Well said Viv. After reading so many posts the thing that stands out to me in so many of the cases is the Step parent blaming the inconsiderate, selfish, manipulative children when in reality the bio parents (out of guilt or whatever) have allowed the behavior - how is the child to learn any different. What child, bio or step, wouldn't take advantage of situation?

Well said Vivian and eandhl!

I have seen a lot of "Those ungrateful stepkids don't love me or treat me with respect" and an equal number of "I hate those selfish brats!" posts -- sometimes from the same people.

Gratitude from a child? Rare in any case, biological or step. Yet many stepparents seem to expect it. Selfishness in a child? - Pretty typical. Yet we seem to tolerate it in our biological children, but rarely in our stepchildren. Lack of Consideration? Hardly unusual. But still the double standard.

Civility, responsibility and tolerance. Let those be my guiding thoughts for 2007.

I too agree that alot of the problems in blended families has to do with the bio parents. I have seen if first hand for the last 6 years. Children are bi products of their bio parents.

I too think that alot of individuals come to this site and need a place to vent, saying things to us that they cannot say to anyone else. They are letting go of feelings they have held inside for months, maybe years. They feel relieved to have some place, someone, who will listen, and even understand what they are going through or have gone through.

So if we can just be supportive, give them our situations or experiences, maybe it can help them in some way. If they need to vent some feelings of frustration, I am willing to listen without judging. That is what I have needed in the past and this site has given me that. I may get responses I do not want to hear but it helped me to look at things from different angles. Maybe making me a better person and a better step parent and wife.

Lets remain open to all and hopefully we can help many who are in need. Thanks!

Sweeby is correct - children are often ungrateful and selfish. They are not so because of bad parenting, but merely because they are children. Martin Daly and Margo Wilson, evolutionary psychologists, have stated: "Parental altruism is ... unique in fact - in that the flow of benefits is prolongedly, cumulatively, and ungrudgingly unbalanced. Why this should be so is evident: organisms have evolved to expend their very lives enhancing the fitness prospects of their descendants.." quoted in "Reply to David Butler" at http://www.psych.ucsb.edu/research/cep/buller/reply%20to%20david%20buller.pdf

No one should expect step-parents to feel the same way toward their step-children as they do toward their own; however, step-parents should realize that they will have an inherent bias and lack of tolerance for behavior that in their own children would not bother them, rather than describing the children in negative terms or blaming the biological parents.

A few weeks ago there was a discussion on this board about a child who did not greet her step-father when she entered the room. I think perhaps this sensitivity is almost unique to step-family situations. I informally surveyed a number of my co-workers and friends, asking them who should greet whom first. No one was sure; some said perhaps the person entering; others perhaps the person already in the room. However, every person I surveyed commented that it really doesn't matter!

Bravo sunny!!!
I think that people need a place to vent... good or bad it dosent matter, to get unbiased feed back on their feelings and maybe the feed back gives them perspective. You never know if a suggestion made in this forum could give someone the help they need to better their life or the lives of their families!
Ohh BTW to (theotherside) the question you took the poll on ... who should greet who?? I say when dealing with a child or young adult... the person with the most social experience should greet first....that means the ADULT.
Not only does it make the child feel like they belong or part of the family and cared about it helps them to develop social skills of their own(children learn from experience) So for all that think that, out of respect, a child should speak first.... maybe you should first teach that child how to speak!

I dont take offense,but
We may be "JUST STEP PARENTS" as you say,but we still have a certain amount of responsibility.Which does not include just smiling and acting nicely.If a child does something they are not supposed to do or that is dangerous or hazardous to another~we have to step in and be the parent whether we like it or not.
You cannot say not to marry someone if you cant be nice all the time.Who can be nice all the time? Even with regular parents you cant be nice all the time.
When I met my husband,his daughter (one of them) was not in the picture.She lived very far away and my husband didnt even know where she was or hadnt seen her in years due to no fault of his own. When she suddenly shows up years later and is abusive to my own daughter,I'am not going to just smile and be nice when my husband sits by and does nothing.
I had a step parent of my own.And while I didnt always agree with everything he said,I was still required to listen to him and respect him and his authority,and I did!!! am I a scarred person because of that? No...
I do not advocate people being mean just for the sake of it,but sometimes you have to for their own good.That is what being a parent is about.That is why we have this forum because the kids do not always listen to us or respect our authority.
Everyone's situation is different.I would love to get along with all my step daughters...and I do quite well with two of them.They respect me,I respect them. But the other one has not only pushed my very last button,but even my husband's. Only,he is always the nicer one between the two of us.He lets people walk all over him all the time and doesnt sometimes do what he should.So I have to step in. If not for myself,for the safety and well being of my own child.(another for instance,if SD is doing something that is a bad influence for my daughter and DH wont tell her to stop~I WILL because it isnt good FOR MY DAUGHTER and NOBODY will tell me what I can and cant do when it comes to protecting MY child)

"We may be "JUST STEP PARENTS" as you say,but we still have a certain amount of responsibility.Which does not include just smiling and acting nicely.If a child does something they are not supposed to do or that is dangerous or hazardous to another~we have to step in and be the parent whether we like it or not."

Like I said, I was not trying to point fingers. I suppose in my fractured way I was trying to address the expectations of some stepparents that the children make the sacrifices, that somehow the children and bioparents are responsible for the misery and strife when in fact it is most certainly up the adults (and most importantly the biological parents) involved in said situation to be the better people.

Adults have a choice. We chose or not choose whom we marry. These children are oftentimes thrust into unfamiliar, uncomfortable situations without any thought to how a biological parent's marriage might affect them.

If I could tell anyone in premarital classes anything, it would be that you should not marry JUST because of love--when in fact there's much, much more to being married than just being in love. With children involved, there's EVEN MORE that should be considered before you decide to marry.

I don't expect that people be nice all of the time, but I do think that we as adults have a responsibility to be civil, to not make waves, to not make the children feel put in the middle, to never engage in power struggles, etc. Smiling and being civil is far and away from being "nice" in my book. I would sooner cut out my own heart than cause my stepkids an ounce of anxiety about anything related to custody or financial consideration. They are far more important than any dollar amount or any court ordered custodial arrangement.

Do I actively "parent" my stepkids? Yes. I would not allow them to cause injury or harm to anyone else, regardless of whom that is. Again, my comments were not personally directed at anyone, just some general observations. I'm sorry that you took offense. It was not intended.

I also don't agree that I am JUST a stepparent. I was forced into the role of being mother AND father because of a mother who couldn't/wouldn't take care of her kids (she also lost custody of her two other children to their bio father) and because of my husband who grew up in a very abusive home and had no clue how to be a father, particulary to troubled children. I treated those boys like my own, though, made no difference between them and my daughter. I was strict and tough as nails because I had to be, not by choice. The boys had severe behavior problems due to abuse suffered while with their bio mom from her boyfriend. The boys weren't in the picture when we married and I never had an inkling things would turn out the way they did.

I also don't agree that children are selfish and ungrateful because they are children. I am 44 years old. My mother was a divorced mother and raised three girls on her own. I remember being happy with anything I received and never really wanting for anything, even though we would probably have been considered poverty-level by today's standards. I wasn't the exception, that's the way it was when I was growing up and I know it was that way when my parents were growing up. I believe children have gotten lazier, more selfish and more ungrateful as years have gone by and we have no one to blame but ourselves for that. My daughter went to school with kids who didn't have to work and had brand new cars handed to them on a silver platter. She didn't understand why she had to work part-time and help pay her car payment and insurance, but that's the way it was at our house. Parents that attempt to teach their children responsibility and independence are fighting a tough battle in today's society. I'm lucky it "took" with my daughter, the stepsons are still works in progress.

I don't think that kids are any more selfish or ungrateful that they were a generation ago. I am a bit older than kg44, and I remember people saying the same thing about my generation, and from what I have read, people in the 1800's complained about the younger generation as well.

I don't happen to know any teenagers who were given a brand new car, but I am sure my kids (who btw have to pay 100% of their share of the car insurance on the family car) would be extremely grateful. However, I think it is unreasonable to expect expressions of gratitude from a 10 year old for having food in the house or for driving her to girl scouts and the like.

How about a 14 year old who will not share anything with anyone? A 200 dollar playstation 2 and she expects to have her very own and not share? That is extremely selfish and ungreatful in my opinion. My SD has gone this entire year of 2006 without talking to my husband for the simple fact that we thought she should be able to share something so expensive.
We have ONE playstaion 2 in our house and we all share it (yes,my husband and I play too!)
Vivian31,I said I didnt take offense.And I do agree that people who are getting married to someone with kids SHOULD be advised it takes more then just love. My husband and I have been together for 10 years,and it has taken time for everyone to adjust.Like I said,we are pretty much a happy family but for the ONE child who just wont get along.The other two step daughters I love dearly like they were my own....and I have tried so hard to get along with this one.For a while I was just smiling and nodding.But when my daughter is hurt I act like the mother lion and go crazy.