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In need of HELP

19 years ago

I am currently living with my husband, 5 stepchildren, and my biological son. The stepchildren ages are F-16, F-15, F-13, M-11 and M-7. My son is 7 months old. My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years. The living situation has changed several times within this time. The first time around we only had his two sons, then we had all of the children, then we only had the youngest four. My husband has an open relationship with his children and has let them decide where they want to leave. Within the past year, his oldest daughter has since returned to leaving with us. We tend not to get along. It has since gotten worse, to the point where I just don't want to be around her. It was easier when it was just the other children as I feel as though she is the "ring-leader" leading the other children not to accept me anymore. I try to express to my husband how I feel (and I am not saying that I always do it in the most appropriate way) but most times he tells me that I don't have to deal with them. I feel as though we need to show the children that him and I are together because if we don't the kids just "feed" off of the fact that "I don't have to deal with you, I can just deal with my father." I need help becuase I am scared that pretty soon my husband and I are going to split because I can't handle the step daughters

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Comments (5)

jerseystepmom
19 years ago
A united front is extremely important! If my husband and I were not in agreement on most of the issues around the kids and ex......we would have split up. Also, letting the kids decide where they live and when opens you up for their games to continue to play not just you against your husband, but bio mom against the two of you. Running back and forth, depending on who gives in more, etc. My advice: get into therapy with your husband....quickly.
jkelsey31
Original Author
19 years ago
Would you suggest just my husband and I going to therapy or all of us? Thanks for the quick response!
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sweeby
19 years ago
Good advice Jersey --

Therapy should be just the two of you to start.
Then see what the therapist suggests about involving the other kids. I can't even imagine a therapy session with 2 adults and 6 kids...

How your relationship with BioMom? Is she sensitive to these problems and supportive of your marriage? It would be unusual, but not unheard of...
jerseystepmom
19 years ago
I agree -- just the two of you to start. You need to be together on the issues before you approach the kids. And, if you and your husband are in therapy and going forward in a united way, it would probably not be necessary for the kids to go too.

Be prepared....when the kids sense that they aren't getting away with this anymore, it will likely get worse before it gets better! But, as long as you and your husband value each other and are together on it....you'll be ok.
jkelsey31
Original Author
19 years ago
The BioMom (to be honest) is horrible. She can not keep a house or a car or a phone. I honestly believe that is why they decided to leave with us. The BIOMom is not supportive at all. In the beginning, the kids would see her every other weekend. Now, because there is no car on her part, it is very rare that they see her. They do speak to her on the phone everyday, that is pretty much it.
Thanks for the advice about counseling

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