Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips

were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care

in hopes that my thights would forget they were there

While mama in her girdle I in my straps

had just settled down to sugar-borne naps

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash

tore open the icebox then threw up the sash

The marshmellow look of the new-fallen snow

sent thoughts of a binge to my body below

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:

a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That chunk of candy so luscious and slick

I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer

I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS

a weight watcher dropout from sugar detox

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall

now dash away pounds now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress

my clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly

they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work

ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk

And laying a finger beside my heart burn

I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry

if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night

in the morning I'll starve.... 'til I take my first bite!