Its not your problem yet - thank goodness (since you're only dating) . Both her parents screwed up raising her and there is nothing that you can do to undo the damage. Medication can do wonders for bipolar people, but there is no magic pill for people that have never learned self discipline, the value of $$, etc. I suspect that the parents will be dealing with her as they always have - using money as a salve to try to repair the damage they've done. I suspect this will go on for another 25 years. The parents will probably always be vascillating between taking a hard line and feeling sorry for their child, and always be helping her in some fashion because of the guilt they feel because they know they created this problem. You cannot step in and hope to change the dynamics of a relationship that has been in the making for 25 years. Its Mom and Dads problem. Its a good thing that you are only dating and that it isn't your money that is affected. I would think twice about your future. This is only college. Wait until she's in and out of marriages in the same fashion with some children whose welfare is at stake. Do you think it will be easy for your BF to stand back and watch his grandchildren in need?

How does your boyfriend feel about his daughter? Does he feel he's being used or just feel he owes this to his daughter? That's the thing you have to find out and understand. If he's on the same page as you...then great. You'll find a way to handle her and get through this together. But if he feels it's only right that he helps his daughter...then you're never going to get anywhere. You can't change a person on your own, they have to want it to. So all of your complaining and yelling and arguing will get you nowhere.

I've watched my step sister's try to use their father over and over and over. They have messed up their own lives and have tried to make their Dad feel bad because they're supposed to be screwed up over the divorce. My mother has pointed out to him that that's all bull crap on their part. They had the same decisions in life to make as my brother and I and they're the ones that chose to bum money, steal, lie, do drugs and get messed up with losers. We don't have to repeat what we were taught as kids. My step father still helps out now and again but he's lost faith in them and knows my mother is right. You try to help them get into a better situation and they screw you over in the process and don't do anything to help themselves. They hate my mother because they think she controls what their father does for them but it's him...he's fed up and trying to make them learn what life is really like. You have to work and pay your bills and take care of your kids cause you can't get handouts forever.

Good luck.

~Leslie~

I don't think you realize the severity of her illness. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I dropped out of 4 colleges. There is so much more that is going on in her head that you have no idea is there. These are things she can not control. This has nothing to do with using her dad. This has to do with a mental illness that controls every single move you make everyday of your life. The smallest thing can make you feel like your world is caving in and there is no way out. Her father and mother need to talk to her doctor. Maybe a different medication can work. I have friends that have been through nearly every med there is before they finally found one that worked. You are blaming her for her illness.

Brandym I resent very much you saying I am blaming her for her illness. It is at my suggestion and her father spending thousands and thousands of dollars that she is now on the correct medication that is working- you must have missed that part. My point is that at some time she has to be responsible for her own financial situation-mental illness or not. I have people in my family who have had severe depression and my mother has been hospitalized several times with it. I do not pretend to understand what someone with bipolar disorder goes through and I have spent huge amounts of time trying to put myself in this girls shoes and to try to figure out what the best thing is that we can do for her. Her dad (whom I am marrying next spring) feels guilty about his divorce. He loves her dearly but will not continue to financially support her through college unless she holds up her end of the bargain- b's in school. I have encouraged him to hold her to some standards-defining what he expects from her and letting her know what support she can expect in return- so that everyone knows where they stand and there are as few suprises as possible.
We do not put undue pressure on her to be a college grad-we would be thrilled if she chose any trade/job as long as it leads to her being productive and independent. She is the one who insists on getting a phd-thereby preventing her from getting a job with insurance- she has no sense that at age 25 most people are making own car payment,rent payment, paying for own car repairs,insurance etc. etc. We will always love her but will not always pay her way. No matter anyone's life situation they must figure out how to best deal with it in a self sufficient healthy manner. To me , that is the definition of growing up.
Rosie and nadastimer thank you for your comments- I think every family has someone who goes through some version of this story.

Maybe her behaviour has little to do with her illness, but more from the way she has been coddled because of the illness. It's just human nature to find an excuse for not doing things. I suffered from a couple of bouts of depression a while back which is still a good excuse not to do laundry, not to clean the house etc. Maybe you should find some examples of successful people who have the same illness. Is there a support group that she can join so she that she can see how others deal with their illness? Maybe you and your fiance can find a support group to see how others deal with it.

This is just speculation on my part since there's no way anyone here can know how your daughter truly behaves or how severe her illness is. I have a friend who lives with someone who has an adult bipolar child. I've been told that it is a living h3ll for them. The kid threatens suicide, runs away and causes many disruptions even when using meds. Good luck, you've got a big heart to want to be involoved.

I agree with the OP and others that there is a fine line between needing help and using the illness to get you whatever you want. She needs help to an extent (more like moral and emotional support than financial), yes, but the girl needs to learn to care for herself, too. What happens when Mom and Dad are no longer living? It's best for her to learn now then later on in life. The longer she depends on everyone to take care of her, the harder it will be for her to take care of herself.

I also think that if she's had this much trouble in college, she needs to at least graduate with a degree and get a job. She should try that out and see if she actually likes where she is before spending more money on schooling to find it wasn't what she wanted. She can always go back to school. And think she could find a job somewhere that will pay for her to go back to her her PhD.

goodtastenomoney -
The important thing right now is to get her taking the stabilizing drugs regularly ... without that, jobs and school aren't going to happen.

She probably is eligible for some sort of subsidized health care - SSI perhaps- and job counseling and psychiatric counseling. Bipolar is a metabolic disorder, but counseling to help figure out how to cope with it helps.

Hi
I read your bi line and thought what Bi polar child story isnt a long one : ) I have a bipolar daughter and I am sure my fiance would be right in line with you. I give you so much credit for hanging in there with your loved one. It will always be a long road with your very special step daughter. My fiance is constantly having to rein me in and remind me that no matter how challenged she is we have to make her able to be self sufficient. There is such a struggle as a mother/father to not constantly be picking up the pieces. If she is having trouble managing her money maybe you can set up a joint account and manage her money for her. It really isnt as simple as she has to learn so here are the consequences. It sounds like she is very intelligent and has the ability to meet her goals. She just needs extra help and encouragement. I wish you the best.
Kari

This will always be a hard job, and I admire you for being so willing to be a part of it. I think your standards are reasonable, and also that there has been some very good ideas put forward here. She should be able to qualify for ssi help, though be prepared for her to be turned down the first couple of times, at least.

The only thing that I would change is that b average stipulation. Why not make it a C average? What's wrong with being 'average', with her added problems that sounds like a pretty good achievement to me.

Financial counseling and guidance sounds like a good idea, too. Good luck to you all. Mental illness of any kind is a tough row to hoe.

If you are in a large enough city, you should consider looking for a support group of relatives of those with mental illness. You'll find a lot of wisdom there and also a feeling of not being so alone with this problem.

My best to you all~~
j