I hope someone has some to share. I'm terible about remembering jokes, so I have nothing to offer.

Linda

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Two brothers were in the yard one day and they came across some rabbit droppings. The little brother asked what they were, and the older brother told him they were smart pills. So the big brother told him to eat 2 of them and he would be smarter. The little brother took 2 of them, ate them, then spit them out and said they taste like sh!t, the big brother said, see you are smarter already.

A few of my favorites:

PATIENCE

A cop was patrolling at night at a well-known lover's lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?" "I'm 23, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

---------------------------------

POTTY MOUTH

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

------------------------------------

Earl and Bubba, two guys from Elmore County, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -- she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer, and says, "You better think that one over -- women like that are hard to find."

-----------------------------

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. They go into the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,... "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Here's one for you guys:

The Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need Cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

This blonde boarded an airplane with a ticket for coach but she went and sat in the first class section. The stewardess came over and told her she would have to move to coach. She said "Look, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to New York and I am not going to move. The stewardess got the co-pilot and told him the situation. He goes to the blonde and tells her she has to move to coach. She said, "Look I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to New York and I am not going to move. The co-pilot went and got the pilot and told him about the trouble they were having. The pilot goes to her and leaned down and whispered in her ear. She immediately jumped up and ran into the coach sitting. The co-pilot said to the pilot,"What in the world did you whisper to her? The pilot said,"I just told her that first class doesn't go to New York."

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde walks in to a pawn shop close to where she lives.... she looks around for a while and then approaches the clerk...."I would like to buy that t.v. over there" the clerk says "I am sorry lady we don't serve blondes here" the blonde leaves in a huff.. the next day she returns wearing a brunette wig. "I would like to purchase that t.v. over there" Again the clerk says "lady I told you yesterday we do not serve blondes here" Now the blonde is furious... The next day she dresses like a man (a suit, tie, mustache, etc.) she approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice " I would like to purchase the T.V. over there! The clerk then says " lady I told you twice already we do not sell to blondes here!!!!!" She says to the clerk "how can you tell... yesterday I wore a wig, today I am dressed like a man, how can you tell it is me??" He laughs and says "because that's a microwave!!"

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "Not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to eat few." "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

During the big football game between Temple and Penn State, one of the coaches happened to look into the stands and sees an empty seat. During halftime, he runs up the stadium steps and asks if anyone knows who owns the seat. An elderly white-haired woman says, "Mr. Coach, this seat belongs to my husband for more than 20 years and unfortunately, he passed on." The coach most sympathetic replies, "Couldn't you give the seat to a nephew or grandson?" She states, "I tried to, but everyone wanted to go to the funeral."

There was a man sitting in his room. He began to talk to God. The man said, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" God replied, "Well so you would like them." "Oh" the man replied, "why did you make women so soft?" again, God replied, "So you would like them." The man was pensive for a moment and then asked, "God, why then did you make women so darned stupid?" God replied, "So they would like you!"

The policeman pulled over the elderly driver and said, "My gosh, man, didn't you realize your wife fell out of your car three miles back?" "Oh thank God," exclaimed the old gent, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Four golfers standing on first tee awaiting their tee-off time. They notice a funeral cortege
passing by on an adjoining road. One of the group separates himself from the group, walks
down to the side towards the road, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. His friends
standing back on the tee of course notice this and one remarks, "Isn't that touching that
someone would have the graciousness and sincerity to pause and pay their respects to the
dead like that. You don't see much of that anymore." One of the group spoke up, "Well he
should, it's his wife's funeral."

Man is in examining room. Doctor points out the door to the room at the end of the hall.
"There's a bottle on the back of the commode in that room down the hall. I need you to give
me a specimen." Man looked at doctor skeptically, looked down the hall, looked back at doctor and said, "From here?"

DUMB MEN JOKES
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? -- So men can understand them
What is the difference between government bonds and men? -- Government bonds mature
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? -- Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women? - When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
What did GOD say after HE created man? - I can do better than this.
How do men define a "50-50" relationship? - women cook/men eat--women clean/men dirty--women iron/men wrinkle
How do men exercise at the beach? - By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.

Two men lived side by side in a small rural town. Pat had a large police dog and Tom had a small fluffy dog. One night Pat came home and he was getting out of his car he saw his dog shaking his head from side-to-side. He had something in it's mouth and it looked like it was his neighbors little dog. He ran to his dog and took it out of his mouth. Feeling very bad, he took the small dog down to his cellar and washed and cleaned it up. He waited till it was dark and went over to his neighbors house and put the dog on the porch and put his chain and leash on him and went back home. The next day as he was leaving for work Tom met him and said, "You know Pat, we have some sick people living around here. My small fluffy dog died last week and I buried him in my back yard and this morning I looked in my back yard and saw he was dug up and then when I came out my front door there he was tied up on the porch.

A lady goes to her priest and says, "Father, I have a terrible problem. I own two female talking parrots, but the only thing they can say is, 'Hi, We are prostitutes. Want to have some A lady goes to her priest and says, "Father, I have a terrible problem. I own two female talking parrots, but the only thing they can say is, 'Hi, We are prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" The priest says, "That is terrible. Just by luck, I own two talking male parrots whom I have trained to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over tomorrow and we will soon have them straightened out." The lady brings her two parrots over to the priests' residence. The two male parrots were in their cage, holding rosary beads in their claws. As soon as the female parrots spotted the mail parrots they announced: "Hi, We are prostitutes. Want to have some fun?" The male parrots looked at each other and one of them said, "Get rid of the rosary beads. Our prayers have been answered."

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street-she never felt a thing. A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said. "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing--the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies. Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee and I can't hear anything but thank God I can still drive."

Woman of a certain age goes for her annual physical examination. She returns home and tells her husband that the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman. Her husband responds, "And what did he say about your big ass?" She replied quickly, "Your name never came up, dear."

Seniors are worth a fortune. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and gallbladder, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomach.

Update on my life: I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps get me out of bed. Then I go to see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

Three preachers went to heaven. St.Peter interviewed them. Seemed that transportation was a status symbol in heaven and you were issued a vehicle according to how good you were down on earth. Preacher number one had slept with more than a dozen of his congregation so he was issued a bicycle. Number two had only slipped twice so he was issued a Ford. The third one had never slipped so he got a Rolls Royce. Sometime later the first two preachers were talking when they spotted the Rolls Royce across the street. So they strolled over for a chat. They found the preacher crying. "What's wrong?" they asked. The preacher said he had just seen his wife go by. "But that should make you happy." they said. "But she was on a skate board!" the preacher wailed.

Three women of a certain age lived together in a big house. One day, as they were all sitting in the living room, the first woman said, "Well, I think I'll go upstairs and take a bath." She got to the bathroom, ran a tub of water, took off her clothes and said, "Oh, goodness. Was I just getting in the tub or am I just getting out?" Unable to decide, she just sat there, trying to puzzle it out. Downstairs, the second woman said, "I'm worried about the length of time she's taking. I'd better just go upstairs and see if she's okay." She started up the stairs but got a little out of breath so paused to rest. After she had rested a bit, she looked around and said, "Oh dear, was I going up the stairs or going down?" In the living room, the third woman shook her head and said, "I'm sure glad I'm not getting as senile as those two--knock on wood!" and she rapped on the arm of her wooden rocking chair. "Oh!" she said, "Is that somebody at the front door or the back door?"

A man who had led an exemplary life on earth almost broke his nose on the Pearl Gates when they didn't swing wide for him. Saint Peter, standing aside said, "Just a minute. before you can enter, you must answer three questions." "O.K.," said the man, "What are they?' "The first question," said St. Peter, "Is how many seconds are there in a year?" The man thought a moment and replied, "Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, ....." "Very good," said St. Peter. "Now tell me the two sequential days of the week beginning with the letter 'T'." Again, after some consideration, the man answered, "Today and tomorrow." "Alright. Now for the final question. "What is God's first name?" "No problem," answered the man, "Its Andy, -- Andy He walks with me, Andy He Talks with me ..."

An old man sees a friend sitting on a park bench weeping. "How have things been with you Bob," he asks his older friend. "Great. I just married a beautiful young woman." "Wonderful! But then why are you crying?" Bob, "I can't remember where I live."

Aged husband and wife sitting on the front porch. Wife said, "I certainly would appreciate a vanilla ice cream cone." Husband: "I'll hobble right down to the drugstore and get you one dear." Wife: "Now, remember, I want vanilla. You always get chocolate. Write it down - Vanilla." Husband replied, "I can certainly remember vanilla. The store is only two blocks away." Husband comes back with a hamburger and hands it to his wife. She looks at it disgustedly. "I knew you'd forget the mustard," she said.

Earl James and Bobby Lee, two mountain boys were hunting out in the woods, when all of a sudden, a large shadow flew over them, and looking up they saw a hang glider flying overhead. "What the hell kinda bird is that Bobby Lee", asked Earl James. " I don't know", said Earl, whereupon he raised his rifle and shot at the flying object. "Didja get 'em?" asked Earl. "Don't know", replied Bobby, "but I made him let go of that man he was carrying".

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him some questions: "God, how long is a million years to you?" And God said, "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God said, "A million dollars is like a penny." The man thought for a moment and asked, "God, will you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

A mother & daughter work in a convenience store at their family's service station. They have "no smoking" signs posted on the doors and in various other places. One day a nice-looking gentleman came in, smoking a cigarette. The mother asked him, politely, if he would please put out the cigarette or smoke it outside. The man replied, in a courteous and non-belligerent tone of voice, "I notice that you sell cigarettes in here. Why can't I smoke in here?" The mother replied, "We sell toilet paper in here, too."

Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ...... Is this 486-5731?"

Ron

Check out the humor thread on the Computer Forum

Here is a link that might be useful: Conversations

One morning the granddaughter came downstairs wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Granny scolded her for being so immodest. The girl said, "When you have rosebuds, you should show them."

Next morning, Granny came downstairs without anything on top. When Granddaughter shrieked, Granny said, "Seeing as how you were showing your rosebuds, I thought I would show my hanging baskets."

(Darn, why do I always think of that joke when I'm getting dressed in the morning?????)

what did the snail say on the back of the turtle

WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

My husband and I are getting along in years so we have sex doggie style.

I sit up and beg and he rolls over and plays dead.

Linda

Stop or Slow Down

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a
better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputies expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR
JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Thank you KT people. I am sitting here laughing and laughing.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac???

He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

This one can be rewritten for any nationality but the way I first heard it was:

Why did the English invent the wheel barrow?

It was the only way they could teach the Scots to walk upright.

Ron

Sorry if any of these are repeats. I just got these in an email.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big $hit he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Linda