You need to make it very clear that while, you will be accommodating when possible, in the end while he's with you and DH its your house,your rules and she really has no say on what occurs in your home. She's making petty demands. Sounds like this woman has some serious control issues, try to do as much as possible to remove her from impacting your life.

Been there with the false accusations, all you can do is blow her off, don't let it get to you and if she keeps it up long enough it will come back on her (trust me).

"she calls my dh's family and makes up things about us and twists everything around so that we look like horrible people "

She has no reason to be contacting any of them. If they don't believe her anyway don't stress it! She is just attempting to control you anyway she can. It is not worth the headache over 30 minutes. 30 minutes won't hurt him.

How old are all the children? And what are the bedtimes? In most families, children of different ages have different bedtimes (and boy do you have a lot on your plate). Is there a problem with with SS being tired in school? Where does he go to school (near you or the X, or are you close -- physically -- to each other).

I wouldnt worry about what she says to DHs family if they dont beleive her.

Sieryn,

I think 1/2 hour can make a difference, and would try to understand what is going on. A sleepy child in school is not good.

kkny - of all five of my boys 30 min has never made a significant difference.

For this BM to demand she put her kids to bed earlier, or just cancel visitation to accommodate her set schedule is ridiculous.

I agree an exhausted child on a school day is unacceptable, but there's more to this issue than this incident.

Well then, focus on the bedtime now, and focus on other things as they come up. My advice is that you ignore the complaints to dh's family etc. and focus on more important things. 30 minutes can make a difference and if she comes back with school reports that he appearsl listless, sleepy in class, if I were in her shoes, I would want that addressed. You are trying to accomodate all 5 children, she will say best interest of her child is more sleep.

The childrens ages are 11, 9, 7, 5, and 16 months. SS is the 7 year old. We send all the kids to bed at 9pm, and the oldest 2 boys are allowed to watch tv for a little bit in bed because they just aren't tired yet. Bm claims that when ss goes back to her house on Monday, that he is too tired to do his homework. We have told her that ss is more than welcome to go to bed at anytime if he is getting sleepy and ss knows this also, but we don't feel it's right to make him go to bed when the other kids are still up playing, and I don't feel it's right of her to ask me to make me change MY childrens sleep schedule when ss is here either. When he was here over the summer, we didn't notice him being tired at all, in fact quite the opposite. The only thing we can figure is that we have a more active lifestyle than bm, and we actually encourage the children to get up and play outside and run and DO things, while she tends to have him watch tv and play the playstation, so maybe he gets more worn out here, or maybe he gets bored when he gets back to her house, but I don't think it's the half hour of sleep that's really causing it.

9:00 pm sounds pretty late to me for a 7 and 5 year old. Though some need less than others, most kids need a lot of sleep at that age.

While I totally agree with you that BioMom should have no say in how you run your household, I'm sure you can understand how a parent would feel if someone else regularly let the kids stay up "too late" (in her opinion) on a school night. Even if she's normally NOT intent on making you miserable, that alone would be enough to cause problems for many moms. (And of course, it makes her look like the "bad guy" when she has to enforce an earlier bedtime at her house on other nights.)

If you do decide to fight this battle, I'd ask your husband to talk to SS's teacher to see if he seems at all sleep deprived at school, then take it from there.

My 9 y.o. was pushing for a later bedtime this school year. After all, she is a year older  right (her logic)? And, somehow, I became a bit laxed toward the end of last year. We agreed to research how much sleep kids need so we Googled it and read from several sites. They all said that kids her age need 10+ hours of sleep a night. After seeing this, she didnÂt argue (yea!). She has to get up at 6:30, so lights out at 8:30 (we actually start the bed-time ritual at 8:00). My 14 y.o. sd goes to bead at 9:30. My dd has no problem accepting that her bedtime is earlier because she is younger.

This didnÂt really address the issue; it was sort of an aside :-)

According to this site:

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_how-much-sleep-does-your-child-need_64915.pc?Ad=com.bc.common.AdInfo%4053b70560

seven year olds need 9.5-11.5 hours of sleep a night. My 11 year old goes to bed (voluntarily) at about 8:30, because she, like jeri's 9 year old, has to get up at 6:30. If a child or a teenager sleeps a lot later on weekends, it generally means he is not getting enough sleep during the week.

I agree 9 PM is a little late for a 5 and 7 year old ... but I would only change it for yourself...not because BM wants it done.... maybe at 8:30 let the them watch tv for a half hour ... maybe they will fall asleep maybe they won't ....

And I have to say I am shocked TOS is supporting a bedtime for kids ... how many discussions have we had over this very issue.... :-) my 12 yo SS doesn't sleep he has insomnia ... up til 2 am and back up at 5:30 am ... and not a quiet child at any time of the day or night.... His bedtime is 9 PM. My 9 yo SS's is 8:30 and 8 yo SD is 8pm.

I would also say 9pm is a little late for a seven year old.
Maybe not on a day where he doesnt have school,but if has to get up for school it does.
My daughter is almost TEN and she just now got the privllige of being able to stay up until 9pm. She used to go to bed 8pm since she was little because if she didnt get enough sleep,the word cranky didnt cover it! I found myself fighting with her in the mornings to get her to brush her hair,then she'd cry or argue about something else~usually clothes she didnt want to wear.So I was like,"That's it! You are going to bed earlier from now on!"

Then I have my nephew who comes over,and his bedtime (he is also 7) is at 7:30! So what I usually do is put him to sleep in the room by himself.When my daughter goes to sleep,I make her go in my room until she is asleep and then I move her into the room with my nephew.That way she doesnt wake him when she is going to bed.

Here is a flip side to this argument . . . .

I know how hard it is to have someone outside your household tell you how to run it. BUT - think of it this way. If your SS has one lifestyle/set of rules at one house and another set at the other house, how hard is that for him?

We have custody of my SD12, and have tried for years to compromise with her BM on a "code of conduct" that both households could adhere to so that she has consistency regardless of where she is sleeping. Mainly because SD is with us the majority of the time we set the standard, but there have been things I've had to let BM "control." This isn't to say things are hunky dory by any means, but it does mean SD has one bedtime, etc.

And to weigh in, I think 9:00 is a little late as well. SD12 is in bed at 9:30, and DS6 and DS3 are down by 8:30.

If SS isnt doing his homework on Mondays, thats a problem. And if said too tired on Mondays,but not others day, I think most parents would adjust bedtime. Yes, X has no right to say every one should have earlier bedtime, but if you have ealrier bed time for SS than the younger biokids, SS will hate you and the biokids. So I would think about not changing the older kids, but the SS and younger ones have an earlier one.

cawfecup,

I don't think I ever advocated sleep deprivation. My kids don't have a specific bedtime on weekends, and only the youngest has a bedtime on school nights. She voluntarily goes to bed at 8:30 on school nights - I rarely even have to mention what time it is.