odd behavior with stepdaughter

17 years ago

A little confused here, my husband just reunitied with his daughter and son after leaving them 15 years ago. He is now obsessed to the point of where he is telling her things he use to tell me, (we are in a marital slump, seeing a counsler way before this) he calls her more than me, says things to her "hi beautiful" "i need u" "cant be without u" I find that very disturbing. He keeps it a secret when he talks to her doesnt include me in anything like when she is coming over, when he goes to see her. Its like he is having an affair almost. I have tried over and over talking to him about the way i feel and i am feeling left out. He promises to make things better, but the behavior continues.

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Comments (9)

garden_wench
17 years ago
What does the counselor say?
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
This sounds eerily like what happened to my friend Jill:

Jill's father left her mother when Jill was a baby.

When Jill was 18, she met him, liked him, wanted to establish a relationship with him.

He hadn't known her as a child, he never had developed parental feelings toward her, she was an attractive younger female...

At their second meeting, he made a pass at her.
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sarajk28
17 years ago
Sylvia, you just made my skin crawl.

Are you sure he is actually visiting and talking with her? Sounds pretty odd to me.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
sorry, sara!

I think you may have hit the nail on the head on this one, though.
coolmama
17 years ago
Hmmm,I kinda felt that way a little myself before. My husband kept commenting to his daughters how he,"made such beautiful girls" in a flirtious way.Yeah,I got a little jealous and felt werid.Then I just told myself these were his CHILDREN.It is exspecially hard though cuz the girl hasnt been around. Sounds to me like he's treating her more like his friend then his daughter,and alot of parents do that (which is totally wrong to do by the way).
Start ignoring him and maybe he'll want to talk to you more.Hate to say it,but even dr. Phil said men want what they cant have.
issol
17 years ago
I think everyone is freaking over nothing. For one, I dont care how long it has been since he has seen his daughter. He loves her and has since the day she was born. We were made to create offspring and to care and love for that offspring. He is making up for the 15 years he lost. He knows that all the attention he gives her upsets you, so he doesnt want to start anything with you. Thus, the secretive calls and meetings. Men dont think the way women do, so he isnt seeing what you are and vice versa. Give him time with his daughter. He needs this and if you pull him away, he will grow to hate you......BUT, i dont know you or him. I just know all this from experience. The key here is lots and lots of open honest communication. Talk to him about it everyday. When he starts to get upset with you for asking to many questions about her, then you have a problem...somethings up.
coolmama
17 years ago
I agree it seems kinda odd to be upset/jealous over this,although I have felt that way too,but quickly talked myself out of that feeling.Now if he was calling one of her girlfriends,then I'd worry!
drpax
17 years ago
Hi,

I also agree that there is nothing really to worry about the new attention or interest. Parents who abandon their kids live with guilt, and his action may actually be driven more by the guilt and trying hard "to make up" for what he has lost.

Also, does he have any other older or younger daughter. If not, then that is also another factor. Men generally tend to dote on their daughters, hence the stronger attention.

Given that you are currently going through some marital problems and going through counseling, you might naturally find the renewed attention concerning (because you might think he now has a new love interest, possibly replacing his interest in you), hence the natural tendency to be concerned about this. Indeed, he might find the contact with the daughter a convenient, though unjustifiable, diversion from the marital problems.

Re secret phone calls, how do you define secret ? Does he talk to her in your presence? Are you included in the conversation? Does he hand you the phone to say hello with the daughter?

I would agree though that there is a difference between expressing parental love and seeming flirtations. And if indeed, some of his actions can be considered flirtatious, then there is concern.

Try talking to him. Don't push, but try to see if you all can enjoy some activities together. See if you can invite the daughter home and watch their actions/reactions.

All the best - DrPax
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
If you're calling your daughter (or somebody) by the endearments you used to call your wife, & your wife feels left out, & you promise to "make things better" & you don't....something is very much the matter.