Hi jeri -

I think you have a great idea here :))

Another good book is "StepWars:Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies".

This book is a godsend for those of us who are dealing with adult stepchildren.

"Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce." Written by Elizabeth Marquardt

Stepwars is a good book. It helped me on many levels. I suggested my dad and SM read but they declined. Too bad for them, because it's filled with practical wisdom.

"The Truth about Cinderella: A Darwinian View of Parental Love (Darwinism Today series),by Martin Daly, Margo Wilson. One of the best, and scariest, books I have ever read.

STEP-WIVES. Best book I've ever read.

"Lynne and Louise were stepwives for ten years. While they managed a barely civil relationship, each was seething with anger on the inside. It all boiled over in an ugly scene on the day Lynne saw that Louise was wearing shoes identical to her favorite pair, and then they knew they had to find a new way of being a family.
With the guidance of marriage and family therapist Marjorie Vego Krausz, Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn developed a ten-step program that has helped thousands of women begin to go from sworn enemies to CoMamas. You don't have to follow the program together with your stepwife; even if only one of you follows the plan, your stepwife relationship and the happiness of your family will improve.
Packed with quizzes, lists, and other helpful tools, Stepwives can show you how to step into her shoes and have a peaceful, cooperative relationship with your stepwife. "

JNM,

I dont have a stepwife. Nor a co-mama. Even if dad dropped present GF, TOW, and went on to someone new (which I suspect will happen at some point, DD tells me he is cheating on his GF -- I told her I really dont need to know things like that) -- and even if she is the nicest person in the world, not a relationship I need to be in. Questions re DD are between her father and me.

When some of the SMs here state that problem, generically, is that too many moms are afraid that child will bond with them or favor them, I say hogwash. I think too many SMs see bonding, or even appearing to bond, with child will cement their marriage. They see relationship with child as desirable or necessary in terms of their marriage. They see Dad continuring to communciate with X as a problem.

Thanks for the book suggestion - it sounds very intriguing!!!

And KKNY,

The title and author of the book you would offer is?

The Cinderella book, by Daly and Wilson. Excellent. Based on hard data, not what the authors would like the world to be.

I have read "Stepwives," and can highly recommend it. It basically comes down to the BioMom and StepMom putting aside their own differences and insecurities, and putting first what is in the child's best interest.

And, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, TOS and kkny, sometimes the StepMom has to "mother" their stepchildren, for whatever reason. The negative attitudes both of you have towards stepfamilies, blended families, stepparents, and stepmothers in particular, just doesn't work in the real world, certainly not when you truly care about the children involved. (And I know one or the other of you will throw out that TOW didn't care about the children, which has nothing to do with anything we are talking about here.)

The Cinderella book argues that children are 100 times more likely to be abused or killed by a stepparent than a genetic parent. Exactly how would this book help us learn something useful?

Maybe we need TWO books on this forum - one geared to StepMoms who want to improve things in their blended families, and one geared to bitter ex-wives, who will take any little booklet smearing stepparents and turn it into gospel ...

"The Truth About Cinderella" is hardly a "little booklet." It is one of a series of books written by well-respected scientists in the field of evolutionary theory. It is published in the United States by Yale University Press, which is about as far from a vanity press as you can get.

This books could save lives - if one person reads it an is consequently more aware of the risk of homicide by a stepparent/boyfriend (the risk of homicide by a stepfather is far higher than by a stepmother, not surprisingly since men are more likely to commit homicide in general than are women), and thus keeps her child out of harms way, then it is worth 100 times its weight in gold.

We have seen threats of violence by stepfathers on this board, including one post which mysteriously disappeared.

Many of the women who come to this board and who are considering marriage have biological children of their own. This is a topic of which they should be aware.

One of the bits of advice I have been offered is date, get involved with a man. I have always have grave concerns about that while DD is living at home. While I dont think any of the pople I know would be prone to violence, the book does delve into issues involving resentment of children by step parents.

I think it is wise to be aware of the possibilities for abuse at the hands of a non-bio parent, but it is also wise to be aware of the possibility that a coach, instructor, pastor etc. could be abusive. Recognizing the signs is power, but assuming these people will be abusive is ignorant.

JNM,

I agree, what I alwaus tell me my DD is not to be alone with coach, etc. I think her coach is a great person, etc, but there is no reason to be alone with any one child. The coach can work indivually in the gym, but then the others will be working out in the gym, in eyesight. My DDs teachers do extra help in morning and and after school, but ususally there is more than one child, and the door is kept open.

I dont assume anyone would be abusive, but I dont think that a mom could keep SF from being alone with SD. So I cant use my ususal defensive strategy.