Good morning all, and thank for the feedback. Agnespuffin: unfortunately, we don't know the original attorney and now Aunt is saying that "he was too expensive, maybe I need to get another attorney who is less expensive and closer to where we live". Otherwise, I would have been on the phone with him immediately to discuss the situation. But you're right, we may have to just do some detective work, sit down with the attorney and hope that he will talk to us (keeping confidentiality in mind) and give us some guidance. You also make a good point about their level of resistance may be in direct proportion to the level of difficulty they are having and don't want to admit to. Fairegold: you really went through it with your mother--she was lucky to have you during those last few years. I had thought about the trust account too and didn't know how to set it up...again something to discuss with the mystery-attorney. Chelone: "most elderly have no idea how the system is stacked against them...." You are SO RIGHT. Especially here, because Aunt and Uncle, for various reasons, avoided the day-to-day care of their parents as their (the parents') deaths approached. They have absolutely no idea. UPDATE: Although DH is the person that Aunt and Uncle have asked to do these jobs, Brother is the person who seems to have the most sway with Aunt. Brother called this weekend and threw his support behind DH and me, as far as getting these things done, it won't be that expensive, very important to take care of the POAs, etc, in case Aunt is unable to make decisions for Uncle, and vice versa. Unfortunately, the feeling that Brother came away with is that Aunt and Uncle somehow have the idea that all this is because we are "after their money". Despite the fact that we have emphasized over and over that that is not the issue....taking care of them while they are alive is the issue. It is disheartening to be thought of as underhanded. If letting this go didn't mean more work and heartache for DH later, I would just throw up my hands and let it go. But he'll just keep at it (when the time comes) and a failure of nerve now will just make everything so much worse later. Oh and another thing: now they want to name their neighbor as the Medical POA, because they're closer, etc etc. I can see that that could be a nightmare (ie what if Aunt and Uncle want no extraordinary measures but neighbor cannot agree to that, etc). It just keeps getting better and better. Thanks for all of your help. So much to think about.

A library has many books on your topic.

There's a lot of ways people age. People can become more difficult in old age because as we age, we gradually loose control of our lives and also gradually loose our sense of being important. A lot of that is societal, but some of it is just how individual people define power and control. I know plenty of seniors who still contribute to society even after they retire, by serving on boards and volunteering for community service. They relate to others as friends, not just as bosses. But some people, like my folks for example, who were bosses at work their whole lives and who define power and contol by being infallible, do not deal well with aging. I would say, generally, that controlling people have a very difficult time with aging, and get more and more difficult as time goes on. 72 is not that old, but some people act like they are going on 92 their whole lives. Which is ironic, because there are probably some spry 92 year olds out there! Bear in mind what others have said, you can't control your mom but you can control how you react to her. You have some rights in this situation, and she has some adult responsibilities. If she chooses not to act like an adult (assuming she doesn't have some kind of dementia), then you are not responsible for her problems. Choose what you will do, and make it very clear that you are going to do as you see fit and if she doesn't like it, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. That's the only way you can deal with co-dependent people. You're just going to have to accept that she is going to be elderly and difficult. There's a difference between compassion (which you should exercise with your mom) and co-dependence, and the key is to navigate the line between the two. Recognizing the problem, like you have, is half the battle. And I think it also helps to share the burden by talking with others who are going through the same thing. I know I get a lot of solace from comiserating with my friends who are also dealing with or have dealt with difficult parental relationships. (Just ask Annie, lol!)

We set my MIL up on Life Alert. I have doubts about whether she wears the tag regularly, but I can say that it appears to work. We got a call from the Life Alert dispatcher one day saying that they'd received a signal but no one was answering her phone when they called. They had called the emergency dispatch in her town and were giving us notification of that. Meanwhile I tried a couple of times to reach her and finally did. Evidently she had accidentally hit the button and then fallen asleep! I called the L.A. dispatcher back and he notified the emergency responders that all was well. They went ahead with a welfare check, replied to L.A., who then called me back with a follow up. I believe her system monitors into the garage, but not much further. My biggest complaint with L.A. is that once we requested information they hounded us night and day to make the sale.