I feel very bad for your friends NEVER ,NEVER,NEVER should you put your home up for collateral to obtain a way to fund a college education. I know people do this and why they do it just boggles my mind.
Every child has the opportunity to apply for STUDENT LOANS, and that is what they should be doing. Do not depened on mommy and daddy to pay for their college education.
You can go to a lesser priced State College and get a good education. That is so depressing to hear the parents are going to lose their home because of that.

Generally you think you have the same income as your friends, like the same things, do the same things and then they go under! That would shock me also.

"............and I suspect have done cash out refinancing to help their kids with college. Yikes!!"

Don't speculate on the "why" of how they got themselves into this mess. You don't know the facts. Maybe they were irresponsible. Maybe they have medical bills that you don't even know about. (Medical bills are one of the biggest reasons for bankruptcy BTW.) Your guess that he is working on commission may be correct, but you don't really know that, and you don't know if his lack of income from such a job is due to slow economy or his lack of ambition.

They obviously KNOW that everyone knows, since the forclosure was published in a public notice, and you mention that people are buzzing each other with the news and I'm sure they are aware of how gossip gets around. I wouldn't bring it up to them in conversation unless they bring it up first.

Exactly, I always heard it's better for young people to borrow for college than for seniors to risk losing their homes or retirement funds. .

I'm with dilly_dally on the subject of speculation how your "very good friends" may have been financially overcome.

As to you being a "very good friend". I guess your definition of friend and mine are very different.

I'm so thankful I don't have "Very good friends" who speculate about my finances, gossip about my job, malign my character, family choices and actions and disparage my financial acumen on a public forum or with other " good friends" in person.

When I had financial and health problems my "good friends" came to me to help. They didn't get together and buzz about how or why I had problems. They weren't gossiping about it to everyone. Good friends go to the friend in need and try to HELP! Very good friends offer support and defend their friends against the gossiping, tongue wagging keyboard pecking "friends".

LIL

I think it is natural to try to make sense of a situation that comes as a surprise. I don't see how guessing how this might have happened to an anonymous person on an anonymous board qualifies as a big sin.
It is actually an intersting topic of conversation, so please don't feel squelched.
As far as feeling helpless. Why not take your friend to lunch and see if she feels like talking about it. If she does not, fine, at least she may take comfort in your company. Many people will avoid her for lack of knowing what to do or say - try not to do that would be my advice.
I think that a lot of people who have been hanging on by their fingernails and cashed out 401Ks will be finding themselves in your friends' position very soon and many of us may be faced with wondering what to do or say.

gabby3000, I feel terrible for your friends, but their loss may have nothing to do with how well they handle their finances. There's a very nasty "business" of banks and mortgage companies playing with home owners trust in this country right now and it has absolutely nothing to do with how responsible home owners are financially. The details confuse me, but it's rampant in some states where the home owners refinance and are lead to believe their payments are a certain amount only to find out later when they get a foreclosure notice that they weren't paying the whole amount each month and it eventually comes to a point where they are in arrears.

I'm sorry your friends are in a mess. If you want to be a friend, how about inviting them and another couple to dinner. Do you 'owe' anyone? It would be your treat to both couples. Doesn't have to be at your home -- or The Ritz. Same thing would work with just a couple ladies for lunch.

I think I'd feel pretty *lonely* 'out there' knowing everyone is talking about me -- but nobody talking TO me.

I feel for your friendÂÂÂI just went through the same thing & it WASN"T because we were irresponsible or refinanced for the kids collage! Just because they are both working now doesnÂt mean they are still making the same income as before. They are probably just Âhanging on making the utility payments. Also, just because the bank is foreclosing, doesnÂt mean they still canÂt save the house. Maybe they are trying to refinance.

My husband & I were both laid off work at the same time. Our income dropped considerably as you can imagine (or maybe not if youÂve never had this happen to you) We werenÂt able to continue making our house payments after our saving & 401k ran out & got behind. When we did find employment, our income dropped to ¼ of what it was. We HAD to take less paying jobs as that is all there is out there. It wasnÂt easy loosing our homeÂ.I spent days crying & being extremely upset. We felt as worthless as they come. The banks arenÂt helping people refinance as they were suppose to with the government money. I fought for 2 ½ years with the bank; sending letter, phone calls, sending extra money & then be told they lost the paperwork & to start again! This happened many, many times. What a crock & a major run around. When I talked to the judge about what happened, he said he was hearing the same from other people in the same boat.

Try to be there for your "friend"Â.donÂt bring it up, she may find it embarrassing talk about it. Maybe she didnÂt share it with you because she knew it would/was being talked about. It hurts to find your self in this position. (I hid for months, not talking to my friend) If she is really a good friend, offer to help her pack & find a new place. It will be a whole new chapter in their lifeÂ..it may turn out to be a good thing ï We now live in a very nice duplex, without the worries of the upkeep. Our nerves are starting to settle down, my husband & IÂve stopped arguing about stupid, little stuffÂ..foreclosure is VERY hard on a marriage. It does make you take a look at your life & makes you realize what is really importantÂ..family & friends that love me for me, not my house & income.

Best of luck to your friends,
Ginger

Gibby, above all be a friend. Make sure they know that you are there for them, call and invite them over for a dinner or a cookout. Nothing fancy, just extend a hand of friendship because right now they need to know that they still have friends. Too often we equate who we are with what we have, they need to know that your caring is about them not about their facade.

Geez lilj, it's not like she put their name and address out there. She was just making a general observation about an anonymous person. Do you feel better now?

I agree with Lynn, it's a tough world out there right now.

I can't add anything except encourage you to be a friend. "A friend in need is a friend indeed" is a very true saying. It might be uncomfortable for you to broach the subject or discuss the subject once it's brought up by your friend. It would 'feel' the same as it would if your friends were separating or (heaven forbid) one of them were to become terminally ill.
The words you offer don't have to be profuse, just heartfelt.

Prayers for your Friend. It's not easy to be in that "place". Been there.

Be a friend and I think you learned not to post your speculations on this forum
hugs

I appreciate hearing your perspectives. This just isn't something I would discuss with other friends who also know these people but good to hear from someone. It's such a difficult thing that I am not going to bring it up until they do. In the meantime we will be especially supportive and "available" in case they do decide to talk about it. Hopefully they will be able to work it out. It just brings the whole foreclosure thing so much closer to home. It could probably happen to a lot of people much more easily than I realize and such a difficult thing I cannot begin to imagine.

Hmmm, with a "very good friend" like you who would need an enemy? I thank God each and every day for the REAL very good friends He put in our way when we went through forclosure and lost everything. Sounds as though you just wanted to share the news.

QUOTED * Posted by magic_az (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 3, 10 at 12:48

Geez lilj, it's not like she put their name and address out there. She was just making a general observation about an anonymous person. Do you feel better now? END QUOTE

Not really, and since you asked, if you are concerned about me feeling better read this. I have learned if a person is willing to gossip to you about others known and unknown, that same person is willing to gossip about you to others known and unknown. Speculations and conjectures about how or why another person is having troubles and spoken to anyone else are often repeated as fact. It is called rumor-mongering.
Anyone who starts out with "oh my poor friends they have these troubles and I'm so shocked blahblahblah' then in the next paragraph states "I'm not surprised they have these troubles because they did this and that and I think have only this and that" is just itching to spread the gossip anywhere, anyway and to whom ever will lend an ear to the juicy gossip. Once again that is not someone I would consider (as she self proclaimed) a "very close friend".
A close friend would say/post something similar to I am shocked about this situation and want to help my friends I just don't know what to do. Can someone here offer a suggestion?
A very close friend seeing their friend in a hole would not stand at the top and pizzle down on them by gossiping and rumor-mongering even to strangers on an anonymous forum.
Thank-you for your opinion and concern. I hope you have very close friends who would help in the time of need.

LIL

PS.

As for anonymity of the people in financial duress. There is a theory 6 degrees of separation which more an more people are finding the plausibility of this theorem to be quite accurate. You never know when, why or where you'll find the common links to follow to what and who.

Wow, lilj and bluesy, time for happy pills, perhaps. The punishment you've dished out certainly doesn't seem to fit the "crime". Nasty, nasty.

As far a proclaiming the misfortune from the mountaintops and speculating, I don't think gibby has done that at all. Sounds to me as though it was just stream of consciousness and thinking out loud. Yes, that can sometimes cause problems, but lighten up. There are far nicer ways to point out something to someone who, in my opinion, didn't at all mean what she typed in the tone that you apparently read it.

Gibby, I think you know perfectly well what being a friend means and I've no doubt that you'll be there for your friends.

She wasn't gossiping, she was sharing her feelings about a friends siuation. Period. She didn't mention names or places or post their picture. In this current economy this could be half the people in this country.
She wasn't happy about it and she wasn't condeming them, she was just sharing her thoughts. It is shocking when you realize that some things are not what they seem especially when it is family or close friends.

You are trying to make this post into something it is not and just for an excuse to put somebody down.
Careful, you just might show your true Colored. Oops, I meant colors. My bad.

A lot of people here in CA are allowing their homes to go to foreclosure as a strategy to get out of a house that is worth less than they're paying for. We have 5, count 'em! 5 friends who've done this. It's absolute chaos here and a lot of people feel that the banks deserve it.

Blessings,
Haley

Wow Lilj, bit of a tongue wagger yourself ay? Forked I mean.

Can you say with all honesty that your "friends" don't discuss you? How naive.

Gibby, sorry about your friends. I'd just privately let them know you noticed there house in the paper and that your there for moral support if they want/need it. If they aren't intentionally walking away (like so many of my fellow Californians are) it is probably very sad/embarrassing for them. The last thing they need is to feel judged. It's happening ALL over. Sadly that's life these days.

Gibby, I'm sorry for your friends. This has happened to so many people lately. I see nothing wrong with you posting about it. This used to be a good place to talk over things going on in our lives, both good and bad.

Liljunkr's good friend, Coloredthumb, died a while back so I guess she's forgotten what it's like to have a friend to be concerned enough about to have it weigh on your mind so much that you want someone anonymous to talk about it to.

So sorry to hear about your friends. These are very difficult times right now. It's easy to be a friend when all is well. Your friend needs you more now than ever. You must let her know that it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's happening to a lot of people. Good luck.

I'm sorry for your friends, Gibby. I'm sure you're a great friend to them and your concern shines thru.

When we were little kids and my parents didn't like whatever it was we were talking about, they would suggest we changed the subject. We loved that, we had 3 favorites- army, ghost towns and dead woodpeckers with their eyes pecked out (we had found one of those in the field by our house.)

I think we should change the subject. How about...... reincarnation?

;)

To me the original post sounded a bit too much schadenfreude.

dilly_dally

After re-reading the OP (to see if I really misjudged) I agree with you again. Especially after the comments about the 2nd couple and their property ownership, tastes and financial status.
I do not play nicey nicey just for the sake of being nice.
Does anyone remember the person on a TV (I think) show who's final comment was "I calls em as I sees em."?

LIL

There are some people who only look for the bad in every situation or post and if you look hard enough you will eventually find it whether it's actually there or not.

"I do not play nicey nicey just for the sake of being nice".

I think it's just the opposite for a couple of posters here. I don't think you two will ever have to worry about being accused of that.

I think Gibby was just "talkig out loud" like any of us would do. She's in a situation she's never been in before.

OTOH, Gibby, if you all are really "close" as you say, I think you'd know of it by now instead of hearing it from a 3rd party who was doing nothing but gossiping.

If you want to be a good friend, the worst thing you can do is keep silent. Call your friend and comfort her. Not acknowledging it would only make your friend feel worse. It's pretty clear she feels ashamed by not telling anyone.

And whatever you do, don't tell her you heard it from someone else. A "white lie" is in order here, tell her you saw it in the paper.

Oh, I have to respectfully disagree a little with that one bit, Oakleyok, about if you were close, you would have known.... my husband just found out that his closest friends in the world are in financial distress due to the economy and real estate markets. Property rich, cash poor. It has apparently been going of for quite some time as some foreclosures are in the offing and he talks to them twice a week and sees them 3-4 times a year. Some people are just very close-mouthed about their personal business and don't discuss it with their friends. We only found out when it was published in the paper and on the door of one of the properties. Action is now being taken to save all this, by all parties, but if we hadn't found out, I suspect they would have lost some of it.

Like Gibby, I was shocked and dismayed. When you think some people "have it all" and are sitting pretty and then you find out that they aren't, you get a real sense of vulnerability and "holy cow, if it can happen to THEM, it can happen to anybody!"

Dilly dally - you're kidding, right? You really think that gibby is happy that her friends are in foreclosure? How in the world did you get that from her post. Absolutely unbelievable. Sounds to me like you read what you wanted to into it.

And I, too, think that, rather than being nicey-nice just for the sake of being nice, there are a few on here who are habitually meany-mean for the sake of being mean.

Heck - I posted a question about candy, saying that I want to give the regular sized bars at Halloween and not the little snack ones. I'll bet some of you would read into that and allege that I want to do so so that the kids get stomach aches and cavities. Yup - infer what you will.

Sheesh.

Suzieque

24 hours later....Really? How's that Dead Horse?

Come on, we came we answered her question and that's all she asked for.

If shock were replaced by compassion, the shame would be reduced for this friend and maybe the friend would be able to share more with the OP.

There is no confidentiality online. I've learned that the hard way.

You know, I always have liked the Kitchen Table because almost everyone here is so nice. So many other boards I have seen have people who like anonimity and attack with nasty comments. Let's be fair to the OP. She was sharing her concerns for her friends. I could hear her dismay. Let's not be so nasty to each other and twist words.

I've been through foreclosure and it is a hard, hard experience. The public humiliation is part of it, as is the private humiliation that one endures when aggressive lenders insist on making you feel like trash.

FYI, more than 50% of all bankruptcies are caused by overwhelming medical expenses (and a large percentage of those people are insured).

Judge not.

Rose

hgl_gaylemarie, you keep posting about wanting this thread to end (although, interestingly, most of those posts have disappeared), yet you also keep opening and reading it. When there I threads I don't care about I don't open, don't read, and certainly don't chastise people for continuing. Perhaps we wouldn't annoy you so much if you just SOB this thread.

Gibby, please let us know how it goes with your friends and you. In this economy most of us are vulnerable to this kind of tragedy. And I'd dare say that most of us could curb our spending - I know I could. There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Suzieque

My apologies. Most of your "are we there yet" comments, gaylemarie, are in the thread about Hillary's dress. Seems you don't like that thread continuing, either. Easy to resolve.

There are many reasons people have to do the foreclosure thing. Over spending, health issues, the loss of a job and others. No matter what the reason it is a difficult time for anyone. We have a house next door to us that has been empty for almost 3 years now. Sadly this one was due to overspending and the guy not wanting to keep a job. They have 2 kids that have everything under the sun. I bet they have 500 plus movies. They had 4 horses and expensive saddles but I never saw them ride one time. In the winter time they would let their big SUV run to warm it up for 30 minutes just to take the kids 3 miles down the road to school each morning. The bus drove right by our houses. They put in a big pool with a huge deck.. The saddest thing is she inherited the home. There were 3 kids and she bought out the other 2. Ended up only paying $60,000 for a nice house, 5 acres, 2 barns and when they lost it they owed $155,00. They only lived there 4 years... This is when it is stupid...

My heart breaks for the ones that truely do loose their home due to thing like health issues and such.

Gibby, just continue being a friend and help her when help is needed.. Maybe she would love to talk to you or maybe just have you there for support.. Whatever, just let her know you are there...

Ladies, this is a wonderful place to come for friendship, ideas, sharing and such. We help others through tough times. Lets not bash one another like they do in others (like Hot Topics). We do have a few that come on strong with their opinions at times. That being said we certaintly are intitled to our own opinions but make it just that.. I enjoy coming here every day to see what everyone is doing.. I feel like I know so many of you personally.. Friendships are so precious..

Susie