Simple. Insecurity. We've had the same thing happen, but not constantly. Specifically, I was excited that the musical RENT was coming to our area. It's one of SD's favorites. So, I got tickets for us to go. It just happened to be the weekend she was getting back from Mom's. I told her mid-summer, and she was so excited. So, I was surprised one evening when we called her (she was at Mom's) only to find out they were just getting ready to walk out the door to see....can you guess?...yep, RENT!

I'd suggest that you do just as you mentioned. Call Mom on it. If she needs shoes, let Mom know that you're going to get her shoes...at Target. Mom will "come to the rescue". Tuck the money away in an account to be used for something big, or college, or whatever.

lol, reminds me of the scene in the movie stepmom where stepmom is going to take SD to a concert but mom says not on a school night, then takes her to the same concert.

I wouldn't waste my time calling mom on it. I'd keep doing what I can afford... buy what she needs and if mom goes out and buys this, that and the other... let her. If it gets no reaction from you, maybe she'll get tired or run out of money. What is she proving??? Nothing. If you call her on it, there might be conflict & confrontation... negativity. Let it go and don't share plans to buy this or that with her. My SD's mom asks DH what we are getting her, he says he's not sure. Unless they are splitting the cost of something, there's no reason to share notes if it results in her beating you to the punch. She tried to play the game last Easter. SD was with her but called us on Easter morning to ask if we were getting her a basket too. DH told her no, she has one already at her mom's. Now, that may be SD trying to get two baskets but the timing of the call was more indicative of BM having SD call to find out. There is similar competition at Christmas... BM bought SD a new ATV that cost over 2k. We don't participate in competition, we buy her what we can afford & what she needs. If mom wants to buy double & get her things she already has, oh well. Let her. As long as she pays her support, I wouldn't worry about it. I might save receipts & not remove tags until she comes back from mom's. Return things mom one-ups you on. Or you can save those things for when the ones mom bought are worn out. When the new $120 shoes are dirty & worn our & she needs new ones, pull out the ones you got her. Bottom line, pick your battles. (at least she's buying things at all, my SD's mom hasn't paid her support once & refuses to buy anything... except counting money -$30- for shoes as CS)

I can so relate. BM is always trying to "one-up" or "out-do" us. She doesn't do the clothes or buying things much--but she is always trying to outdo our activities and fun.

Every time SS is with us for a 5 day stretch, BM buys him a toy and tells him right smack dab in the middle of our stretch that she has a "surprise" for him at home. This, of course, gets him all excited to go back to her house. I kid you not, she does this EVERY TIME. Now--I do think maybe she just misses him and wants to get him pumped about coming back to her--but, whether it's conscious or not, I think she fears that he DOESN'T miss HER when he's with us, and she wants to make sure he WANTS to come home.

WE planned our wedding for 6+ months--and SS was all hyped to be the ring bearer. I am not kidding you, two weeks before we got married, BM and her BF out of the blue went to the courthouse with the kids and got married. They weren't even engaged! Granted, they have a baby together, but this wedding was so out of the blue--and the timing with ours was just TOO coincidental. And you guessed it--SS was the "ringbearer," they rented him a tux and everything. So he got to be the ringbearer in BM's wedding 'first.'
I know this woman well enough to know it was just that she couldn't STAND the idea of her son being the ringbearer in our wedding first.

Honestly--at this point--after all we've been through, it was just comical.

She and her husband are NOW planning a February wedding AGAIN, complete with a ceremony and reception and all..I could understand having a reception, I guess, since they didn't have one the first time around--but why do the ceremony again?

I try not to let stuff bother me, though. I sometimes feel kind of sorry for BM because she really can't compete with some of the things we do as a family. I'm fortunate to have my parents take us on trips pretty often--we went to Michigan last summer, we go to Grand Cayman in the spring, etc. I can see how BM does feel insecure about these trips because she just has never been able to do those kinds of things with her son.

So I try to ignore the other stuff because I think it all really does stem from the same thing--jealousy and insecurity.

Oh yes, I'm very familiar with this type of behavior. Usually it's like the jeans though - something we say isn't appropriate, needed or worth the money ends up purchased on the next weekends visitation. I have to say that I fault SD now as much as I fault mom - she knows what she is doing by bringing it up to mom, she knows it's something she has been told no to, yet she goes to mom anyway. SD has figured out I am her mother's biggest insecurity, and she feeds it. Problem is mom can't/won't see what is going on, so she lets herself get played.

I used to get really annoyed and angry, but now I just feel badly for her. It must be hard to be that unhappy with yourself that you have to try so hard to be in someone else's shoes.

I am SO glad that I am not alone. I called my mom to talk to her about it because my dear old mom always has a positive spin on everything. She joked that I should make a short list of things the kids say they need throughout the week...socks, underwear, shoes...no more than 1 or 2 items per kid...and that I should hand her the list when I take them to meet her for visitation next weekend. She suggested that I include a nice note that says "BM, here are some things the kids need! Thanks so much!" And sign my name. Then if BM called to say "What's up with this?" I could say "Well, I keep buying stuff for the kids but you seem to immediately buy a better brand and the stuff I buy them ends up at the bottom of closet. Shoes, school supplies and clothes are expensive...I can't afford to buy Nike's and Hollister...So I figured I would just send you a list since you are helping out so much."

Of course it was all said in jest...and it definitely cheered me up...

I agree that she has to be insecure. As for Christmas this year, DH told me not to tell her what I am getting. I joked that I should handle it another way...I should tell BM that I am getting other stuff that the kids would like to have but that I don't plan to buy...which would be a double win since BM will have not succeeded in "outperforming" me AND also the stepkids will get some really cool stuff that they would want!

Yes, that reminds me of last Christmas. BM let DSS 14 tell everyone he wanted MONEY ONLY for Christmas so he could buy a $750.00 guitar, so all family members (DH family, my family and us) gave him money instead of gifts. DH had found this guitar at a store close to their home and actually was the one who told BM about it, as DSS had been planning to order it off the internet. We gave him $250 cash plus several "gifts" because we wanted him to have some packages to open. He had collected about $500 from Christmas Eve and morning with our family/extended family and was hoping his mom and her family would make up the rest. When he went home on Christmas Day, BM had bought him the $750 guitar as a gift from her! We felt silly that we had contributed money towards buying a gift that someone else had already purchased for him!
Oh, and the kicker is that, soon after, our nephew (DSS's older cousin) agreed to sell an amplifier to DSS for $100, and went ahead and gave DSS the amp. DSS has NEVER PAID his cousin the money despite having the wad of cash from Christmas and DH's asking him many times. We feel that DSS thinks that DH will just pay it out of embarrassment so he won't have to, and I'm sure that's what we will do eventually.

Momof5 ... good plan on telling mom the "wish list" ... bonus for everyone. BM does the same thing with my SC but she doesn't buy the expensive stuff ... she buys in multiples... she doesn't buy one pair of shoes she buys 2 ... but ... she keeps them at her home and in her car so when the kids get in her car they change their shoes and just before drop off she has them change back ... then in court the shoes appear as "proof" ... hubby will say "I have never seen those before"...

We buy the stuff they need mom buys the stuff they want.

Don't let it get to you ... just let her keep being the hero ... let her buy whatever she wants ... kids don't remember who bought what shirt or pair of shoes ....they remember moments in time ...

I think it was suggested to keep receipts and tags and return what they don't use ...or keep the stuff in a tote when they ruin the "good stuff" break out the stuff you bought months ago.

She's just playing hero ... "my poor babies should only wear name brand" .... ok then buy it. My SC's BM called here screaming at hubby because SD 7 at the time didn't have "sandals to match her dress" hubby told her if you feel she needs matching sandals to match dresses I bought then you should buy all her clothes and footwear" She hasn't called again about matching shoes.

I also like the idea of "dropping in conversation" that you're taking the kids to Walmart for new shoes, and then wait for BM to go buy them fancy name brand shoes.
If she's going to spend her $100 anyhow, why waste your $20 on shoes they won't wear until they've already outgrown them? Put that $20 aside for when they trash her fancy ones or for when they need something else.

Oh yeah - I know this one!...

One day, 9 year old DS asks me, seemingly out of the blue, "Mommy, how big is your diamond?" Huh? What 9 year old boy asks a question like that? But I'm not fresh off the turnip truck, so I ask DS, "Why on earth would you ask a question like that?" Now DS looks uncomfortable and tries to hedge, so I show him my hand and said "Look. It's this big." DS says he "needs a number" Again, I ask why, and DS admits "My daddy is going to ask K to get married and he said he'd buy her a diamond bigger than yours." I didn't know whether to tell him 5 points or 5 carats! ;-)

Same conversation 6 months later about a house and about DS's bedroom.

OK, so it WAS to be caddy!

Yeppers, I noticed too.

Just in case you are referring to me, what would I have to say? It's been a long time since my exH's wife has bought my kids anything. She's the one who would spend $75 on a pair of bluejeans. Mostly I shop in the hand-me-down "store" in our basement, and my kids bought most of their own clothes except for underwear and winter jackets as soon as they started working part-time. If my exH or his wife wanted to buy their entire wardrobes, as long as the kids liked the clothes they could go right ahead. It would save me a lot of money that I could spend on more important things, like their education.

TOS, you re nicer than my SSs BM...She never let them wear anything I bought them, so I stopped buying them clothes...But what was really baffling is when she sent back 2 sweaters unworn, 3 years after Christmas ...SS said Quote..These dont fit me or something, Dad you can have them.....They went directly to Salvation Army.....

if mom buys fancy clothes why would you buy anything? don't buy clothes. when DD was younger, X used to buy all her clothes because there was no way i would buy such expensive clothes (knowing that DD loses everything). so i let him do it and never bought clothes. so if one parents wants to buy fancy stuff, let them. don't waste money.

Yep! Been there done that! For FSD's birthday, BM told him she was gonna get FSD a new iPod, since she lost the iPod FDH and I bought her. So FDH said he was going to get her a new cell phone since we paid for the plan. FSD calls a few days before her b-day and said that BM had gotten her the new cell phone she wanted but don't turn off the other one because the new one wasn't on BM's plan yet.

How thoughtful of BM to put FSD on her plan while we're still under contract for FSD's original phone!

Biomom is obviously insecure. Quite simple. And dont tell her next time what you will get the kids. Let her have her own ideas.
Another thing as well, Your SD is playing her big time!!!
Her own daughter knows..

"Your SD is playing her big time!!! "

You got that right Maria!

I have never had to deal with the one up-manship because mom has NO MONEY. We don't have alot but we are better off than mom right now.

I imagine it would get old fast though. Mainly I agree with what everyone has said and mostly what Maria said:

"Your SD is playing her big time!!! "

SD is playing off of mom's insecurities and it really isn't fair to anyone.