recess in order to recopy all my work. (I recently found out my fearsome grade one teacher is still living. Good lord. She must be at least 90!) Instead of cursive script, I adopted a very fast printing which is perfectly legible, and not without a certain amount of style.

My grandmother was left-handed. As a child she was not allowed to write with this hand, but instead was forced to write with her right hand. She was a lovely, very feminine lady, but her adult handwriting was barely legible scrawl. What a shame.

I pride myself on sending cards (birthday, anniversary, sympathy) in a timely manner, but I gather this is now considered old-fashioned and not very manly. My own sister has not sent a sympathy card in years.

Speaking of old fashioned, I was recently appalled to hear that my niece received a verbal invitation to a wedding. She didn't attend because the very casual nature of the invitation made her feel like her presence was at best, an afterthought. It made me remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Elaine receives an "unvite" (an wedding invitation clearly meant to discourage her actual attendance).

Tim, keep sending those cards! The number of Christmas cards I get has diminished as so many of the senders have gone or I get musical emails, which cannot be displayed!
Vee, I should have bet money that you wouldn't 'say anything'! I have been much hampered in life by my upbringing!
What has saddened me is that I never knew when my late husband's brother and then his wife had died, a few months after him. No one contacted me so that I and my family never attended the funerals. Apparently there were notices in the local newspaper but we missed seeing these. I only found out when a letter I wrote to my SiL was 'returned to sender'. It was a dreadful shock.

Tim, I can relate to your post. My own mother was left-handed. Her father was a school teacher, who thought everyone should be right-handed. So she was forced to try to change her writing style when she was very young. I am a strange composite, in that I can write in a very forward slant like my father, but can also write in the opposite slant like my mother.

I still send at least 50 or 60 Xmas cards each year, and probably get sent about 40. I have moved around a lot and have many old friends from previous places, some in Germany and France, others from all parts of the US.

I actually enjoy hand writing my cards and letters to friends. Guess I am a Luddite.

if your children write less their hand writing must be very poor sure i do hand writing practice on wooden flat piece with old fashion ink and pen .

Here is a link that might be useful: Best Children Books Kids Books Books for Children

Welcome new member zeemee.
It isn't handwriting we are complaining about. We would just like more communication from family and friends in any form.
Especially after we send gifts!

I contributed to the honeymoon fund for the daughter of a very dear friend. I knew that the couple could not afford a honeymoon without this help, and I liked knowing that I contributed toward giving them a happy memory. I did get a thank you! She is a sweet girl.

True confession - I must admit that when I receive a gift, and it is not a formal event, and I thank the giver in person, I often do not follow up with a written note. I see this as a flaw in my character, but given that I have so many flaws that I have decided not to devote a lot of time on correcting this particular one.

Rosefolly

Rose, I can't see anything wrong in what you do. If I get a gift for my birthday at a party and open it, I think a word of appreciation is sufficient. If I don't open it for some reason, then I would phone and thank the person and make a favourable comment on the gift.

I agree with annpan, if you open a present when given it and thank the giver there is no need to write a formal letter . . unless maybe it was as Rosefolly/Paula mentions when you are giving an unusual gift such as money towards a foreign holiday. Then it would be nice to receive a postcard/letter from the destination or perhaps something similar describing the 'adventures' when they got home.

I agree also. If you open a gift and thank the giver in person, then usually a further thank you shouldn't be neccessary. However, sometimes if the gift is simply beyond wonderful, an additional note ..."I just wanted to thank you again for the amazing gift. ......etc."

One of the most thoughtful thank yous I have received was from two young neighborhood boys. They were going door to door selling chocolates so their troop could take a trip to NYCity. I told them that I really didn't need the chocolate ( or the calories !) but that I'd like to contribute to their trip , and I gave them a generous donation. Many months later I received a handmade card in the mail. Not only did they thank me for my donation, but they also included a description of the highlights of their NYC trip and included photos .

The next time I saw their Mom I made sure to stop and congratulate her on raising such thoughtful sons. I know that she probably coached them on the card, but ultimately they sent it and were there when I gave kudos to their Mom and to them. I could see they were very proud of each other ......and I believe that's where the life lesson is learned.

I reread this thread as I have a very difficult note to write. A woman who is a friendly acquaintance, but not a close friend, has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I would like to send her a note to let her know that I am thinking about her, and that I will remain hopeful for her recovery. But I am struggling how to get to say this in a way which is positive but not presumptuous.

Tim, just write what you have said to us. A simple handwritten note would be much nicer than a card in those circumstances.

Tim, yes, write a note and if she and you both realise the illness is terminal perhaps, rather than say you hope she does recover (obviously much as you would wish for it privately) add some little reminder about some happy event you shared in your joint pasts "Do you remember when we met at that little bar by the lake and . . ." or "I'm always glad you recommended to me ...name of book/piece of music . .. "
As I am English I would aim away from sentimentality (we find it mawkish) but you know her best. Just write and something will come out at the end of the pen-nib. I think the initial effort of putting pen to paper is the most difficult.

This is such a non denominational blessing......one I have written many times in these situations:

May the light of God surround you,
May the love of God enfold you,
May the power of God protect you
May the presence of God watch over you.
Wherever you are, God is
And all is well.

I agree with Vee. I would not bring "God" into it at all, unless you are absolutely certain of her belief system. Just pick an especially beautiful card and tell the friend you are thinking of her and ask if there is anything you can do to help her.

Thanks everybody for the input, which I appreciated.

Way back in 1997-98, a close friend of mine was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Sadly, he had a huge falling out with one of his closest friends very near the end of his life. The friend had said (or did) something very minor, but it triggered a huge rift which was never repaired.

I can't imagine the thoughts and feelings of someone who is facing the end of their life so much sooner than they expected.

I did send a short note which acknowledged her situation, but remained hopeful. I heard back for her today, and she was pleased to receive the it. I was relieved that she sounded positive, and is resolved to handle it one day at a time. She's not a "heart on her sleeve" kind of person, so I was really worried about offending her.