Here's the scoop..... Wednesday my brother, step-father and Mom had a meeting with the doctor. Her kidneys are only working partially; they will pass the liquid but not clean any toxins. They want to do dialysis within 2-3 days and need to know if she wants it or not. She's been in the CCT for 2 weeks and they are hoping the kidneys start working fully but the haven't at all, so odds are high they won't.
Without it, the toxins will build up in her body, she'll go unconscious and possibly in a coma.
She'll never come out of the hospital, and if by some chance she does, her life will never be the same, remotely as it was.
With it, there are complications, plus it's another life-support. It won't make her better, just keep her alive, as is the trach.
She's of completely sound of mind. She can't talk because of the trach and ventilation tube down her throat and into her lungs.
So we are to discuss how she's basically going to die, really. Does she tell them that she doesn't want to "live" like this? They will give her morphine, and another drug, then slowly reduce the oxygen and she goes to sleep.
She asked all of us what we thought she should do.
She's on a trach because her diaphragm is too weak to pump.
So, a lot of tears and gut-wrenching, heart-breaking decisions. She laid deep in thought, eyes to the ceiling. She can't speak because of the trach but mouths the words she wants to say.
How can someone with all their faculties make the decision to end it? That just breaks my heart thinking of her making it.
She doesn't want to do dialysis though, as it won't change anything.
Wednesday, I cried all nite, didn't sleep, any little sleep I did get I'd wake up and start crying again.
Thursday I cried in the shower, called the hospital, and she's the same, no different. Wally was there. I couldn't stay home, so I went on Thursday to be with her. I want to spend as much time as possible with her.
We talked, I cried, and told her she is my very best friend and that I love her. She said she knows, and that it will be all right.
The decision was made, she said why prolong it? No definite time though. The doctors haven't come in to see what her decision is.
My step-brother and his wife were there as well. They love mom to pieces and it's hurting them as well to have to think of her not being there.
She asked Wally if he were going to sell the house....so many things were talked about.
FRIDAY, July 1st holiday. Hubby and I were there mid-morning The same doctor came in, and said that her kidneys have started to work. NO dialysis is required. I asked her if that means she can just live day to day and see how things go without having to make any major decisions, and she said yes.
She also said she is getting stronger and they're going to try weaning her off the ventilator.
Around dinnertime the respiratory specialist came in and announced they were going to unhook the machine. Mom's eyes widened and she got scared. I asked her how they know enough to do that. She showed me the numbers on the monitor and she explained that the "8" means that the machine is working at 8% and Mom is doing the rest.
She said she'll leave it off for 1/2 hour and if there's any sign of distress of course they'll put it right back on. They did put a little oxygen mask over the hole, but she is doing the breathing, nothing mechanical at all.
So Mom rested, we watched tv, and talked. I made sure that everything was normal so as not to get her panicked thinking that she couldn't breathe. The lady came back in, her vitals were all still strong and she said let's go another 1/2 hour.
We left, and DH was out of town with his band playing, so I didn't go in to see her. I called a few times, and she was breathing on her own all day.
TODAY: We just got back. She's breathing on her own, and talking with her voice. Weak but talking. The nurse put her in a wheelchair and wheeled her outside for 10 minutes or so. It was the first time she's breathed or felt fresh air in 7 months.
She can't drink liquids, just swab her mouth with water and ginger ale. Knowing that, she asked the nurse if she could have some ice cream. So innocently. I told her she knows she can't and the nurse said she couldn't but Mom shrugged and said "Just thought I'd ask." and grinned.
Her spirit is good, mine is great, but then again, we don't want to get our hopes up too high.
Talk about a roller-coaster of emotions. I honestly don't know if I can go through it all again, if and when she takes another severe down-turn. On one hand, this is a miracle, yet another one that she has had in this horrible uphill battle.
Yet again, we had all resigned ourselves that she won't be in our lives. I was a wreck.
I'd come on here as a semblance of normalcy to get my mind off of Mom and the decision that had to be made. You are my support group. Because I was here a few times, please don't think that I think any less of Mom or what she was going through. It still breaks my heart to think of the decisions that we all had to ask ourselves and face making.
And we'll have to make them again, I would think. You know, as tough as it is, as sudden as it is, as unfair as it is, I think it's almost easier to have someone suddenly get taken away, instead of months, and recently days of horrid emotions, and now it's on the upswing again. Only to come crashing down perhaps.
Thanks for listening. You are my friends and my comfort, and support, and unfortunately, my sounding-board.
Sherry, you have been at the forefront of my thoughts and prayers. Your answer here is such a relief, and I can imagine what you are feeling, the roller coaster of emotions. I don't know which is easier, though I know which is easier for the patient. My mom went with no warning at all, she went to the doctor for a check up on Tuesday then didn't feel well on Wednesday night, spent the day in bed Thursday and my stepdad called an ambulance on Friday. She died on the way to the hospital.
It was easier for her but I was in shock. Today I still reach for the phone to call her or try to buy something because I know how much she would love it......we are always our mother's daughter and they live on in our hearts forever. I'm glad you don't have to face that yet, that you have your mom to hug and to love, and that you are hearing her sweet voice again.
You have literally been through hell the past few days. You know how sorry I feel about the whole situation and wish with all my heart that your mother can be whole and well again. I swear, with her grit, I have no doubt she will accomplish that!
Come here often. It'll take your mind off things you have no control over and we may even make you smile once in a while. I sure hope so.
Sherry, please know that coming here to verbalize what is going on with your Mom, is totally okay. We'll never think badly of you for it. It it s sometimes necessary in order to keep your sanity. Sometimes you just need to talk about what's going on, to make sense of it.
Again, if there is anything I can do for you, please call or email me. I can meet you in London or Kitchener for lunch, just to talk, if you want. Or phone me! You have my number.
I never did like riding the Roller coaster, but you and your family have had no choice, but to ride one, hanging on tightly with a mixture of hope and despair. I said it before but I'll say it again.....your Mom is truly a wonder woman. I so admire her strength and sense of humor. Sherry, I hope you can feel the "arms of all your friends here, at the Table, around you. sending hopes and Prayers that she can regain more strength so there is more time for you all to be together. Love, in Friendship, Dottie
You and your mother are in my prayers. This is a very difficult time for all, but be thankful for every minute you get to keep her--as long as she isn't suffering. We are here for you anytime, and I hope it helps to know that friends care and are sending up lots of prayers for Mom. Hugs!
WOW! I have no idea how you, your Mom and all your family do it. I guess it's a matter of doing what you have to do. I just read the up dates and I'm totally drained. It would never occur to me that you didn't care just because you post here. It's a wonderful outlet and keeps some semblance of normality for you. I think a great deal of your Mom has rubbed off on you, and that's such a good thing. I hope and pray that this is the miracle we've all been praying for.
Oh, my, Sherry. I'm so sorry your emotions are being thoroughly tested lately; your reports are amazing. I'm soooo happy to hear your mom's kidneys started functioning and hope like mad they continue to do so, and even improve. I find the unknown in life, especially when there is so much love involved, to be the most difficult aspect of my life. In your place I think I would be dissolving into tears most every day and dread, dread the day my mom passes. You are an inspiration, Sherry. Through it all you have kept your chin up and taken life as it is presented, through bad news and good. I guess all you can do is take each day as it comes, which you certainly do!
Your loving Mom is truly a fighter extraordinaire. My heart and prayers to all of you. Your emotions must be rubbed raw by now and now is the time when you really need to take care of yourself as well. I bet your Mom really enjoyed her few minutes of fresh air. How wonderful that the nurse was able to do this for her.....something so simple can mean so much.
What good news! A gift of *time*! Just live it, day by day as it comes. I'm so glad to hear your mother is off the ventilator and can speak again. Keep posting about the *rest* of your life too; you are right not to be one-track with the health concerns and fears!
Jasdip
Jasdip
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