unreasonable?

17 years ago

My husband and I have been married nearly 5 years, together nearly 8. My daughter lives with us, his son with his mother(the ex wife), with regular visitations. There always seems to be some kind of conflict that is centered around my husband's attitudes about his ex wife and his son. For some reason he is truly afraid of his ex. They've been divorced nearly 14 years, and she was the one that got caught in an affair with her boss (who she is now married to for nearly 13 1/2 years). Yeah, if you're working out that timing, you're right.

Anyway, everything HAS to be on her terms. I agree to some degree, if it's possible to avoid conflict that's great. But it has been taken to such a level, that I feel his son is being taught to treat his father the same way. If he doesn't get what he wants then he just won't bother coming over. And mostly what he wants is for his father to be upset with me in some way, because when that happens, he gets all of dad's attention.

Some of the most common things that stir things up are:

the house rules don't apply to him- after all he IS 16 why should he have rules.

Our normal household routine shouldn't change drastically because it is dad's weekend with him. I take set aside time to spend with my daughter and allow for them to have time together.

It IS ok to tell him no. I don't feel like is is right to tell my daughter no(mainly for financial reasons) but then heard my stepson's demands immediately met by my husband.

Have his son be the go between for his mother and father.

And we can't forget- I will not tolerate the pissy, hateful way that he( my stepson) treats my daughter. He is lucky enough to have his father very active in his life, my daughter is not. My husband is the most "father" she has had. That's not her fault and he has not right to "treat" her anyway because of that.

Are my expectations really unreasonable?

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Comments (7)

kkny
17 years ago
Anyone who says teens are easy, raise your hand. Not many takers.

Good news -- SS should be off to college soon.

As to money, I would recommend you and your DH set up an ours, his, and hers money system. You pool for housing, etc. costs. If he wants to spend "his" money on his son, and you want manicures -- its OK.

I can understand how SS resents the time his dad spends with your DD. BTW, SS is not "lucky" to have his father active in his life. That is what dads are supposed to be. Your DD being unlucky doesnt make him lucky.
finedreams
17 years ago
so agree with kkny about lucky/unlucky, that's what parents are supposed to do: take care of their children. if your DD's father is not in the picture it is certainly not SS's fault. I think SS feels neglected and resentful. maybe that's why he does not listen to the rules. he obviously wants more time with HIS dad. maybe he feels that he was replaced by DD who does not have a father.
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wistful
17 years ago
I do not think your expectations are unreasonable, but I think you are asking a lot from a stepchild. Expectations = disappointments. You can work with your daughter on dealing with her stepbrotherÂs unkindness, and you can tell him what positive behaviors he should be exhibiting to elicit desirable results when he is being nasty. That is pretty much it. Maybe this will help him think about what he is trying to accomplish by being mean.

If this boy is able to get his father upset with you on a regular basis, you can only control your reaction, not their behavior. You can calmly tell DH this is a familiar pattern and you are disengaging from the conversation to keep the peace on your end.
organic_maria
17 years ago
Completely agree with everyone above. Words of wisedom!
mom_of_2.5
17 years ago
This is a big issue for us and recently I actually told my DH "It's like you're more afraid of her than me because you know I won't fight with you, so she always gets her way!" I swear sometimes he doesn't know who he's married to or he forgets where he sleeps at night. Yes, I'm okay with avoiding confrontation when possible. My husband though does whatever she tells him to. If it is our weekend to have SS and there's an "event" at their church my DH is expected to drive him there, If there is a community event, parade whatever in their neighborhood on our weekend...my DH is told to take him, and he does. If she's not going to be home at the regular drop off time he's to drive to wherever she is to drop him off. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! And yes, he learns to demand and receive by watching his mommy do it. This boy is 9--just turned 9. Thursday night he calls and we're eating dinner at the table, so DH doesn't answer. We don't answer the phone during dinner, he will call him back. SS hangs up and calls back FOUR times! Finally DH answers the phone...The big flamng emergecy? He wants $40 to buy World of Warcraft. And can his dad drive it right over?
R U K M??? There are so many things wrong with that situation but none quite as large as DH's response...."I don't THINK its a good game for you, but if I get a chance to drop by tomorrow I will." WTF? How about "NO, its not an appropriate game for you." Ah, if DH ever told him NO, what might happen?

So, to get back on point, what I am learning is most of my frustrations and disappointments may involve my SS, but are REALLY the responsibility of my DH. Could this be true for you too?
thatlady
Original Author
17 years ago
I know that everything can be traced back to exactly that, mom_of_2.5. When all is said and done, my stepson won't like me any more or less if I cater to his biddings, I can only hope that somewhere down the line a little respect might come into play, and hope that my daughter doesn't learn that it's ok to have someone treat her the way he does.

As far as rules being expectations that only lead to disappointments, the world that I live in is FULL of rules that I have to follow. It doesn't matter if I like them or anything about them. Teaching life lessons to our children is going to involve disappointments at times, that's life.
Lucky may have been the wrong word to use. My husband does take care of his son and has the same attitude as you finedreams. What I don't find acceptable is my stepson only willing to visit his father IF he will be able to do whatever, whenever, with no consideration for ANYONE else, not just myself and my daughter.
wild_thing
17 years ago
I don't think you are being unresonable at all. You live in the house too. Husband chose to share his life with you so some expectations are not unheard of regarding children. Geez, how can anyone go through life not having them?? Yes, sometimes they lead to disappointment, but I think more for the kids than the parent because if the expectations are reasonalbe enough then it isn't a problem. Let alone something to argue about.
Lucky is a fine choice of words, as there are those of us out here that know exactly what you mean.

unreasonable?

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kkny

finedreams

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unreasonable?

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kkny

finedreams

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wistful

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