I confide everything with my SO. If we had secrets "we" would have a trust issue. I'd never keep anything from my SO, especially if it had to do with him. This could also effect "his" medical history. This is "need to know" information, not gossip.

Ok, I'm still a little confused. Who does your SO think is his father? Bill Jones, Ed Smith, or the man who died a couple of weeks ago? I'm thinking that he thinks Bill Jones was his father. Is that right? And you're thinking (or sister is saying) that Ed Smith is really his father?

I don't see any use in bringing it up. If whomever his bio father is hasn't been around for many years, then my take is that whomever raised him is his real father.

The one advantage in knowing your blood relatives is medical if a person could have a inherited medical/emotional issue.
I am not going to say yes or no, due to the fact I do not know the family and the relationships to each other. Some take it better than others.

If you don't tell him and he finds out later that you knew.. he may be angry with you. Tell him what you know.

My SO thinks his father is Bill Jones and has deep seated resentment that he walked out on Mom and the kids. He had nothing to do with them after he left.
His father (according to sis) is really Ed Smith.
I don't want to be mean, but I think Mom is the one that had a reason to keep secrets...Granted she raised them, but I think she is protecting her own reputation all these years.

Everyone has a right to know their biological history no matter what. I could not keep this secret from someone I loved.

I agree with you that the one who wants to keep secrets is the mom. She's the one who had the most to hide. I would tell him. It would explain how the man he thought was his father could walk away without looking back. He might have thought it was his fault as a kid, as many kids do. This would at least give him an explanation. I can't figure out why the mom would throw away all of the kids pictures, though.

I don't think all the facts are clear yet. Mom and Jones were married and had 1 kid. Mom subsequently had 2 or more children supposedly by smith but given jones' name. If #1 kid is the only one sis is saying belongs to jones, then were they seperated or still living together? If not together, then why would the other children been allowed to have his name? If mom was still with jones and had an affair with smith, then I would think dna testing would be the only thing that could actually determine who the rest of the jones kids actually belonged to. Since smith wasn't in the picture for very long, then I don't know how parentage can be proved.

Assuming the above to be true, then I don't see how it would benefit anyone to delve into this keg of worms at this late date.

Man, I think the sister put a burden on you with this bombshell. He deserves to know his parentage, every person does. I think you should talk to the oldest and ask her to tell your SO, as it is her "news". If she refuses, I think you should tell him.
It will certainly help him understand why "Bill" never kept contact and may ease that pain a bit, but the real reason is that he should know the truth.

I agree with Gardenspice. Have the sister tell him.
For myself I might talk to the informer, telling her you would like to talk to the mom first. Maybe she would agree to get some info from the mom first, provinding her memory is still intact.

I would tell your SO other what you were told - gossip/unsubstantiated information at this point by the way. Prepare him that this may not be good or bad news but you do not want to hold secrets or anything else. Honesty is always the best policy. I think the best thing would be for him to talk to his Mother.

I agree, have the sister tell him, and give her a deadline of just a week or so. If sister doesn't tell him, then you tell him "Your sister has important information which you need to know."

Really tough question. I agree with those who think the sister put you in an impossible situation. Your SO really should hear this from a family member, along with the substantiating evidence. But if you know about it, and you DON'T tell him, and it comes out later than you knew--you're relationship could be over. On the other hand, if you're the messenger who gives him this news....

Only advice I'd give you, is to take your time and really think this through and do what's right for YOU and your SO, regardless of what others say.

for a moment thought you were talking about my fil...dh was 50 before he found out that he has a half sister, from a marriage fil did in alaska during ww2..he had to leave to come back state-side, she wouldn't, and wouldn't let the dd come home with fil...so divorced.

enter the native am council, who did a search and found fil...he waits another 3 years to tell us!!! and his mom waited till dh was 16, picking up his wayward older brother from jail, that he found out HE was a half sib...

yes i'd let so know what was said at the funeral. first, s/o has the right to know, second if there was ever the reason to have surgery, and s/o needed something or needed to know medical history. last, family is still family...

your mil may think she's keeping a secret, but in this day and age there is no hiding...

I would set up a meeting between your SO and the sister that has the info, this should be a discussion between the family and she seems to have all the real info and could answer more questions. You could of course be there at his side for support. He will want answers so she should be there since she is the one with the answers and the pictures. That way you are not carrying the entire burden. If you tried to tell him the story he would want to find out the info the sis has anyway, so much simpler to do it one time with all the cards on the table.

There may be more living relatives ....

Add me to the group that thinks your SO and his sister need to have a BIG talk.

I think he should know...

what if the two of them being kept apart wasn't what his father wanted.

I vote for telling him...I would want to know if it were me.

patti

This is a tricky matter. The easy thing to do is say nothing and let life go on as is. However, there is one good reason to clue SO in - Its biological. He should know who his biological father is to prevent an accidental marriage between his children and the children of his biological father. If the biological father has no other offspring, and there is no chance there will be any, then there is no harm in hiding the truth. But there is the issue of the "right to know".

Much depends on how people envolved would react. You are the best judge of that. If telling would wreck the family, then maybe its best to be quiet. I would not worry much about trying to protect the 87 yr old woman who wants to protect her image, and might become mortified if the truth about her behavor got out. She merely covering up with a big lie to polish her image. It appears there is some guilt on her part because of throwing out family pictures to hide relationships.

Now, about the person who now holds these pictures and claims to have the true story. Be careful. Can you be sure she knows the whole truth? And why did she inform you and not the others? Doesn't she have equal responsibility in this matter? Why should it be your responsibility alone? If SO is to be informed, I think that both you and the holder of the information should do this together. You and she should set up a meeting together with all those that you deem who should know. If the holder of the photos is not willing to be exposed as the source of information, I'd be very cautious.

In my book, the folks who cared for and raised the children are their 'parents'. There could be legal complications with inheritance. If the last 'parent' did not legally adopt the blended children from other parents, then these children may not be counted as inheritors of the 'parents' who raised them. Issues like this can be nullified if the last 'parents' leave a will and name the inheritors. Trouble begins if an estate has to be probated to settle who gets what.

If the in-between children were never legally severed from their biological parent, they may be entitled to some of biological parent's estate upon his death. It will take the skill of a family lawyer to advise on this. In a case like this and at this very late date in everone's lives, it may be best to leave the status quo in place even if biological lineages are revealed.

Complex indeed. First, if something like not telling a rumor would break up a relationship, then there wasn't much of a relationship to start with is there? You don't know for sure that this is true. Much depends on what your SO's feelings are on knowing. Some don't want to know, some, like me would want to know everything and let me decide how I feel.

I think sis should talk to SO. But you could see what the feelings are on it. Chat a bit and ask a hypothetical, "we were talking on the forum today - if you were to get info about your past that changed your family history, would you want to know?" Some very adamantly would not want to know. By asking that it could raise the question and you'd know whether to go on from there.

I think it's important to remember that at this point it's all hypothetical, gossip and opinion. Without DNA, there's no proof. I doubt this would affect any inheritance issues, inbreeding or medical issues at this stage in life, but then again, I don't know a lot of the facts either.

The big question is whether you should be there when sis & SO talk. Otherwise, you could get them together and make sure it comes out.

It is hard to know what to do. My personal feeling usually is that someone should know things that impact them and I know *I* would want to know. I've had situations where I've approached it with "would you want to know" and been told no, they didn't want to know. At least doing that, I did my part and don't feel like I'm an accessory.

50 years ago things were a little different than today. So these little family secrets are far more common than one would often think. It was just 5-6 years ago I found out a little secret from our family's past that was a well-kept secret. And surprising at that since many in my family can't keep their mouths shut! But I was glad to know it and fully understand the situation and see how it would be embarrassing to the parties involved. But it also explained a few things too, which was helpful.

Thanks for all the input.
I am seeing his sister next Wednesday so I plan to talk more about this in private with her. When the talk is coming to a conclusion I plan to tell her "you do know I have to tell J, right?"
I suspect J will be somewhat indifferent on the outside. I just hate for him to think of his mother as a promiscuous woman.
I think Sis shared with me because I asked about family pictures and she just spilled it all in a moment of weakness. I think she had kept it to herself for so long and I was there at the right time.
I am not worried about him and I.
I am not worried about biological DNA passing on through the next generations. The siblings are all grandparents at this point, so I would think it is getting reasonably far apart.
What I am worried about is if it creates a divide in the family?
The detective in me really, really wants to find out who his bio father is and if he is still alive. I want to know if he wanted to be a part of their lives or not. Were they bad men? Or did she use them?
I want to know if he has more half-siblings. Do they want to know?
Part of me thinks J would rather not know anything.
ME? I want to know it all.

Funny coincidence story...my EX was adopted at 5 and raised by a stepfather. When he was an older teenager he fell in love with a girl he said was his perfect mate. They started to get serious when one day her mother pulled him aside and said he had to break up with her...she had had an affair with his bio father when he was still married to his mother. The girfriend was his half-sister! He said no one ever told the girl, he just broke it off.

Don't mess around here. Tell your sister-in-law that she has a week to tell your SO. I suggest you be present at the meeting between them so that you will have first hand knowlege of what is said. Be a quiet listener. Do not jump in and ask you SO his reaction. Let him sit with it for a couple days.

"Mama" may deny it all, but so what? Don't ASK her, TELL her. As for her being promiscuous, it doesn't sound as though she had a series of lovers, just a long affair. Was the man involved also married?

There are NO *good* family secrets. The truth about one thing often sheds light that spreads much farther.

My DH was furious with and hurt by relatives who kept his adoption a secret for 40-some years. Some cousins still denied knowing after another family member told him 'everybody' knew. Some later admitted they'd known. (Those who perpetuated the lie are no longer part of his life.)

Knowing of his adoption was key to my DH's understanding many things about his upbringing. It changed his life for the better. Things finally 'made sense'.

Many a husband has raised another man's children, knowingly or unknowingly. Under most law, a child born to a married woman is *legally presumed* to be her husband's child -- unless she names another as father.

I haven't posted in a very long time, but this reminds me of the Judd's...Naomi, Winona and Ashley. Winona always thought she and Ashley had the same father and didn't find out until several years ago that she had a different father. She was hurt and furious to find out that Ashley knew, the band members knew and a host of other people knew. As I understand it, that's what caused the split between Naomi and Winona performing together and added to Winona's struggles.
I think your SO should be told by his sister with you close by to help with the conversation and figuring out. He might start putting pieces together right away of things he's noticed over the years and things he'd heard or even felt. The three of you could end up having a really good talk about the situation.

Add me to the "he needs to know" pile. This same thing happened to a good friend of mine when she found out in her early 40's that she was adopted and all her siblings knew. She was devastated.

In her case, she has managed to reconcile with the siblings and chose never to speak to her mother about it. As with Chisue's husband, though, it made lots of things fall into place in her mind.

I agree with giving the sister a week to tell, then you do it. Although I greatly respect what Cynic has to say, I disagree with his statement that, "First, if something like not telling a rumor would break up a relationship, then there wasn't much of a relationship to start with is there?" Stuff like this makes people think, "If she was willing to hide this from me, what else is she hiding?"

What good would it do? it wont change things,I'ts in the pass.We all have things in our pass that we would like to think never happened.It's like trying to get smoke back in the fire.Let it go.

it was a differnt time..i'm assuming your so is a babyboomer and at or near the end of ww2 or korea...things happen very quickly and lives were changed in an instant...

now days we call it finding ourselves...

News like this at funerals is quite common. You cannot hide this knowledge from your SO.

Same thing happened in my family. "J" had political aspirations, and politics being dirty, he would have found out from a journalist who his biological father was, rather than a family member. How do you think that would make "j" feel?

"J" has every right to know.

I wouldn't wait one second to tell DH such news, I we were in the same situation, and I believe he would tell me if he had such info as well. We would know that it was unsubstantiated, and would have to be verified; but I could never keep something like that from him. He would have a right to know.

I would tell DH in a heartbeat. Truth or not, he needs to know.
I found out as an adult, my dad was not my biological parent but his brothers child. Dad is/was dad... period, he raised me.

My loyalty would always be to my DH or SO. I would tell him today what I had heard and then let his sister know that you couldn't keep the secret any longer. Questions need to be asked and answered. Yes, it will cause a lot of hurt and confusion but the truth is the truth. I know this will be hard for you too. How could you not tell him when you have told all of us?

Side topic: Salgal, it's a shame your ex didn't tell his half-sib WHY he dropped her. She must have been terribly hurt.

What you've described is the natural familial attraction that bonds families. When it doesn't take place between young children within their natural families, and they first meet as adults, the love and familiarity sometimes feels sexual. At my search and support group we always warned reuniting adoptees and birthfamily members about this.

Knowing that these powerful feelings could be confusing helped to prevent some terrible heartaches. Where people misinterpreted the feelings and acted on them sexually, it destroyed the development of a genuine family bond.

An adoptee, having lived a whole life knowing he is 'different', separated from his genetic kin, is especially vulnerable to mistaking powerful feelings of connection. (This is entirely separate from an adoptee's love for the adoptive parents and siblings.)

We just found out earlier this year that our oldest sister who passed away in 2000 had a child that she gave up for adoption that no one knew about. It's a long story but she had an short relationship with someone that resulted in a child after her first marriage broke up and before she married a second time.
No one in our family knew. Even though she lived nearby she was estranged from us. And I guess afraid of what our parents would have said. We'll never know what she was thinking. Anyway it hurt finding this out after the fact.
I think you, SO and his sister need to sit down and talk about this. He deserves to know.

Well, I have made a decision that I am going to tell him. I will see his sister next week - she lives in another state. I want to have a few more details from her. He can call her afterwards if he wants.
I was going to tell him this week, but his adult son was arrested on Wednesday for something we haven't quite sorted out yet...so no sense in adding stress right now.
I am not procrastinating - he is truly the type that timing is everything for him to be receptive.
Thanks again for your advice and stories. My heart aches for him already... knowing a huge piece of his life will always be unanswered.
I'll keep you posted.

Invite Sis over for supper.

If you can figure some kind of situation where you could, in a rather joking fashion, ask SO if there were pirates in his past (or bank robbers)... would he want to know?

That could lead into the discussion.

Play it by ear, from there.

ole joyful

The way you told it was pretty confusing and I still don't know what you mean; but I would tell my SO...I'd just say, this is what I heard but I don't know if it's true.