Just don't do it. Seriously, it will only make things worse. Call right now and back out.

Eww, doesn't sound like much fun. I usually do our dinner, I have 5 brothers and their families. I send out emails to everyone getting a head count and then we work on what to bring. If I don't have a commitment, I simply send out another email and tell them If I don't have a confirmation by such and such date, don't come. I would do somthing similiar or just back out completely. Sounds like they might not remember that you backed out anyways.

roco.........I can't bring myself to feel sorry for you. You need to pick up the phone or get out pen and paper and make your wishes known. Why subject yourself to the dinner you describe........I wouldn't do it......

I will tell you that about 20 years ago, I learned to say No! and it was the most liberating thing I have ever done.......Why don't you and your husband do something you want to do...even a weekend trip and just not be home for T-Day.

I'd be nice and do it. Invite everyone over, don't worry about what they're bringing. What have you got to lose?

And I might add....I've been to one of these T-day dinners....where my MIL hated on me...would ask me a question then make faces behind my back. :0) You can handle this with grace or "blow it".....

One big question... Why has your son put up with this??

I would not be hosting these people... Not Thanksgiving, not ever!!!!!

My mom and step-father have always hosted all the holidays, and Father's Day. This year there was a b*tch-fest between 2 of his daughters and a DIL. 2 of his daughters 1 of his sons didn't come on Father's day. Even tho step-father had **nothing** to do with the purpose of the fight, they couldn't be in the same room as the DIL.
So literally Father's day was with my side of the family and the son and DIL. We had a great time, but Mom said never again, will she ever hold another father's day, when his kids took it out on him, by not showing.

Anyway, I'd stick to your guns and just not have it. Who needs that crap. I hate in-fighting of families.

Your son needs to tell the wife to grow up, as well.

Thanks, ruthieg......that's what I was looking for. A bit of sympathy because I'm in a bad spot. You rock (not).

I'm going to blow it off. I will make the voice mail contact to back out.

In have never had a T-day without my DS.

And to think I've been jealous of all those family's getting together for the Holidays! My daughter and SIL will be on the road and will probably have Thanksgiving with his mom and dad. My other daughter and one son lives in California...too far away. My son in PA will be coming and I will cook but it's not as much fun cooking for only three. On the other hand, after reading about your family, I'm feeling better. See, your post not only got your anger off your chest but probably makes a lot of others feel grateful. Go out, enjoy yourself and cook a turkey over the weekend.

What a sad situation. I think whether you do it or not depends on how much you want to be with your DS & grandkids. And if you are able to create a nice Thanksgiving memory for them. If MIL is going to get drunk, start a fight, etc., then I'd forget it, because it's all about the kids and your son, isn't it? Have you talked with your son? What are they going to do if you don't have the dinner?

Don't feel mad at ruthie. She just wants you to stand up for yourself and not do the dinner if you don't want to. But of course there is more than "just say no" to this situation. You love your son and grandkids.

If you decide to do it, don't depend on them to bring a thing. You just have to interact with them more to arrange it.

I should not ask this, but if she is cheating on him, why is he still with her? That's another story, but this sounds like a bad situation for your grandkids.

You hate your DIL? Wow. I'm amazed that DIL even considered calling you. I feel for your son and grandchild.

Don't be upset with Ruthie for being blunt. Sometimes it's needed, especially to get a point across. There was no slam there. I hope you know that down deep.

Anyway, I don't think there was any intention of them helping you with the day. It was "wouldn't it be nice..." (if you cooked for us), not, could I/we help and do this together?

Many years back an old GF called and she and her then new husband were planning a trip to the area and she wanted me to make them Thanksgiving dinner and they'd spend the day with me. She said they'd buy the turkey. Then they could leave their two (nearly uncontrollable) dogs with me while they went on to see her uncle (about 120 miles away) since he didn't like dogs. I was so stunned, but not surprised, and fortunately was either a message or email - I don't remember which, and after a couple days of trying to figure out if it was real or a dumb dream, sent a note that I couldn't do it. Got a few phone messages essentially "why not" and then finally realized it wouldn't happen. Then it got better. Then it was OK since I wasn't going to make them dinner, they'd go on to her uncle's and I could come and pick up the dogs from them at her uncle's place. I go WHAT??? And I said no way. "Well, in that case we're not going to stop by - we'll just head back. It's shorter." I just smiled and said have a nice trip.

The problems created by canceling it will probably be much smaller than the problems created by having them for the holidays. I hate lying, but in these circumstances I would find an excuse to cancel.

I mentally cycled thru your options. She caught you off-guard. I would be very inclined to simply "disinvite" them, as in "I'm sorry I won't be able to host a big T-g dinner. I am not feeling up to it." It's not a lie, nor excuse, it is the TRUTH. If they are that obnoxious, they probably can't be insulted either.

If you speak to your DS, could you ask him how he would feel about coming over to your house for T-g dinner, with or without his wife, but definitely without the other extended family members. Surely he doesn't like spending time with his in-laws either. Take a cue from his response or get his input on how or whether to disinvite???

Tell them that you now have a "dry" house-all took the pledge at church.
"No wine, beer or alcohol is allowed on our premises. just wanted you to know. We will be having de-caffeinated tea and coffee for you to enjoy".

I had a lush for a MIL - thankfully she just lived in a fog.

Jasdip, that is very sad. But I dont understand,

you said..."We had a great time, but Mom said never again, will she ever hold another father's day, when his kids took it out on him, by not showing. "

I don't understand why she wont do it anymore. you said every one had a great time. Why not continue having a
great time? the others are just sol.

I would do it for my grandkids. Easier to do it all by yourself rather than to plan on anyone bringing something. Just trim the menu to what you can handle yourself. Do it for THEM. Don't you like the idea of the grandkids having a nice TG? How could you NOT?

If you don't want to have them over for TG then just don't do it.

If you do just plan your own menu and do it.

Dinner for 9 isn't that hard with turkey as the main course.

Why do people have to bring something?

Don't serve alcohol. Don't allow smoking.

Try being nice to your DIL for your son's and grandchild's sake.

Somebody has to be the adult in this mess.

Wildchild said it all!

The trouble with a oard of this size is that we often do not know the rest of the story. Because I have known Roco0101 for many years, I know the story behind all of this. In her situation I would feel the same way. She has been battling serious health issues and 2 botched surgeries for the past 2 years.

Her DIL earned every single bad thought, I remember when they married, Roco welcomed her with open arms. Lying, stealing and cheating destroys that, but we cannot live our children's lives so we keep the door open, no matter the cost to our own hearts.

As I told you when we talked, I would absolutely just tell them that you are cancelling due to your health. They can't return calls, you just leave a message telling them so, I bet they call back then!

Kat, Mom was very ticked, because 3 of 4 of step-father's kids didn't come for Father's Day; his day. Just because they had a stupid childish fight with their SIL and their brother, who did come, with the kids.

To slight Step-father was very rude. He was hurt. They could certainly have come, and just not spoken to the other 2.

We that were there, had a great time, too bad on the others.

Well Lynn the other thing with posting on a board like this is you are going to get opinions from the readers.

If you have already helped your friend out and she has listened and vented to you then why is the OP posting .....I need help....?

Venting is writing and deleting or sharing it with a friend. You post you get feedbback.

So OP has had DS over for 28 years without missing? Are they newlyweds then? Or has DS been expected to attend alone in the past?

If they are newlyweds then I think to call the mom a drunk, the dad a pothead and the wife a "tramp" is a bit harsh and premature.

DS needs to man up and stand up for his wife. If he chooses to forgive her (if there is actually anything to forgive) then his mommy just has to live with it.

The idea that DS and GD can come over but not the wife later for sandwiches leaves me cringing. What kind of message is that for the poor child? Grandma hates mommy? Nice.

It's not just the other family that is messed up. JMHO

I might have phrased it differently, but I agree with Wildchild's two previous posts on this. I was wondering about having the son and grandchild over without DIL too. We had a very difficult relative for many years as well. She lied, stole and was an alcoholic, but she was loved by her husband so we always included her. We just never expected her to bring anything or help out. Sometimes she did, but we couldn't count on it. We always took the high road, which made it less stressful for her immediate family than forcing them to pick between us. Now that she's gone, I'm really glad we did it that way. It's always better to take the high road.

I can't for the life of me figure out why you would be so offended by my comments.....You will never find me making up a bunch of caca to make someone feel good about doing something they don't want to do. Everyone is agreeing with wildchild and basically she said the same thing I said....and she also didn't wrap it all up in a bunch of sweetness and light...It is what it is.......

lynn said.Her DIL earned every single bad thought, I remember when they married, Roco welcomed her with open arms. Lying, stealing and cheating destroys that, but we cannot live our children's lives so we keep the door open, no matter the cost to our own hearts.

All the more reason to say no! You can keep the door open and do the dinner but if that's the answer she wanted, then why ask us at all. My post offended you and for that I am sorry, but again...it's the truth, you have to learn to say no. There are many ways to "keep the door open" without doing something you don't want to do.

Ruthie, I agree with what you said, and that is basically what I told her last night. I love her like a sister but if she has a fault it is her heart....it gets stepped on and taken advantage of way too often. But that is part of the gal I love. She gives till it hurts...

(And WC, tho really not of your concern, that was after she posted here.)

Sometimes it is so easy to look at others for any reason instead of our own family and friends.

: A T-day dilemma I need help with...........
A few clarifications please if you don't mind...

1. Are you asking for some specific help or just whining?
It the same for me. When I've made an "oh carp! what have I done?" mistake. I whine a little to hubby (aka best friend)only, but I get over the whine and fix the problem.

2. Do you want a way to gracefully tell your DIL you are not going to do the T-Day dinner for her family?

Call her, apologize and tell her after a time to think you realize you will not be able to accommodate so many people. Because of your health issues and the stress entertaining causes, you would prefer a more serene, smaller (immediate) family affair.

3. You are hosting but you want to tell them to bring side dishes?
Since your DIL did the invites call her and tell her to let the family know they are expected to bring the sides and desserts. They don't bring they eat only what is available.

4. You don't want a drunken or stoned guest causing fights over their issues in your home?
Let your DIL know to tell them there is no booze or illegal use of drugs in the house and any abusive or disruptive persons will be asked to leave willing once, then escorted to the door if necessary or by police if even more necessary.
I would like to offer a few words of advice from experience.

Marital problems between your Son and His Wife are their business and you may want to stay out of the offering your opinion business there or you could lose your son and grandson by vocalizing and publicly posting how much you hate the DIL.
It would be much better to refrain from announcing to everyone your DIL's issues and problems in any way. My Son and his wife went through some very problematic times after a few years of marriage. I knew they were hurting each other and it could end in disaster. As hard as it was I Kept My Big Mouth Shut. I cried alone and prayed for them to find joy again. After being asked by son for my opinion. I told them both at the same time they had been together for reasons and they had taken vows to love, cherish and respect each other. I told them sometimes vows are hard to keep, breaking them is not planned, sometimes people change what they are and believe over the years. They had to look at the future and did they want to make the hard effort to mend the breaks and reseal the vows. If not they could break the final vow "till death do us part" and stop hurting each other and the people who loved them. Her Mom on the other hand bad mouthed my son to everyone including our grandson and interfered constantly in the problems. After they started to work on the marriage she continued to be a disruptive influence in many escalating ways. She is no longer welcome to the family gatherings at my DS and DIL's home. DIL will not allow her contact with our grand kids and they will not attend events where she will be. I don't think DIL and I will ever have a lot in common, but our shared love for my son and their children binds us as family, how it should be.
Good luck with your dilemma. I try to remember a good heart has no room for hate.

LIL

I know what you're going thru Roco..my DIL is a drunk ....and I am the wicked witch of the west

when "our family" TG plans were made,one month in advance,AND after the last minute extras were picked up,I was informed that "they had made plans" 3 days prior to TG....oh they had plans alright..."SHE" made the plans..to go to a hunting camp where the booze flows freely,and everyone,particularly her,could spend that wknd the way she spends every wknd. that she isnt working...pi$$ed to the gills.
And so,Christmas is coming...and there are NOT going to be plans made..the sad thing is,the little ones suffer due to her boozing it up all the time.

Gosh, I don't know what I'd do.

Do you really not want to do it or do you just want some help with the food?

I would think you may not mind hosting (if you are feeling up to it health-wise) but that you don't want to feel taken advantage of. To be asked to host Thanksgiving for someone else's immediate family and then not be offered help with the food is more than rude. If someone was really sick or something, it's one thing but it sounds like in this situation you really are being taken advantage of.

I'd call your DIL and leave a message saying..you thought about it and think with your health it may not be best that you host this year. If there really is not another place for everyone to meet, you could have it at your house but she (your DIL) would have to arrange to have the food brought (you could maybe do the turkey only)...but that's the best you could do and that she should let you know by tomorrow. Tell her if you don't hear from her by tomorrow, you'll assume it's totally off, and "may" make other plans with some friends of yours....

If she calls and you end up having it at your house... tell her you will not be allowing any alchohol. No reason needs to be given; your house, your rules. If anyone brings it...I would take it and hide it and return it at the end of the day.

If it were me, I'd find a restaurant that's open and make a reservation for 2 (me and hubs) Then if anyone asks, say "I've got plans for the day. Sorry we won't be with you." I don't spend my precious time on this earth with abusive or alcoholic people. May not make you popular, but you will have peace and quiet.