I just wanted to say that everyone has an opionion and that is great. Not all stepmoms or dads are bad people and I think sometimes we all get displayed that way. I did leave out somethings with this mixed marriage for there were several dealings with the law on his son and a lot of money was dished out from his father and myself. Held a job for about 2 months then decided hanging out with his friends was more important, so they fired him. Was kicked out of the same school twice went to go live with grandparents. They enrolled him into school where they live and he did graduate from that school, which I think is great. Still not holding a job all the while he is living with his grandparents who are retired and living on a fixed income. Sued his father for childsupport(per his sons mother)and won. Put us in a hole for 3 years while I was working 40 plus hours a week just to make ends meet. Yes my daughter also got herself into some legal trouble but she had a parttime job and I made it quite clear that she would be paying this all herself. It was a costly lesson but she learned from it and I saw a 180 degree change in her. Am I saying she is an angle no, and she is a typicial 18 year old who knows everything. Just like we all were at that age. She is very protective of me for what she saw when I was married to her father, which is no excuse for the anger. We have raised our kids 2 diffrerent ways, one not having any rules and lets his child do what ever he wants. Then you bring in a family who has had rules and you try to inforce those it just is not a good mix. Everyone one of us here live by the rules that are in place which are very simple, if you go somewhere please leave a phone number and their address incase we need to contact them. No my youngest does not have a cell phone my rule is when you get a job you can get a pre-paid phone and take care of it yourself. No phone after 9:00pm and that goes for any cell phones too. Yes there are ecceptions to that rule and the kids know that. They have a crefue 10:00 on school nights and 11:00 on weekends, with my oldest working she does not get home until 10:00 durring the week and that is an exception. If they are at a event up to school then that is also an exception too. Keep your room picked up and bring down your dirty clothes, and to help around the house if asked. Quite simple rules and not that hard to follow.

He really needs a parenting class or a counselor to tell him that he's doing it wrong. When my kids were younger, I was not so consistent... a little guilty parenting... etc. I had the same problem, the kids would ignore what I told them, I would get frustrated and give up.. not follow through. They learned all about empty threats... they knew how to wear me down to where it was easier to give in than follow through. Of course, I was a single parent... there were three of them.. and they took advantage of a tired mom after working a 10 hour day. (and they were older... Jr. High age) I took a parenting class when they were teenagers and I wish I had taken it before they were born.. or at least when they were younger. Honestly, I thought it was too late to make changes with my kids because they were practically grown. It was probably tougher than if they were 5 or 6, but things improved immensely with just being consistent and never saying anything I didn't really mean (ie. empty threats that they knew I would likely not follow through with) Your SS doesn't take his dad seriously because dad flakes on follow through. I can't say it's not a LD, but it sounds like he knows what he's doing... he's got dad's number. What I would suggest is that instead of telling DH that he needs a parenting class... because he rejects your advice or input... I would suggest that you approach it as a couple thing. "WE need to take a parenting class" My husband took it with me and it opened his eyes to a lot. Sometimes it takes an uninvolved third party to say it. He doesn't want to hear it from you. He may know that you are better with your DD than he is with his DS... so you telling him what he's doing wrong might be interpreted that you are better than him. (or make him feel that way) If you tell him you don't have all the answers and you would benefit from the class too, maybe he'd be more receptive to the idea. One thing to stress is that it only gets harder/worse... when they become older, smarter and learn new ways to manipulate. When they are teens, they also can become rebellious. He may have a teenager that borrows the car, breaks the rules regarding the car, brings it back late, dirty, broken down, gets tickets and dad will say never again! Then a week later, dad will give him the keys... It doesn't resolve itself.

cawfe - thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately my ex lives about 30 min away, so isn't available for much in the way of picking up/dropping off, unless it's on a weekend the boys are with him. I'm pretty much the primary parent, and my fiance helps when I have a scheduling conflict, but we don't rely on my ex for anything logistical. You're right, Dad's feeling left out although the boys are generally pretty circumspect in what they tell him of my fiance. They tell me nothing of my ex's GF (not that I ask except in the context of something else). sweeby - counseling is still an open question. The counselor who's doing the assessment of my older son has made it clear that she's not the right person to help us with co-parenting because that would put her in a dual role. She's happy to refer us to others, but the whole idea makes me tired. I can't tell you how many years we spent in counseling while we were married, both together and individual. I'm hoping that my son's counselor can help us get to the bottom of any harm that might have been done to him as a result of his father's fears. One alternative I'm considering is to give up on my ex ever changing, and instead work as a "family" within our current structure, the 4 of us (myself, fiance, 2 boys) and go to family therapy to talk about all of our concerns. This to me seems much more useful. I'm coming to the conclusion that in order to co-parent, there has to first be a foundation of trust and respect. Unfortunately we don't have either, and by the time we "get there" with a counselor, my sons will probably have gone off to college and the point would be moot. I'm pretty discouraged about making any progress, but then again I realize how stuck I am. It's late at night, I'm hoping all of this is somewhat coherent ;-) Ann

I sympathize with you. I remember feeling some of the same feelings at your age. I am the mom of kids in their twenties and I know they've had times when they've been frustrated with one another. It sounds like your issues are: You want to go out with your friends and not have to take your brother along. 2) You feel stuck in a box. 3) You want to be able to ride/have a motorcycle (although it doesn't sound like this is your main issue) 4) You are tired of doing your brother's chores 5) You want your brother to move out. First of all, in my opinion a busy 18-year-old is a happy, or at least happier, 18-year-old. If you were busy getting some type of college degree or doing some type of job training course and working part time at the same time, or if you were working full time, I think you would be happier. I think your parents would be less in your business and you would have a lot less time to even notice what your brother is doing. If a full time job or a degree isn't possible for you right now, then how about volunteering, which sometimes leads to job opportunities? Intense fitness program? Your issue#1, wanting to go out with friends and not have to take your brother along - the only thing I can think of is to talk to your parents about this. You shouldn't have to take your brother along. Sorry, I don't know what kind of advice to give as I don't understand why your parents would expect this. Issue #2, stuck in a box. If you are spending a lot of time at home, doing a few chores and working a part time job, then you are going to feel stuck in a box. See above - go to school, work longer hours if you can, volunteer, learn a skill like sewing or carpentry and market things on etsy, repaint your parents' house (you can learn to do it on their dime, i.e. learn a useful skill), learn to decorate cakes or repair small engines. Do stuff. It is very normal for an 18-year-old young woman to feel stuck in a box if she's not busy doing useful, productive things. Your feelings are normal, I think those feelings are healthy. My kids would be climbing the walls and unhappy with every little thing in their lives if they weren't busy. Your body and your brain are telling you that you are 18 years old and need to be busy learning and doing. If you are stuck in a part time job and college/technical school isn't an option for you, then job hunt, job hunt, job hunt. You need to be moving toward becoming self supporting if you can, so work 2 jobs, work 3 jobs, better yet, go get some type of additional education and job training if you can. Issue #4, doing your brother's chores. Don't. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Either do it or don't do it, but don't get angry about it if you do it. If you are too busy with school/work/volunteering/exercise/etc, then this won't even be an issue. You'll be too busy to do his chores. Issue #5, you want your brother to move out. It's your parents' house and it's up to them whether or not they let your brother live there. I wouldn't bring this up with my parents if I were you. I would bring it up if my brother was bringing illegal drugs into the house, if he was bringing friends home who threatened me, things like that. But you never know what might happen to you later in life and you might need to come back and live with your parents. I wouldn't pressure them to kick him out over the things you've mentioned. Again, if you are busy with school/work/volunteering/exercise/etc., then you'll be too busy to care where your brother lives. Re your brother not respecting your wishes about your gaming system, get some type of lockable box and lock your stuff up when you're not using it. Ooops, I forgot that one of your issues was that you want to go out with your friends, period, and your parents won't let you. I sympathize with that because my parents gave me some unfair difficulties over that issue. It's been over 35 years and I still don't understand why they were like that. Again, this would probably be fixed if you were busy with a job, school, etc. For example, if you were getting a college degree, then you could have all sorts of school related reasons to be out and about on campus at night. Study groups, art presentations at the university theater, campus volunteering, etc. After awhile the problem of not being able to go out with your friends would probably work itself out as your parents got used to you being gone places at night. I understand why it's tempting to compare yourself to your brother, but regardless of whether or not your parents are being fair, comparing yourselves like that isn't going to make you happier. You cannot control other people, but you can control yourself. What can YOU do to enrich your life? I am not telling you this to smack your hand, but to empower you. I hope you find something wonderful to do with your life!