Nikemama

I do not think that it is wise for spouses to have friends of the opposite sex if those friendships would encourage the spouse to confide in the friend when they should be talking to their spouse....that is not what your post was about though.....you probably over reacted with the Internet post. I do not blame you for not being pleased that the ex girl friend called or calls your new hubby. What I would have liked for him to do, if it were my husband, was to call the ex girl friend in my presence and tell her to please not call again. Since they lived together, they slept together and that is not something that I would want to deal with should she still call. Having to deal with an ex because of children is one thing and it is the only reason that I would think it would be acceptable to have an ex in your life. Especially if it bothered your husband or wife. If it doesn't bother some people then fine but it would bother me. Your spouses feelings are the most important and the ex should be just that, IMHO, an EX. Does my opinion show that I would insecure and jealous? Yes it does. I would be just that. The past for me is the past, I expect it to be that way for my husband. We started a new life when we married. The old things (relationships) were put to rest, dead and buried. RIP to them all.

I agree with believer. If an ex is still contacting your husband it sounds to me like she still has feelings for him. If she found someone else she would confide in him. The only reason an ex should still be in contact is if there are kids involved.

Your husband should have answered that phone in front of you so he can show you he has nothing to hide from you.

I think if you received a phone call from your ex, your husband would be questioning you too. Ex's should be left ex's and find new friends to confide in.

Nikemama,

I've got to say Big OUCH to Believer's idea of having your husband call up the ex in front of you and tell her not to call again.

I have a male friend who is an ex boyfriend whose now ex-wife demanded that he do that exact thing to me. He did what she asked and called me to say he could not be in touch while she was on the other line. That episode was very humiliating for him and to this day he says that he never felt the same way about his wife, now ex-wife afterward. He says it changed how she looked in his eyes. She got what she wanted and suffered for it. I am still in his life as a friend and she is now an unmarried ex-wife.

If it is that big of a deal to you, then just tell hubby that you are not comfortable with her being in touch with him and vice versa. How important is this to you anyway? Enough to humiliate your husband publicly on MySpace? things never turn out right when they are forced.

I agree with lamom, if he does call her in front of you, it should be because HE wants to, not because you are making him. Besides being humiliated, he may not mean it and will eventually resent being controlled like that. I have gotten a call from a guy I hardly knew where his new girlfriend was on the phone & he had to call everyone in his cell phone directory and tell them he was off the market. I was embarrassed for him and thought very little of her. I actually felt sorry for him and sad for her to feel she has to mark her man. My DH has his two of his ex's on myspace. I have my daughter's fathers wife on mine.

Also, someone asked if he has given her reason to not trust him but I am a firm believer that jealousy is not about the other person, it's how you feel about yourself.

"Am I over reacting?"

NO.I think a healthy marriage shouldnt have all these old relationships as distractions! Why throw yourself into the eye of temptation???
I dont think people who say it is normal to have these past relationships around really GET IT.
First of all,with women,they say the Number one sexual fantasy women have is with (ding,ding,ding) ex boyfriends!
Why? Because it is familar and easy to fall back into.

Op's DH has more of a chance of letting something happen with an ex,then with a stranger.Why purposely take those chances with your marriage?
Especially since Op's husband LIVED with this woman after his divorce?
I would not trust the situation,and I would not be happy about it either.Ex GF needs to BACK OFF.

"I think it told you all you need to know that he hung up before her message was even finished. That's a very clear indication that he isn't even interested in remaining friends with her."

Or he was afraid his wife would here something he didnt want her to hear!

ilove....I'm afraid that was the first thing that came to my mind.

as the wife I would expect that my feelings should come before an ex girlfriend's. I see no reason why the husband could not politely say to the ex girl friend " I am married now and my wife has a problem with you and I keeping in touch. My marriage is my main priority and although I don't want to hurt your feelings I feel it would be in the best interest of my marriage and my wife's feelings that you not call me again. I wish the best for you and would hope that you could be understanding about what I am requesting."......Obviously to each his own in the area of keeping ex's as friends. I do not think that it is unreasonable for a husband or wife to expect the other to not have an ex as a friend.

I was friends ( and JUST friends ) with a man before he met his wife. He had been very involved with my son and his daughter was best friends with my daughter. When he became serious with "Jen" he brought her over to meet me. When they had their first baby he called me and the kids and I went out to hospital and took gifts. I also made dinner for them when she was sent home from the hospital. She must have not wanted the friendship to continue because he never called to even do any thing with the kids. I was hurt for my son because it seemed that every man in his life left him and it did tick me off a bit and hurt my feelings. She must have been jealous or unsure of what our relationship had really been. I thought that was odd since I was 12 years older than he was and not nearly as attractive as she was but for whatever reason she wanted it to stop. Her call, she was the wife. Now that I am married again I understand it. Had the shoe been on the other foot I would have wanted me out of the picture too.

believer, Just like you, I have another male (just a friend , not an ex) friend whose 2nd wife had him distance himself from all female friends. She was from out of town and I tried for about a year to cultivate friendship with her. His wife and I are related through marriage coincidentally. After 8 years of the cold shoulder, my friends wife made overtures of friendship to me at a family gathering of our mutual relatives. She got angry because I avoided her as much as I could. Actually confronted me as to why I was avoiding her! Huh? Now, why would this woman who broke up a valuable friendship years ago think that now that she feels better about her marriage that I would want to be a friend to her??? When we returned from the family gathering which was out of town, she e-mailed me inviting me to go somewhere with her. I didn't bother to even answer her. I felt before and still feel now that she is a very small person. Most of my friends female friends are also married and could have been good couple friends. We've talked and all feel the same.

I think having friends of the opposite sex is ok.I think Ex LOVERS is asking for trouble though...because you always have that HISTORY with them.Usually,there is at least one person who still has some feelings there too.Not many break ups are mutual.

At least for me,my ex lovers used to try to put the moves on me,knowing full well I'm with someone else.I dont want that temptation,so I just dont talk to them anymore.
My husband also feels the same after a bout with his ex.

His story:
I had once posted a Looooong time ago a problem that my husband's ex GF started sending him letters in the mail after not talking to him for 17 years.Saying she's been looking everywhere for him and finally found him.That she thinks about him all the time and then signs it "Love".

I called her number she enclosed and left a message saying yes,she found him and he is MARRIED so she can stop looking now.
The letters continued.She sent them UPS so only he can sign for them! She said his wife seems jealous and that if he needs to talk privately when she isnt around that's ok(!!!)She goes on to say how she has missed him so much and still loves him.
I was furious at the audacity of this woman
(and couldnt believe how desperate she was saying these things to someone she hasnt seen in 17 years!!!).

Finally,I made him call her,while I was sitting right there~and tell her that he WAS NOT INTERESTED and to LEAVE HIM ALONE.
She stopped sending letters,but later she found him on MY SPACE.She began trying to bad mouth me to him (your wife doesnt have any pics of you on her profile,she must not love you very much)
He really let her have it and told her she didnt know me from Adam and to watch her mouth when talking about me.That I have been there for him more then anyone in his life ever has.Finally,she left him alone...

"I dont want that temptation,so I just dont talk to them anymore."

Here is the thing, YOU made the decision to not talk to them anymore because YOU did not want the temptation.

I'm not going to defend your husband's ex's actions, clearly she was still interested in him. I will however agree that she is right to say you seemed jealous. From your description of your own behavior, you acted insecure & jealous. In the end, you say your husband really let her have it. He should have done that in the beginning, before you had a chance to confront her. and you should never have had to force him to call her with you sitting right there and make him tell her he's not interested. I'd be embarrassed to admit it if I had to do that with my husband.

There's really nothing horrible about a person wondering what happened to someone great they used to have feelings for. It happens all the time, usually after a divorce or death. Perhaps if your husband hadn't sent out mixed signals in the beginning, or if he was more directly clear about his boundaries she might have backed off and left him alone. It takes two to keep it going and he could have blocked her on myspace and refused to take her calls. He didn't have to wait until she was bad mouthing you.

In any case, it's not up to OP to run off any potential threats. It's up to each person to be responsible for their own actions. We can't control the other person...

"In the end, you say your husband really let her have it. He should have done that in the beginning,"

My husband is a nice guy to the fullest.He does not like Confrontation,so his way to deal with it,was just like OP's husband and try to ignore it and hope it went away.
He didnt let her have it until she crossed that line of attacking me PERSONALLY.
Yes,I was jealous and insecure,but I had reasons to be. I had been physically ill when this happend (I dont feel I need to tell you all with what,and it was a very hard time for me.I doubted alot of things and I doubted myself)

"There's really nothing horrible about a person wondering what happened to someone great they used to have feelings for"

Of course not,but there IS something wrong with someone,who hasnt seen you in over 17 telling you they are in love with you.17 years! People can change an awful lot in that amount of time.Saying I love you is beyond desperate and pathetic.Especially when she cheated on him and left him for a drug dealer.

"he could have blocked her on myspace and refused to take her calls"
He only didnt,because by the time she found him on my space,I was feeling much more secure and said it was ok.I wondered if I had over reacted before.He really didnt want to accept her,but didnt want to be an @ss either,so he just did.
Anyways, picking apart my story doesnt help OP.This happend AGES ago so I dont need advice on it and to know what I should or shouldnt have done.I probably would have handled things differently if it happend now,but that's the beauty of hindsight.

Believer and lamom's stories were more about a friend of the opposite sex.I only wanted to share an actual EX LOVER situation.
"YOU made the decision to not talk to them anymore because YOU did not want the temptation"

And it works for us.Doesnt sound as if Op wants her husband having that temptation either...

iloveexercise, I wasn't trying to pick apart you post. You say "Doesnt sound as if Op wants her husband having that temptation either..." and my point is it's not up to her. If he has temptation, she can't control that. She can force him to tell his ex not to call but what if he WANTS to talk to her? What if he thinks about her too? What good does it do to try to control what someone else does, thinks or feels? It is on the husband to decide his wife (and her feelings) is more important to him than being friends with his ex. Just as your husband should not have put you through a minute of aggravation, no matter how nice a guy he is trying to be. (btw, it wasn't being nice to you, it was being nice to her) That's just my opinion.

If I had to force my husband to stop talking to anyone, ex or anyone else, it would always be in the back of my mind "does he WANT to talk to her? Does he still think of her?" and eventually, it would probably cause me to be insecure or jealous. You can't keep temptation from others, they have to do that for themselves. and there's always going to be someone that might fling themselves at our spouse... might be an ex, co-worker, or just a lonely person that sees him/her as great and thinks he/she is being neglected and unappreciated by the person they are with. I don't respect someone that would fling themselves at a married person, but the married person is responsible for THEIR actions.

"Of course not,but there IS something wrong with someone,who hasnt seen you in over 17 telling you they are in love with you.17 years!"

I have a neighbor, who is in his 70's, very frail and in a wheelchair. A couple of years ago he and his DW went to his high school reunion. A lady that he probably hasn't seen since graduation told him she still loved him and had all these years. This was with his DW present so I feel like she wasn't serious, just talking. Well, the man can't get that off his mind. He has told us the story numerous times. Seems like that's all he thinks about. Pathetic. I wonder how many times his wife has heard it. She doesn't appear to be concerned at all.

Personally I do not believe in the whole "Staying friends with the Ex" thing. I think it's crap. Everyone (including myself) that I know who tried to keep up relations with an Ex always wound up in an uncomfortable situation.

I tried to remain friends with an Ex and he wound up trying to kiss me and it was just an extremely uncomfortable situation because I had to reject him. He was embarrased and I was mortified.

The bottom line to me is most men enjoy being around men telling fart jokes and watching football and most women like talking about Ashton Kutcher and going shopping together. There isn't alot of men and women who can just chat and hang out constantly unless there is some attraction sexually there or the guy is gay. I have a few really good gay guy friends but we can semi-RELATE because we have alot of similiar interests. An extra bonus is I don't have to worry about them getting wierd on me and every straight man I was ever "friends" with always got wierd.

I don't call to chat or try to hang out with any hetero-males....especially not Ex's. Jonathan would NOT appreciate it (and I wouldn't blame him because I wouldn't dig it either) and I really have no desire to anyway since I have nothing to say to any of them aside from "Hey, how's it going" if I run into them on the street.

If an Ex is calling all the time and sending emails all the time and wanting to meet up for coffee or lunch all the time....something is wrong with that picture. That's just my honest opinion based on past experience.

"She got what she wanted and suffered for it. I am still in his life as a friend and she is now an unmarried ex-wife."

Nothing personal but this is a creepy kindof statement I would expect from an Ex. There is some level of competition to keep up relations with this man for a statement like this to even be made at all.

I think the OP did overreact in how she handled it but I would of also have been suspicious if it seemed like he was trying to cover up the call by not answering and not listening to the message in front of me. I think the fellow could of handled it a little better as well.

I am also with beliver that having close friends of the opposit sex can encourage what relationship specialists call "emotional cheating" where the person confides more in the ex or "friend" than the spouse. This is normally the for-runner of an affair. It's best just to avoid the situation all together.

J and I have mutual friends that are the opposite sex but they respect our relationship. By this I mean if our friend Haley calls she speaks to us BOTH. If our friend Justin calls to check on the pregnancy he speaks to J first to say hello. It isn't like they exclusively call one or the other and exclude the other. We are treated as a unit.

This is how I gage friends VS. threat. If the person in question is trully only a friend to the husband/wife than that person would show some interest in also being friends with the spouse of the same sex. They would naturally want to be friends or at least friendly with their friends wife/husband. If they show absolutely no interest in even meeting you....BEWARE.

IMa,I agree with alot of what you are saying,and I'm NOT saying OP should force her husband to do anything.I just think that she may have reasons for feeling jealous/upset/concerned about this.
I dont think it does any good to try to control what someone else does,thinks or feels.However,if OP suspects he is LYING about how close his relationship is with ex GF,then she DOES have a right to know what is going on so she can decide whether or not SHE wants to stay with him.

Maybe I'am a paranoid thinker,but if my husband had his voicemail on speaker and his EX came on and he suddenly turned it off~that to me would be VERY SUSPICIOUS.

I sent her a personal email to her No one but she and I could read it, Woman to woman. Hubby hung up the message and listen to it when I wasn't within ear shot. When I questioned him about the call I asked him what his feelings would have been had I got the same call and he agreed that he would have been no less pleased and he also doesn't want ME having friendships with my X's either so I left the woman the following message:

You don't know me but I wanted to pass along our best wishes for your new Grandchild. I am sure with your help your daughter will be a great mother.

I also wanted to let you know that T**** and I got married last July. He is happy and doing well, so are C***** and K******. I am sure that you didn't know he was married or you wouldn't have called him.

Have a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.

We exchanged maybe 3 more messages each before I finally told her to find new friends and do not call again. So far as I know DH has not contacted her. I feel like if DH needs a woman to talk to he can talk to me or one of his 4 sisters. But nothing good can come from talking to this woman.

I don't believe in staying friends with exes. I'm with someone who feels the same way. He's had an ex contact him and I've had an ex contact me. Both times it was through email. We hit delete and neither of us have heard from those exes.

It's far better to ignore a person if you want them to go away. When you decide to go the no contact route, you have to be persistent and ignore every attempt they make to talk to you.

Nikemama,you and I sound alot alike,LOL.For your sake I hope this is it and she doesnt call anymore!
Did she say anything when you told her to stop calling and find new friends?
That is heavy.

My exact wording was along the same lines at the first but much more firm in what I expected of her. No she hasn't sent any reply yet but she may. I thought she might call my husband and try to talk to him about it. If she has he hasn't let on even a little.

I wouldn't be comfortable maintaining close friendships with any of my Ex's. But whenever one calls out of the blue after several years (it's happened 4 or 5 times, different Ex's each time), then I'm always pleasant, polite but not encouraging, and be sure to mention how I'm married to a wonderful man and am very happy. Then I tell my husband about it and reassure him that He's the one I chose and that I'm so glad I did.

"I feel like if DH needs a woman to talk to he can talk to me or one of his 4 sisters. But nothing good can come from talking to this woman".
I agree with you 100%. I would be quite irritated if someone called my husband on a regular basis to chat it up.
Every relationship has it's cycles and rough spots. I wouldn't want to think my husband is sharing sensitive information during one of those times with a female confindante. Its human nature to want a shoulder to cry on when feeling down or misunderstood. I would want that shoulder to be mine. The people that think it's an insecurity to feel that way are missing the point that things can happen when a person is in a vulnerable spot. This may sound sexist but most men don't seem to recognize when a woman is making a subtle move until it's too late.

I have not read all the posts but I will give you my 2 cents.

I would be bothered by the fact that your dh did not want you to listen to the voicemail. It would make me think he has something to hide. I recently got a phone call on my cell from a guy I dated and broke up with 6 years ago. I have not seen or talked to this guy since. He left me a message recently saying he could not get me out of his mind and he missed me and wanted to hear my voice! I found it strange and kind of disturbing after all this time... I called my ex and left him a voicemail saying we have nothing to talk about and I am married and do not want him to call me again.

I saved the voicemail from my ex and let my dh listen to it. I also told him about my call back to my ex. We don't keep secrets from eachother. And he did not ask to call him back.

I think that this was for your dh to deal with. He should be the one calling and telling the girl to not call. You doing it just makes you sound jealous and the girl will not take you seriously.

Well I asked DH if he had heard anymore from her. I had told him I was going to email her MYSPACE. So he wanted to know if I had done that. I told him that I had and I let him read a printed off copy of what was exchanged. He was pleased with the way I handled it. If we hear from her again I will be shocked. DH just don't have a mean bone in his body. He would have just never called her and she would have wondered and maybe tried again some other time. Now she knows. I don't think he was keeping anything from me he just knew I would be upset. He really didn't want to deal with the drama. We have 4 children living at home. My 3 sons, and his 1 son, then every other weekend we have his daughter. So with 5 kids to tend to having unwanted crap is just a burden that just doesn't need to be. I would rather nip it in the bud and not think about it anymore. I trust him but nobody would want another woman offering her husband the friendship that is for me to have. DH is my best friend and we are newly wed so we are still molding our lifes to be what we both want it to be.

"This is how I gage friends VS. threat. If the person in question is trully only a friend to the husband/wife than that person would show some interest in also being friends with the spouse of the same sex. They would naturally want to be friends or at least friendly with their friends wife/husband. If they show absolutely no interest in even meeting you....BEWARE."

I definitely agree with this. While I also prefer to keep up at least decent relations with ex's (mainly b/c it beats lingering ill will and ---I find--- actually REDUCES any sexual tension), it's important to have these relations be transparent to your partner. I don't think you have to CONSULT or "ask permission" of your partner necessarily if you choose to contact an ex... but they should be informed, or at the very least you shouldn't go out of your way to HIDE communications. And yes, if you're one of the ex's, it's the proper thing to make sure one way or the other that the current partner knows you're aroudn and that you are in no way looking to "move in on" your ex. I've had several ex's of mine contact me within the last few years, and many of them are married. I have made it a point to drop hints to them that I'd like their wives to know we're in contact. With one ex who is a loooong-term family friend, I address most all correspondence to them both and frequently ask how the wife and kids are doing. I think someone in that position has the obligation to do their part to keep things open and non-threatening, or else they run the risk of being mistrusted, and perhaps with good reason...

But one thing I must add: I might be really, really atypical in this, but I have never wanted to get back with an ex in any kind of romantic or sexual way. Regardless of who-broke-up-with-who. I don't know if that's because I've grown really good at moving on and closing the door on past feelings out of self-protection, or if I'm kind of like a guy and thrive more on 'novelty' & someone I *haven't* been with before, or just all too aware of how many "fish in the sea" there are so it's not worth the drama or sleaz factor of getting in a love triangle with an ex and their current partner... But I admit that for me, once the door is closed on a past romantic/sexual attraction, it's closed and it'd actually be very difficult for me to summon up the old romantic/sexual attraction again. But, sure, the desire to stay friends can remain. Even with that, though, it's pretty unlikely that an ex would be one of my CLOSEST friends. I just prefer to keep up harmonious connections, even if they're fairly distant or superficial...

serenity you are rather typical. i see nothing unusual in not wanting to have roamntic things wiht exes. yikes. i don't know anyone in real life who gets together with their exes in romantic way. so i would assume it is ATYPICAL to be romantically interested in exes.

as about being friends. i ocassionally talk to one of my exboyfriends, but it is maybe like once in two-three years "happy new year and wish you well" that's about it. just superficial. not a friendship.

the only ex I regurarly talk to is my ex-husband and it is for the obvious reasons.

i do have a high school boyfriend who didn't leave me alone for many years after i left him even when I was married and it was pretty annoying. he started his advances again after i got divorced. then gave up and resumed it now again. recently he reapparered again wanting to know if I am not remarried and if we can get together. I haven't seen him for many years and have no interest in ever seeing. not romantically not friends. just see nothing in it and I find it hillarious that he would still bother me that many years after.

oh wow you do have a lot of kids in a family, so your DH has his hands full. under these circustances I certainly do not see any need in him talking to this woman. and excatly, if he feels a need to talk to a woman, who is not his wife (like finding woman's opinion), he can always talk to his sisters. your Dh has a big family now and I don't see any place in it for some exgirlfiends.

I have had an on-again-off-again relationship so I guess you could say that *technically* I've been attracted to & gotten back with an "ex", but in this situation it's really more the case that the "offs" were never full "offs" because they didn't last very long and the frequency/intensity of our contact never really changed. It must have something to do with the necessity of having enough of a period of full "closure" for the door on the feelings to be really shut. At least for me, and right now i'm only talking about my patterns...

FD, I'm like you in that I don't tend to find the whole "high school boyfriend lookin' to rekindle" scenario very exciting at all. Perhaps to some it's romantic, but to me it would smack more of a person who never really moved on and it would feel pretty obsessive... not exactly a turn-on.

She has a lot of nerve. It is a good thing I can't get hold of her right now. I can't believe she is still insisting she have contact with him. This is making MY redneck Flair up.

His X SAID>>>

You are correct, I do now know how you feel, but when I hear it from T*****, that he doesn't wish to speak to me any longer, then I will stop calling. You obviously don't know or trust the man you married, like I know him. T*** is a very true and honest man. I have been his friend for many years; before, during and after his marriage to M****, and I will be here for him always.

What I told her>>>

If you know him as well as you think you do then you would know that he would rather cut off his arm then hurt someones feelings. I gave him a copy of this whole exchange and he was satisfied that I did the right thing. It doesn't have anything to do with my trust in T*****it has to do with a woman sticking herself where she doesn't belong. If he wanted to talk to you he would have called you back. Keep calling him and make yourself look like dumb a**. Your making yourself look desperate. He has a wife and 4 sisters what would he need with you. Your time with T**** is over you need to face that and get some counseling or something.

BTW...It really gets my goat that she is trying to say she knows my husband better then me. AND if he had been with her before M*****, M***** would have not have stood for her having contact either. He talks like M**** didn't allow him to do anything even go to say Hooters.

BTW that high school BF of mine recently had stroke (at 42?!) and right after that emailed me again talking about how he can't forget me. lol he does not even know how i look now. maybe i got ugly. haha the most dispicable thing he did once. i was maybe 30 or so. he called and started talking how he cannot forget me and how he loves me, he did sound drunk i have to say. i said no thank you and hung up. right after that i found out that his wife was actually about 7 month pregnant at the time. ouch. he probably called hoping for sex or soemhting. i lost all respect for him. gross.

yes i agree with you serenity, I think on-and-off is a bit different from feeling romantic towards exes. on-and-off is not exactly ex.

so this woman was with him during his marriage? this does not sound right. if she was his girlfriend, i don't understand how could that be possible. ask your DH how long he knows this woman? and yes i agree most men do not like confrontation or direct communication so they would rather hide than tell a woman to get lost.

nikemama, If your husband is not calling her back and she keeps calling... ignore her. She is probably getting off on the exchange with you and if you both ignore her, it won't be so fun for her after a while. She tells you she knows him better than you, she tells him she was around before, during and after his ex, she knows what buttons to push on you and if I were you, I'd totally ignore her. Yes, she does sound a bit mental and desperate... but she also knows how to keep you engaged in battle. They don't have kids, there is no reason for him to stay in contact with her, and if he isn't contacting her at all... eventually she will get tired of talking to the wall and go away. If he is talking to her outside your presence and not telling you, which might give her hope or encouragement, then your problem is with him, not her.

I agree with the caller. You dont trust your husband. It is his job to tell her not to call, especially since their friendship predates his previous marriage.

Trying to control who your spouse talks to sends the message that you dont consider your spouse grown up enough or mature enough to handle their own social contacts. You have no reason to be mad at this woman. SHe is a long term friend.

Your husband should be the one telling her not to call. IT may be in bad taste for her to call, knowing it bothers you, but you are the one taking it to a confrontational level. If she is as immature about it as you are, then it could easily become a power struggle. Let your husband handle it. If he refuses to do so, well, that sends you a message too.

God,all of this is so similar to my past issue.And exactly why I told my husband to please call this woman (while I was sitting right there) and tell her to leave him alone.

Your husband may be like mine and not want to seem rude or hurt anyone,but if he sees how much his ex is HURTING YOU,then he should take the initiative.
He has to live with you,so naturally he should want to keep you happy and not care about whether or not she is happy.
I agree with who said she is trying to push your buttons at this point.Seems like she is insinuating you wont be around long and she'll be waiting! That would make the REDNECK come out of anyone!

Different people have different viewpoints about this, but in MY marriage, X's have no place and are NOT permitted. It's just asking for trouble. For that matter, neither my husband or I have ANY friends of the opposite sex who aren't gay or eldery. The world is full of billions of people to befriend, and we don't see any legitimate reason that either one of us should need to retain a friend who
could potentially pose a threat to our marriage.

As far as overreacting goes, if one of my husband's X girlfriend's ever had the NERVE to imagine she could keep calling him after we got married, he'd hand me the phone to let me at her, and I'd do the same. Similar things have happened and we don't hide it, not even to protect the other from getting upset. We tell each other everything, rather than risk the other hearing it from someone else.

Anyone who wants to accuse us of being jealous or insecure, can go right ahead. Both my husband and I have known far too many people who ended up cheating with their supposed platonic "friend", and pretty much everyone of them has claimed the same exact thing, "It just happened." Oh, baloney. They set themselves up for it to happen by deluding themselves into believing they could somehow remain "just friends" with someone they were sexually attracted to. What they were really doing is getting their thrills from excitement of their sexual attraction for one another. Even if they don't actually end up in bed together, I regard engaging in this type of "emotional affair" to be even worse than a 1 night stand where you may have betrayed your partner by cheating on them with your body, but not your heart.

disengaging,

That's all well and good but why do you have to hand the phone off to the other? Why can't you each stand up for yourself to an ex that might call and nip in the bud YOURSELF? Why does a spouse have to get involved. If any of my ex's called, I have no problem cutting it off and saying "I'm married. I don't want to have lunch or be your buddy. Please don't call again." My husband doesn't need to say one word. I don't feel it's my job to run off his ex's.

We can't keep our spouses from being sexually attracted to others or creating emotional affairs with ex's or anyone else they come into contact with on a daily basis. They have to control themselves and really, all we can do is be in the marriage and work at not giving the spouse a reason to feel a need for a physical and/or emotional affair. It may not stop it from happening but we can't police who they talk to all the time and think that is going to keep it from happening.

Followup:

Nikemama, I just read your most recent follow up post regarding your recent exchange with your husband's X GF.

My husband and I have been together now for over 25 years. He had 2 daughters with his X wife, who he had to coparent with. When she first approached us to request we should all be, not just civil, but "friends" we had no problem, believing it was in the best interest of their children. After all, she had dumped him for another guy and always made it clear that she could "do better". Wish she had, but 8 years later, all she had was a string of failed relationships and marriages, while we were doing great, both careerwise and financially. That's when she decided he was now "good enough" and set out to to reclaim him as her rightful property. As "friends" both of us had told her more than we should have, which she then used to try to pit us against each other, and turn others against our marriage as well. When we figured out what was going on and my husband confronted her, she proudly admitted to it and propositioned him fully expecting him to be grateful and fall into her arms. Upon rejecting her instead, well boy oh boy. We cut off all contact, but every few years, she resurfaces to stalk, harrass and continue trying to break up our marriage.

The arrogance and contempt displayed by your husband's X girlfriend by responding as if YOU were the outsider in HER relationship with your husband, indicates this X girlfriend might be a stalker as well. What we've found is that ANY contact, ANY attention, good or bad, only serves to encourage them to continue the game. Only way to deter a stalker is by ignoring them completely.

If she is a stalker, chances are good she'll respond again with something even more outrageous. If she does, please try to resist the temptation to respond further. She's intentionally trying to make you wonder if there's some truth in what she says, so you'll become suspicious and distrustful of your husband. She's hoping to get you so worked up, to the point of leveling accusations at him, putting him in the position of then having to defend himself against your attacks. If you allow her to see she's upsetting you any way, all you'll accomplish by doing so is to let her that her plan's working!

There's actually a lot of fruitcakes in this world who "get off" on pulling this kind of crap. This is why my husband and I have banished all Xes, and don't maintain so called "friendships" with members of the opposite sex.

nikemama,
I believe people can be friends with exe's just as they can be friends with other people of the opposite sex and if she really was trying to be a friends she would be trying to get to know you too. It seems to me the real issue in your situation is that this ex-gf being in touch bothers you and DH should be the one to confront this woman and tell her that his wife doesn't like her being in touch and that he can't be friends. Without you on the other line or anything like that because he should care how you feel about this.

If he can't or won't, that's your real problem. This woman is only a threat if your husband allows her to be one. The real deal is between the two of you.

Nike,

My twist on things will probably be a bit different, but my world was shaken badly this year by infidelity. I am no longer married because of it.

There is no need for her to continue to reach out to communicate with him. He is a married man and the fact that she called him at night shows that she has a lot of nerve, in my opinion. She had to know you would be there.

A bit of a pink flag, perhaps, and I don't buy the "old friend" excuse from her. I think she is trying to continue an emotional attachment with your husband. He may just be a nice guy and not want to hurt her feelings by telling her to buzz off. Or he may be encouraging her.

I would suggest you check his cell phone bills to see if her number shows up - outgoing, incoming and text messages.

Good luck and best wishes.
June

Nikemama,
The fact of the matter is, that we all have different types of marriages and what both husband and wife demand or expect from one another. In some, they're open...all friends of all types. Others, no ex's...others no friends of the opposite sex..
In the end its what is comfortable to both parties in a marriage.
This obviously bothers you. And as you HUSBAND, as your soul mate he SHOULD RESPECT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS. And if she makes you uncomfortable , HE SHOULD TELL HER TO STOP ALL PHONE CALLS AND CONTACT. Period. It bothers you.
I do remember there was one girl my Dh had that irritated me. Now let me tell you, i have alot of his ex's coming through my door and they do not bother me in the slightest. BUt this one girl in particular made my hair stand. It didn't feel right of her contacting him and i could tell he was uncomfortable. Why? Cause it was an ex lover of his who was still clinging on. The first time i heard her, he told her on the phoen he was not available for 'screwing' that he has started a serious relationship with me and that he no longer had any interest in that type of relationship.
I was impressed. i met her...no problem. But i could still feel that in the long run that i would not appreciate too much contact with this girl because i could see she would press him. And he did continue to refuse her even while dating me. He would let me read her email too!
This is why i say, it takes two to tango.
Thankfully she has moved a fffffffarrr way place now. We get one xmas card each year. She visits and tells him to go out for a beer last year. He refused because it was only a invitation tohim and he said to her if my wife doens't come then i do not comeout. SHe never phoned again.
Its up to your husband to stand his ground and keep telling her no. And again, my husband saw i was uncomfortable. And i ddint' have to say it. So he flushed his relationship with her out the door. Out of love and peace for him.
He knows i'm a fair person...i dont care about his exgirlfriends..but this one...she made my hair stand.
Does your hubby know you do not like her?

She sent me the following message just before Christmas:

I do know T**** very well. I know he is trying to just keep peace with you. I'm not the desperate one, and I'm sure not the one getting or needing counseling. I believe you have issues, and you are trying hard to hang on. So have fun while it last, and have a great holiday.

I was already in a mood when I got this so I sent her the most hateful nasty things I could think to tell her. I told her that T**** riped up her pictures like yesterdays mail and that she was his rebound Girl and a soft place to lay after his divorce.. I went on and on. Well she replied with information that she couldn't have known without having talked to my husband within the past few weeks. So I called husband and told him that he had to come clean with me. He says that they had talked but not often and he knew that he was just friends and didn't realize what she was really doing until then. I told him that I felt hurt and cheated on because he lied to me, he told her personal stuff about me and he relied on her for things he should have been talking to me about. He called her finally and set her straight. She tried to make him mad at me for what I had said to her. She was still blistering mad when he talked to her for the things I had said. I asked him what he would do if someone was after me like that he said he would kick their A** so I told him I kicked her A** with words and thats what she gets. His whole tune had changed at that point and couldn't say he was sorry enough. I can't say that I am over it, but we are working on it. If anything else happens then I will have to look at this more seriously but for now Husband and I are both good and she shouldn't be a problem anymore.

Nike,

I would suggest you monitor the cell phone records going forward. I hope for your sake this is a moot point and that she is, indeed, gone and if she stays gone, then you will know and you can breathe a sigh of relief.

I personally wouldn't underestimate her for one second. I saw a red flag waving when you wrote that she called him at night on his cell. Of course she knew that you would most likely be with him. The timing of that call was no accident. She "interjected" herself into your marriage when she did that. Now she is really pissed at you because you have called her on it and I would expect her to try again.

I hate to say this, but in my opinion, your husband's initial reaction to her call was less than stellar. He most likely freaked out a bit because he knew he was "busted" when you reacted to her call and voice mail. He knew he had been talking to her about you and was probably wondering what she might do next - boil a bunny?

Men can be really clueless sometimes. They think they are just talking to a female friend and they reveal too much info - info that can come back and bite them in the rear-end later, particularly if that "friend" has an agenda. I hope he understands that it was very wrong for him to share anything about you with her.

I think it is important to monitor your cell bill and make sure she stays gone. If her number shows up - incoming or outgoing or text messages, then he is not being straight with you.

I wish you the best.

Take this for what it's worth, but this woman is not the problem. You are insecure in the relationship, he is not 100% honest (which gives you reason to be insecure) and that cycle will continue REGARDLESS of who the catalyst is - this woman or another.

You need to back off with her as you are giving her EXACTLY what she wants - a response. She's upset your perfect world. Now if you get mad at your husband that is a wedge she can drive between you and he. Quit playing into it. Be the bigger person. 'Kicking her a$$ with words' is not something I'd be proud to write about - it sounds like territorial high school behavior. If your husband is 'yours' HE should be the one to explain that to her. His lack of doing so and your insistence in doing it furthers her belief that anything he says is only because you are making him. Again, if he isn't willingly stepping up to back her off THAT is your problem, not some mouthy broad.

JNM, you said everything I would too. I would also add that the more nikemama 'confronts' this woman, the more this woman is going to believe this poor guy has to deal with such a nut and she will probably try even harder. It encourages her that she's maybe saving him in some way. Who knows what this woman has been told by the husband if she is so confident that his wife has issues, needs counseling and is just hanging on??? Sounds like she thinks he's in a terrible marriage and the way she might believe all that is IF HE TOLD HER THOSE THINGS.

nikemama:
I'm not discounting that this woman knows he's married and she's in the wrong for even considering the pursuit of a married man (in my opinion, that makes her pond scum), but he's the one that made vows to you and he's the one that owes you his allegiance, not her. She may be without morals and shamelessly chasing your husband, but he has a responsibility to stop her dead in her tracks and if he isn't doing that, he's getting something out of it. Either he enjoys all the attention or he's not being completely honest with you. How much more foolish will you feel if you continue to 'fight for your man' and he eventually leaves you for her (or someone else)? He should be fighting for his marriage and it sounds (from what you've written) that he may just be doing the opposite... it sounds like he's encouraging this behind your back.

So Nike -
Between you and this other woman, which one of you looks more like a kind, patient, gracious lady?
And which one of you is looking like a raving 'trailer trash' (your words) lunatic?

Sure, she started something.
But you escalated it.
She responded snarkily.
Then you escalated it again in a major way.

I'm not defending her.
But you need to change your tactics or you'll destroy your own relationship.

I never said I was proud of what I did or that I was secure. What is secure about finding your husband is having a secret friendship with his X Lover. I was married the first time at 19, was with him for 13 years and he put me through the wringer. I have been married to DH for about 6 months. My marriage with him up till this was amazing, aside from this it still is. But when you have been where I have with my EX Heck ya it hit a nerve. I have no intention of going down that road again.

I had been very nice to her in the first email and got a little more harsh as the email went on. When I sent her the last one it didn't really have anything to do with her talking to my husband anymore. I wanted her to be as pissed off as I was. That isn't the Christian thing to do but that is what I did anyway.

DH justified it as okay in his mind because HE knew HIS intentions but he hadn't thought about her intentions or how it would effect me. This whole thing sucked but we have a new understanding of this type thing and I don't think it will come up again. It has been a week now since the last email either way. DH's EX cheated on him but he didn't look at this as something like that but now that he does I feel like he will be okay. He did end up telling her that she should take a short step off a steep cliff.

imamommy,

My husband and I don't have any problem telling our Xs to leave us alone, and we've tried that, but our experience was it worked out much better just handing off the phone.

Talking to them even that long, was only providing them with ammunition to later use against our marriage, to taunt our partner with the fact that we had talked to them, mixing in just enough truth to lend credibility to what they were saying, so they could then con our partner into believing their great big lies--to get us to fight with each other and break up....something like what just happened with Nikimama.

And then, you have to also consider the "revenge factor". Especially with an X you first considered a "friend" who then turned into your "rebound lover", to help you get over another X.

If someone is attracted to you who you have clearly shown no similar interest in them, it's not unusual for them to try instead, to cultivate a friendship, hoping it may one day grow into more. So they hang around as your "friend", seeing you through breakups, waiting for their opportunity.

These people often end up "setting themselves up" to be used as a "rebound lover" by the object of their desire, imagining all their efforts have finally paid off. When they find instead that all they were to their "friend" was someone to help them through their recovery period, they will often hide their feelings of betrayal, and pretend they're OK with going back to being "just friends," again deluding themselves into believing that one day, their "friend" will eventually "come around".

When their "friend" instead goes out and marries someone else? Well, is it really any wonder why they would see their friend's spouse as the "interloper" in THEIR relationship?

Nikimama,

I kind of thought that would happen. If the above scenerio applies to the relationship between your husband and this girl, as I suspect it does, then he probably should have realized that he viewed their "friendship" much differently than she did, but I'm really not surprised he didn't.

Hopefully the matter is now resolved.

Hoping you all the best.

disengaging, YES you get it. That is exactly what has happen here. I feel like it is resolved except for the wondering that was never there before.

Husbands ex-wife had cheated on him, he asked out this girl with weeks of the split. He described it as jumping out of the skillit into the frying pan but he didn't want to be alone. After a short time he moved in with his parents where st stayed alone for 9 months before we went on our first date. He says that if he had wanted he could have gone back to her but he didn't see her that way he was done with her. She had wanted him to stay and marry her but Here I am and she is still alone. It also came to mind that she is a woman who snagged a man who she had been friends with BOTH my husband and his former wife. So if she didn't care about the friendship she had with his former wife then she surely wouldn't care about me, a total stranger.

As for who come out smelling like a rose I guess we both got a little muddy but what is done is done and at the end of the day, if I hadn't said anything it would have continued.

nikemama,

"I never said I was proud of what I did or that I was secure. What is secure about finding your husband is having a secret friendship with his X Lover."

I don't mean to upset you further but maybe DH was keeping it secret because he didn't want to upset you about something that is really nothing as it relates to your marriage and how he feels about you. He encouraged her by accepting her calls, look at that. Your reaction is the biggest thing going on here. DH should cut off their friendship since it's such a big deal to you BUT if you think that it won't be a big deal for him now that you have made it big, or that he will forget that you made him do it, or the insecurity that is driving your behavior, think it over. Some men love seeing women bickering and competing over them but they know it's because the women involved are insecure. If he loves you, and is with you and respects you, what do you have to worry about? How much of this is about this ex and how much of it is about how you feel about your husband and marriage?