Yes, I'd say it's time. The fact that you dread her emails is enough of a reason. I knew someone who was that negative, and once I realized how toxic she was I began to avoid her. She lived nearby, so it was harder. Be glad your "friend" has moved away.

Negative people are infectious aren't they?!! I have a very hard time as you do with people like that. I much prefer to try to find the positive to look at. Having a negative attitude seems like you would just be in a foul mood all the time. I tell my husband that a lot when he gets in one of his downer phases! Why go through life that way I don't understand it. WE all have our own troubles to carry some much more than others and having someone throw that on top of the pile does just wear you out it does me!

I think since they have moved you have a good opportunity to start limiting contact with her. It is your life to live!

Yes, and don't feel bad about it.. I went through about the same thing. I quit calling and emailing her. It sure felt good. Sadly she is one that can only have 1 friend at a time. We would plan something and then she would cancel at the last minute. The last time she called and said her painting friends had dropped by unexpectly. I got in my car and drove past her house. Not a soul was there and she had lied to me for the last time.I don't miss her one bit. I have talked to others that she used to be friends with and they had the same thing happen to them. I ran into her the other day and she asked if I had some free time for visiting. I said no. I am not willing to get this started again..

Go ahead and block her email address and don't answer the phone. She will get the message and stop calling..Life is to short to put up with people that bring you down.

Been in that situation too and know that guilty feeling you can get when you know that others have been abandoning her for the same reason. We moved, I knew her for 12 years; it has been 8 years now and I have learned that she has developed Alzheimer's. Sometimes I wonder if those negative, negative, negative ways of thinking were the early signs of that disease.....or....if those negative ways of being is a contributor to that disease. Either way, being negative is just no way to live and a good thing to avoid 'just in case'.

It's time. I had a friend like that for years and finally had it and have not been in contact with her in 7 years. Luckily she doesn't live near by so I don't run onto her.

I have another friend who is very religious and a goody two shoes. My daughter had problems which she almost delighted in. When the problems were solved , she keeps bringing them up. Who needs friends like that?

That is the clue! they are not true friends when they do things like that. Not in my book anyway!

You answered your own question. She sounds horrible!

Thanks so much for all the opinions, they really verify it's time to end this. I am not going to reply to her most recent email, hopefully she will get the message. It will be a relief to not have to deal with her negativity any more. I am surprised how many of you have had similar experiences, there seem to be a lot of negative, toxic personalities out there.

Sounds exactly like the toxic relationship I dealt with for almost 9 years with a friend. Everything that came out of her mouth was negative and she would blame me for things that went wrong in her life. My last straw was when she blamed me for her needing a hysterectomy. I never knew I had that kind of power! I finally began connecting physical symptoms I was having whenever I knew I'd see her or when she called. I struggled when I had to end the friendship, but when I did I could finally take a much needed deep breath. My physical symptoms also disappeared. She lives in town and I see her periodically. We acknowledge each other with a nod and no more.

It's a tough thing to end a relationship and I feel your pain, but how much longer can you deal with such negativity. Does she do this to other friends, family?

She would have lost me with the first crack about my son. Toxic people, who needs them?

Yes, she's generally negative with everyone. She literally sucks the joy out of happy occasions. If you won the lottery, she would probably tell you how many lottery winners have wound up with huge personal problems. When her niece got married, she quoted statistics about the 50% divorce rate. If you were to confront her, she would act surprised and state that she is just trying to point out pitfalls "to help you".

I have had a couple of "Friends" like that too. The first one....well she was only happy if she was unhappy. KWIM? So negative and down, my DH always said he could tell when i had been talking to her, she would bring me right down with her. Who needs that?
And another so-called friend, that seemed to take delight when she found out we were having issues with our kids.. or any problems at all. She was a miss goody two shoes too.

sorry this happened but life is short, you need to surround yourself with positive people.

Just a thought. You probably do care a bit, because of health issues with the husband, but you cannot put yourself in communication with her again. One thing you could do, IF you want to, just put the family in God's hand, with a short prayer and move on. I have done this and for me, I can show compassion but still not be directly involved.

Jenna, that is too funny because my husband knows exactly when I've had any interaction with her because of my rotten mood. :o)
Marie, I am not religious but I do wish him the best.

I think I agree with kat_wa about sending a final e-mail. I am by nature more inclined to just not confront the situation, but I've learned by experience that it is often better to be truthful and upfront. Otherwise the situation could drag on. Plus sometimes people really learn about themselves from such moments and realize the need for change. Most people aren't very truthful in our society because it hurts both parties; still, it is often necessary. I'd send a brief and kind but firm e-mail telling her that while you appreciate her good qualities (or something like that!) you think it best to no longer associate with her due to her constant negativity. Then don't respond to any further e-mails from her. You've done the best you could.

You know I had a good friend for years, in fact I'd probably call her one of my best friends. When my SO passed away, I kind of withdrew and went through the grieving process the only way I knew. That friend quickly grew tired of me mentioning "Joe" and not accepting invitations to go out with her to events we always enjoyed together and with the others in our group. Suddenly she quit calling. Period. It was like she felt very uncomfortable around me and didn't want to be bothered or I suspect didn't know how to act or what to say. I finally called her a few times, but it has never been the same between us. I feel she dumped ME. It's not a good feeling.

I befriended a woman a few years ago who talked incessantly about her ex husband who had cheated on her. I was sympathetic because it really was a terrible case. For a long time I thought it had happened recently--maybe a year or two ago--but then discovered it had happened more than 8 years ago. She was simply "stuck" in her anger, grief, and hurt. I finally told her that I dreaded going out with her because every conversation revolved around her obsession with her ex's infidelity. It was awkward and I felt pretty terrible afterward. But it was also a relief to let that relationship go.

No, I am not going to send her an explanatory email. In her mind, she is right and everyone else is wrong. And she is vindictive too, so just letting things fade away is probably a better idea. I am really hoping my not responding to the latest mail will annoy her to where she refuses to write again until I respond, which I won't, and that will be it. I just want to be done and move on and not even think about her any more.

Schoolhouse, she definitely wasn't a friend, you are better off without her.

Yes, it will never stop. I knew someone for a couple of weeks that was always upset about something and the final straw was when I found out she was a racist. She called me 3 times in one day, she lost her car keys, she couldn't get her PC online, on and on. She was afraid of her neighbors because they were all Mexicans. Finally she said she was worried about her son going to hell because he sympathized with the way Muslims were treated after the twin towers went down. I told her she needed to see a professional, one who could prescribe tranquilizers instead of seeing the church counselor. That pretty well ended it. She met another lady by way of the third party and that lasted 2 or 3 days.

Thanks petra.

EmmaR, I'm having the same issues with another friend of mine. I never knew her to be racist before, I blame it on a new man in her life whom she wants to please. We are totally on a different plane now days in many other areas and I would rather distance myself from her. Isn't that funny? I just talked about the fact that I was dumped, and here I am treating some one else the same way!

Yes.

I have a long time friend who is also very, very negative. She never criticizes me to my face but nothing good to say about anything or anyone. It is very hard to take. I have to be in the right mood to talk to her on the phone and if I get a negative email I usually kind of ignore it.

She has very few friends and we have been friends for such a long time that I would certainly not dump her. I think she is a friend in need and I try to be supportive of her and still keep my sanity. In general I've never been one to consciously dump a "friend". Sometimes we've drifted apart but I've never just chosen to dump someone.

Maybe someone who can be dumped is more of an acquaintance than a friend.

SH, I didn't feel bad about "dumping" this acquaintance. I am 75 years old and I intend to live what time I have left in peace. It may be selfish but so what. I have lived my life taking care of others and putting them first and putting up with their uh, problems. I wanted her to stop calling me.

With family we have to be careful and put up with a lot of stress because we love them, it is different with friends. We choose them and they are suppose to add to our lives, we are suppose to get pleasure from their company, not pulled down into their quagmire.

Exactly, Emma. We can't choose our family but we do choose friends and not to bring us strife. I have another friend who latches on to me excessively for periods of time and then I don't hear from her for awhile. We been friends for over 30 years so I don't want to dump her, but I just get tired of hearing the same old tales about the rotten men in her life..Two ex husbands and two estranged sons. She even started calling me after midnight but I didn't answer, so she stopped that.

Lily, we can also choose to be alone that is what my Mom did. She would visit with neighbors occasionally, but she never had a close friend. She was a recluse by choice and I think that is where I am headed.

Not all friendships last a lifetime. I would avoid her for a while and hope she gets the hint.

I agree with Emma and Lily. Friends are supposed to be a happy, positive part of our lives, not someone who makes us feel bad and dread spending time/communicating with them. Sure, everyone of us has a bad day from time to time, but someone who routinely drags down everyone else around them has major problems that those of us who are not mental health professionals are not armed to address, and should not have to deal with. If there are no positives to the friendship and all the person does is make you feel bad about everything and put you down, why continue on?

Are you sure your "friend" isn't my boyfriend's mother? ;)
I've never met anyone who talks about herself or others being sick, people having weird diseases, people dying, etc. so much in my life!

One particular family holiday she kept going on and on about illnesses and death. After everyone had had a few glasses of wine and we were sitting down to dinner, she said out of nowhere, "Kids, remember the story about your great great uncles who got burned to death in a fire?". Completely inappropriately, I burst out laughing because that was like the 10th death she had talked about for night, and I was tipsy. I was mortified, but luckily everyone else understood, lol.

There was a time when I took inventory of all my friends and I realized they were all very needy. I asked myself, why would I be drawn to that sort if person? I also realized that I never extended myself to attractive and successful women.
It must have been that I thought I wouldnt have anything to iffer. I decided to challenge that....life is interesting when you realise the subconscious limitations you put on yourself.

Does this woman have other friends and close family? Sounds like she is going through a hard time with her husband's health issues. It may be a time when she needs a friend. Maybe this is not the best time to turn your back on her. My experience has been that people who "thrive" on the bad luck of others are sad and jealous, and generally unhappy with their lot in life. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to hear her out once a week on the phone until she is past this crisis.

I would not put up with her negative comments about your son, though. Can you say I love my son with all my heart in spite of his problems and it makes me feel bad when you talk that way about him? Maybe she will learn to hear herself.

If things don't improve soon, I think you have to gradually get yourself out of this.

Jenn, it sounds like they'd be two peas in a pod. :) They would probably sit around for days and gleefully exchange stories of disaster and misfortune.
Amy, that is an interesting point. I wonder if people like that are attracting to nurturing types. I don't think friendships should include having to try to fix the person.

Dedtired, I understand your point, but I just can't do it any more. It's been several days since we've had contact because I have been putting off replying to her most recent email, and I feel like a weight has been lifted.

When my husband had some weird symptoms several years ago (which thankfully, turned out to be nothing major) she was not supportive at all, instead harped about all the diseases it could be, how he is a few years older and will die first anyway, etc. I needed to hear encouragement, not her negative crap. When I said something to her, she told me she was just being realistic and I was being the opposite. So I really don't feel supportive toward her.

She has plenty of family and other people around her because they moved back to where they originally came from, so she has a large support system. And she has no reason to be jealous of anyone else, they have buckets of money, good health up until now, and really nothing to worry about.

Maybe you should tape one of her conversations if you live in a state that allows it. If she wants to know why you are being cool, play the tape.

I had a friend/neighbor one time that was having a problem with her husband. She asked me what I thought of him. Don't ever ask me if you don't want to know. I told her I thought he was a womanizer. It was the feeling I got when I first met him. Of course she got mad at me and didn't speak to me anymore. Later after she moved away, she stopped by and told me, I was right and apologized for getting angry at me. He had been cheating on her repeatedly and left her for another woman.

I think this same woman is circulating around to all of us..lol..The friend who I dumped years ago was like your friend. I actually had anxiety when we talked on the phone ,because it was essentially all negative about everyone we knew. So and so should lose some weight. Did you see so and so actually used a toothpick in public? Stuff like that. My goody two shoes friend and I have a lot in common, but her "digs" set me off sometimes. My daughter and husband were having difficulties last fall, but all is well now and they had a big three week trip to Hawaii. I remarked to friend that their son doesn't know how lucky he is. He has been to more places, Europe, this trip where he dived off a 50 foot cliff and rode in a helicopter, and the trips to Canada and the islands many times (I didn't mention those as she knew about them)..She said all he'll remember will be the fights his parents had. Really?

Emma, I think I'm getting like your mother..a bit of a recluse. Reading old diaries ten, twenty years ago, I was amazed at what a social butterfly I was. Talked four and five time a day on the phone, went antiquing and running around at least once a week. I still like an occasional lunch with a friend but not the obsessive running around shopping, stuck in traffic ,buying stuff I didn't need. I prefer being home with the pets.

Emma, I am going to stick with completely avoiding contact. That is probably the best thing to do, especially since she has moved and I won't run into her. In retrospect, I think I've distanced myself for quite a while already by withholding things from her that you would normally share with a good friend. But because I didn't want to deal with her negativity, I just didn't tell her about any of those issues. And that in itself creates lots of distance.

Lily, that sounds EXACTLY like something she would say!! There is just no joy in these people, they seem incapable of being happy or positive. It must be really sad to be like that. On the positive side, it has made me more aware when I am being negative and it snaps me out of that mode really fast.

The sad part of it for her is she can never get over it because she keeps talking about it. Even though she may be hurt by people who are honest with her, she may realize she is going to be alone for ever if she doesn't change.

Absolutely yes, without a doubt. And you shouldn't have any guilt feelings, although, I would be sorry about her DH, as I would be sorry for anyone having medical problems.

Petra,
Indeed....why "wouldn't" takers and life suckers be drawn to nurturers who struggle setting boundaries - after all, the rest of the people they come across have boundaries and are unavailable for relationships with people like them.

Add me to the list of recluses. I am alone all the time, so much that I don't even notice that I am by myself....it just feels so natural. I know someone who can't be by herself at all. If she isn't surrounded by family or friends, she has to be on the phone with them. That is so strange to me.

Anyway, to make this more relevant to the discussion at hand, I had a friend that I had several interests in common with, but she couldn't keep our friendship to that. She was constantly running down everyone and she would call me three or four times a day to talk about things I had no interest in. (her other friends' sex lives, for example).
I recall talking to her on the phone one time, and I had something I needed someone to talk to about, and so I confided in her, and she said, "Oh, the most beautiful bird just came to my feeder." I just let it drop. I also dropped her. Some time later, her daughter ran into me in the store and told me how much I had hurt her mother. I told her, you have no idea how much she hurt me...snide remarks she made. Years passed and I saw her daughter again and I asked her about her mother. In the conversation I told her, I had to let her go..."You have no idea how hard she was on me." Her daughter said, "She is hard on everyone. She has alienated all of her friends."

Yes, time to move on and just not encouraging her is the best way to go. Ignore those emails, or send curt replies.

Yes, I agree. Now that I've had a few days' complete distance, I am really starting to wonder why on earth I ever put up with so many ugly remarks, innuendos, barbs, and plain mean behavior.

Marilyn, this one is the same way. She cannot be alone, she always has to have someone around, either visiting or on the phone. Or she writes looong emails and expects a reply to every single thing she mentions. AND she would constantly talk or write about people I don't even know and have no interest in. Did you feel mentally drained after interacting with your "friend"? With this one, I felt completely drained of energy and depressed and down about everything after talking or even getting an email from her.

Dedtired, I really hope this will play out the way I expect, with her being ticked off that I haven't replied, and refusing to write again. I just want to be done.