How honest should you be?

18 years ago

In the 7 years my DH has had custody, we have told countless *lies* to my SD about her mom. Not malicious lies, but lies to try to protect their relationship, and the way SD feels about her mom. Example - "Mom wants me to sleep with her when she doesn't have a boyfriend, but when she does she wants me in my own bed. She only wants me when she doesn't have a boyfriend." This of course was responded to with "that's not true - your mom always wants you." What else can you say?

According to my SD's counselor, something more honest than that. A response such as "You're right hon - she's pretty selfish that way" wouldn't be appropriate, but something like "I can see how you would feel that way and I'm sorry that you do" is fine. I guess it's always my first response to *protect* my SD from her mom and shelter her feelings, but according to the doctor we shouldn't be. He says to do so is invalidating SD's feelings, as well as excusing mom's behavior. It could also cause resentment later in life from my SD because we *lied* to her.

What do you all think about this? To sugar coat or not to sugar coat - that is the question.

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Comments (5)

weed30 St. Louis
18 years ago
That's so heartbreaking. I think the counselor is right about invalidating her feelings. What kind of good things does her mom do with her? Maybe you can acknowledge her feelings about the sleeping arrangements, but at other times note the good things that show her mom loves her? Definitely Not in the same conversation, because that would still be invalidating.

I guess it's out of the question for your DH to gently mention this to his ex?
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
You're enabling this girl's mother.

The mother not only gets off the hook, she gets the benefit of these words coming out of *your* mouth:
"Your mom always wants you".

You're shooting yourself in the foot, too;
do you want your step-daughter to think you lied to her becauase it was easier,
or do you want her to believe the good things you say about her mother?

(Hint: correct answer is "neither of the above":
Either way is bad.)

& "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a slap in the face:
It's the same as saying that the aggrieved person is making a mountain out of a molehill, or choosing to feel hurt, & just needs to get over it.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you can take (favorite stuffed animal, cd player, etc) next time, so you'll have company no matter what."

My heart breaks for kids being treated like this.

Could hubs talk to her mother & volunteer to take daughter any time mother is "pressed for time" or some such?

better to stay up all night at home & eat ice cream out of the carton than to go somewhere & come in second to your mother's boyfriend...
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ceph
18 years ago
Kids' feelings are so fragile can be difficult to predict... I don't envy your dilemma!

What about something sort of halfway between what you've been doing and what the therapist said? "Even when mom is wrapped up in a new boyfriend, she always loves you. But I know it can hurt when it feels like you're only wanted some of the time"

I see Sylvia's point that some people consider "I'm sorry you feel that way" as a slap in the face, but not all people do.
I might have reacted differently as a child, but when I'm upset all I want is for someone to acknowledge that my feelings have been hurt or that I'm unhappy for a legitimate reason. My niece is 6, and she's the same way - she wants someone to say "I see why you're upset" when she gets left out of something or her brother picks on her.
sweeby
18 years ago
My reading on it is that "Sounds like your Mom has a hard time sleeping alone. You know she loves you all the time, but it seems like she has a hard time knowing how best to show it."

Or maybe "It sounds like your Mom really doesn't like to sleep alone. She probably knows that sleeping with you isn't really what's best for you, but does it anyway sometimes to keep from feeling lonely."
finedreams
18 years ago
Do you mean mom doesn't want her to say over night at her house? That's pretty mean of her.

I don't think SD should be sleeping in the same bed with parents regardless of boyfriends or not. She should sleep in her own bed. It is weird of mom to suggest her kids should be sleeping with her under any circusmtances.

And mom shouldn't be having sleep overs with boyfriends while kid is in the house. Parents shouldn't be having sleep overs in children's presence. This situation sounds wrong no matter how one looks at it.

I don't know what to tell the kid, I wonder if DH can give a BM a hint: "kids need to be in their own bed regardless of BF or not".

How honest should you be?

Comments (5)

weed30 St. Louis

sylviatexas1

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How *honest* should you be?

Comments (5)

weed30 St. Louis

sylviatexas1

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ceph

sweeby

finedreams

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How honest should you be?