Thank you all for sharing your experiences and expressing your opinions. Since I posted this, our friend has decided to take a breather and try to work things out. I don't know if that means weeks, months, or years. I think his recent sense of urgency is based on some changes in their pre-nup that take place in June, so he wanted to finalize things before then. What I'm sensing from a distance is that on the one hand, he is the kind of person who doesn't take marriage vows lightly and really doesn't want to be divorced. On the other hand, he's still young (about 34?), and most likely wants to buy a house together, start a family, etc. And that's not happening. The house they live in is HERS, as she's made very clear to him. She already has 3 kids and is too old to have more. Also, it's very possible that his wife is "manipulating" him to some degree to get him to stay until the changes in the pre-nup occur (which would be to her advantage if they did divorce). She has been married and divorced before and is 18 years older than he is, so I'm sure she could "play the system" better. momj--I agree that big changes are needed to fix this marriage. I think they've been to counseling, but I guess it didn't "take." You're so right about few people being willing to do the work. I was in that situation with my ex, too. Time will tell if that's true for this couple. They have no kids together, but I'm sure her daughter and granddaughter living with them is starting to take a toll. sweeby--Yes, one big fight is not usually the case with most divorces; they've been fighting since the wedding day from what I've heard. I think he's in the wavering stage now, and I'm wondering if he's watching the clock like you did, and will pull the plug at the end of May. But I'm hopeful that they will go to counseling, or she will go alone, and they'll work it out. bill-thanks for sharing your story. I think this guy is like you in many ways, wanting to stick it out for various reasons. Fortunately, there is no infidelity or abuse in their marriage (that I'm aware of). Those issues can certainly make it more difficult to stay, and in some cases even more difficult or dangerous to leave. (I still got phone calls in the middle of the night from my ex two years after I moved to the other side of the country.) seeking--that is such a great analogy! So true! And when it does crash to the floor, all the sweet things and money are gone. One of my favorite analogies is this: a relationship is like holding a handful of sand. As long as you keep your hand open, you can hold a lot of sand in it. But when you tighten your grip, the sand starts to come out. cup--thanks for sharing your opinion. I totally agree that the marriage is more important than the teenage, unwed mother (who recently ran away for a few days with the kid----so irresponsible). I guess she was living there when the couple married, as she would have been only 14. But I don't know the details of why she's still there. Probably just the usual situation of a mother not wanting her daughter living on the street. I can't say whether this woman has an undiagnosed mental illness. I know she's very controlling, but lots of people are. Wouldn't a marriage counselor pick up on that, though? maddie--good for you for having the courage to take control of your situation. I have a feeling that this guy is sort of in your position--doing all the work, paying all the bills, being a good spouse, while "the wagon of love breaks under the baggage of life." We all have our breaking point, and I hope he is able to recognize what his is. donna--thanks for your response. I agree that I/we should stay out of it, and we have been. The only thing I've said to him so far is that people can take advantage of him only as long as he allows them to (and it was months ago that I said that). I think my husband has given him some financial advice, but he's not the type to say "you should just leave." Low self-esteem definitely enters into it; I can tell that much. That seems to come into play for most of us who go thru a divorce. mindstorm--Yes, you're right, leaving is serious. I think that's why most of us do the "wavering" and take a long time to knock the soda machine over. In my own situation, there was substance abuse, infidelity, and a lot of lying, none of which I bargained for when taking that "solemn vow." I had lots of people telling me I should leave, but I didn't listen because I knew I had to be sure it was the right thing to do. What has dogged me for most of my life is that I put up with it for so long and didn't get out sooner. The part of my life that was wasted was the years I spent married to him, not the years since. zobeet--It is difficult to tell sometimes when it's over, and I think one half of the couple is usually more willing to work on it than the other. Some couples stay married in spite of this; some split because of it. In my friend's case, it appears that the pre-nup benefits her more than it does him. I think that's one of the major issues. ---------- Thanks again everybody for taking the time to read and respond. It's been enlightening to hear everyone's opinion. Kathy

Too long!!! It seemed as though things came out of the woodwork. I would start packing ASAP. There is always the chance that the schedule will have to be modified and kitchen demo could come sooner than expected. About 2 weeks prior to having to demo the kitchen I went through and packed up what I didn't think I would need (food and all other kitchen items). MY DH thought I was packing too early. There is no such thing as packing too early. This allowed me to use and live with that I thought I would need and adjust what I packed if I had to. I probably didn't pack enough, but with 2 young kids I didn't want to be stuck without. I did pack all dishes and glasses and we are using plastic and paper. I am washing the plastic and recycling as much as I can. I didn't want to use "real" dishes and glasses b/c my temporary kitchen is in the basement and nothing will survive if it is dropped on the cement floor. I also have young children and wanted to eliminate as much breakage as possible. Don't forget under the sink (in my kitchen it was a black hole). I can't believe how much was back there. And most of that will have to be packed away (kept on-site in a plastic container), unless you are lucky enough to have a dishwasher in your temporary kitchen. I suggest you go to your temporary kitchen location and set up as much as possible before hand. In my case, I have placed food items in the playroom and my sink, range (the construction crew ran a dedicated electrical line so I could move the range to the basement) and fridge is in the unfinished part of the basement/laundry room. I have a large, deep 2-basin utility tub. I purchased 4 plastic tubs (using two as bases for the remaining two where I wash in one and place cleaned dishes in the other). I also have a drying rack with telescopic ends that also fits over the rinsing part of the utility sink for dishes to dry. I had my DH place a drafting table across from the sink to use as a work surface. He will be setting up another for me today. You will also need somewhere to store all your things. Since I have young children, it is a bit more of a challenge b/c they see the wooden spoon, colander, and the like as things to play with (I found a whisk in my bed). The items we are not using have been packed in moving boxes and we rented two storage containers and put them in there. They delivered the storage containers to the house, we packed them and they were removed to a climate-controlled facility. We also had to empty our master bedroom and bathroom, dining room,TV room and breakfast room. We couldn't put it in the basement, since the construction crew needs access to the basement to run pipes for the new kitchen and bath, and to deal with the furnace and the HVAC issues. We used these containers when we put our last house on the market to de-personalize the house and it worked great. What didn't I anticipate??? We are renovating above the unfinished basement/laundry room and we get dust and pieces of who-knows-what coming down through the exposed sub-flooring above. I have moved my work/prep area as far from where renovations are taking place above. I also keep everything covered. Also bear in mind how many things you plug into which outlets. Between the construction needs upstairs and the electrical needs in my temporary kitchen I have had circuit breakers trip. If you can, try to figure out which electrical socket is on which circuit breaker and don't overload it with too many appliances. Our basement is much cooler than the rest of the house so my DH went to Sears to purchase a ceramic heater (this led to the first circuit breaker tripping). Now I only have one freezer (I used to have an old fridge, but it was sent to the dump to make room for the fridge brought down form the kitchen) and this has had more of an impact than I would have thought. Though it is a rather nippy 30 degrees outside so I guess I could just put some things outside...... Other Issues: Do you have internet service and where is your router? We use wireless, however my router used to be connected to a wall that no longer exists. I had to have it relocated so I could continue to have internet service during renovation (the thought of being cut-off from GW was too much to bear...there also was that little issue of being able to pay bills). If it is located near where renovation is occurring, during construction the electrical to that router could have to be turned off and you will lose internet service. Make sure your fridge is not on the same circuit breaker as any of the kitchen electrical sockets. If they need to turn off the electrical you will end up with ice cream soup. I don't know what type of fridge you have but you might want to check on the electrical requirements just to be safe. Will you have adequate lighting in your temporary kitchen? I am sure there is more. All I can say is that so far this experience will make me appreciate my new kitchen even more. I am beginning to fantasize about the first meal I will cook in my new kitchen.... Good luck!

We were without a usable kitchen for somewhere between 2 and 3 weeks. This included removal of old cabinets (Habitat did that for us), removal of old floor and installation/finishing of new HW, relocating and adding plumbing, a bit of construction to reframe an interior window (long story), having the whole kitchen completely rewired, and installation of new cabinets and countertop. There was another couple of weeks of kitchen work that I did myself (filling nail holes, caulking, painting, final coats of finish on the wood countertop, having the backsplash installed) but we were using the kitchen during that time. This is what made it go so fast: 1. not being a normal GW kitchen (cabs/counters are from IKEA). 2. LUCK. 3. Lots and lots and lots of advance planning on my part -- I was the "GC." 4. Wonderful trades (flooring, plumber, electricians) who came when they said they would and got their work done efficiently; ditto local inspector. 5. Great installers with extensive carpentry and IKEA experience who were available on short notice (see point 2, Luck) when original handyman bailed out after reno had already begun. 6. Choosing a floor finish that was ready to walk on the next day (Rubio Monocoat). 7. Using a countertop that could be installed by the cabinet installers (IKEA butcherblock). 8. Having almost everything on site in advance, and having me available to run to the big box stores at a moment's notice for unexpected bits and pieces (corollary: being willing to have most kitchen components come off the shelf from somewhere local; there were only a few special-order things). 9. DIY'ing the final steps and using the kitchen during that time. 10. Almost forgot -- keeping the scale of reno fairly limited -- basic footprint of room did not change (some wall and window work had to be done, but no walls were moved and we left the original plaster in place for the most part). I still can't quite believe we pulled it off so fast. It wouldn't have happened if the people I hired hadn't been so professional and helpful (a big deal, I know, since I'm just a homeowner and can give them only so much business). I really do sympathize with all of you with the longer renos. Your kitchens are on a different level than ours, though, and ours wouldn't suit everyone.

Other than the fact that it is a bit stiff, is there anything particularly Wrong with it for a 44 year old room? If so, what changes would you make? It's too cluttered, fussy and rigid. It has a good traffic flow. The mirror would go, not because it's bad, but those warped reflections make me nauseous (it's an optic thing). A flat mirror with good glass clarity in that spot would be fine. Assuming it has colors I liked and comfortable seating, I would clean off the tables, rip out the carpet and use a nice oriental rug on polished hardwood. The lambrequin might go or be recovered with something less formal. Lamps are OK, would replace scalloped shades for less formal linen ones. Because the colonial era was a big trading era, I would invent a family member who "was in shipping" and sent back interesting things. I would hang more paintings, fewer non-paintings. Mirror on the right would go, hang a nice landscape instead.