lol, I guess I should be glad that my SD's BM at least made up a story and didn't leave her sitting outside waiting for hours. That's the lowest!!!! I mean, as an adult, I've been stood up for a first date with someone I didn't yet know enough to care about and it sucked... can't imagine being a kid and having a parent that is supposed to love me more than anything do that to me.

Your older SD may be saying "look what she does to my sister!" but she is surely angry because she knows how her sister feels, she's been there, done that. Your SS may not have wanted to go, but it's gotta be upsetting when he realizes that she didn't care enough to show up or even call.

I'm so sorry for your SK's.... Don't these parents that do that, think about children as a lifetime commitment? I can remember when I was 17 and pregnant with my son, all my friend were going to prom, grad night, parties, planning college & going nightclubbing when they turned 21. I chose to give that up, took some night classes at college & worked to build a better life for my kids. It's hard for me to get how my SD's mom, who was 27 when she had my SD (not to mention she already had her other daughter), doesn't seem to take being a parent too seriously. And it's all too common, I saw so many kids being raised by dad, aunts, grandma's, other relatives and sometimes just a family friend when I worked in social services. I wouldn't say it's the 'norm' but it happens far more than I ever thought of imagining. I grew up thinking "mom's raise their kids" & that's their job. It may have been a sexist thing to assume, but it's something my mom told me, even though she wasn't the best mom herself. When I was a kid, I thought the kids that were being raised by anyone other than their mom meant their mom was dead. How naive I was!!!

Mom2emall,

So sorry for those poor kids! What a shame. Bm is really a mess isn't she. She has no idea what she is doing or what she is missing.

I used to watch my 1st SD, now 33, go through the same thing. At 5 years old she would sit on the front porch and wait....and wait. One her one of her birthdays BM didn't call her until 10 that night to wish her a happy birthday. Sometimes BM would bring her daughter back to us and SD would be physically ill after her mom left. BM even had to call me one Christmas to ask me what size her daughter wore. It was so sad. I could tell you such stories! It just never ended.

I don't know what to tell you unless you and DH decide that she should call and make plans for short visits just an hour or so ahead of time. I know it would be spur of the moment for you but it might save the kids the hurt.

Believer, I'm curious about what kind of relationship your SD has now with her BM.

After a very bitter custody battle when we divorced with a lot of money behind it on my ex's part he got to keep my DS more of the time than I did. His strategy was that I would come back to him. He treated him badly and held on tightly and let me know he was in charge. When he was 12 another judge awarded me & my DH custody with every other weekend visitation for the BD. My son would get ready and sit on the steps waiting for him. He never came, not once and never called him again. I guess he wasn't as interested in him as he pretended. After my DS got married his dad decided he wanted to see him and went to his house. My son told his wife to tell him to go away. Ex is rather wealthy and my son couldn't came less about inheritance. They are having their first child in a couple of months and he's very adamant that Ex not be told about it.

I often wonder what kind of relationship my skids will have with their bm when they are adults.

I picture older sd to not be on speaking terms with bm. I expect middle sd to still put bm on a pedestal and act like she can do no wrong and continuosly be let down by bm while making excuses for bm's behavior (much like now). I think ss will speak to bm, but not be very close to her.

Besides the fact I am mad that bm let down the kids yet again I am also mad that she is not considerate enough to pick up a phone! I had things to do this weekend and my schedule got rearranged because of her!

My 1st SD33 has a reasonable relationship with her BM. BM is a alcoholic and is in her late 50's. She behaves as though she were still in her late teens or early 20's. Dresses that way too. When 1st SD33 was little Bm switched roles with her. BM became the child and child became the parent. I am amazed that they still have a relationship. SD wants a relationship BM but has had to put limits on it so that she doesn't get too beat down by it.

There is a lot of water under that bridge. Including SD being molested by BM's BF and BM taking BF's side over it.

SD33's dad is not much better when it comes to the correct role in her life. He is also an alcoholic He has been very hands off since she was about 17. Even more so after he and I divorced. She and I are the closest out of the 3 of us. (BM, dad and me). She calls me "mom" and that is the role I have in her life. She has told me that should she have children I will be considered "Grandma".

It is only because of SD33's forgiving nature and desire to have her BM and dad in her life that she has a relationship with them. I don't know if I could do it. She has found a comfortable way of dealing with it that suits her. She is going on her 3rd marriage and I wonder how the adults in her life have contributed to that. She is in counseling and I know that some of it is premarital. I don't know if she discusses her childhood. I feel very blessed to have her love and trust. She is quite something. I love her dearly.

I have always treated BM with respect and kindness. I did it for SD and because I knew it was the right thing to do. We used to set together at school plays and when the molestation thing happened BM called me a lot to talk about BF and the stress she was under. If I would run into her today I would treat her kindly. I feel sorry for her. I have what she should have had and I think she gets that now. She was a mess and still is to a large degree. I doubt that she will ever change. It must hurt terribly to know that some other woman could give to your child something that you couldn't. It must hurt terribly to know that someone else is called "mom" and thought of in that way. She has thanked me for what I have done for her daughter. I would not want to live with her memories. She is fortunate to have her daughter love her and include her in her life.

Sorry to have hi-jacked this post. Thank you for letting me share.

what a piece of garbage.... to leave your child sitting on a door steop waiting for you and never showing up OR calling... how low can someone be. I am so sorry for skids you and DH.

BM has been back in town for a few weeks now and still has not spent time with her kids! So after over a year of not seeing her kids she has spent about 10 minutes at my house seeing them and that is it!

She has tried to make last minute plans that do not work with the kids schedules. We tell her to plan ahead and she finally does and then she does not follow through with her plans!

Wonder when she will actually plan ahead and follow through??

Poor kids :(

*sigh*
We all knew that BM would drop the ball, I was just hoping it would take longer.

I feel for you, and for the kids. That was one bet I was truly hoping not to win.

she will probably blame dad anyways. something like he forced me to plan ahead, if he would just let kids go when i wanted to pick them up everything would be all right. useless woman.

How sad, those kids will always bear the scars of treatment from BM. This summer my stepdaughter (22) was ready to go clear across country to college, it was her last night before she and her father left. It was a holiday weekend and her BM was picking her up for the evening. Her father and I were planning to go to a barbeque. Well our plans changed, he had to work late (no big deal) So I am in the kitchen around 8 and a car pulls up, not BM's, and stepdaughter walks in looking really down, I say what's up? She says when she gets to BM's, she tells her she is having a barbeque for some girlfriends, they started drinking and BM says she can't drive her home. SD hadn't even eaten dinner, so she calls a friend to take her home. BM knows she probably will not see her for 6 or 7 months. This is not something new. BM walked out when she was a senior in high school for a BF. So because this forum can be pretty sad sometimes I will tell you something funny. When BM drove up she was driving half of a car she bought with BF. Yep she paid 42,000 for half of a top of the line sports car that she co owns with former BF. Well she had former BF's dog in the car (top down) well I was outside shampoing a rug with my 100 lb dog in our driveway. When my dog spotted that dog he (usually well behaved) simply leaped in!!!!!!!!! I yelled and he leaped out, leaving some BIG scratches in his wake! When SD gets home she tells me that BM is outraged, I say oh well. Secretly I am laughing my head off. SD says I thought you guys were going out, I say plans changed, give her a big hug and say lets cook something special for your dad and you for your last night home! I opened a 10 year old bottle of cab, and she wipped up homemade pasta and I made a apple pie. All I know is that the less time she spends around BM the healthier she is. Both her BS and her BD realize they have to keep their distance.

We have gone through this so many times. Sometimes it's a promised call we never receive and sometimes it's a visit.

We finally stopped telling the girls anything. We don't mention possible calls or visits at all in case they fall through.

Just Monday mom had texted me (from a strangers cell. She has no phone and bums calls off of people in stores that she doesn't know from Adam) saying she was going to call the girls after 7. I didn't mention it to the girls. Good thing I didn't because guess who never called back? This happens all the time. They haven't even spoke to her in three weeks.

We saw the girls get hurt many times before we wised up. You live and you learn. All you can do is try tp protect the kids as much as you can.

We would love to just not tell the kids bm is coming and save them any disappointment. Problem is that sd-14 would end up making plans with friends if we did not give her notice. And ss-6 needs prepping to go with bm. She is virtually a stranger to him! Two summers ago when he was going out of state to visit her he cried for days that he did not want to go. When we got to the airport he looked at me and said he did not want to go. If we just sent him and had not told him beforehand he would be even more upset! When she lived in our state before and would just show up he would get upset. I guess the whole situation is upsetting to him :(

It is also a double edged sword when you don't tell them (to spare them disappointment/hurt) and then mom says "Didn't they tell you I called?" and you look like you are keeping them from her.

"It is also a double edged sword when you don't tell them (to spare them disappointment/hurt) and then mom says "Didn't they tell you I called?" and you look like you are keeping them from her."

For Mom2 this may be the case. I didn't think about it. With our situation mom knows we don't tell the girls because we have told her we don't. She knows why as well. I think sadly she would rather us NOT tell them that way if she does back out she doesn't have as much guilt to deal with.

Mom2-

It is harder since they are older and have social lives to work around. That makes things more difficult. Maybe mom needs to be the one made to explain her failure to show's. Then the pressure is off of you and hub's and bio mom has consequences to deal with.

Ex did that to my DS, then about 16 or 17. They had talked on the phone and his father promised he would pick him up on a certain day, bring him to his home for a couple of weeks or so vist, then bring him back home to our home. Well, the poor kid waited all day, his face getting sadder by the minute. I had him call his dad and make sure he'd be home the next day, then I drove DS to town and bought him a bus ticket..... not because I approved of him visiting his dead-beat dad, but because I knew how important it was to the kid. And this last year, he was going to drive a couple to visit his dad but his old car broke down. DH and I paid to fix his car and gave him extra spending money so he could take the trip. He did and had a good time although the ex tried to convince him to move out there and he would buy DS trucks, equipment, houses - promises he made but never carried through with to my other 3 kids. He lies and makes false promises constantly. He also has not thought enough of his son to visit him in the four years since HS graduation or even to notify him when his grandfather passed away. Ex is lucky his son and daughters still love the undeserving crumb.