Have you checked in the local paper to see if there are any parent groups you can join. Perhaps within a church or your pediatrician? Any mommy and baby exercise groups? Play groups at a park? Just throwing out suggestions as to where parents and kids may hang out. It does take a while to be let in to a small community. We Mainers are probably the worst of the bunch at doing that. Take care, NancyLouise

How old is Brody? - NancyLouise is right about hanging out where other parents are. Activities involving children is a great place to start. Does the library have a story hour for youngsters? A book discussion group for adults? Walking around the neighborhood with Brody is a way to get to know your neighbors. I guess your town might be too small for a Newcomers Group. Do you play any sports? Is there a tennis group or golf league that you could join? Does your town or area have a recreation department that offers classes or sports leagues for adults or children?

How about a co-op babysitting group? One of the churches in our area had a babysitting co-op and I met quite a few Moms there.

It's a regional thing. Midwesterners are very friendly. I hope you find a mom's group to get involved in. Through my church, I am developing a larger group of friends. The more activities I get involved with, the more people I meet.

I'm really surprised, because you are not far from me--and this area is very friendly. I agree about hanging out where parents are...and let them know you are a teacher. Moms love teachers!

I hope things get better soon.

I can feel your pain. We lie in a town of less than 600 and most of the younger people in our town already have their own groups of friends. As a result I have made friends with the older generation, many of whom have kids or grandkids my age. They enjoy my kids and they also are a treasure trove of information and help. My suggestion would be to start small and get to meet your neighbors and go on from there. Take the kids for a walk in the stroller around town, and say Hello to all you meet. My best friend in town is in her 70's and I am 33 and my 3 kids are the ages of her great grandkids but not a day goes by that we don't talk to each other and watch out for each other and share plants and garden stuff.

Wishing you luck,

Stacie
girlsingardens

That was really rude of those women, what are they in high school still?! I hope you're able to meet some not-so-snobby women, maybe someone who is not from that area will come along in your neighborhood.

I had to deal with that when we lived back where the ex was from, everyone seemed related to each other and if you weren't born and raised there you might as well forget making friends. Thank goodness I finally got my brother's old computer when he bought another one and could communicate with my old friends nearly every day.

When we moved here, I ended up being a SAHM and found the best way to meet people was a baby mommy group, then later a co-op preschool. I still didn't have any real close friends. It would be nice if you could find someone in your age group with a child the same age as yours but it doesn't always work out that way. It never did for me and DS is now 24.

I ended up making more friends when I took some classes at the local community college in subjects I always wanted to learn like photography. You are already starting out with people who share a common interest. I found friends with those either a lot younger or a lot older then me. My friend for the last 10 years is 20 years older then me! Keep an open mind.
Clare

Having lived in Virginia for most of my life, I'm sorry to hear that. But I know there are some areas that are like that. When we moved to the Valley the only place we could find to rent turned out to be one of those. We had sold our house in Bristol, and the homes here were so expensive we could not buy.

We were lucky to be able to soon move just a few miles away to an area that was perfect for us. We joined the church that was our denomination, and we had instant friends! Our neighbors were the best and soon our kids and all the kids "on the hill" were best friends. That was many years ago, and I still have some of those friends.

Moving is not an option for you at this time, but I would suggest you find out if that group at the library meets at the same time, and continue to go and meet with them. Be friendly and participate in the conversation a little more each time. Often it just takes a while for people to warm up to a newcomer.

Good luck, and just know its not you, its them.

Sue

Reading this just burns me up. I agree with kathsgrdn-- such rude, childish behavior! Though I've always lived in large suburban areas, I can't fathom why anyone would be unfriendly to a newcomer. I always try and include anyone who seems lonely or newish if I'm in a group setting. It's not difficult! Good luck. I guess the easiest way to meet new friends is to join a group and hope they're a lot nicer than those you've already run into.

I'm in a small community where everyone knows everyone. Half are "related by marriage" and then there is also the bond of Germans. Then there is the biggest Church which is Catholic. If you aren't a part of those groups your kind of a "castoff". LOL! If your Catholic, German and related -your the Mayor. LOL!

You have to watch what you say in a small community. Your reputation precedes your introduction. Don't say anything negative about the town. Everyone knows who you are before you know them.

Garden Clubs, Gyms, Churches, Support Groups, Newcomers Groups, Book Clubs, Hospital Volunteer, Sororities: Just to name a few.

Go to every town function you can go to. My Community has Volunteer Firemen's Fish Fries and BBQ's. Support your community.

Get to know your Grocery Checkers and Wal-Mart Checkers and Store Owners for a start.

Hang in there!

Gayle

Not saying your are doing this, just tacking on to Gayle's advice. The very best advice we received when we moved to our small town was to not talk about anyone. In some way everyone was related. The more I get to know the locals, the more I see how accurate that statement is.

We moved here from another small, cliquey town. I tried to talk to moms at the playground when I took my little boy there and people looked at me like I was an alien. When he was finally old enough, we joined a co-op preschool. I made great friends there and learned an awful lot about parenting at the same time.

I wasn't really the play-group kind of mom, but if you are that is a really good idea. Also if you are a teacher and can somehow squeeze that info in, I agree, moms love teachers. I admit I am surprised you were treated that way, especially when you have a baby. What mom doesn't love to talk to another mom about her baby?

Hang in there, it will get better.

Your post made me sad. It was very rude--not sure you'd want them for friends, anyway.

I am sorry! That is no fun. It is like that here. People are nice enough but when it comes to meeting with moms groups, gosh, so cliquee!!! Not a good thing. God forbid if you are a working mother also. You are a cruddy mom if you work. It is not worth the fight to have people give us the time of day. I would much rather just go to the park with Carlie and spend the day together.

I think that some of the moms groups are just that way no matter where you live.

Here is a link that might be useful: Our family journey with autism

Everyone has already said it all but I just wanted to lend my support. Those b@&%#$!! How dare they be that freaking rude! I think you'll find those types everywhere. You need to find the nice ladies like you who probably usually stay at home because they are sick of being treated like that. It may take some effort, but you'll find them. (((Bearcat))) Just keep being yourself and friendly.

Danielle

I know what your saying. I took me a long time to find friends in this town and I finally found a few close friends and a boatload of people that seem to have the attitude of I can take ya, but I'd rather leave ya. Well, I have discovered the grass ain't always greener on their side and karma did good by me in the long run. I would rather have a few close friends then a bundle of short term buds that act like the women you described. I hope that maybe someone in that group has taken note of your presence and when alone will start a conversation. Could be so many people don't trust each other, they don't want to give you the easy road into their group. Kinda sad that a bunch of women at the library can't show more kindness to you and Brody. Keep trying-- the more your around the more they will know you.
I like the idea of joining groups for your own benefit and then seeing what happens as far as meeting more moms for Brody's sake. Volunteer and join clubs. Have gals over for brunch or coffee.
Good luck!

I still don't understand; why would grown women act this way toward someone (with a cute baby and toddler, no less!) whom they don't even know?

It is the same here. At the old school, we didn't live in the same neighbourhood, and they all seemed to know each other that way. At the new school, all these moms have kids in the same dance classes or on the same sports teams so know each other THAT way.

At school events I try to talk to others and make friends, and there are polite responses, but they slowly migrate away. I always wonder what I am doing wrong.

(((hugs))). Come sit by me and DD.

I hope you find some great friends really soon, Bearcat. Women like THAT- you don't need. Someone is going to be really lucky when they meet you and you befriend each other, REALLY LUCKY! Just remember that, OK?

Keep trying. I have relocated 3 times as a mom, and I know it's tough to get out there and meet people. Sometimes even friendly people have a bad day, so don't take it personally. Knowing what it feels like, I try to reach out to people, be friendly, you never know who needs a friend. But I know I have bad days, too, when I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Don't give up, just keep being open, it takes time and patience.

What will you do with Brody when school starts, and when is that for you? Maybe you'll meet other moms/babies through whatever his child care situation will be.

You could always run an ad in your small paper..."New to the area Mommy would like to start a Mommies and Me playgroup"..if interested phone ???-????...My GF did that...its how we met and we were friends until her death in 2004...Her kids and mine grew up together and I met 4 or 5 other women who I hung around with...they've all moved on but we still correspond by phone and email...it was great when they were preschool age...and we were ALL new to the area!

I'm sorry they treated you like this...you've been given lots of great advice...now get on out there and show off that beautiful little Brody!!

bearcat...you are a very beautiful lady...maybe they are intimidated by you...

But that is no excuse to be rude.

I find the groups even in church are cliquish.

Are there any of the mommy/baby groups around there?

I don't know what they are called..but seems I've heard of them before.

patti

Dances, I could have very well written your post!

It's the very same way here in my town! So here I am, my kids are raised and out on their own, and still no one to call and have coffee with...................

But by way of my computer have made very many friends!

Those moms were very rude. You wouldn't want to be around them, anyways. I hope you can somehow find a support group with nicer people. We lived in a very small town for 2 years, when I had a 2 year old and was pregnant. I happened to find out about a small playgroup and it was the best thing! There were maybe 5 or 6 of us and we'd alternate homes. When we moved to Portland, OR, I met a very sweet woman at our new church that told me about a mom's group. These women were so loving. I hope you can somehow find that, too. In the meantime, don't give those women a second thought. It's their loss, not yours.

Sheryl

Hi Bearcat,
Try craigslist. You will find "Groups" under "Communities" there. I just looked to see what was offered in my area, and there were some possibilities I would consider if I had a little one at home. If there isn't anything appealing to you in local craigslist ads, you could check the link below, which appears to be a national group. I found it on craigslist also.

Sorry you ran into some ninnies! They probably did you a favor by being themselves. You won't be wasting your time on them. Please let us know how it goes!

Here is a link that might be useful: the mommies network

I went through the same thing when my hubby was stationed in Bangor, Maine. New englander's won't accept you if you are not one of them. They did like it however when Air Force pay day rolled around. vique.

That's a sad commentary. Those women must have known you were new to the group. Keep going and give them another chance.
I agree, it's them, not you, who have a problem. I know that doesn't help when you want to make friends.
I would ask, someone with a child the age of yours,what is available around your area. Keep asking. Something will be available that you'll feel better about.
No one likes snobbish people.

I hope that it is somewhat comforting to see that it is not YOU... we have all been through it. It is just pettiness!

I'm thinking I might occasionally be cool in public, especially if I'm approached by someone I've never met who seems to be wanting to make a connection. One thing I'm realizing, as I get older, is that I have a harder time making friends because I'm pickier. I don't want to discover that I've linked myself w/ someone whose standards or values are different from mine in a way I'm not comfortable with.

(In the Victorian days, you didn't speak to someone you weren't "introduced" to; you had a mutual contact--a "reference," if you will--who would vouch for the reasonableness or sanity or morality of your new acquaintance; and likewise, one did not offer to introduce someone that one wouldn't vouch for--you took the importance of that "reference" seriously, on all sides)

And when my friendships will inevitably end up involving my kids, I'm even pickier than that.

I have no idea what the parenting tactics are of the woman at the library checkout--is she a yeller? (I'll confess, I am, sort of; maybe you wouldn't want *me* for a mom friend, LOL) Is she an over-explainer? Is she going to scold me bcs I'm not breastfeeding anymore, or is she going to be a little snide toward me bcs my kid's in daycare? Is their kid a bully, a whiner? (of course, you have babies, so they don't know yet)

I want an opportunity to know more about her before I get all chummy.

I also read somewhere about how kids make friends; the researchers were stunned to discover that the WORST way for a kid to make a friend on the playground was to walk up and introduce themselves. The BEST way was for the kid to observe the activity for a little while, and then to sort of "slide" into it, in small doses, as though they'd been involved in it from the beginning.

I've seen that work well on Internet chat forums, too.

You need to find a way you can be on the fringes of the group, and then slip into relationships that appeal to you (and to the other people).

So, if you can't *find* a group to be part of (like, "read to baby" groups at the library, or something), maybe you can *start* one. And focus on the group first, and the friendships later.

See if someone at the library, or at a community center, or at your church, or even your pediatrician's office, will help you by providing a place, and maybe even a publicity venue.

Likewise, look for groups that are NOT baby- or kid-centric. Surely there is more in your heart, your head, your life, than your child. Seek those sorts of things out, too.

Talley Sue's advice is spot on!!! I've also found that the older children get, the more conversational moms are. I don't know if it's that they can focus more now that their little ones are more self sufficient, or if hormones have worn off a little, LOL!

I also find that if I get to talking to a mom in Barnes & Noble at the train table that I'd like to get to know more, I say, "You know, I'm going to be here next Thursday at this time, it'd be great to see you again." I know B&N's not something you'd do with an infant, but there are other venues that work. :) I've even struck up conversations in the infant clothing section.

I also used to have a hard time with asking people over. I'd have this great conversation with someone and then it'd end, I'd walk away and then realize I should have asked that person over! :)

It does get easier! It really, really does! HUGS!!!!

Blessings,
Haley

Get yourself (or your child) a calling card, so you can hand it out quickly.

Buy an Avery packet for making your own business cards, and print out your name, your child's name, and your phone number on a sheet's worth of them.

"This was fun! Give me a call if you'd like to meet at Starbucks for a cup some day. Thursday morning is when i try to pry myself out of the house, but I could meet you there, or at the playground, any time."

(by handing out your contact info, you let them choose to continue the contact; if they're like me, that'll make them feel safer. Of course, I live in NYC, so maybe I'm more cautious than most, but I think the risks I focus on would exist even in Mount Ayr, Iowa--it's just that in Mt. Ayr, I'd already KNOW which mom was going to swear at her kids.)

And yes, some sort of regular routine, even if you artificially establish it, like that train table on Thursday mornings, would probably help you a lot. If you always go to the library children's hour, even w/ your littler one, you'll probably have better luck getting to know the other moms who come regularly. (their kids might be older, but they might be better sources of advice)

(and that routine "appointment" would probably be good for you, too)

I thought about that calling card concept a few times myself, but never followed through. I would want other moms to carry them, too, with a few words about themselves.

Like besides the contact info, I'd print on mine that my house has no weapons, no tobacco, no alcohol, and no porn. LOL. When your child plays at someone else's house, you want to know those sorts of things. And it lets people know if we have at least some of the same values.

I belonged to a moms group for years with my kids, until the youngest started school now I'm all PTA and sports. When we moved, I found a chapter in our new town. I was the president of each of them at some point. In that situation we always had new people so I went out of my way to be friendly and set that tone in our group. Newcomers were always welcomed properly, no cliques on my watch!

But after a while, I just know I can only reach out to so many people before I lose focus on my own life/family.

Go other places moms w/kids frequent. Playgrounds, fast food places w/playlands. Keep trying. It will get easier when Brody gets a little older, when the kids interact w/each other the moms follow.

This is the one I belonged to for years. It's a national organization, but it supports stay at home moms. In the chapters I was in, there were often moms who worked part-time, from home, or were teachers and just came to activities during school breaks. But I don't know how other chapters are, like all groups of women some are nicer than others. This site will let you know more and find out if there is a chapter near you. It would be a great way to meet other moms, and they are practiced in welcoming new people.

Here is a link that might be useful: moms club

Bearcat, that happened to me when I moved here. It seemed as if everyone one was full up on friends and not taking anymore~~I joined everything with my kids I could and talked and invited and I am sorry to say it never changed much even in my neighborhood. I wish you luck and fun:)

This makes me sad... It seems that you find this alot.. unfortunately. I agree with girlsinagarden, maybe there is a neighbor? I work in a hospital but the volunteer that comes in our office every Monday is 30 years older than me but I tell you, we have alot of fun in the 4 hours she is there and I look forward to Mondays! Look beyond the women in your age group... I'm sorry this is happening to you...

I can attest that Joanna is really nice-I've actually talked to her on the phone! lol Aww, I'm sorry that happened to you! Now I really wished you lived closer so we could hang out!

I'm much more shy and wouldn't have talked to a stranger, but if one talked to me-I'd surely talk back to them, esp seeing we both had babies about the same age. I do find that's one thing you can always chat about.

When Olivia was little, I took classes at the local rec center and met a bunch of mommies. We also joined Mommy & Me at church. It was a great way just to talk with other adults and see that you share a lot of the same problems/ concerns with your kids. Helps you feel not so alone! Plus the older moms usually have good advice. I've developed a few good friends that way, and the moms occasionally do nights out sans babies! A few were standoffish, like the ones you encountered, but most were nice.

Something that might be up your alley is See Mommy Run. A local lady started this group of moms who want to exercise with their little ones (either running or walking with strollers) at a local park/trail etc. I walked at Burke Lake for a while until it got too cold, but hopefully there would be a group near you-or you could start your own? Even just talking Brody for a walk, you may meet some neighbors or mommies.
Good Luck!
Teresa

Here is a link that might be useful: See Mommy Run

TTT