If it's a Catholic type Mass in a church... I think anyone can attend.

Now, if it a wedding at a place where they have to set up a certain number of chairs, etc... then, it may be considered crashing... But, I think a church is fair and public game for everyone. I think it would be nice if they would attend.

Would it be possible to ask the groom's mother? I can certainly understand both sides to this, and both only want a good outcome, it sounds as if nothing mean or awkward is intended. I would not think it is inappropriate to ask to attend and acknowledge him and his new bride.
BUT I would want to know I was welcome and it is not intended to be a small private ceremony. (as opposed to just a budget constraint)

I think they should ask the groom or his mother. Even at a church, I personally wouldn't just show up unless I got the okay from somebody.

When my second husband and I got married, we had just the immediate family invited. Only about a dozen people. It was held outdoors, on the back lawn of the person officiating. There was no seating, and it didn't matter how many people were there.

Dear friends of my husband's came to see us get married. We were thrilled to see them. They just had to see us get married.
They weren't invited, because the old "how do you invite some and not others" so we just kept it to immediate family.
Anyway, our friends were comfortable, and our families welcomed them.

But I would still ask the groom's family if it would be okay. I'm sure they could just sneak in the church and sit at the back, kind of thing.

We actually WERE 'wedding crashers' once! The brides grandmother had told me the date of the wedding - and where it would be. We had watched the Bride and her sibblings grow up and I told her (grandma) not to be surprised if my DH and I show up and sit in the back of the church, just to see all the kids on this special day.....and we would quickly disappear after mass. Grandma seemed pleased and even commented "you won't believe how beautifully they've all matured".

As the wedding day drew near, we made our plans to arrive secretly by a side door, and sneak in. (An hour and half drive from our home) We 'assumed' the entire bridal party would be safely tucked within their respective 'getting ready' rooms. We pulled into the parking lot and were tip-toeing toward a side entrance when we heard "LOOK WHO'S HERE!!!' Big smiles, kisses and hugs all around. Okay - now we've been 'found out' so we take a seat among the other guests but towards the back.

Before the procession began, grandma comes from the back with MOB and more kisses and hugs and makes us promise to join them for the reception. We heartily refuse!!! Telling her we have plans to go to dinner ourselves. Right then and there, the MOB was about to have a hissy fit and tears began - - - to which I said "alright, okay - we'll go to the club and have ONE drink - that's it!!"

The end result was, they had hussled ahead once they arrived at the club and put two more place settings out - and we would have been ashamed to leave (once they went to all that trouble) and we had a delightful seat with the florist, the wedding planner, some of the youngest grandchildrens friends - it was delightful!

To this day - whenever we see any member of this family, we are greeted with warm hugs and big smiles - and will be always remembered and introduced as "The Wedding Crashers". Grandpa even brags about it to his friends and anyone who will listen.

Long story .... longer.....talk it over with someone connected to the wedding party before hand and if it meets with approval, go ahead. In fact, when we were planning our daughters wedding, the florist suggest several weddings and dates for me to 'drop in at' to see the variety of flower ideas he could arrange. I dressed appropriately and left after the wedding procession down the aisle.

What Carla said is correct. A church wedding is open to anyone. Just for the ceremony. You can quietly sip in and take a seat at the back and observe the wedding. Do not stay for the reception or go into the receiving line in that case.

Unfortunately people don't understand that old style etiquette today so I would take a hint from SC Irish and give them a heads up that you would like to observe the exchange of vows.

Etiquette-wise, it's fine to go to anyone's wedding at a church, whether you know them or not.

Practically speaking, I'd do what everyone suggests and get an okay from the MOG.

I have gone to wedding ceremonies, but not the receptions, a couple of times. Once was for a high school teacher who asked us all to come to the ceremony, once was for a member of a choral group I sang with (didn't expect her to invite 60+ choral singers to the wedding!), and another time for a friend's son. Always, I had an okay (or an invite) ahead of time.

It's not considered crashing to go to a church wedding. As several others have said, ANYone is welcome at a church ceremony. As a matter of fact, just last fall, DH and I went to the church to see a friend of DD's get married. DD was in the wedding party (she'd agreed, last minute, to replace an attendant who found she couldn't participate). The invitations had already been planned for, the bride and groom couldn't afford to extend their guest list to include us for the reception--and we totally understood that. But we wanted to share their special day, I sent them a gift, and they were fine with us attending the church ceremony.

This isn't the type of question I usually respond to; it's not my area of expertise. However it is very common practice around here to show up at the church for a wedding ceremony, invited or not. Personally in a perfect scenario I'd prefer to arrive just as the bride is reaching the front of the church when, with all eyes on her, I could walk in and sit down unnoticed. Afterward I see nothing wrong with approaching the married couple and parents with a hearty round of congratulations before beating a hasty (and quiet) retreat.

Case in point - DD#1 got married 10/10/08, a Friday. A boy from our street who was 4-5 years older than my girls got married THE VERY NEXT DAY!!! We are friendly with his parents and were invited to the church and reception but over mild protest from DW we declined to go on the grounds that I knew I'd be absolutely beat after a long day previously. Well we did go to the church and spoke briefly to FOB/MOB and for one of the FEW times since we've been married DW admitted that she was glad we turned them down. BTW, they also declined our invite but showed up for DDs ceremony; I was glad to see them.

My wedding was 30 years ago. When I was walking down the aisle, I noticed several people in the pews that I did not invite (due to budget). I quickly panicked and whispered to my dad "Oh no, what if they show up to the reception, we can't afford it." My mind was fixated on it during the entire ceremony. Four actually did show up which was not a big deal because it was a buffet reception. Not a word of the "crashing" was ever mentioned by them or me. No gift from them either!

I agree with the others, I think it's best to ask the MOG if it would be ok.

I don't think there's a universal definition for "wedding crasher". In any case I go with the thought of talking to the neighbor. Why not just ask? By putting it as you did, that they only want to see them get married, not attend the reception, I can't imagine them saying no. There *might* be a bit of discomfort in that they might then feel you're asking for a reception invite but putting it bluntly and clearly, that shouldn't happen.

I don't agree that a wedding is by definition a public event and open to anyone/everyone just because it's in a church. If that's the case, the reception would be too, if held at the church, right? Nope, the people *reserved* the church for that event, just like reserving a hall, banquet room, meeting room or otherwise so no, a wedding is not an open event. If it's a private wedding, it's private, just as there's private funerals and other events. Most people don't object to uninvited guests showing up, but occasionally there's someone the family/families would NOT want to attend and they have the right to expect that and enforce it. I'd be curious to see someone go in and say, hey, this is a church, I have the RIGHT to come here! LOL

I'd ask someone involved in the planning, probably the mother of the bride, if we could attend the ceremony.
Of course, I'm sensitive about crashing ceremonies, because my grandmother attended every wedding and every funeral in our small town. Often she'd ask another attendee, "Who's getting married/who died?" At least she got the question right for the rite!

cynic,

I can't speak for all churches... but generally in the Catholic church a sacrament (which marriage is) is open to the community. It's not about reserving a room or a place for a family event, but rather a religious sacrament open to all. Although many may feel these are personal parties, when they are done in the "church" they are not, and are considered opened.

A Church is "not" simply a place to reserve a room. The church announces the wedding in their bulletin at least 3 times, couples have to go through classes, and usually they only pay a very nominal, if any, fee to get married there. Getting married in the church is not the same as booking a rental hall or reserving a park.

You would not serve food in the church itself... so the reception problem would not happen... if you reserved the parish cafeteria or attached conference room, then yes, those would/could be private....but, generally, not the church itself.

Thank you for all your responses! I called my sister and read them to her. It will be a Catholic wedding mass, and it's a very large church, so there is no concern about finding inconspicuous seating. As most of the conversations between Sis and her neighbour of 20 years took place over the fence or on one another's porch, she's a bit hesitant to call, lest it seem like a formal request over the phone, and give the impression she's fishing for an invite to the reception.

Sis agreed with everyone that it would be best to not just appear at the ceremony, in case the bride panicks (like matti5) and worries the univited guests might show up at the reception. So she decided to just have her son ask the groom-to-be if it's okay for them to attend the ceremony, as they would love to see him on his special day.

I remember as a child my Mom taking we three oldest girls to a wedding at our church, just so we could see one I guess, not sure why...anyway we came in quietly and went and sat upstairs in the balcony.Not sure if anyone even knew we were there.

carla35, perhaps it's a regional thing. No question you know more about Catholic churches than do I so I can only speak from my experiences. My uncle's (Catholic) funeral served lunch after the funeral in the church. My cousin's (Catholic) wedding, (coincidently in the same church) had a lunch served in the church following the ceremony and this was hours before the reception. I've attended several (Catholic) funerals where they've served "lunch" after the event. Non-Catholic churches are also commonly serving lunch after a funeral. It's a common joke about Minnesotans feeding people after events like weddings and funerals, the Church basement lunches, "hotdishes", Jell-O molds and otherwise. Especially so the "country" churches often have what's called a Ladies' Auxiliary or Ladies' Aid who often handle the food prep, service and cleanup. My aunt's funeral had a caterer prepare and serve the food. My father's funeral was handled by the Ladies' A., as was my mother's years and yeas ago. Other aunts' uncles' and friends' funerals handled similarly.

A point I was making is that I think one would be hard-pressed to walk in on a celebrity's wedding or funeral and say they can't keep one out. I really doubt that would work but then again I'm not Catholic so I can't say for sure.

Cynic, just curious - do you mean to say that these Catholic churches serve food in the nave/sanctuary? Or are they just serving in the basement?

As I understand the traditional etiquette, the "you can't exclude people from God's house" idea applies to the place where people actually worship and where, presumably, the wedding ceremony is held.

Of course, as I already said, I'd still ask before I showed up. I think Pickyshopper's sister came up with a good idea to have her son clear it with groom before the wedding day.

I think is would be best to ask and explain that you would not be staying for the rececption, but you did wish to congratulate the lucky couple. This would give the host/hostess a chance to tell you if there would be enough seating at the ceremony.

I was surprised that some cultures really don't expect "invited guests" to show up at the church. Just the party afterwards. They reserve the church ceremony for immediate family. I crashed the church ceremony as I just assumed it was part of the wedding invitation. There were very few people there and everyone was glad we came. The reception was eight hours later and huge in numbers.

Oh my goodness, Holly! Your comments opens up a whole new can of worms!

It's always been my thinking that when we receive an invitation it is to the wedding itself, and I wouldn't think of going only to the reception if we hadn't actually attended the actual wedding. In fact, in our area, it is considered 'crass' to do so.

I guess if in the cases as you presented, then the "invitation" would actually be an "announcement" and enclosed would be an "invitation" to the reception. That seems so odd to me. Different areas and different upbringings result in different ways of thinking.

Holly, that's how it was in the culture where I grew up. (Byzantine Catholic church in Cleveland, Ohio.) The wedding was at the church in the morning, and mostly family and close friends came. Then there was a wedding breakfast afterwards for these intimate guests. (There could be 50-60 of them.)

The reception started around 6:00, and everyone showed up for that (maybe 300 or so people). The receptions were always held in the church basement (later on, the function hall the church built). There was a big dinner, dancing with a full band, and an open bar. Lots of the men alternated between the dance floor and the poker table, which was always there in the bar area. Kids were all invited and danced, too.

I think the reason that people could afford to do this was because the Ladies' Auxiliary did the cooking, probably at not much more than cost.

And, you know, even though I grew up with this, I always thought it was odd to go to the party when you hadn't bothered to show up for the ceremony. The receptions were a blast, though.

I had to report on weddings as "Society Editor" (aka Girl of All Work) for a small town paper. I think every Reverend could tell you he sees 'regulars' seated in the back of his church at EVERY wedding and funeral. (There are 'regulars' who attend trials at the courthouse, too!)

That's not the issue here though. If I were your sister, I'd ask my son to pass the word to the groom that his parents would like to attend the ceremony. (They can have 'other plans' for later!) They should sit on the groom's side, not in the most forward rows, but not cowering at the back of the church. They should be part of the attendees applauding as the newlyweds leave the church -- if that's the plan.

It's likely that this couple felt uneasy about inviting people to the wedding ceremony when they couldn't invite them to the reception as well.

If they care enough to attend the wedding, they might want to send a small gift with the congratulatory card.