Maggie you obviously do not have any relationship with her and refuse because you honestly do not like this adult woman. Thats fine andyou are doing the right thing to keep far away from people such as her. You Dh continues his relationship without any hindrance from you and you do not interfere with the relationship. Agian...very good. BUt if she does go around sayng things behind your back and IF a family member approaches you and asks you this and that and you find out that she has lied and manipulated the situation then you confront this adult head on and do it in frotn of the entire family and set the record straight that you have never interfered etc..etc..and any issues she and her mother have are her own issues and to keep it to themselves because its not nice to lie to family members. You do not have contact with her and therefore anythign she does say in the near future is obviously fabricated. I do not know details of your situation..maybe both of you went rocky when she hit her teens but it does sound that she is spoiled and the bm has anger issues that were never let for for so many years. There are some bm out there that do not get over their failed marriage and use their kids as weapons because that is the only thing they hav at their disposal. BUT she is not a child. She is an adult and if you feel she has overstepped her boundaries and find out for a fact..a fact....not just feelings...that she is badmouthing you behind her back and then you confront her and the family and set the record straight. BUt you have ot know for a fact. You cannot go out on a whim and just assume. I know you dont like her or trust her and you sya she's manipulative but if you have nothing ot hide and have always stayed true on your road and are an honest nice person then i think family members will see through her lies and manipulations. Especially if they know you have no contact all these years. If family members ask about her you say you don't know. You are not in contact with her and that your DH would know since he meets her for dinners...thats all. Be honest. You don thave to voice out that you do not like her or trust her.

Thanks Sweeby! I don't think I shared anything she didn't already know... well, not sure if she knew her mom doesn't pay dad but she knows her mom always says she has no money. She didn't even buy her a birthday gift this year. Apparently, the ONLY gift she got this year was what I bought her & my dad gave her $50 & took her out to dinner. But, she knows grandma is the one buying anything at BM's house. BM has taken her to the thrift store a couple of times to get clothes or gives her sister's hand me downs... which is another reason the clothing issue just irks me... the prized clothes aren't nice, expensive, new, etc. and here I take her to the Gap, Old Navy, etc. and buy nice quality stuff. (and I know it's not about that... she wants mom's stuff because mom got it for her & she wants mom's approval) SD has reached the conclusion with BM. When she left her PE clothes at BM's over a month ago, she kept it secret & BM kept promising her to call the school & get her new ones. Finally, she told DH she didn't have PE clothes, that she was using a loaner pair of shorts & had brought one of BM's BF's t-shirts (which I thought is odd) and had been using those. When he told me, I went to the school & paid for new PE clothes. After school, SD said thank you & told me she knew her mom was never going to buy them because she never does what she says. So, SD is aware of BM and can admit it, however she still wants to protect her most of the time, which makes it very hard to wonder if SD is "coming around" or just being manipulative. The hardest thing to deal with in regard to SD is the damaged trust. She has done so many things, told so many lies & manipulations, continues to be caught in lies on a daily basis... though most are small things average kids do, but it's the constant barrage of lies that makes us ask "does she EVER tell the truth?" As far as telling her the "truth" about things, right away she wants to call BM. Now, I don't know if she's calling to tell BM what we told her or if she's analyzing what we say versus what BM tells her so she can make her own conclusion about who's telling her the REAL truth. But, I do think it's a better way to handle it than to sit idle & let her think that everything her mom tells her is true. and to PO1~ earlier, you asked about favoritism with older sister? Yes, BM favors sister. So does grandma. When BM lived with DH & had SD, they split when SD was a year old. BM moved back to grandma but grandma let her bring older sister but not SD. DH kept SD for a few months until grandma relented & let her live there too. But it was only every other week because DH kept her one week, BM the next. When I met SD, she was 5 & would tell me how grandma is mean to her, doesn't like her, etc. Now, she may have been playing victim to get sympathy in the way she started telling everyone that will listen, how I am so mean to her, etc. Grandma may not have wanted to have BM put another baby in her lap so she could go out. I really don't understand the full dynamics of what occurred but I do know that as long as I've been involved, it seems SD has been shuffled to the side but sister is the golden child. Way back when SD started going to tae kwon do, it was only because she begged & DH agreed to pay half. BM & sister had been going for a while together & SD felt left out. So, yes I see lots of favoritism & SD seems to be unwanted. It sickens me to think this could be true, but I've wondered if it's because sister's father pays $1200 a month in support and BM knew she couldn't get that kind of money from DH. She often threatened him to get full custody & ask for huge support, but never tried. I don't think she wanted to take care of SD 100% of the time. Besides, he wanted 50/50 from the beginning so the most she got was $286 when they finally went to court and it wasn't worth it to her or she just didn't want to take SD with her when she moved away.

"What about child actors? They are "marketed" too." My sister was going to get my nephew involved but when she saw how it was, changed her mind. Have you seen how many child actors end up burnt out and depressed, on drugs or dead by the time they should be starting out their lives? I'm not 'harassing' you because I have a different opinion about something. Aren't I entitled to my opinion as well as you are? We aren't questioning her falling off her bike. My DH just called her to see if she was okay. It's BM & SD's behavior that are weird. I can see that she may be defensive. When we pulled up to pick SD up, they were standing in the driveway. SD said she had to show DH the scratches on the back of her leg to dad before she could get in the car. I didn't see anything on her hands or knees but I guess that doesn't matter, it's been a couple of days. So we leave & stop for dinner. As we are eating, SD mentions that her leg & head hurt. DH says out loud that he wonders if it's a concussion and I mention the hospital. SD's face gets a terrified look on it and she says it only hurts a little bit. She starts to minimize how much it hurts. So, DH is trying to assess if she has a head injury that needs to be looked at and asks what the pain feels like. SD starts to tell him the story of how it happened and we stop her and tell her we don't need the story on HOW she fell off her bike (which is what she was telling us) but how it feels now. She starts to tell us about her leg pain but he's only concerned with her head. She starts out saying it's throbbing but concussion & hospital are mentioned, she says it doesn't really hurt much at all. and finedreams, since your daughter had a concussion, did she go to the hospital? and what did they do for it? and it isn't 300 miles away. I don't know where theotherside came up with THAT. It's about 3 hours away. It's about 150 miles each way but we live up in the mountains and she lives up in a different set of mountains so there are a lot of slower curvy two lane roads to drive on. And yes, my DH would drive it. We drive it every week to pick her up. They would do the EXACT SAME amount of driving if she came to pick up SD instead of sending her mom. But they are both equally responsible for transporting the same time/distance. I don't know why you would doubt he would do it. When she goes over there for the summer, he will get SD the same 1st three weekends of each month. And when they had 50/50, DH drove her 45 minutes every morning to school on his weeks and I drove 45 minutes (each way) to go pick her up. BM didn't have to drive because she lived a few blocks from the school. Again, that's not a complaint, that's just the arrangement they had and DH never had a problem with it. We also never had a problem driving SD to her taekwondo classes (she took with her mom) which were almost an hour from where we live, when it was her dad's week. We also would go to her events whether she was with us or not. If her mom had her for her week and she had a taekwondo testing or tournament, we would go watch her. We sometimes drove a couple of hours. DH's parents would also go to those things too. I would have a problem with any father that doesn't see his children the way he should. I don't see different standards. Parents should see their children on a regular basis. I'm not saying what that should be but if they agree to one thing, put it in writing (or a judge orders it) and then they don't show up and the kids are upset & disappointed (or worse, sitting there waiting/canceling other plans) then there is NO EXCUSE for a parent to do that to their child. NONE. If you don't want to have that much time, then don't make that agreement. If you don't want to be tied down to it, then leave it open and say "I'll call when I have time to see them" but it's is SO WRONG to have a child that is excited they are going to see their other parent and then when the other parent cancels or doesn't show up, it breaks their hearts. That's only my opinion and it's not directed at any specific situation, not even mine. I think that is how it should be in general with ALL parents.

- Are you a solo cook? For daily meals, will there be two cooks? For dinner parties, will there be multiple cooks? Mostly solo, with occasional interference, um, assistance in prep, etc. from others. Mysteriously, no matter which way I turn, there always seems to be somebody in the way. Perhaps there are additional people living here I haven't met yet. - Do you typically serve food family-style (at the dining table), buffet-style (dining room sideboard or kitchen counter?), or waiter-style (plate in kitchen, serve each guest individually at dining table)? Buffet style? Horrible dictu. Either family-style or plated, depending. - Any quirky needs for where and how you prep? Like my "sink on my left" fetish? I like my sink on the left, too. but perhaps I'm just used to it. I would love vertical prep space, like an 8" shelf to put stuff on as needed so it doesn't end up ten feet away. But I may not be able to achieve that. In any case, I like cockpit cooking--everything I need in arm's reach, nothing in reach that I don't need. I like to expel things out of my way when I'm done with them, so I thought a long time about a garbage can accessible through a hole in the countertop. Then I realized the danger of breeding Swamp Thing on bits that get stuck in dark crannies. In addition to getting rid of garbage, I do not like to touch or see cooking implements once I'm done with them. I want them out of my way. Sounds weird, I know. But that video of an iron pan careening into a Kohler cast iron sink at top speed held special meaning for me. - Are you a big baker? How important is a baking center? Occasional baker. My mind doesn't really work that way. But I bake for holidays or just when I feel like it. A full-blown Iron Confectioner Baking Stadium would be nice, but I'd settle for a place to keep baking stuff out of the way of other prep tools. - A big oven user? Need double ovens? Speed? Steam? Need venting over the oven? Yup, I'm an ovener. Double would be fun for those Yorkshire Pudding occasions. I'm actually liking my tiny Easy Bake. It will be horrific when company comes, but for the two of us to roast the odd chicken, it heats up fast and works well. I do need someplace to cook my Christmas seven-hour pork shoulder. - A many-burners user? Need four, six, eight, ten? Six would be nice. I'll live with four if I have to, but what really bothers me about four burners is the crowding. - Any preference for range or cooktop/wall oven? No preference, though obviously a range is generally cheaper. - Are there any unusual tools you plan to include? Grill, griddle, deep fryer, wine cooler,(swing oven, blast chiller, immersion circulator, live fish tank . . . ) I'm not much of a nanotechnologist, so if I ever get the hankering for a molecular gastronomy experiment I'll just use the basement workbench. I'm a little old school, so I need to keep out my vintage Osterizer and two no-control toasters, one of which was my parents' wedding present in 1938, on display. The blender gets the most use. I need a place to securely clamp things, like apple corers and pasta makers. The chitarra can stay in the cupboard; I think it rusted, anyway. I need a place to store two sets of pasta board and pins. One is mine and oversized; it's a piece of plywood a counter deep, with a long dowel that can hang from a cup hook on the end somewhere. My mom's I'd like out on display; it's an old breadboard with a smaller roller. Plus there's her wooden spoon that needs to hang on the wall somewhere nearby. Never had a grill, I think I'd like one. - What size refrigerator is ''necessary''? How much pantry (linear feet of shelf) is ''necessary''? An unusual size is OK but not too small. The fridge always seems to fill up with wine and salad. Of course, even with French door fridges I can never find anything. I wish they were all six feet wide and a foot deep. I do have a root cellar in the basement, where I can store overflow cans of tomatoes once we get the paint cans out of there. I should mention the spice thing. You know when you go into a supermarket and see that huge rack of spices? OK, trim it down to one jar deep. That's what I've got. It's in an upper cab now, on those little step shelf inserts, and it's horrible. I want alphabetical. Neat. Accessible. All in a row. - Is a bar/beverage area important, for mixology, chilling, decanting, jello shots? Way. I may be able to find a nice bar for the DR or LR. But mixology has to happen somewhere. - How many people do you want to seat at this dratted ''eat-in'' zone? Two? Four? Two comfortably, 3 a little awkwardly, possibly 4 with permanent sciatic damage. Just to appease the future toddler moms. - Do you prefer pots and pans to hang or be stored in drawers? I loathe hanging pots and pans. In my apartment pots and pans were in a super susan, the kind where the door is attached and you just push it in, right next to the range. Worked well, except for flat pans, which you had to stack to infinity. So, I want them hidden, but I don't want to unnest two hundred pounds of metal to fry an egg. Appliances to live on counters or be hidden away? I imagine the stand mixer has to stay out, unless you figure out a way to lower it from the ceiling on command. Toaster and coffee maker out but out of my way. The Cuisinart should be accessible--the days of jamming my hand into a cupboard to find a sharp blade really have to be over. - All things being equal, do you prefer lots of upper cabinets or fewer? Lots of windows or fewer? The light here is great, but houses are somewhat close together. I want to keep at least one window on each wall (size may be flexible), but a wall of windows would not really be that pleasant. I do like uppers, but some need to be glass and I desperately want to avoid that oppressive Great Wall of China look. - Are you a "can't live without double dishwasher'' sort? No. - How ''traditional'' a look do you want? For example, in the 1920s homes didn't really have fixed kitchen islands. I'm thinking serious vintage, with allowance for creative interpretation. My inspiration is that online collection of 1920s kitchen photos, but I'm not going to replicate an entire dysfunctional '20s kitchen--I just want the charm. I don't 100% need a fixed island, either, but I'm not opposed to one.