Thank you for that prayer, Toni! It was lovely! Happy Mothers day to all of our Mothers in fact, Mothers in waiting and Spiritual Mothers, and even to our male "moms". You are all very precious and very appreciated! Giving birth to a child does not make one a mother, it is love, attention, caring and devotion that does that. Being a mother is holding them close when they hurt or are fearful, laughing and crying with them, knowing when to let go and knowing how to let them come home again, even if just for a few minutes. It is support, cheerleading, playing the 'bad guy' when needed, encouraging them to grow, and try new things, even when all we want to do is keep them close. It is accepting the decisions they make for their lives, not grudgingly, but with love and understanding, even when those choices are not ones we would have made for them. It is loving where they love... and standing back and not getting in the middle. It is giving our opinion, then stepping back to let them be the person they choose to be. And it's even standing to the side and letting them deal with the consequences, good or bad, of the decisions they make. It is being there for them, even if the consequences are deserved. Blessings to all of you who have faced or will face these challenges and who do so with love, because a Mother's job is never done. Kathy Kathy

Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating.

I want to clarify what happened. My husband and SD's mom had agreed on a joint party. He told her to go ahead and book it. She called back and told him the price $300 for the package she wanted. She told us how many kids & how much time that included. I then went to the bowling alley's website and saw the package that she told us she was getting was $180. Then she admitted it was 180 and they agreed to split it 100/80. After that, she wanted to add a banner for $20 and when he agreed to that, she called back and wanted to add another lane for $60. that he didn't think was needed. She then told him that she was only paying for $80 and he had to pay the rest. That's when he said enough. She was already pissed that she didn't get away with getting him to hand over $300 cash because in the past, he let her make the arrangements and trusted that she was being fair and just gave her however much money she requested. They had a huge fight on her birthday (because Mom had gone into his job to demand money for a costume that had nothing to do with the party & she said she was only paying for HER guests) Her actual birthday party was a couple of days later and we all attended and were civil to each other. In the end, we split the cost of the party there at the bowling alley. She tried to get us to pay the whole thing on our credit card and she offered to "write us a check" for her half. We didn't go for that. (and for anyone that thinks I didn't want to pay for my step daughter's anything, that's very wrong. I buy her school clothes, counseling, girl scouts, doctor & medicine, school lunches, etc. We don't get a penny of support from her mom who hasn't held a steady job in 12 years and lives on the child/spousal support her first victim pays) Just from her history, he broke up with her after she took his credit card from his wallet and charged $2000 in Mary Kay products without his permission. They were never married and she told him she was on birth control, but as soon as she got pregnant, she was telling his family that they were getting married (he never asked her). In her first marriage's divorce papers, her first husband said the same thing, she told him she was on birth control but still ended up pregnant... only he married her & divorced her a year later.

Lovely aloes, Lars! Quite a difference from indoor grown in northern latitudes to outdoor grown in balmy climates!!! The plant above had just been moved there, given to my mom by a friend who had no room - and photo was taken on a smoky overcast day... I suspect that south facing balcony window will improve its condition. When my mom said she “doesn’t keep any plants up there because they fry” I told her to put it there :)