Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sixed Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it it a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adeqate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out- way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the dam thing and pushed the button..... Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing !! I do love a little fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so! Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife whatt he burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger. I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in the other. The directions said that: A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water... All the while I'm looking at this LITTLE device (measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way -- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I was sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****** !!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a tazer, one note of caution.... There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then if you're lucky, you won't jam one of the prongs 1/2 inch deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-BISQUIT- EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there?? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching... and I swear I smelled burning flesh and hair.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way has anyone seen my testicles? I think they rolled away. I'm offering a reward. They're round rather large. Miss'em.... sure would like to get'em back. It's good to know that the wife will be safe from stupid assailants..... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For anyone out there still tempted to bid on these supposed "seeds" of "rare" Anthurium, I'd like to share with you my exchange of email with the seller. But first, a bit of background. There is at least one plant on the list of plants being offered that is so rare many have been searching for it for almost 20 years! The photo used was stolen (along with many others) from the International Aroid Society website. This seller is offering 5 "seeds" for about $2 as an opening bid! I'm not going to tell you which plant, but if you've followed my by website you can figure it out. The plant was once on the cover of the International Aroid Society journal and many of us have been trying to find it for years! A botanist is in South America right now looking for the specimen since new information recently became available. And this seller supposedly has seeds of this very rare Anthurium for $2.00??? The seller has now admitted they don't even have any of the seeds offered! Here is the email exchange: I asked via eBay email: "I noticed you illegally stole the photo of this plant and many others from the International Aroid Society website. Your infraction has been reported to the officers of the society. I'm curious, do you even know this species is extremely rare? Do you know that there is not a botanical garden in the Unites States that even has one? Do you have this plant? Where did you possibly get seeds of a plant this rare? Makes me wonder? Are you even legitimate? I think I'll report this to eBay as well. Right now!" And the seller responded: "Hi, Actually the seeds are at US. I am just a trader not a botanic expert. I buy several seeds through internet and again sell them. The photos and descriptions were sent by the seller. I'm aware of the photos but the seller says that we are not selling mother plants just seeds so the photos are for just to give an idea of the plant, what the buyer should expect from the seeds. Thank you for your interest. Kind Regards, ladybotany" Some of this sellers offerings are now up into the hundreds of dollars for 5 "seeds"! Seeds that are likely nothing more than "make believe". Seeds the seller admits they don't even have! So, is anyone foolish enough to bid on seeds the seller admits they don't have? Seeds, some of which are so rare botanical gardens can't get them? From a seller who admits they know nothing about Anthurium species but still calls themselves "ladybotany"? From a seller who will steal photographs in order to make the sale of "seeds" from plants they don't even possess? From a seller that uses a Hotmail address to cover their tracks? From a seller who is not even charging enough in postage to safely pack and ship any seeds at all? From a seller whose only feedback is from things they've purchased, never sold?? If you are still willing to bid on any of these "seeds", I've got a bridge in New York City I'll sell you cheap! You could make a fortune charging tolls to cross that bridge! This smells exactly like a cleverly disguised scam! And the seller didn't even do enough homework to be clever! This offering is obviously aimed at the people of Indonesia who are willing to pay very high prices for Anthurium plants and seeds. What was it P.T. Barnham supposedly said about a "sucker born every minute"? This one is looking for a bunch of suckers. And they will probably find them unless eBay stops this entire mess! Buyer beware!! __________________

Tenants do produce adult web content. I took over a property and had a tenant who was home all the time. I was updating the info I got and asked for her work phone number. She said she quit her job and worked at home. I said great! Making small talk I asked what she did from home. She told me she was an artist. She moved out only 3-4 months after this and while showing the apartment for re-rental never saw any type of art stuff. Paints, canvas, clay etc. She did however have a web cam in her room and the bed was set up in an odd way. The last month I had to drop things off for her move and collect some money. Her boy friend opened the door and I asked to speak to her. He said she was "working" in her room and give her 5 minutes. A few minutes later she came out in a robe. My suspecions were further verified when my co worker (her old neighbor) informed me he learned of this from her parents. She was a good tenant. Quiet, paid on time, caused no problems, and since she was home all the time watched the neighbors and area for trouble.

I am perplexed at the number of people who think a side of fried chicken is gross with a waffle. How is it different from ham and eggs and toast with jam or bacon and eggs with pancakes? What about linguisa, a pork chop or steak as a breakfast meat with eggs, waffles, pancakes or any other combo of breakfast items. What makes chicken so odd to some? Chicken pot pie. How could someone not know what that is? I don't know one person who wouldn't be familiar with it here in California unless they were a recent immigrant. I agree Liege waffles done right are awesome. I think Elmer does know I meant the horrid thick doughy things chain restaurants serve.