I am not certain what you are trying to accomplish. Of course you love your son, and it hurts when others dont. But you cant change that.

Your SD is not perfect. If you and DH have decided that becuase he doesnt measure up to your standards, and your DH takes it out nor only on him, but his GC -- that is his and your priviledge, but then you can not expect them to be friendly to your son.

Honestly, I think you should have sent SD an invitation. I never heard of not sending invites to close relatives. Frankly those are the people that valued my invitations the most.

Oops I meant to say if your SS is not perfect.

and if SD didnt attend your wedding -- without invite -- because of her mom objecting -- I would think you could be a little more gracious.

So she didn't send her an invite so she didn't go ... ok fine.... I think its been long enough for the adults to get over it.

Not sure if Lamom has said how many years ago she married don't really care ... but I didn't send invites to my SC or my BC either I assumed they were going since they are my children and hubby's children why wouldn't they go?

They knew about the wedding it wasn't a big secret we didn't run off to never never land to do it ... and I will guess lamom did not either ...

Again her hubby's relationship with his children is his responsibility not lamom's .... same with your ex kkny his relationship with your daughter is his issue not his gf's if he is so blinded by his GF's golden pus that he chooses to not visit with his daughter its not her fault IT'S HIS.

Its parents responsiblity to foster a relationship with their children and its a lousy excuse to blame a SP or SO ... if a parent isn't involved in their children's life its because the parent made that choice.

kkny,

More gracious than what? Expecting my husbands grown kids to attend his wedding? I have been married 11 years to DH and the wedding incident is long behind us. I was just giving some history as to how these relationships got to be where they are.

My skids are adults and have been the entire time I've been married to DH. I haven't complained here about SD35 since she is a productive adult, very family oriented and caring, completely different than her brother. She treats DS as her brother, is also his godmother and wants him to live with her if anything happens to DH and me. I wouldn't call DS6 and SD35 super close, big age difference, but she definitely cares for him. She visits him regularly now that he is sick, has taken him places and is involved.

What I have been trying to accomplish all these years is a good, blended family. I can't make them feel something that they don't or won't.

Me thinks there is an instigator in the kitchenkupboard :)

deborah, huh?

Lamom, everything you say about SD35, other than she didnt come to your wedding, is about what she can or does for your son. And your his mom, so that is natural.

kkny,

Let me repeat so you can hear me clearly, SD35 is an educated professional, family oriented, smart, and independent. She and I are becoming friends as adults and peers. We are in similar professions so we have things in common. I like her and respect her. I liked her and respected her before DS became sick, her support for him and us elevated her in my eyes even more like you said, naturally. I wouldn't say that we hang out but we have gone places together without the kids.

She is totally different than SS. We have had differences over the years. She recently told me that it took her a long time to realize that she could be loyal to BM and friends with me at the same time. She also said that the biggest reason she started to gravitate towards me is because I have more in common with her than BM (whoa!) and because of my interest in SS and his kids. She did blow off my wedding but that was years ago and a lot of adult skids boycott 2nd weddings. When push comes to shove she definitely sides with what she calls "her family" and that is her mother's side. I don't always like that but that's how it is.

And of course, she does things for my son and I appreciate her for that. It goes a long way for me that his sister considers him a little brother and acts like it. Which, if you have been paying attention, the lack of that caring is my top issue with SS29.

Lamom,

Let me repeat, so you understand. If your primary concern is how others act toward your son, that is virtually the same as being concerned how they act toward you. But go on, just remember as your DH has been mean toward his GC, it can happen to others.

Hi,

Please don't think I'm critisizing, because I really do know how you feel, but you may also not have all the information.

I'm married to my 2nd husband and my own mom didn't attend either one of my weddings. The explanation she gave was that she couldn't take the time off work. That really hurt my feelings because she had attended my siblings weddings, and leaving me to believe she either didn't like my husbands, or didn't feel my weddings were important enough.

Years and years later she finally confessed that the real reason was because she was broke, I lived clear across the country, and she couldn't afford the plane ticket. She didn't tell me the truth earlier because she didn't want to burden us with her financial problems. We never knew.

Who knows what kind of fit BM may have thrown if her daughter had attended your wedding. Your SD may have felt you and your husband are far more adult and understanding than her mother, and wouldn't mind as much. If you think of it that way, it's actually a compliment.

Stealing our parents cars was the least my siblings and I did as teenagers. We broke many laws, and are truely grateful that not only didn't our parents hold any of it against us, but kept us out of jail. (Having lots of relatives in the police department helped.) We're all responsible, college educated professionals now.

People don't live in motels because they can't do the math. Apartments require passing a credit check, along with the cash for: first and last month's rent, security and utility deposits, all of which can run as high of $3 grand just to move in. If your credit's not good and all you've got is your most recent paycheck, motels are your only option.

I'm not getting along with, or even talking to my oldest SD or her husband right now, but when they were broke and didn't have anywhere to live, well, for me, the pleasure of waking up every morning to grandbabies was well worth those parents of theirs they had to bring along with them to our house.

I realize that as your son has cancer, he is, and should be, your top priority. I can understand how devestating it must be for you and your husband to see your son, not only struggling with his illness, but absolutey heart-broken, wondering why his brother and cousins he loves so much haven't come to see him.

I can't put myself in your shoes but in your situation, I think my husband and I feel compelled to drive over to where ever SS is living, and do whatever it takes to get him to see his baby brother. I'd try laying on guilt trips, bribes, and if what he wanted was for me to apologize to him, or even his deranged mother for their bad behavior, if that's what it would take, for the sake of giving my sick son even 5 minutes of joy with his big brother, that's what I'd do.

All my best wishes go out to you and your son.

disengaging,

Thanks for that perspective. I had not considered that my skids mother might have somehow pressured them to not attend our wedding, or might have thrown a fit or something like that and that they might have expected us to understand. I just thought their no show was just some misguided loyalty combined with a rejection of our marriage.

You're right, SS and gf with SGS lived in those motels because they couldn't qualify for an apartment. SS had been evicted from an apartment that DH had given him money for by then. Neither of them were working. All I could see was the waste and the squalor, a newborn, cooking in the bathroom plus even cheap motels add up fast. I asked a friend to move them up on the waiting list for a subsidized housing program they said they wanted but they didn't show up for the interview.

I used the car stealing episode as an example of the many times I have defended SS to DH since I stole my father's car before I had a license too.

In terms of going to them, because of DS's treatment, he has to be in clean environments and their apartment is never clean. Places don't have to be sterile or perfect but there has to be a basic cleanliness. I can't tell them that because they would surely take it the wrong way.

Last night we hosted SS29 and his kids at our house to give them their gifts and have a mini-holiday celebration. The kids had a good time together and we had a good visit with SS. I was glad that people on this board persuaded me to put some gifts together for those kids. DS6 gave SGS8 his new pogo stick from Santa on his own. All I could do was sigh and rewrap the gift. DS6 doesn't understand that it doesn't matter what he does for those people, they won't love him back.

I think you may be selling the SGS short. I was never particularly close to my cousins when I was growing up (we all lived in different states), but now I do offer to let them come stay with me (some are semi-retired and touring the country) You cant make kids be friends. You dont know what will happen.

kkny, SGS8 likes DS6 I suppose. He is a bully with many emotional problems. He is in much needed therapy. SGS8 has been caught stealing from stores, is defiant to all adults, can be destructive (e.g. we took him on a trip last year he kicked out $500 landcaping lights at the hotel because DH told him to stop playing), has been kicked out schools, low self esteem, I can go on and on.

DS is 6 so he thinks that by being extra nice that it will help SGS8. Yes, I'm a biased mom but my son has compassion for SGS8 because he stays in trouble.