Just to clarify - this activity took place at your neighbor's house? So it wouldn't have been that big a deal to run home real quick and get your daughter? I don't know why the hostess said there was no need to get your daughter because the girls were going over to someone else's house. Maybe the hostess just wanted her daughter to have only one guest, or maybe the girls were going to go over to someone else's house and just never did?

I wouldn't blame you for not inviting the DD over to your functions, but not because your DD wasn't invited. I wouldn't invite her because of her behavior issues, regardless of whether your daughter had been snubbed or not.

(Have I said before I can't stand bratty kids? :)

Yes. We live next door, she and her DD5 were just over playing in our yard two days prior. Along with the other little girl (9), who is in DD's grade at school. We're a pretty tight neighborhood in that way. This neighbor moved in a year ago and I was SO welcoming, and have continued to be welcoming.

She was trying to get out of inviting my daughter so she lied. The other mother is also our neighbor, and the kids (5 and 9) were supposedly going to her house. It's two doors down. They were up until midnight just like the rest of us, running around.

Maybe she didn't want my DD9 there, like I said, I can understand that. It just seems unnecessarily awkward, and I felt really uncomfortable for the first hour.

I can't stand bratty kids either. And I've been SO nice every time her little BRAT has scratched my daughter's face or pulled her hair. She's a couple of years younger, so I try to tell DD to be the bigger person, etc. Don't let her hurt you, but...

Thank you for your reply. I can't NOT invite her DD because I'm not that petty. But I FEEL like being that petty!!!!!!!!

How rude. I'd think she could have came up with something better to say than what she did. The whole incident was insensitive towards you and your feelings.

I will assume the hostess was planning on sending the girls away and the girls (afraid they'd miss something) wanted to stay. But I would have sent the girls packing prior to my guest arriving. She knew you were coming, knew you'd be surprised at seeing your daughter's friends there with no invitation for your daughter (or should have thought that far ahead)and did nothing but utter a stupid lie to cover...which continued to look like a sillier 'lie' as the evening wore on and the kids were still there.

Can't blame you for being a bit miffed over the event. it'd not be that biggie of a deal if she would have just told you ahead of time. There you stood asking if you should go get daughter and yet she said neither 'ok do that' nor did she send the other two girls on their way after saying they were leaving.

I can 'get' the lady not wanting a bunch of girls (especially if they sometimes play rough) but the invite should have either been 'bring your daughter along' or had enough sense to have no kids present when the guest arrived.

At least Little Silver does not know she was excluded...but I would not count on the girls keeping it a secret. Girls are girls, first time they get to catting at each other one is bound to let out that 'we had a slumber party and you did not get to come ha-ha'.

The hostess could have simply explained at invite time that her daughter was having one friend, it was all she could handle playing hostess, and she hoped you understood blah blah. It would have saved you the uncomfortable 'surprise' and you'd have known what was up when you walked in the door.

"She was trying to get out of inviting my daughter so she lied. "

A reasonable assumption -- but not a certain fact. Your relationship with this neighbor will certainly be easier if you give her the benefit of the doubt.

"The hostess could have simply explained at invite time that her daughter was having one friend"

Exactly! It's reasonable enough that if her kid had to be there (no sitter?), that she could invite *one* friend to play with. More than one friend would have changed the nature of the party from adult to 'Mommy-Daughter'...

Were you rude for asking? Goodness, no! What a perfectly natural question under the circumstances.

Did she handle it well? Also no. And I wouldn't feel too bad about watching her squirm a little while she processes her lack of grace...

I think the hostess was completely rude. Here's why - perhaps hostess felt that it would be nice for her daughter to have a playmate or two over, but one or two was enough. OK, fine, perhaps Silver's DD just wasn't invited for whatever reason this time - like was said, yes, that happens.

BUT. Here's why I think she was so flippin' rude - everybody knows I have a SS who lives with us. If I'm invited to a party and it's adults only that's wonderful. If I'm invited and the hostess' son is having a sleepover but SS wasn't invited, boys are quietly playing in the bedroom, well, I'm sure there was a reason.

But if I'm invited to what I'm led to believe is an "adult" party, and I leave SS at home only to get there and be put into a position of spending the evening with someone else's kids at the party - I'm not going to be happy. Not. At. All.

Silver went to what she thought was an "adult" party. Instead Silver got to spend the evening "partying" with a couple of nine year old girls. If Silver had wanted to spend the evening with a couple of nine year old girls, perhaps she would have chosen to stay home with her own DD rather than the neighbor's brat?

Sounds like she wasn't having a kids also party. Maybe just one child to help entertain hers..I wouldn't get upset about it just move on..

I am not making excuses for your neighbor but one thought comes to mind. Her daughter is 5, yours and other neighbor 9. (often 3 is not a good number) Perhaps when the 3 girls are together the fun is more 9 yr old related. Mom might be thinking her 5 yr old does better with just one of the girls at time. Still she handled it poorly - should have had her daughter and other one at the neighbors. I am sorry this happened to you.

You are way overthinking...it's her house, she has the right to have whoever she wants over, and in my opinion if anyone was out of line it was you for putting her on the spot like that asking if you should go get your daughter...it sort of forced her to probably make something up about them going next door...she was probably thinking that if you went and got your kid, it would snowball and any other kid who wasn't invited would feel left out.

I've been in this exact situation before (except for the "right next door" part), my friends in town all have kids around my kid's ages and they all get along, but some of my friends' kids are "best friends"...and are often there during adult functions when I was not told that I should bring my kids...but it never occurred to me that this was rude, or that I should ask if I should go get my kids.

Then to start thinking of how to get even with her...ok that's just getting a little scary...

Here's why I was caught off guard:

1. Here's the guest list:

Neighbor 1 (no young kids)
Neighbor 2 (DD9, at the party)
Neighbor 3 (me, DD9, not at the party)
Neighbor 4 (the hostess, DD5 at the party, DD18 at the party, DD18's BFF, at the party)

I can completely understand having only one friend over. DD has had other neighbor kids over without Neighbor 4's DD5 and I've never thought twice about it.

I never expected DD to be invited, the invite said "hi ladies, come over for a facial, in your PJs, there will be wine and sweets". To me, that means "don't bring your kid".

She texted me right on the dot to say everyone was waiting for me to begin the facial. I was 10 minutes late, because I had to run to the wine store to grab a bottle to bring to share (BTW, I wasn't the only one a little late, as I'm walking down my driveway I ran into Neighbor 1 (no kids) and we walked up to the house together). She had plenty of time to get the girls over to the other neighbor's house.

Neighbor 4's husband was also there, making popcorn for the girls in the popcorn machine, etc. There was another adult in the house, she didn't need a sitter or another kid to keep her kid happy. The party started at 7pm, which is "adult party time" and her DD5 could have been in dad's room watching a telly show.

This was a choice. She choose to have three neighbors over, two with children, and only invite one.

Maybe it wasn't well thought out. But she did nothing to make the situation any more comfortable for me either.

Imagine you go to the door, about to walk in, and there are giggly little girls running through the house, TOUCHING every appetizer, giggling and having a grand time. Imagine the torrent of feelings that run through you.

Then imagine asking if DD can come over, and being told no, because the girls are leaving. Then imagine the girls popping in and out of the room, coming in after the dog, etc.

They weren't a disturbance (hey, I have kids) but it was a distraction, especially since every time I was reminded of little DD's face saying "can I go mom, will ND5 and ND9 be there" and me telling her "no, honey, it's an adult's party, but if she's there when I get there I'll ask, ok".

Thank you Mattie. Everyone knows I have DD. Everyone knows she was at home, with DH. It's fine if DD's not always invited. It's fine if she didn't want three girls running around. But either you're having a party, or you're not.

So the party was "Mommy-daughter". It was Neighbor 4, her teen daughter, her teen daughter's friend, and her daughter 5. It was Neighbor 2, and her daughter. Neighbor 1 (no young kids) and myself.

In other words, three adult women, two teen girls, a 9 and a 5 year old.

This is not a posh event, this is a Mary Kay facial at 7pm on a Monday.

If you're having something posh, don't let your 5 year old stick her grubby little fingers in the food that everyone is going to eat. You don't let the kids eat off the adult table unless....

IT'S NOT AN ADULT PARTY...

In which case, party on kids. Oh, all but one kid. If there were 6 kids their age in the neighborhood and all of them weren't invited... ok.

DD was the only one excluded. And I feel it was unnecessary, and I feel she could have planned better.

I'm still mad, but I'm sending my thank you card over today.

Not everyone has manners, and I would never invite a bunch of women over and exclude only one child. It's mean, it's rude, and it was uncalled for.

Yikes! Thank god guys don't think like this....lol!

mkroopy, surely you can appreciate the differences between men & women? You make it sound like it'a a bad thing to feel something when someone treats you badly. Women are usually the emotional & nurturing ones (not always but usually) and if they were more like men, what do you think relationships would be like?

Do I think women overreact.. um, yes. I am raising a child for a woman that chose to run off with a boyfriend & is not interested in her daughter's life... yet, her being possessive as a mother (because she gave birth) has made the job she left here a hard road because she would throw a fit if I did anything "motherly" for her daughter, even though she won't. I think most guys would be glad another guy stepped up to be there for his kids, even if he is involved. So, there are times that it would be better to be less emotional & more diplomatic. But, when someone is rude... doesn't matter whether you are a man or woman, there's nothing wrong with being upset by it. Some people get more upset than others... and I do know a few guys that might get more upset over some things that wouldn't bother me.

I think the hostess was rude & silver has every right to feel the way she does. Perhaps there's some overthinking involved but there was certainly some underthinking on the part of the hostess.

I still don't think the hostess did anything "rude" or "offensive". Sure, maybe she might have thought how the OP might take it that her kid wasn't invited over...but she was probably more concerned about setting up for her party and just wanted her kid to have someone to hang with...and didn't take the time to consider how everyone else might take it.

Nobody's perfect, we all make oversights, all of us, all the time. This was not a big one. I just think to make such a big deal out of it (I mean my god, look at how much effort she put into that last post!) is taking it to an extreme level.

Oh, and as for your question "...and if they were more like men, what do you think relationships would be like?" I can definitively answer that...my ex wife was (and still is) NOT the emotional/nurturing type at all....and you are right, that didn't turn out well at all. I guess I figured that since compared to most men I am bit emotional/nurturing, I figured we would sort of cancel each other out or something....oh well, joke was on me I guess.

Actually it didn't take much effort Mkroopy, I type fairly fast and read even faster.

And I didn't make a big deal out of it. I asked if DD could come over, she said no, I said, ok, that's great, she's watching movies with her stepdad. And I didn't say one more word about it, IRL.

I posted in detail because if I just say DD wasn't invited then no, it's not rude. But when you consider that the children of everyone else invited were invited too.........

THAT'S what makes it rude, IMO. MK, you might be right, she just wanted someone to hang with her kid. And she didn't take the time to consider how it might be taken. But when I ended up at her door, she could have considered it, and she made a choice there too.

Obviously, we aren't that great of friends. People I count among my good friends wouldn't exclude just one kid. That's not how we roll. People who have a party and invite everyone except for one person, a 9 year old girl, are not nice people. Oversight or not. Easy to remedy. She made a choice not to. Tells me a lot about the kind of person she is.

Whatever, I'm done. Thank you to everyone who posted.

Whats this have to do with step families
any ways?

gardenandcats..... in the very first post she stated.... "Totally OT ladies...." sometimes this may be the place some feel most comfortable talking about other stuff. It's ok. You didn't have to continue reading after that statement.

BTW, OT=Off Topic

BTW=By the Way

Did you Send your TY note yet? If not I might write: Thanks so much for having me over for your party, it was really fun. Too bad DD wasn't welcome as well. She would have really enjoyed playing with all the other children. Oh well, Take care & thanks again.
~Silver.

It's probably tacky to write something like that (though I would really be tempted in this case) but it's cathartic to write it out if even just to crumble it up and toss it. Yes, I think if all the other children were present yours should not have been excluded. But live and learn. I probably wouldn't be hanging too much with her in the future. sounds like she didn't outgrow the mean girls club.

((hugs))
~Cat

I can't tell you how thankful I am for your post Cat. I hope you're snug as a bug in YOUR new home!

You're right Mom3, it's cathartic to write here and then I can pretty much let it slide IRL.

Here's what I did: Nothing. Yesterday DD asked if she could ask ND5 to play and I said yes. They played at my house for a couple of hours, then went to ND house and played there. It was dark when she came home and N walked her back and we said goodnight. Everything fine. At least for DD.

And that's what matters, right?

Right on! You'll never regret taking the high road that's for sure.
And thank you :0) Yes, so much better now. ((Hug))
-Cat