Even at 19 years old, YOU are in charge of YOUR LIFE. You do NOT HAVE to be a stepmother. And at 19 years old, I don't think that you should be.

There's plenty of time for marriage and children AFTER college. Let yourself grow up and be educated first--then you can decide if being a stepmother is something that you feel you can do.

I can feel in your post that this situation is too much for you, and it is sad for the children that their mother isn't in the picture for them, but your first responsibility is yourself. Sounds like your gut is giving you some pretty strong signals.

I see a few red flags here....

1. he seems to have a lot of ex's
2. you should not have to give up your job to play "nanny"
3. you NEED your college education
4. the kids are HIS RESPONSIBILITY
5. you ALREADY feel resentment for the kids...probably not going to change, only get worse

I really think you need to put marriage on hold, your too young to commit to anyone, let alone a situation this complex!

You still have many years ahead of you to mature and figure yourself out and what you want. Before you can decide if your boyfriend is who you want to marry you have to decide want you want out of life.

I hate to sound negative, but if you don't get your education and things do not work out with your boyfriend you will kick yourself in the butt, especially if you end up having a child with him!!!

What does your family say about the situation?

Option A - You're 19, full-time stay at home mommy to his kids -- the two he doesn't love all that much. (At least, not as much as his perfect absent daughter, who is likely to remain 'perfect' just as long as she remains absent.) You're saving him a bundle in daycare -- a real lifesaver. And he's grateful. So long as you cook, clean, take care of the kids exactly the way he wants it done, and don't spend too much 'cause money's tight. Shady BioMom pops in every now and again to stir things up and add a little drama to your life -- maybe she even tosses you a child support check every six months or so. But you stand by your man -- who's working 11-hour days. (or not) You decide to get married - get to be "Princess for a Day" then spend the next how-many years being Cinderella before the ball. (But then, the ball's already over and you've got your Prince Charming.) Maybe you add another child of your own in a few years. So now you're 25, taking care of three kids, and probably by now feeling GOOD and TRAPPED since the older two will be driving you nuts while you're trying to enjoy the special wonderfulness of your one-and-only. (Wonder where he ranks in Daddy's heirarchy?) You're tired, fed up -- and have no degree and only the most minimal work experience -- so you're not only FEEL good and trapped, you pretty much ARE good and trapped. You can 'ditch' his two, but now you've got one of your own that you have to take care of and no reliable means to do it. Except for Dad. Let's see - What would the hypothetical child support be for one of his four kids on his paycheck? Add that to your own wages... What could you earn with your education and work experience?

Option B - You kiss your boyfriend goodbye, wish him well, and go to college. You meet new people, get an education, finish growing up and explore all of your own options. You graduate and start to build a career that will enable you to support yourself financially so that you will never have to feel trapped by circumstances. The work is challenging and interesting, and you feel empowered and build more confidence and self-respect. At 25, you meet someone really special who has also never been married, never impregnated a girlfriend of questionable character, and who will cherish his own firstborn child as much as you will.

Which life would you choose?

Honey, walk away. It's not going to get any better. Vivian is right, at 19 you are very young to be the stpmother of two (and possibly three) children. They don't deserve to be resented for their mere existence either. (I can understand where your resentment is coming from, nevertheless it is not healthy for them or for you.)
Move out, go back to school, spend some time apart. Have a good think about what you really want from life. Clearly at this point in your life it is not to be a stay at home stepmom (which is a valid choice at your age).

Please, dont walk, run, run away. I am not a Stepmother, only a mother, of a little girl 3 years younger than you. Forget your pride if that is the issue. Every Stepmom here will tell you you need your education.

I will just chime in on what others have said. DO NOT stay in this situation. I completely understand any feelings you have towards the kids and who will care for them, etc., but that is your BF's responsibility! You are very young and need to start your adult life out on your own. Go to college, get your degree, take some time for yourself... THEN start your family! You will come to regret the decision not to pursue your dreams and your goals if you allow yourself to get trapped into this situation so young!

I agree with everyone else. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Being a SM will get old to you eventually. You need to look after yourself and what you need....not worrying what his kids need. That is HIS responsibility. It is bad for anyone at any age to feel trapped in a situation like this but at 19 feeling trapped is just crazy. Don't put yourself through this!

My daughter is 19 ans is full time in college, working two days a week. I cannot imagine her taking care of a man and his children on a daily basis full time. I would be devastated if she would do anything like that.

Run. I mean run before you are too entagled. You are only 19! You will meet a number of men to choose from when the time is right. Who needs all that in 19? I got married I was 20 but at least I was taking care of my own child and still went to college at the same time. I did not put my life on hold, but you are in a situation where you are focred to put your life on hold. Do not do that!!!!

If your sign on name, with "secret" in it is the way you feel, and your thread "need to be listened to", -- tells me that you don't feel comfortable talking about this with your friends or family, please listen to that voice. Is there someone you can talk to, maybe an aunt? Please walk away.

Oh gosh, saw those coming. I want to get all defensive and say how I know what I'm doing and I do have confidence and a LOT of self-respect. Reminds me of how I feel when I talk to my mom about where I'm at in life now. Guess it comes with the age huh? So anyway, thanks everyone for responses so far. It's amazing how in most of history, women (or should I say girls) were forced into or had arranged marriages at such young ages and now young girls/women are CHOOSING to be with older, not necessarily more mature, men and their parents are against it.

As for me, being only girl with 3 brothers, my father supports me in most of my decisions but of course he'll atleast try to advise towards or against what he thinks I should or shouldn't be doing. My mother is the one who took it harder, she never calls me unless it is regarding other family issues. She's never supported it, didn't "allow" me to go, but at the same time gave my BF the marriage blessings. She is more traditional thinking, I strongly believe she would have been happy if I had left while married to the man. Weird.

These are our plans:

Come January I'll be in school.

I have a part-time position lined up with a company to be a contracted recruiter. Presence in the office won't be necessary and I'll be able to have interviews at home or on lunch dates.
I did inform my BF that upon official engagement, I want ATLEAST 2 years before we sign the papers. Or get a degree, whichever comes first.

But my personal goals? Since I was in highschool, I had wanted to be a business owner. Believe it or not, I've reached that goal, lol! At 19 yrs old. Built with my sweat and effort, I started, ran, and sold a successful company with the help and support of my current boyfriend all in one year. Crazy. It was a cleaning company. We still collect royalties on it but my goal now is to own and keep a coffee shop. A little corner one where neighbors can go and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea without having to pay an arm and a leg. Where I'll be chilling when I retire.

Anyway, I'm very capable and I believe in myself. The situation I'm in? Just got here by going with the flow. I tend to do that. These kids... I don't want to leave them. I just don't want to stress either. Lol. Guess that'll never happen huh? I know I can do all of this with no problem, but I also know I can do without especially at the age I'm at.

I've never been one to be in those puppy love relationships, believed in keeping my virginity till marriage, and love and put God and my father in front of any man. It's not that I was easy to reel in for this guy! I knew everything was this way before I got in it. But like all (or is it just me) little girls growing up, I thought that the world better be ready for me because I was more than ready for the world. I know I have choices. I went against my mother and DIDN'T him because without marriage, I have no strings attached.

Getting a job is not a problem. Lol. My education, I value that as much as I value my health. All my priorities and values I thought were in the right order. But it seems that no one thinks thats possible if you're in a relationship that has children not of your own. It would be the same way with my children ( I know I can't really say till I have children) but just my opinion for now.

Am I asking for any advice? I know what everyone would like to say, coming from a third person perspective. I would say the same thing, but I believe in us (my boyfriend and I). I just ... I don't know. Most of my questions are rhetorical. Yes, it shows my doubt in whatever it is I'm questioning, but their always there... no?

It never ceases to amaze me...

Why do all of these old women always say the same things?
Don't hurry into marriage and babies --
Get your education first. Stay in school. --
Keep your options open. --
Wait to have sex. And if you do,use a condom!--
Don't do drungs, drink or smoke cigarettes. --
Blah, blah, blah...

It's because we don't want you to have any fun!
Yup -- That's it.
Busted. You caught us.
And when you're 40, you can join the club, learn the secret handshake, and give the same buzz-killing advice to all of the young girls who ask you for advice but already know what it is they're going to do.

It's certainly not that we're trying to spare you some of the lessons we've learned the hard way.

It's certainly not because we've learned that our own mothers were right about some very important things.

It's that we don't want you to have any fun.

There's a very good reason you titled your post:

Just want to be heard

It's because it would have been all wrong to call it:

Willing to listen

I'm sorry if I offended you sweeby. I thought somewhere in the message I said thank you. In the beginning I put how I WANTED to get defensive, that's just reaction to being told to do something I know I should do. But I know I'm being told all the things I need to be told, I appreciate it. I guess I was looking for reassurance that I need to be doing what I need to be doing.

I just read my last paragraph and I can see how that might've come off kind of snobby. I didn't mean it in that sense, I really do appreciate anyone who advises me with experience to back them up because I certainly dont have that. I think I was trying to tell MYSELF that I need to stop being hard headed start listening.

I just went through some other threads and find myself laughing. Not in an evil way, but in a "some of these peoples step kids they're describing are around my age if not older.... why am I on here?" Or when theres an incident about a teen Step, I think, "hey thats me" in the teenagers position. Crazy.

Sweeby, again, my apologies. And anyone else who thought I was being sarcastic about my thanks for the responses I've gotten.

Illan, please listen to me.

I got married when I was 23. I was a stay at home mom for a few years and also worked part time for a few years. My husband left me, and boy was I glad I had degree plus professional certifcation. Things dont always work out the way you think they will or the way you want. Right now, my dear daughter has friends whose moms are also divorced. She understands I am in better shape. Her friends do too.

llana, when I moved in with my husband I had just turned 21 and he was 27 with two small children and an xwife nine years older than me. I found myself thrown into diapers and dinners and PTA meetings while my friends still hit the clubs. I won't lie to you, its hard, it takes a lot of responsibility and self sacrifice. All I can say is years later, we have a very happy family, three wonderful boys of our own, and I have two stepsons who are really starting to show they appreciate my always being there for them.

Please think long and hard about what you really want in the immediate future before moving forward with this man, cause when you marry a man with children - 'Me' time goes away.

Actually, I'm not offended at all --
You sound like someone with a lot of gumption, and that's something I admire.
Your drive, your confidence, and your obvious ability can take you far in life -- if you let it.
Or it can tick you off until the end of time when you're kicking yourself in the behind for boxing yourself in.

I know a woman who's life I find inspiring. She's only 37, and just finished her Phd in education. In fact, she got her most recent degree on the same day and from the same college where her 22-year old daughter (oldest of 3) just got her BS. (Do the math.) I have another friend who runs marathons. That's remarkable in itself, but even more so when you consider that she lost her left leg just below the knee. So should you get pregnant and cut off your foot to get ahead in life?

You've already accomplished a lot in your life. To start, run and then sell a business by the time you're 19? Wow --Now imagine you had a little more life experience and education behind you. Imagine adding a zero or two or three to the end of the sale price of that business. Imagine franchising your business to 5 or 50 or 500 outlets before selling it. All of this is SO possible for your future. And yes, it's still possible while raising your BF's two kids. And it's probably still possible if you raise his two kids, have three of your own, and cut off your left foot. But you're sure throwing a lot of obstacles in your own way.

Yes, this needs to be your decision.
And I'm certainly not saying you're not capable of making a success out of a more difficult road.
But I think you may be seeing things backwards.

Instead of telling yourself:
"I'm strong enough to do this! I'm a responsible adult and can make it work."

why not try:

"I'm strong enough and smart enough to walk away. I believe in my own future way too much to handicap it now."

If your marriage lasts more then two years (which I doubt it will by the way you ALREADY feel weighed down and you arent even there yet) and your step children reach their teen years,do not doubt you will be back and one of the "old ladies" posting the same advice to someone your age.
2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce.Just keep that in mind.Dont say you werent warned.