We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with. The SD cant stand that fact and has used it as a reason to not come to our house. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. She has used that to say that we have chosen our dogs over the safety of their children because I refuse to part ways with my dogs. We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough - they have insisted we get them new homes! for someone that may have come to visit 3 times a year, it was not a reasonable request. If they lived with me and my dogs were causing health concerns, it would be totally different. This battle has gone on for 1 1/2 year and now we dont do any holiday or family get togethers at our house at all - so imagine me hauling food and presents for 20+ people over to someone elses house to accomdate Christmas. I don't have any thoughts or advice about the rest of the post, but I do have thoughts/advice about this part. I have asthma myself and I know many people with asthma. It's very possible you may be underestimating the seriousness of this issue for your husband's grandchildren. Your stepdaughter is not handling this the way I would, if I were in her shoes (at least that's what I think). If I were your stepdaughter, I would not insist or even ask that you get rid of the dogs. But I would not be visiting your home, probably ever, if it caused my children to have asthma attacks. Even if the attacks were just sometimes. I would kindly and pleasantly let you know that was the issue, then it would be up to you and your husband to decide whether to keep the dogs or not. I would not be attending family/holiday get-togethers at your home, and I would very much expect that you and your husband would be not only willing but also understanding enough to haul your presents and food to someone else's home without complaint in order to prevent my children from having an asthma attack. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. Exactly. They have asthma attacks from dogs (sometimes) but also from other things. Asthma is probably a constant battle for them. There are so many places their children have to go that cause problems for them, why would you insist that they come to your home when you could visit them instead? We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough No, putting the dogs outside is not good enough. Please, please for the sake of your relationship with your husband and his family, educate yourself about asthma. Here is some information about pet dander and asthma from the web site about.com: In fact, it is dander or the proteins in skin flakes, urine, feces, saliva and hair that trigger your asthma symptoms. Removing your pet from the home and avoiding contact with the pet is the most effective way to decrease exposure to animal dander. A "trial removal" is not recommended as it may take as many as 20 weeks following removal for allergen levels to fall to levels similar to those of homes without pets. If you do remove the pet from the home, make sure you thoroughly clean all bedding products, floors, carpets and other surfaces where dander may collect. If pet removal is going to produce depression, crying and gnashing of teeth for you or your child, making the pet an "outside only" animal is a partial solution, but will not fully decrease your exposure to animal dander If you and your husband insist on keeping the dogs and that your grandchildren visit you, then you probably ARE choosing the dogs over your husband's grandchildren's safety. . We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with It's very possible your husband didn't know himself what a huge issue this would be. Many, many people, like yourself, think simply putting the dogs outside is good enough. However, now you both know that it is a problem, and it's up to the two of you to decide how to deal with this problem. I don't think your stepdaughter should insist that you give up the dogs. However, if you were my stepmother I would be very, very, very, very, very angry if I had told you what a problem this causes and you continued to dismiss it. Very angry. Really, really, really angry. I'd be angry and I certainly, absolutely would think you were not the life's companion for my father I hoped he'd have. I just want him to stand up to his ASD and tell her that I am here to stay, deal with it, accept it, and quit being so petty over stuff. Your husband's grandchildren have asthma that is sometimes triggered by pet dander. They are his grandchildren, they SHOULD be there to stay, you should deal with it and accept it and do what you can to minimize the impact of your pets on your grandchildren's health. I can certainly understand why you'd rather have your beloved pets with you every day rather than get rid of them over someone who only visits 3 times a year. However, you are minimizing and dismissing valid health concerns your step daughter has. As her children's mother, it's her responsibility to advocate for their health in a situation like yours. She is not being petty, she is being a responsible mother. I hope this helps you to see the other side of the issue. I hope you and your husband can find some resolution to this issue. The only other thing I would add is that sometimes certain things will cause problems for me and other times those same things won't. It's not like cat dander (one of the things I'm allergic to) will always cause problems for me. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. But if my threshold is low (and I don't always know when that will be), then cat dander causes a problem for me, ranging in severity. So please don't be dismissive of the issue if your husband's grandchildren don't always have asthma attacks due to the dogs. Even if the problem is intermittent, it's still an issue. That's not your stepdaughter being petty, it's the reality of her children's life. She MUST deal with that on behalf of her children, she has no choice. But YOU do have a choice. Good luck whatever you decide.

Well, you certainly have been vocal about enjoying your adult kids at home and I can certainly relate. My own family would be easy for me to tolerate - they've never mistreated me or mine and if they ever did get moody, I'd have no problem speaking my mind. And, in my old age, I really hope my dear sons do come back home after college. I'd love it! I hope we'll always be close as my parents and I have always been close. And, if I ever do need something in my advancing years, I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting on my skids to help out - it just isn't their thing. It will be MY family who has always been there for me and who I can count on - hopefully, my sons will be of a similar mind to me and not of the thinking that my skids have - they're selfish, spoiled and have a huge sense of entitlement. I pray they mature and grow out of that stage, but I haven't really seen signs of that happening. My youngest's b-day is Thurs. and she said, "I'm gonna take you to Toys 'R Us and buy you a big dinosaur!" Meanwhile, my oldest (turned 7 a month ago) is still waiting for his trip there, also promised, but never delivered though she did decorate a little on his b-day w/ balloons that I had around. He asked me when she was going to take him and I just said for him not to ask her again as I guess she forgot and it isn't polite to keep asking. Not sure what else to do here. When my friends had a surprise shower for me, neither SD brought so much as a card. Christmas? Nothing for me or the boys again. Do you see a pattern? And, before you ask, yes, I shop for them, but what I buy is usually returned. One year, I bought the younger one 8 different things FROM HER LIST and every single one slowly but surely was returned. She would ask for the receipt, then had my DH ask for the last ones as I guess she felt embarrassed or something. If my nephews, cousin, sons or someone from my family didn't let me know about dinner, coming home, etc, I'd have no problem not accommodating them or calling their cell phones at midnight to find out where they were. W/ this one, it's a toss up and I am uncomfortable if she isn't home and it's late - worried about an accident. It was the same crap when my SS lived w/ us. Frankly, I haven't MUCH time alone at all and just want to have my immediate family living in the house I built for them. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish to you. I thought this was a forum in which to seek support and vent out our frustrations. I'm sick of houseguests, permanent or temporary, and the lack of consideration that goes along w/ them. As I'm sure I mentioned somewhere, a one bed. apt, as one of my assts. rents in a nice area, goes for $800/mo. My asst. makes nowhere near what my SD makes. My steps could either share a room and let the younger SD's bf have the second bedroom of the rental (which I wish was just rented to some stranger at this point) or, let the younger SD and her bf have the master and this SD have the secondary bedroom. I could get close to $2000/m, but wouldn't be comfortable upping the rent from what I rented to my current tenant, so it will stay where it was. I think I've done my time w/ my steps: the thanks I got from the son was shafting me on the student loan I cosigned for him foolishly, paying his car to this day - though my DH finally got it back, we can't get rid of it in the condition and w/ the miles he left it, and we still pay his cell, hoping to keep a line of communication open which has not been the case for 3 years. I don't want to hold his faults against this SD, but so many things are similar, not that I'd be stupid enough to ever sign another note. I can't change who I am, and I do worry at night when it's late and the steps aren't home. Last night, this one was out til 11:00 this morning. Was I told? No. There are accidents here every day and night on the news - don't tell me not to worry 'cause I do. I had a head-on collision in my late 20's and if my mom wasn't the worrier she is, I might have died waiting on help as I suffered a pneumothorax from a driver who fell asleep and hit me as I was coming home from residency late one night. But, I was responsible and if I wasn't home when I was supposed to be and didn't call, my parents knew something was wrong. Last night, I had confirmation for my CCD class and my oldest son had a b-day party to attend so my SD babysat the younger two for the hour between me leaving and my husband returning. It's the second time in 5+ months that she helped out. When I returned, I said to my husband that we ought to grab a quick dinner alone and she quickly stormed out, "I'm going OUT in 45 min, so if you're going, you better make it quick!" I didn't say anything, just went upstairs and changed. It's not that I didn't appreciate her helping out, but it's the entire attitude she has that is on my nerves. BTW, all of the interior doors in this house were to have the same little wrench that opens them that we planned to keep above the door frames for each bedroom. But, my 4 y.o.'s and the guest room are the only ones that got them. I'm not one who locks her bedroom door, but after having her barge through on Good Friday thinking I wasn't home, I guess I should. Do you think that is OK to do w/ the excuse that she didn't realize I was in there? I guess I'm being unreasonable again? Sorry, but I disagree and now wonder what the heck she was doing in there and how often she did it! Dana

Oh, ouch, ouch. Tough spot, Ima. Sad to say I'd trust this young girl as about how far I could throw her. She has proven over and over again not to be trustworthy. On top of that, the kid is not near as 'street wise' as she'd like to think she is. She's a kid who normally lives a fairly well supervised safe little life. Kids tend to get in the frame of mind that nothing bad will happen to them. Maybe some other kid, but surely not them. If I were Dad, I'd hit the safety thing hard and heavy. Sure walking around town (whether in shorts/tank or a turtleneck/jeans) as young girls of their age is dangerous. Even if they think they are going to meet someone they know and trust, who knows what other person may intercept that meeting and do harm to them. How many young girls/teens go missing and are either never seen again or found dead...and all they were doing is going down the street to met a friend. Scary stuff out there. While you don't want to scare the kid to live her life as if evil lurks around every corner, well, in reality it can be. While SD is full of secrets and 'fun' plans to sneak off and meet a guy she knows and likes, she's not thinking of all the other facts tghat could happen. She's a kid, nothing can happen to her. It only happens to other kids, not her. Not her friend. Nope, they ar safe, they can handle themselves and nothing to worry about. And then yes, the very real thought that even if she survives the walks and sneaking around, there is the fear of pregnacy and STD. But of course she's not thinking about or worried about this either. She's 'all grown up', knows how to handle herself and well, that too only happens to other kids, not her. I get the thought lines of not wanting to encourage the kid to have sex. Not wanting them to thinkn you approve blah blah blah. But then one has to stop and wonder. If the girl is bent on doing what she pleases, lying about it, sneaking around and jumping in head first into going to do it like it or not, what other options does a parent have in trying to protect the child? I tend to think once a kid starts to show signs she is going to do this no matter what, the thoughts towards preventing it need to sometimes face reality too. Of course no parent wants their kid having unsafe sex, unprotected sex or sex period at that young age. Of course parents don't want to write the kid a 'free pass' to think they can do it 'heck mom/dad approve, even helped me do it safely'. But some parents come to the point where the parent has little choice. They either have to do all they can to protect the child or they have to keep turning that blind eye and praying their kid suddenly grows a brain, stops herself in time, develops a last second change of mind and/or survives the experience as intact as she was before the 'event'. Obviously the girl is not ready to be a mother. The girl likely is not even equating sex yet to motherhood, let alone some STD that could affect her the restg of her life. Nope, she's thinking like a 13 yr old with all the ability of a immature untrustworthy child bound to 'grow up' before her time. The BC is a choice your husband will have to make all on his own. he's going to have to sit down and talk to her one way or the other. Sometime I doubt he's looking forward to nor knows quite what to say. He's going to have to come to the conclusion that he is the responsible parent when it comes to his child and make a decision based on what he honestly believes is the right/best choice pertaining to the daughter. He can't count on BM to do it nor to supervise her. He can't count on SD to instantly take this all seriously and understand her actions could have great consequences attached. Any chance he can get through to BM that SD needs to stay home this summer, maybe go to summer school. Is BM in denial on the chances of what could happen this summer or is she just immune to caring? (not really in a she does not love the child but just naturally accepts it's ok for this behavior at this age) If BM thought she would get SD handed back to her to live 24/7 and raise (along with a possible grandchild or a STD infection or even a raped traumatized daughter)would she be open to discussing leaving the child home with Dad?

Yeah, I guess I was doing the respecting for my husband, but partially because I m a mom too, and they are kids, with not the best of judgement for their ages, altho 5 years have passed and they should be wising up by now....I actually have not spoken to them since the wedding fiasco, where the 24 yr old wanted dad to pay half costs, he wont call anymore because we didnt pay...Thr 17 year old hasnt been here either since April, but he has a weekend job, and they live about an hour away, but dad calls him weekly and wants to set up a visit...But, he is hinting around for dad to buy him a car.The kid earns money and has a ton of money in the bank(dad does his taxes, so thats a fact)But kids mother told him he has NO money in the bank, and she controls it...So another case of dad the bad guy, wont pay for my brothers wedding, wont buy me a car..Dad works hard, I work, ex has never had a job in her life.Cries, cries cries, to the kids, get money off them..I wonder what will happen when the 17 yr old is emancipated and no money will be coming in to her, she is 54 years old....We cant be responsible for supporting her forever..Sigh..Seems so far away to be rid of her ...Sorry so long of a whine......Advice to keep sanity????