I would revel in her perception. And have serious questions about anyone who would call a child that word for this. You say it is trivial. Let it go.

The whole purpose of your stepdaughter doing that is to make sure she doesn't engage in a conversation with you where you can actually enjoy and share perceptions together. It is a distancing tool she is using to keep you away from her. If your wife doesn't value your well-being, the daughter will continue to get away with these slights.

And KKNY it isn't trivial:D

KKNY didnt say it was trival,thurman did. And I agree with KKNY.Your the adult in the situation,and you should let it go.Alot of kids do this and it has nothing to do with not wanting to get closer.

Hello folks

Thanks for your replies. Just a quick note that the s/d is 27. She's not living here anymore (yet! see my other post on refusing adult s/d to come home). But she'll be here for five days of Christmas. Not very merry.

End of discussion. A lot of 27 year old kids do this.

Maybe she just doesnt agree with what he says.And yes,even biological 27 year old kids do this with their biological parents.Perhaps it is her way of trying to be an individual seperate of them?

Regardless,since he did say it was trival,why not just ignore it? Or say something like,"Whatever" and walk away?

He COULD talk to his wife,but since SD really isnt doing anything that wrong it might seem petty.You know the saying,pick your battles?

Thurman said she does it over trivial things. He didn't say he thought it was trivial.

It is just a little endearing thing that she does.

It would help if he gave an example besides just "The sky is blue" because maybe she is trying to be philosophical.Or maybe she just sees it differently.

Or maybe she is doing it to bother him.Without more info,I find it impossible to really give an opinion.It could be interpreted a million ways.
I have a brother in law who does this.I dont think he does it to be a pain though.I think he really thinks that what he is saying is right and that is why he does it.

If a co-worker did it .. how would you react???

Use that same technic....

She's "doing it" to get a rise out of you. She knows its demeaning and pisses you off ... thats why she "keeps" doing it.

Negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Or maybe she does it because he is not precise enough. Or because she sees ambiguity where he sees black and white.

How many shades of grey are there????

My son does it to get a rise out of me. It used to work until I figured it out. I ignore it and he doesn't do it as often. He still does it sometimes and laughs when I fall into his trap. I agree with cawfecup, don't give it any energy and see if that helps.

You know, I got to appreciate my exH - he certainly has his faults, but at least he was never whiny.

Quite honestly, thurman, I think if I were your stepdaughter, I'd disrespect the hell out of you, too. You have picked and picked at every single thing this woman does, from acting like a normal older sister toward her younger brother, up to and including being angry because people were saying nice things about her at HER OWN PARTY for graduating med school. And you've apparently been her stepfather since she was somewhere in grade school age? You think she didn't pick up on this attitude? If I'd spent a large portion of my childhood being picked and picked at for every stupid, childish thing I did (being a child and all) in my own home, or every disrespectful thing I did as a teenager, (as all teens do), or every annoying habit I had (which we all have) I'd have a pretty big chip on my shoulder toward the person, too. Maybe you can learn to deal with her disrespect by taking an honest look at your history with her and seeing if, from HER point of view, you've maybe done a thing or two to earn it? By itself, that won't solve the problem, but if you can see that your disrespectful relationship is a two-way street, maybe you can try to start figuring out a way to modify it. If you expect her to just stop ever doing anything to annoy you or anger you (and if that includes having parties where people say nice things about her to celebrate her accomplishments), I can't imagine things improving any.

Amen Quirk...I have mentioned some of the same things in Thurman's earlier posts. I think that the only behavior Thurman is capable of changing is his own. To me it sounds as though he is only interested in what his SD does wrong. She can do no right. I wonder if he has ever praised her for any right behavior in her entire life or if he can only see and point out the things she does wrong. I'm sure her mother is definsive of her because she sees this critcism of her daughter and feels she needs to take her side.

Thurman...your SD is quite aware of how you feel about her. I'm sure of it. How can you expect to get respect if you are not capable of giving it? Who cares that she is 27? That would make you at least 47...I'm guessing. You need to grow up. You need to see how you contribute to the negative behavior. You need to CHANGE YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND ATTITUDE AND QUIT BEING SO CONCERNED WITH HERS! IT IS ONLY 5 DAYS FOR GOD'S SAKE.

Have you ever heard the phrase "the eyes are the windows to your soul"? Without breaking it down, so are your words and actions. They are brilliant because they are powerful. They are powerful because once said and done, they are hard to reverse. "I love you", once said, is hard to reverse. You cannot say, "Oops. I mean I don't love you." When you cast a sour or disgusted glance, and it is seen by it's intended person, you can't truly undo it. As if you could get away with explaining that that wasn't the look of me shooting daggers out of my eyes and into yours.

Soooo, Thurman, do you really think of your daughter as an A-hole. When I first read that, my own heart felt a little stab of pain and hurt. My son is 8 and my stepdaughter is 18. Both of them are terrors when they want to be to one another and to US (2 bios/2steps). They both have a field day just being kids, being the center of attention, making people bend over backwards for them, perfecting the art of the blame game, and a whole host of other delicious treats that the adults have to "handle".

It's the part of being a parent (of any label) that becomes the gift...and not the part of being a parent that becomes the chore. Looking at this as a gift allows us to be better parents and go in with arms and eyes wide open. Looking at this as a chore makes us feel like we are walking on a razor thin blade...makes us dissect every aspect of someone's existence and worth...and makes us think and say nasty things.
The chore person is like that person we get caught with in the elevator. They are wearing that heavy cologne that's so thick and smelly that we (including chore person) feel like we are drowning in a sea of oxygen and trying to find a way to "handle" it.

If you live in disharmony in your household, then chances are that the others around you are feeling it too.

For example, if you treated your son with a smile every morning and gave your stepdaughter a grunt and a scowl, then I'd be correcting what you say too.

We are taught that respect is a two way street...but it is also earned. Mostly we, the adults, teach our children. But there are those special occassions when our children teach us a thing or two.

Good luck.

Hi Thurman,

I remember at the same time last year reading one of your post in regards to your SD coming to your home for the holidays and how it was stressing you out.

I have continued reading your posts since then and i always finding interesting you cuz your situation reminds me alot of my relationship with my oldest SD.

For years and years and years, she has always managed to get me upset with her attitude towards me, constantly laughing at my English, constantly ignoring me when i would take part in a conversation, always, always, always getting what she wanted from DH even if what she asked for had a negative effect on DH's and I relationship. I've seen myself having to cancel an entire holidays to please SD's demands and wants. Believe it or not i've had to go for counseling because of her; i believe i've read every single book there is to be read on detachment, disengaging, etc. I honestly thought i was going crazy because of her; i couldn't believe that even though i am practically twice her age, that this person had such a negative effect on me!

Last April, enough was enough. I got the book that was suggested on this forum called The Dance of Anger and i went away for 8 days. Never called home. I spent this time taking care of myself and making the decision that i would not take part in this person's life ANYMORE unless i had to!

When she came over to our house, i would not even invite her to sit down. (I figured her father could do that or that she was old enough to take a chair and sit down; i did not go out and buy her a birthday card/gift like i have been doing for the last 18 years; i did not invite her to the cottage; i did not answer the phone when i knew she was calling and most importantly i tried doing all of these things without feeling guilty for once and remembering that i was doing it for ME, for my mental health, because i did not need a person like her to disturb my emotional, physical, and spiritfual health. I didn 't care what DH thought. I really didn't. If it meant putting an end to 18 yrs of our lives together, so be it! I' ve told him often that the relationship between his daughter and i was what it was because of him, that for far too long he had let her disrespect me because of his ''guilty feelings'' he had to deal with! I always told DH that if i had had a daughter who would have disrespected him the way his oldest daughter has disrespected me (after 14 yrs of knowing, on the day of her wedding everybody and their dog had a corsage, but me. And yet, i had gone to the bank with the father to get a loan so WE could give her some $ for a wedding gift. She had NEVER, NEVER thanked me for the wedding gift. Oh well!), I would have literally slapped him across the head.

Since last April, this SD had called me for Mothers'Day (first time in 18 yrs.)

Since last April, this SD has offered me a birthday gift and a nice card with truly nice words in them especially for me.

Since last April, this SD has even called me home to tell me there was something being shown in tv that she knows i love and wanted to make sure i knew it was on TV.

I could go on and on and ...but what i am trying to say is once i truly made an effort to disengage from her, from her nastiness and all and started thinking about my health in terms of my relationship with her, things started changing for the best! In fact, i can hardly believe this SD who for years and years has been disrespectful towards me.....is starting to see/feel/know that she no longer has a hold on me! When she would talk and we were all around, i would not even reply to her remarks, comments or anything that came out of her mouth. I acted like she didn't exist.

This being said, there are still times like tonight, when i know she will be at our house, that i get a little uptight!But i keep reminding myself that i don't have to stay in the same room she is in; i don't have to sit there and entertain her(Her father can do that. I've done that way too long!).

I do what is best for me. I can only hope that this year, you will truly truly make an effort to go away with or without your son while this SD is visiting your home during Xmas. Do it! You won't regret it!

Keep posting!

Okay, I may be way way off base and out of line here...and if so, I apologize in advance. This is just how I am interpreting your comments.

Reading THurmans posts, I get the distinct feeling that he is dissatisfied with his wife and his marriage, and his focus on a stepdaughter who doesnt even live there is his outlet for expressing that. He appears to be fed up with the wife at least as much as he is fed up with the daughter.

Perhaps he is just looking for an out of a marriage that no longer contents him.

Just my gut reaction to his posts.