I would say that there are about twice as many adoptees searching than birthparents. Many birthmothers feel that they have no right to search, that they gave up that right when they signed over their children. That does not mean that they don't want a reunion. Birthparents are more afraid of looking also because the adoptee might not even know they are adopted. A birthmother knows that she is a birthmother. It is far better and easier for the adoptee to search. Birthparents usually just came to our meetings just for support or in case their child was there. I also believe that unless it is an open adoption, it is best to wait until an adoptee is an adult and better equipped emotionally to do the search. Teen years are hard enough to survive. Yes, the truth is worth knowing. Honesty is important. Done correctly even though the news may be bad, it doesn't have to mean sad ramifications that can't be dealt with. LOL If I knew all you wanted was a huge inheritance, I would not help you with a reunion. We are talking emotional well-being here. When I did a search with an adoptee, we had many a talk on all of the what if's, I made sure that an adoptee had someone to go to for councilling if necessary. There was follow-up. It is your sister's right not to do a search. I respect that immensely. Just as I haven't passed on much in the way of information to my twin because she doesn't want to know. I have a scrapbook made for her about our birthparents and how I have done the search and the details. If she ever wants to see it, it is hers. I did it just in case something ever happened to me and she changed her mind. If she never wants to see it, so be it. It is her right not to know. BTW, Birthmothers are very special people. They did the best they could at the time. It isn't an easy decision to make, and for all the birthmothers out there, I give you a huge hug. It is far easier nowadays to keep children and far more accepting. Years ago, there was no support.

Well Kathline, when you say "things people have complained about on here" and mention the 'ice cream for breakfast' which was clearly something I complained about, I'm not just taking a vague comment personal, unless there were others here that complained about ice cream for breakfast. and of course when you put it the way you did,(like that was the issue), I wanted to make it clear that it was not the issue. It's not hard to decipher that the reason she was throwing up when she told us she ate as much as she wanted (we asked if mom put it in a bowl and she said said mom was still in bed and she ate from the carton with a spoon. She told us that she felt sick the rest of the day and wouldn't eat any dinner. She had also made herself a tuna sandwich without draining the tuna. She said she only ate a few bites because it made her feel more sick. When she threw up, it looked like melted chocolate ice cream. Yes, I can say stomach flu. I've had it and so has she. It wasn't stomach flu. Nobody sent BM any nasty emails. DH sent her an email asking her what was going on because SD told him 'her side' and he wanted to get BM's side. She blew up and told him it's none of his business what she does in her house. Normally, we both agree with that. He doesn't call/email her when she lets SD stay up all night playing video games or watching movies. He doesn't call/email her when BM lets her watch R rated movies, He doesn't call/email her when she feeds her whatever she wants. He doesn't call/email her when SD doesn't take a shower/bath or brush her teeth all weekend because it won't kill her to miss a day or two. He has emailed her over issues he felt were serious enough... 1. She let her BF's kids sleep on the bed with her daughter the very first time they were all in the same house. 2. She was telling her daughter that she was moving over to her house after Christmas and the daughter was telling everyone at her school she was moving when she wasn't. BM hadn't even discussed it with him. 3. DH let her know (after letting it go twice) that she can't keep picking up their daughter early from school for no reason other than she wants to. 4. and he told her that SD got sick from the ice cream and suggested that SD should be supervised in the kitchen so she won't get sick. (Besides the fact that SD has issues with food) and yes, BM complained that I gave her daughter peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in her school lunch and oatmeal for breakfast. She said I was being abusive. Nobody has ever told BM she was being abusive in any way. We may think it's inappropriate and borders on neglect but that wasn't said to her. In fact, what I did say to her when she accused me of abusing her daughter is that a concerned mother that thought her child was being abused for 'weeks' like she said, would have called CPS or the authorities and not wait until my husband tells her she can't pick up her daughter from school early to start making those sort of accusations. I guess if you want to say that telling her that is being nasty, then I guess I'm guilty. I used the CPS word and that's the context in which I used it, I didn't threaten to call CPS on her, I told her she should call on me if she thinks I'm abusing her child. (my husband did tell her one time that if she isn't going to respond to any of his concerns, he'd have it investigated to make sure his daughter is safe) Oh yeah, and my husband did email her about SD saying she rode on the cardboard tied to the back of BM's truck and about discussing the child support issue with their daughter. Nobody can change someone else and I don't think I have ever thought I could. However, I do believe in debating one's point and through explaining philosophies or reasoning, it can change other's points of view. My point of view has been changed on some issues from what others have posted here, where a point was brought up that I may not have thought about before. Isn't that what a forum like this is for? Isn't this forum here to vent? Get advice? Share? I believe in the beginning, I wrote this is more of a vent, as I know that nobody can stop BM from what she says. and you are entitled to your opinion that I am WAY too involved in what goes on at BM's house. The fact is, I'm more concerned about what goes on at MY house. I'm WAY more concerned about how my SD feels about the whole situation and her difficulty in dealing with it. When BM cancels a weekend to go coach her BF's kid's baseball team, or when she says she can't pick her up from school like she's supposed to and wants to pick her up at our house, and then comes later than she says, it affects me because we usually make plans ahead of time and now we are left to 1. explain to SD that her mom can't make it or is going to be late, which always is met with crying and her being upset. BM won't do her own dirty work. She just doesn't show up and we are left to explain. 2. if we have plans, we have to change them to include SD and occasionally, it's a problem. Especially if we have tickets or reservations somewhere. She's ruined our plans many times and upset/disappointed her daughter more times than I can count. I don't take everything as a criticism that I respond to and I don't think I get defensive. Perhaps it sounds that way or can be interpreted that way, but I don't think I have anything to be defensive about. I may have an opinion or if I feel something I said is taken out of context, I will try to explain my position better. As for my dealings with BM, I don't deal with her, my husband does. I didn't have a child with her, he did.

"has to balance what's best for him and best for you. And sometimes they just aren't going to work. IMO, childs needs come first." See, this is interesting. I think what is so interesting and diverse about this forum (or even when talking to friends in RL) is that EVERYONE is going to have their own opinion; and that opinion is one we have formed based on our own experiences and perspectives. Nivea, you were treated in a really cruel and hurtful manner by your SM, correct? (or am I mixing you up with another poster?) I believe it was you. Anyway, naturally, you are more inclined to empathize and identify with the child (stepchild) and perhaps even project a bit of your own feelings; and that's normal, we ALL do that. Just as I am more likely to identify with someone like Ima or Lamom or Silver, someone who is a SM dealing with difficult situations. Anyway, I know what you mean about the child needing to come first; but I think you are saying this out of your own experiences, which included being emotionally hurt by your cruel and emotionally immature SM who insisted HER needs come first. Correct? That is awful that happened and it's sad that your father allowed you to be pushed aside. (And please correct me if I am mixing up your history with someone else.) Our situation is a little different in that DH had continually made the mistake of doing things to harm our marriage---all under the guise of "it's best for SS." But a lot of what he was doing wasn't even really best for SS. DH wanted me to smooth things over and be nice to BM, even after she attacked me in front of SS. Sure, it might be superficially easier for SS if everything seemed hunky-dory again. But in the long run, what lesson is that teaching him? That violence is acceptable? That it's okay for his mom to behave like that and I will just pretend that everything is okay? Those aren't lessons I want SS or DD learning. So sometimes what IS best for SS isn't necessarily what one might think at face value. Sure, it would be more *pleasant* for him in the short term, but in the long run, I think it does more harm than good. (I don't think this particular weekend issue is even really about anything being "best" for SS, though.) And one thing our marriage counselor has been helping both of us see is that sometimes what's best for the marriage has to come first. And I will say this with 100% conviction: it would NOT be in SS's best interest for DH and I to divorce. Not at all. That would be one of the worst things that could happen for both him and my DD. I may be "just a stepmother" to him but I have been a positive and caring person in his life for almost 7 years. He views my daughter as his sister. He genuinely loves our family and feels a TOTAL part of our family unit...because he is! We are not just some people he spends a few days a month with, he has two families and we are one of them! If that unit were to dissolve, it would honestly devastate SS. It would devastate my DD, as well, but I really think it would be worse on SS. He is very sensitive to these things, and he is the type of child that turns his upsets inward. I know if he were to lose his family, it would really impact him negatively in an emotional sense. So in marriage counseling, one thing DH is having to focus on is sorting out when SS's needs really DO come first, and when it's just BM manipulating "in the name of their son." Obviously, there are times that the child's needs have to come first---heck, that is 95% of parenting! But it is my belief that this is not one of those times. SS's mom is doing well and there is no reason he can't be with her.

Lauren, you have my sympathy. I understand what it's like to worry about a child's well-being, but to also worry that beginning any court proceeding may add fuel to the fire and make their life worse, rather than better. The thing that I have learned is that no court order in the world can completely protect a child from poor behavior on the part of a parent. No matter how many loopholes you think you've closed they can find another one. If your DH can reason with her by appealing to her best interests, maybe they can agree on some of the more important issues (homework, earlier bedtime, etc.) Basically what you want to do is make it as easy as possible for her to not see SS if she doesn't want to - the last thing that SS needs is to be going to a parent's that doesn't really want him there but feels obligated to have him. Bite your tongue and let her continue to pretend to herself that it's somehow easier for you and DH to help him with homework, take him to appointments, etc. than it is for her to do it. The two of them can draw up an agreement and have it notarized if they want; it's not usually legally binding but is legally admissable in case of later dispute about who said what. But BM might see red flags from even the request to sign anything. I hope DH is keeping a journal - of when SS is there, if homework is done, if school is missed, etc. It might be better if they can manage to come to some agreement out of court, and just keep track in case it does end up in court (they're big fans of maintaining the status quo if a child is doing OK). Unfortunately a legal decision on custody is not at all going to change her erratic behavior, and as you said, the court process itself is liable to provoke her. My advice is unless/until the actual custody changes are causing problems for SS (the staying up too late, uncertainty, etc.) it might be better left alone for now. The one thing that I'm not clear on is if there has ever been any legal custody agreement. If not, your DH needs to talk to an attorney now. Since they were never married, in some states she is the only legal parent until a court order is in place acknowledging DH as the father. You don't want to be in a position where she decides to up and take SS out of state and DH is scrambling trying to get some kind of legal rights.