Thanks again everyone for your great posts. Always helpful to hear the different viewpoints.

It does bother me that she comes home for one month, but truth is, if it were my biological son or daughter, I would also love it. How can I deny my wife this? And trying to deny her having her daughter home would end my marriage. And for all of our problems, I am committed to staying in the marriage (it's been almost 17 years married now). There is some light at the end of the tunnel in that she leaves in 5 days...and she goes in July to a 3-year medical residency.

One thing that struck me is that now that we're in the last week, as one writer hinted at, I'm definitely irritated and annoyed. Think I've hit my full "dose" of "E". I can usually do a week or two standing on my head, but by the 4th week, I'm usually irritated and on edge.

The "corrections" of my son might be quite normal for an older sister (she is biologically his half-sister) but they irritate the crap out of me. Part of it is that I don't want "E" to influence my son, part of it is that she has rejected my parental authority in her life but wants to be an authority in my son's life, and part of it is that she really does have a problem with accepting her role.

Thurman

Thurman,

I really, really know how you feel towards ''E'' but you know what, you will drive yourself nuts if you don't detach yourself from her pyscially, emotionnally, spiritually. Believe me!

I have been a stepparent for 18 years and until just a little while ago, my oldest stepdaughter has treated me like s... and like I don't exist and has shown absolutely no respect towards me for the last 18 years and 11 months.

I haven't had a Christmas gift from her in the last three years. She has never, never called me on my birthday in the last 18 years. Yet, I have given her birthday gifts, xmas gits and a very, very expensive gift for her wedding. I am still waiting for a thank you for the wedding gift.

Her father know's I am upset at the fact that she has never thanked me for my contribution towards her wedding. We've had a huge fight about this more than once. I cannot believe he wouldn't tell her she had to thank me also personnaly for the wedding gift. He thinks because she said thank you to him that it means it is for both of us. I know he knows that is not true and that is not the way he raised his children but when it comes to his oldest daughter - he simply refuses to correct her. Then he wonders why I have detached myself from her!

This Christmas, however, for one reason or another, she was truly nice towards me when she visited us. I don't think that she made a point of being nice towards me. I think she was rather quit cuz she has alot of problems in her marriage and just wasn't it the mood to be silly and stupid like a 12 year old. Whatever the reason, she didn't insult me once and didn't make fun of my English once! For the last 18 years, I swear to god every time she had the chance of making a silly rude comment about me or to me, she would do it! And worse of all, her father would get in the game with her and like poke fun at me, in other words, encouraging and supporting his daughter in her actions towards me.

Well, at one point I had enough of them and I told hubby what I thought of him and his daughter's behavior. How childish it was and if my relationship with his daughter wasn't the best..it was his fault. I told him if he hadn't always been at his daughter's defence and if he hadn't supported her rudeness and neglect towards me, perhaps his daughter and I could have a decent relationship. I guess the fact that I just came out and blame him for my relationship with his daughter.

I told him that from now on I would not hesitate one minute to tell his daughter right in her face what I thought of her when she would be disrespectful towards me.

Well, what had to happenend happened. At one point, she started making fun of my English again, imitating my strong French accent and so forth and just being totally rude. I told her right then and there. " You know, you better stop making fun of me while you are ahead girl" Who are you to make fun of me. I at least can speak two languages. How many can you speak?

You should have seen her reaction! She looked at me with these huge brown chocolate eyes and said. Oh boy - are we ever prompt this morning? Where does this come from!??

She's never made fun of my Englsih since then! She is 26 years old. She is finally acting her age!

Your stepdaughter is 26 years old for goodness sake. Her mother, just like my dear husband, still thinks she is just a child and he must always come to her defence! Well, he's starting to change his mind about this now, having visited her home and seeing and hearing things from his grandchildren that have made him thought that his sweet litte daugther better start growing up and taking her responsibilities!

So, in order to mantain your sanity, I suggest you don't get involved with SD and do what I did. Don't talk about SD, don't inquire about SD, don't give SD anything,..etc. etc. etc. And if your wife asks you why you are acting like this, just say : i treat others the same way i am treated by them!.

SD ignores you. You ignore her. If she takes things from your son, don't say a word about it unless your son mentions it. Otherwise stay out and away from anything that involves her. She is 26 yrs old. She is not a baby.

I too would be going nuts now if sd was still at my house after all these weeks. Why don't you seriously think about taking a day off for yourself when she is gone and enjoy your place again. Put on some music and wash the place. That's what I do when SD comes over during the summer and stays at our cottage. The minute she is gone I wash away every trace of her. Otherwise I feel like I can still smell her presence in my place.

Keep posting. I always find it interesting reading your post.

I must have missed something. I didnt know she only stayed for a month.I was under the impression she lived there all the time.

Well,one month isnt so bad.

I mean,I have a crazy brother in law who stays with us on the weekends sometimes,and by sunday I'm ready to hurt him.But he gets drunk and acts loud,so that's kinda different.

I guess sucking it up for one month so your wife can visit her daughter is a really nice thing to do.

Maybe you should get a hobby or something.That way when she comes to visit,you can make yourself less available and then she wont bother you so much.
That's what I do when my brother in law comes over.If he is annoying me,I just go to the mall or something for a while.

Alright!!! Thurman I agree with you totally on the borrowing without permission thing! Why should she be allowed to take things from her brother's room when he is not home? We have an extremely large blended family which leads to very little private space. Regaurdless of whether or not the brother would mind... HE WAS NOT HOME TO MIND! If she is willing to march into his room and take things what's next your room? Some things have to have limits set. No it may not be the biggest thing in the world but it still MATTERS!!!! To shrug it off and say oh well go ahead and take his things is ridiculous. Does he not have just as much right to privacy and security in his home?

They are just dumbbells - not his toothbrush. If the boy doesn't care, why should Thurman? I have a very large biological family, and we borrow each other's stuff all the time - as long as the owner has not specified that he or she doesn't want it borrowed, and you don't use it up, break it, or lose it, it's fine.

It is not the fact that she borrowed them... She didn't borrow them. She went into his personal space and took them without permission!!! If the boy had been home to be asked no problem. It is just a form of disrespect! And what does it matter what she took without permission? As for large family... we have six children living with us at all times! and kids as well as adults need their own things... I am not saying this girl is all bad. She doesn't sound to bad, just has a problem understanding bounderies.

Yes, she did borrow them - she didn't take them permanently. My kids and I borrow each other's things frequently when they are not home to ask. If something is so special that it is not available for borrowing, they are expected to specify that.

NOBODY in any household should have to go through THEIR things and form a list of what is off limits... If they are not available to ask IT IS OFF LIMITS! Like I said this girl has issues with boundaries, does that make her bad? NO but if it is tolerated repeatedly how are we as a society to expect her to get along with others if she feels free to borrow things without asking. I'm sorry for your troubles Thurman and wish you the best.

I find it interesting that the same people who on other posts say that a child should not even be entitled to a little private space (a bed and a dresser or closet), can turn around and defend the anger of a father because his stepdaughter borrowed/without asking the workout equipment of his son who doesn't even care one way or the other. It just seems a little hypocritcal to me.

I know that this post sounds a little mean, but I am so sick of the double standard. It seems like so many think that the step-children should just suck it up no matter what, but the step-parent is perfectly entitled to be angry about something that doesn't even matter!

Dear Thurman,
Under all your resentment of how this girl behaves, is the hurt you feel. It hurts that she treats you and your son with such disdain. It seems like you and your son's feelings don't even count. Her wishes go before anyone else's. Her feelings count more than yours. Boundaries are -your feelings stop where mine start. You are tired of being treated like you don't count, that you aren't important - you aren't the king of your castle. I feel the same way.
Rather than waiting for your wife to do something about her daughter and make you the king, Claim your position. It is already yours. You just have to believe it. Who the heck else is king? Your step daughter? Your wife? Nope - it is yours. You are the man of the house. You have all the responsibility of it. Fake it til you make it, but do it.
I imagine a funny visual - every morning get up and in front of your bathroom mirror, do the cowardly lion on the wizard of oz thing - I am the king of the forest!!!!! Remember when the wizard made him so - but he already was it? Go watch that movie. Your son will love watching it with you too.
I need to take my own advice too by the way. I will do it too, with you. I have had it at my house too. I am the queen of my castle and I better step up and claim it.

I don't really think that Thurman said that "E" treats his son/her half-brother with disdain, he only said that she corrects his behavior. Also, it seems to me that she also doesn't treat Therman with disdain either. She just doesn't always acknowledge him and isn't completely friendly toward him. I can't say that I blame her. It is obvious that he finds it very easy to find fault in almost everything she does. Also, she took the dumbells from the basement, not from her brother's room. It seems to me, that if they were in the basement, he was probably not even using them on a regular basis and he probably wouldn't even miss them.

I NEVER said a child wasn't entitled to some private space of their own! However turn this situation around and say the bio-son went in to SD room and borrowed something of hers... The SAME people defending her actions would be SCREAMING "she has to have a private space of her own!" This double standard a few here speak of works both ways! Either you want to be treated equal or you don't! Equal means: You are expected to behave like any other bio-child in the household and you in turn get the same rights as any other bio-child in the household. It does not mean that every time there is a problem yu can hide behind the whole "I am the poor step child" role. A child is a child... Forget step forget Bio!!!! ANY child should have boundaries that are to be respected!!!

This is Thurman's issue, not his son's. The boy apparently did not mind - he did not set any such "boundaries."

I'm not trying to be argumentative or to say that bio-children don't have the same right to boundaries that step-children do. If Therman's son had gone into the basement and borrowed/without asking something that had belonged to "E" and "E" was not there, perhaps it was something she stored in the basement because she was off at college, or whatever, as long as the son did not damage whatever it was, I doubt that "E", Therman's wife, or Therman would be upset about it at all.

Hello Thurman

I must say that your troubles with your step daughter are the same troubles I have with my own daughter. Lets face it, its the age, (my DD is 20), she is also hanging around waiting to go back to college. So she has been home for a couple of months. Its rather tense for most of the reasons that you mentioned.

But you know, I can pinpoint her attitude and can see what she is doing wrong in her behaviour, but I have decided to just NOT LET IT BOTHER ME. And you know, its a lot easier like that !

Lots of other more important things to focus on, things that make you happy, like laughing and joking with your son, and wife.

I am super nice to my DD, and she is starting to gradually be a "nicer" person to me.

Your house is probably in peace now.

All the best.

Popi

Ok now let's touch on the whole a parent should defend their child's rights.... Isn't Thurman doing that with his son's possesions? My point is yes children should have boundaries... like it or not, there it is. And I would say the same thing if it had been his son whom had borrowed something without asking. Simple fact is many children can't or feel unable to set boundaries themselves and look to parents for that. May it did bother his son but he didnt' want to make waves so he said nothing. Regaurdless, I really think some on here are just ready and willing to go to war over anything... I have already stated that this girl does not sound like a BAD girl, just has some boundary issues... THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING A STEP CHILD! If it bothered Thurman it should have been handled appropriately she could have just said "hey, I'm sorry I didn't realize it was a problem" and "I'll ask next time" Instead she was aloowed to disrespect her mothers partner. Blowing the issue into something bigger. A child should not have to specifically list the things they do not want touched while out, she could have just as easily waited until he was home and asked to borrow them. Then guess what? NO ISSUE AT ALL>>> poof magic!

and the most important thing here is: Thurman IS THE PARENT! If he wants to protect his son and stick up for him..well that is what he is supposed to do! Goes back to his first statement: if anyone touches anything in "E's" room...she has a problem....well she should keep her hands off her brothers things...just because she is the grown, immature step daughter, does not mean she gets special treatment. Respect goes both ways! She should be out of the house by now...is she Thurman?

She came home for a one month visit during med school - she has a right to visit her mother and her brother, both of whom are probably very happy to see her. The only one in the family who is apparently bothered by her is Thurman. After reading through his posts, I came away with the impression that just about anything she does irritates him.

Thurman... I have only one question... Why do you really dislike your step daughter..... the real reason... not the petty little things like ... she didnt say hello first or she borrowed her brothers things...but Why??

I think there is a deeper issue here.. if you really want to make your family work you need to figure out why you have such a dislike for the child your wife gave birth to before you.... or maybe that is the issue. Think about it.

Thanks to everyone who wrote and shared. It is very helpful to get your perspectives.

I do dislike my stepdaughter because of how she treats me, how this issue divides our marriage and home, and how much stress and tension it causes me in my life. And, I'm powerless to do anything about it except try to find ways to deal with the stress and tension and try to rise above all of the pettiness. My wife is my stepdaughter's greatest champion, and sees her daughter as perfect. So we never deal with anything, I hold it all inside, and anger builds. The same things I was angry about when the S/D was 13, I'm still angry about and she is now 26!

Not trying to put this all on my wife, but I suspect there is no stepfamily in the world that cannot exist peaceably when the biological parent does not work with the stepparent. In our family, this is a topic that cannot be raised with my wife, she is so defensive about her daughter.

I feel helpless. My S/D comes home for two months in a couple of weeks, and I am dreading it. Two months doesn't sound like much, and time goes by fast, but it is still torture.

Thurman

Hi Thurman, I believe I have responded to your post before. I too have adult stepkids (2 at 22 and 25)and feel the same way you do and my husband has the same attitude as your wife. Their children can do no wrong, even if the lie, manipulate, no respect, etc. You know what I mean. I dread when they come to visit because something is always wrong, they always ask for something that involves money, they never are happy with anything we do, etc. It is always stressful and depressing. So maybe it can help to know we are not alone. Keep posting

Your parents are SUPPOSED to be your biggest champions. I think it must be very difficult for your wife to live with someone who is always angry, and especially someone who is always angry at her flesh and blood. My gut feeling is that as soon as your son is on his own, your wife is going to be out of there...

Thurman,

Bonjour,

I was wondering how you were doing. I am living the same same same same feelings/experience/situation you are facing today in regards to your SD and wife. I have been living this for the last 18 years as you know from previous posts.

I was so psychologically upset, angry and so forth lately towards my SD's lack of respect towards me and towards DH for not supporting me, that I just decided to take five days off from work and go by all by myself spend some time up at our cottage. There wasn't a soul around except me and my dog. Before leaving, I went to the library and got lots of books. One of them being The Dance of Anger. I suggest you read it. I find it helps to deal with our situation.

Being away from home, from SD and DH, really helped me detached emotionnaly and gave me time to rest and think. I know exactly how you feel about SD coming to your house for two months. Yuk! DH was really shocked when I told him I was going up to the lake ''alone'' for five days! I called him only once during all this time and it was to tell him when he should come up and get me so I could return home and go back to work.

This time alone did alot for me. I really, really suggest you think about doing something like that during the time SD will be home for two months. Go away for a little bit! Get away from SD and your wife.Go! Your son will be ok while you are gone. You deserve some happy time just for yourself, away from all this stress. It's enough!

Keep posting.

Therman,

I think you are holding a grudge against your SD for things that happened so long ago. I'm sure it is obvious to her that you don't like her. You need to work at getting over that. If you don't treat her with love and respect, you shouldn't expect her to treat you with love and respect.

You shouldn't hold her behavior as a young teenager against her. All teen girls go through a rough period, but she was a child and she needs to be forgiven for that. As long as she is working at making herself a better person and isn't a total hateful, crazy, selfish person. You need to look for forgiveness in your heart for your own sake as well as that of your wife, son and SD.

Thanks for all of your postings. It is such a difficult situation. I'm not saying my SD is an evil person and I'm a saint. Far from it. We're all flawed people trying to co-exist in a flawed situation. Let's face it, in a perfect world, there'd be no divorce and bitterness and resentment and so on.

I guess the bottom line is that I'd like more kindness and respect from my SD, and I'd like my wife to validate my feelings some of the time instead of always protecting her daughter's back. I hate dreading my SD's visits and celebrating when she leaves. Not saying she has to treat me like her father, but it could be a little better. I'd settle for distant uncle.

Therman...if you make a positive change in your attitude toward her and make a genuine effort to treat her with kindness, I think it will make a world of difference in your relationship with her.

Maybe he is trying to do that...we know alot of the posts here are exactly like his, only difference is it is the woman posting about the exact same things Thurman is posting. He is just venting, let him. We all do it!

I can understand the whole venting thing. I'm just trying to make a suggestion on how to make things better. I think his wife is overprotective of her daughter because she can see that Therman doesn't like her, so she refuses to see Therman's POV even when it is valid. I think the SD can sense the obvious dislike and tension from Therman and it makes her uncomfortable, so she doesn't engage him like Therman wishes she would. I think it's an endless cycle untill somebody steps up and does something to change it. I just think if Therman would be the "hero" and step up to do what it takes to change the situation than he would be so much happier, as would the rest of his family. But, if he's just here to vent...he can completely ignore me and go on about his life the way it is. Makes no difference to me.

I agree with you there! Just circles until someone does something..

What I'm hearing most from Thurman, is that even though there is no *major* issues like abuse, meanness, etc, he's feeling as though his feelings are not being validated by his wife. Even if he's just feeling annoyed by some trivial infraction of personal boundaries, I think if his wife just acknowledged his feelings, and didn't automatically jump to her *adult* daughters defense, it would make him feel at least validated.
Example:
Daughter does the whole not giving him a message bit. (when she does give her mother her messages)
All the wife has to do when he says something is say something like "Oh, I'm sorry that happened. I'll mention it to E, and see if she can try to make sure that next time you get your message". How hard is that? A little acknowledgement goes a long way in a sticky situation. It helps to have your partner acknowledge your feelings, and even if it seems trivial, everyone needs to feel validated.

I truly, completely and entirely understand thurman's feelings and position in regards to his SD. I've been there, had the T-Shirt and everything is still the same old same between me and DH's oldest daughter, after 18 years.

Raek : You say :
"I just think if Therman would be the "hero" and step up to do what it takes to change the situation than he would be so much happier, as would the rest of his family."

Who knows? Maybe thurman did try to be a hero, and has been very polite and nice towards his SD and yet, nothing changes. She is still disrespectful towards him and the thing is, according to me, it doesn't matter how nice we are to some stepchildren, how we try to be respectful towards them, some of these children simply do not accept us!

You would not believe how many times I have tried to forgive and forget my SD's attitude towards me! Nothing changes! I give up. She's 26 yrs old. She knows what she is doing right, and what she is doing wrong. I am not giving my power to her ANYMORE or to DH when it comes to her.

Hey Fleurs,

I understand what you are saying, but from Therman's own description of "E", the description of her hardly matches that of your own SD. She sounds like a smart girl who is making her way in this world. She is going to Medical School, she is only staying with them when she is on breaks (summer, winter). It doesn't sound like she is out-and-out terrible toward him. He never said that she doesn't clean up after herself, so I assume that she does. I think the problem between the 2 of them is that when "E" was a teenager she was maybe a little rebellious. She may have told therman "you're not my dad, and you can't tell me what to do". She probably senses the difference therman has made between her and his son, his own flesh and blood. I don't doubt that she resents the fact that he finds fault in so many of the things that she does. I'm just telling you, from her perspective, she's thinking..."God, I can't do anything right with him!" Just like you feel with your SD, how nothing you do can please her, that, I can imagine is how "E" feels with therman. I really think that if therman would just put all of that past disrespect aside and started fresh, really truly found forgiveness in his heart for her selfish, teenager behavior and saw her for the woman that she is now, he might just be able to have a really good relationship with her. There is no reason to dwell on the past unless the past continues to repeat itself, but sometimes changing your own attitude is necessary before good things can happen.

raek,

I always enjoy reading your posts.

First, let me just say that the opinions I have of my DH oldest daughter are just that : my opinions. The rest of her family and her father do not share the opinion I have of her. They don't seem to think she is childish, irresponsible, etc. etc. Her father says : i understand you sweetie. Her mother says : leave your husband and come and live with me. All you have to pay is your food! Her sister says : i will help you get your high school degree. Her brother says : i will buy presents for your kids! And on and on it goes.

She just quit her job and moved back to her mother's place with her two kids. You see. She cries a little bit and she gets what she wants! Makes me sick.

I hope one day they will see how spoil and jealous and mean she is. She has no friends. I never realized that until a little while ago. There must be a reason the only friend she has is her sister who is 8 years younger than her. Doesn't this say something about her!

Now to get back to your post. For years, I have tried and tried and tried to be nice to DH oldest daughter.

You say :

"I really think that if therman would just put all of that past disrespect aside and started fresh, really truly found forgiveness in his heart for her selfish, teenager behavior and saw her for the woman that she is now, he might just be able to have a really good relationship with her. "

Tell me Raek : why is it always the steparent who has ''to put away all the past disrespect''. etc. Why doesn't thurman's SD or my SD smarthen up at one point and realize they are not kids anymore and that they should stop being jealous and disrespectful towards the steparent and try to be nice and respectful towards them. Why? There is no way it must always be the steparent who tries to fix things. We have feelings too you know.

Keep posting.

Thanks Fleurs, I always enjoy reading your posts as well. To answer your question...because we are the ones on here looking for advice. We are the ones seeking change. And as Ghandi said "Be the change you want to see in the world". The only way to change things is to create that change for yourself. I'm not sure that you are getting my point though. I think that your SD continues to be irresponsible and hard to get along with. I think you HAVE tried, and I understand why you have thrown up your hands and said "no more". I don't blame you. I would do the same thing if I were you. I just don't think your situation and thermans are the same...it's like comparing apples and oranges. I think your SD is so wrapped up in herself that she doesn't appreciate things that ANYBODY does for her. It isn't just you. It is HER and it affects EVERYBODY around her in some way, although it gets under your skin more than it does the rest of her family, if they were to step back and really look at all they do for her and how little she gives in return, they would all see your point. I just don't believe that Therman's SD is the same way. It seems as if she does get along with and is respectful toward others, just not to Therman. I just believe the only way to affect change is to change something yourself. They say it is crazy to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. I just think in Therman's case, it would suit him to make a change, and if he does and then everything else remains the same, then he has a good reason to be mad and his wife should come in and support him at that point.

I just can easily put myself in "E"'s shoes and I can just feel the tension she must feel when she is around Therman. I would do all I could to avoid contact with him in order to avoid the tension if I were her and it sounds to me as if that is what she is doing. Just avoiding him and he views that as disrespect.

I'm not saying that stepparents are the only ones who should try to change things if they can. I have personally sent my SM flowers recently in an effort to change our relationship, and if more stepkids were on this site, I would say the same things to them. In order to change a person's attitude toward you, you have to change your behavior toward them.

One reason that it should be up to the stepparent who tries to fix things is that the stepchild had no say in being in the situation to begin with. The stepchild didn't ask for her parents to divorce; she didn't ask for them to remarry; she didn't select him to be her stepfather.

well raek,

I do understand your point and contrary to you I don't see any difference between my DH oldest daughter and thurman,s SD.

Both are rude and disrespectful. I don't care if one is to become a doctor and the other one god knows what. Both are SD's that believe we steparents owe them something, both have this sense of entitlement and both are disrespectful towards their steparent. Period.

The otherside says :
"One reason that it should be up to the stepparent who tries to fix things is that the stepchild had no say in being in the situation to begin with. The stepchild didn't ask for her parents to divorce; she didn't ask for them to remarry; she didn't select him to be her stepfather."

Fine, but why can't it be the bio parent that tries to fix things between the stepparent and the child! Why can't DH or Dear Wife try to fix things between thier child and the stepparent when the child is rude and disrespectful towards the stepparent?? The bio parent won't because he or she is afraid their child will abandon them forever and ever!!!!

I am expecting SD to come over to my place this weekend. I already feel sick to my stomach!

We are trying to raise children so they become decent adults. plain and simple.

We are expecting common courtesy that should be toward anyone. Not asking for miracles. My SC lacked basic manners. please and thank you were a foreign language.

When mom & dad were together they failed on parenting to deal with the bigger issue a failing marriage. Then mom & dad felt guilty for the divorce and instead of parenting again they continued to fail on parenting ... poor kids mom and dad split up.

I try to relate situations with mine to a situation they might face as an adult.

Cawfe and Fleurs...I can see both of your points and I agree with you in many ways. We should be respectful toward the people around us.

I've read all of your posts Cawfe, and it sounds like you really love these children and you are doing a wonderful job. Although they may not always treat you respectfully, you can rest assured that when they get older they will truly appriciate all you have done for them.

Fleurs...I guess we will have to agree to disagree on the difference or lack of difference between your SD and "E". I can really just put myself in "E's" shoes. I really think that she believes that she can do nothing right in therman's eyes, so she doesn't bother even trying. I just think if therman wants things to change, he really can make a move to make a change. What would it hurt to just try?

Thanks for all these great postings. From my perspective, it is not just that E does not treat me as I'd like to be treated. It's also about "justice." When my son misbehaves, Mom and I call him on it. When "E" is wrong, there's no judgement, no correction, nothing. It is as if she is perfect and does no wrong.

True, lots of her behaviors are subtle, even slick. In many cases, i think she has her mother fooled. Case in point: This weekend, my wife's phone was down, and was using another phone, and needed my cell phone number and assumed my stepdaughter had it. Of course she didn't. She gave some lame excuse like her memory card was replaced. I knew that wasn't true because she made sure she got my son's cell phone number before she left home the last time...and was replacing other numbers of cousins and friends. She didn't want mine in there. It's a subtle message-- these are the people who are important to me and you are not one of them. This is what she does when she takes pictures of "family"-- I'm never included. Or presents: I get a card, while the rest of the "Family" gets presents. I know the game: she's trying to send the message of "here are the people I care about, and you don't make the cut".

I'm not angry about that. Used to be hurt, but it's been almost 15 or more years of those games, and I'm over that. But it's the lying and deceit. My wife is pretending that there's this wonderful little E and horrible stepfather. That's just not true, and E loves playing it this way.

Btw, this is just one of a hundred things I could share about how she plays this game.

Thurman

Thurman,

Are you serious. This SD has honestly and truly given you " a card"" while the rest of the Family got a present.

Holy marcro. That is hard to take!
What did her mom say about this.

Do you give her presents?

Thanks everyone for your good feedback. I've gotten through another 5 day stretch. It was very difficult but my stepdaughter will at least be gone for a few days until she returns for a last two-week blast. Pray that I can keep it together.

My wife and I are having real marital problems right now, so she's even more defensive than ever about her daughter. Her daughter is clearly a major contributor, but truth be told, we'd grown distant even without her. I'm just trying to keep it all together for my son's sake, but I do wonder if this is worth it. It's not the life any of us wanted, except perhaps my son.

Thurman

I certainly feel for you. I have a very strained relationship with my DH because of his son, "C" and DH's behavior towards me. It started out very subtlely and slowly progressed. The first thing I remember was I was helping him with his homework. I told him he needed to redo a problem, he said "thats the way the teacher wanted it". But it was clearly incorrect. He yelled for his dad and said "she's being mean to me". As he got older he was "out to get me" and even told my youngest son this! But DH kept saying that I must be doing it all wrong - its how I speak to him, its how I treat him, I am not being the adult, etc..

I disengaged last year (been together for about 5yrs). If I hadn't I think I would have lost my mind! One time I caught "C" lying, I told my DH that we needed to talk to "C" so we had a talk all together. "C" said he wasn't lying and DH said "I don't know who to beleive". Excuse me? I was dumbfounded.

It was the double standard that really took a toll on me. We (me and my boys) have always been second. I had had enough. I told my DH that I would no longer say anything(as in if he did anything wrong, do activities with, etc...)(except for emergencies) and my stepson, "C" would have to ask him for everything. I just wasn't doing it anymore. Well DH only mirrored everything I did so it didn't help our relationship. I just didn't know what to do anymore and still don't.

Honeyblue

Dear honeyblue

My heart goes out to you. It is a very difficult situation to be a stepparent. Not only do you usually face challenges from the stepchild, but then your marital partner doesn't back you and also puts you on the same level as the child. I've been there! Very rough situation.

Thurman

I know this situation seems hopeless. And as you can see from many of the posts here, several people have the same enabling qualities as your wife. It is sad when any grown child is allowed to cause chaos in a household. And trust me Thurman if it were the other way around, and you were doing the "little" things that your SD was doing. These same "champions" would be rushing to her defense calling you the wicked step-father. Now, don't get me wrong I wouldn't in your wife's position expect E to treat you as her father. But as her mother's partner you deserve her respect. Tell me does her father have much involvement in her life? This site is for us as step-parent and parents alike to vent our frustrations and recieve feedback on how to make the situation better. That is what you are doing, and congratulations to you for being man enough to seek some help.. Many in your situation would never attempt to even try to make this situation work. I am not saying that some people that have posted negatively towards this situation don't have a point.. Raek is normally very well spoken and honestly seems to be trying to help. I have gained much knowledge from her in my own situation. But other's come here just to argue amongst themselves.. ALWAYS posting negative comments towards the step-parents, regaurdless of the situation at hand. You must learn to just ignore these and move on. My feelings are if they are not trying to help they are trying to hurt. Keep going Thurman, you owe it to yourself to try and better your family life. Take care

We, stepparents get a bad rap. There are not many people who get this and we rarely have support from family or friends because they have never been there! Or they didn't have a vindictive ex trying to cause trouble. My parents said you respect your elders and if we didn't we were punished - no exceptions.

I like my stepfather and stepmother but I wouldn't say they are my best friends either. We haven't seen eye to eye all the time. He came into the picture during my moody teen years and she was there from the time I was 5. But I still respect them and they respect me. I have had my stepmom over for dinner and my dad is no longer married to her! I have even had my mom, stepdad and dad (all together) over for BBQ's! There is no way in hello I would ever let DH's ex step in my house because of her behavior and put downs towards me. That is one difference! My parents can act like adults toward each other.

Honeyblue

Enjoy all your posts, fellow stepparents.

Well, I'm down to the last four nights before "E" leaves for her new job out-of-state. She is a real trip, and I'm on "E-fatigue" right now. Feel myself ready to explode at her, but I'm trying to keep it together.

She's got a new, subtle way to disrespect me. It's called "Ms. Contrary and Correction." If I say the "sky is blue," she'll say something stupid like "it's not really blue, but it has white streaks." I mean, once in a while, I can see it, but now it's almost every other sentence. It's getting on my last nerve. Can you believe this kid is going to be 30 soon, and that she will be a medical doctor?

Also-- I was feeling a little angry. She had two parties for graduating med school, and some folks got up to say how wonderful "E" was. I almost gagged. Don't they know the real "E"?

4 more days, 4 more days, 4 more days.

Thurman

I still think that "E" can sense your feelings toward her and she treats you that way because of your attitude about her. We all can tell when people don't like us and don't want us around and when that person is married to your parent it isn't easy to be light and airy and kind to that person.

I know that you don't see your own part in all of this, but you may want to try to re-examine the situation becuase although all that she does is not right, all that you do is not right either, so be the adult and make a change.

"ome folks got up to say how wonderful "E" was. I almost gagged. Don't they know the real "E"?"

Maybe they do know the real "E," and the one you see is colored by your negative feelings toward her.

Thurman said, earlier in this thread,
"There is some light at the end of the tunnel in that she leaves in 5 days...and she goes in July to a 3-year medical residency."

I suspect that his SD, now several months into her medical residency, was stressed out about something - which I would imagine is quite common among new Residents - and briefly thought about changing positions, and getting a residency close to home.

I got you on the little scores accumulating to build one enormous pile of rage that could seriously explode. How many little bitty nit-picky things can one person tolerate in one day. especially when each and every one is intentionally aimed to upset you and only you. even when you have specifically asked that these things not be done in your home. and of course these little things many I'm sure at one time you pointed out to your wife, but she acts as if she has a blind eye to these things because they don't effect her. This SD sounds just like my SS (step-demon) the two of them would love more than anything in this world for us to just disappear, the more she gets to you the more she will keep at you, she figures sooner or later you will blow over some little event blown way out proportion and you'll be gone. Then she has the full attention and devotion of mommy again, mommy is the one thing she can depend on, and you are stealing some of mommy's love, fear of losing any love makes her want you gone. In my case if SS would just back off take a little responsibilty for himself, he would gain love, to them it's all or nothing, can't they see by that sharing just a tiny portion of their parents heart, they can gain an enormeous amount of love support in addition to what they already have. She does think about how hurt mommy would be to lose you, only that she resents you and your son's presence. I don't want to be stepmom or step anything, i love his father I want to take of this man till we grow old and die, I want this man to be happy, Is this not what SS should also want, for that reason alone I deserve respect in my home, and so do you. These kids ought to be thankful their parent has someone that loves them enough to welcome stepchildren, and try to do right by them.