Hi Sophia,

It's quite simple -- you ask him. Not being on speaking terms is a poor excuse for putting this off. Think first of your child. Seems like you are worrying about this and putting it off because of your own poor relationship with your ex. But your child needs his Dad, and you are the adult. Take the bull by the horns and call him. Tell him that your son has expectations of seeing his Dad over the holidays and you want to make plans now so there is no confusion. Keep your personal feelings out of it -- and do what is right for your child.

Here's another thought -- think about what role you play in the anxiety your child has now, or that you anticipate in the future. Do you speak harshly or negatively of his Dad in front of him? Is your strained relationship with his Dad readily visible to your son? Does your son see your angst and hesitation over contacting his Dad about the visitation? Does he see your anger over missed visitation and custody battles? And just why do you not know how to approach the ex about this?

Food for thought.

Thanks.
I absolutely know that my son needs his dad. and i WANT my son to be able to spend time with his dad and his dad's side of the family. it's just that I fear that it will be a huge argument, as it always is....
I know, I am procrastinating about it. I DO have so much anxiety when it comes to my ex. it is my greatest source of fear/pain/angst, you name it.
I try not to speak harshly about my ex but there is no doubt that my son has heard negative comments from my family, friends,husband, esply my mother, about his dad. and I am sure that my son can sense that it is a difficult situation. My son has defintly seen my pain over all of this. Perhaps that is why he rarely shows his own.
I guess that I am just so tired of fighting with my ex, you know. it's been 7 years of this. The only way that i know how to do that now is to avoid communication with him.
thanks for your support.

Hi Sophia,
What does your custody agreement say for holiday visitation? If it is clearly spelled out, you can simply ask your ex if he plans on exercising his visitation and that his son looks forward to seeing him. If it's not clearly spelled out ... I'd suggest having it done. A well thought out and worded custody agreement can thwart so many arguments ...

And jeez, what's left to fight about after 7 years? Surely the pain, hurt and anger must have softened by now! Either way, you MUST put aside your fears and hurts and do what is right for your son. Even if that communication is difficult for you, it is the right thing to do. Think of your son first! Remember that your ex can no longer hurt you -- he can piss you off, yes, but he can't hurt you unless you give him that power. (I have to qualify that -- he's not physically abusive to you or your son, is he? If he is, that will change my answer completely!)

Good luck ...

We don't have anything in place regarding holidays. yes, we should put somthing in writing, I suppose.
No, he is definitely not physically abusive.
The pain, anger and hurt is still there because it is unresolved and things have continued to happen throughout the years that have caused more. I am not concerned about my ex hurting me. I am concerned about the effect that he has on my son because there is no schedule in place and my ex doesn't really seem to want there to be a consistent schedule. It is moreso, like when it is convenient for him.
Thanks for your words of advice. I really appreciate it.

Sophia, I too live in Ontario and have worked in family law. Do you currently have a court order or agreement that addresses custody/visitation/access? If not, I agree with mom 2 4, you need one. I'm not sure I understand why you have allowed yourself to be controlled by fear and anxiety for seven years over issues that can and should be clearly spelled out in legal terms. You mentioned court dates in your first post so I will assume that at least some issues were brought before a judge. For the sake of your son, I would suggest you vary your court order to include specific details regarding access/visitation, particularly spelling out the schedule for holidays. It will certainly lessen your level of anxiety which I'm sure affects your son.

You also mentioned in one of your posts that you try not to say negative things about your son's father but he hears things from your husband and your mother! That has to stop Sophia and you need to communicate that to them. When your son hears negative, hateful things being said about his father, it makes him feel bad for loving him. I was a step child and know that first hand. I am also now involved in a relationship with a man who has children, and despite the fact that their mother is (in my opinion) nothing short of a raging lunatic at times, she is their mother, they love her, and it would NEVER be right for me to say a negative word about her in their presence.

just wanted to let you know that my ex and I were talking to each other last night and we plan to meet on sat morning to discuss the holidays!!! Wish me luck. I'm a bit nervous. Although, I must admit, he seemed pleasant enough! and he told me that HE is expecting, too! We congratulated each other and sincerely meant it. It felt good. I think this a turn for the better! I'll keep you posted!
:)