There is no set age in florida, only a clause that says a Judge may take a child's preference into consideration if the child is deemed mature enough to make the decision.

oh lord, that is about as vague as they come... thank you though

we have that same verbiage - fun, isn't it?

Mom_of_4 is this a serious question? I canÂt be sure any more on this forumÂ

A court will listen to the child  age does matter  older merits more weight  but nothing is guaranteed. So much more does (and should) play into a decision such as this.

The courts listen to the mediators who are licensed family counselors. The mediators talk to the parents and the child and make a recommendation. At least in CA they doÂ

Pretty well every state will allow older chldren to have a say. Some states, the right for a child to choose is absolute at 12, such as in georgia and I think washington. Other states, at 12, the child has the right to preference as long as there arent any serious factors to prohibit it, Texas is one example. In other states, its 14, such as in Arkansas. But most of the other states have a vague clause in there that says...the wishes of the child, blah blah, if the child is mature enough to express them.

Family lawyers consider that age for most judges to be around 12. 14 is considered old enough to show a strong preference in most states. In Canada, 14 year olds can pretty well choose, it would take serious reasons to stop them from voting with their feet, even though its not enshrined in law anywhere.

Most judges feel that the teen years are turbulent enough without trying to force a teenager to live with a parent that they dont choose to live with.

And an awful lot of teenagers, who have lived with one parent for years and years,decide they want a chance to try the other household out. Its not a reflection on anyone;s parenting, its just what teens do.

IF they decide the grass is NOT greener, and they want to change back yet again, after a year or so, and most of them do, the other parent cant stop them any more than you could stop them in the first place. Kids do this all the time. I read stats somewhere, that said in sixty something percent of divorced homes where both parents have stayed part of the kids lives, at least one kid moves in with the other parent while in their teens.

Unless there are very serious reasons for the child not to be with the other parent, its probably not worth fighting in court. Getting a mediator involved might help. Perhaps all the other parent wants is more time with the child, and some parents try to convince the child to move in because they want to get out of child support payments. Its sad, but it does happen. Unfortunately, if you take it to a judge and accuse the other parent of only wanting the kids to avoid child support, you are likely to lose because you appear to be the unfriendly parent. GO figure.

Nothing about family court is ever fair or just. You are expecting a judge to make a decision knowing relatively few facts and none of the dynamics involved. They get a file, review it for an hour, hear a little testimony, and suddenly have to make decisions that affect two entire families. Its impossibe for them to know all the facts, especialy when the facts are probably disputed by both sides.

The best thing you can do is make the kids as comfortable as possible in your own home, and teach them how to set boundaries with everyone, you, the other family, their friends, their schools....and help them develop their own self esteem. Kids who know how to say no , and who see themselves as good people, are less likely to be influenced or pressured by what other people tell them they should do. Thats about the only recourse you have.

yes, this is a serious question.

FYI; 3 skids that have lived with us for more than two years. BM decided she wanted kids back for this school year.. Since then things have gone very down hill... Every day she finds another reason why the kids cant come over or why they cant spend the night with dad.. it has become progressively worse and now oldest is so upset that he cant be with his dad (he never wanted to stay with mom but we thought it would be a good idea for him to bond a little with mom and she is technically cp) and now she has gone to an attorney to start garnishing wages for child support... This has all happened rather quickly... like in the two months since school has started. And, things are about to get worse... we are in the process of getting an attorney to take her to court... I only asked because oldest is 10 and above and beyond anyone else he is hurting the most to come home. If he gets a choice we absolutely know what that choice will be... he has tried talking to his mom repeatedly since she brought up them going with her for the school year... wanting to stay with dad.. but to no avail... and she seems to not really give a damn... last night at football he asked again BM said no... oldest went off to be by hisself ... she made the comment as if it was some big joke "oh is he still sulking" to which DH said "no, he is upset"

yes, this is a serious question.

FYI; 3 skids that have lived with us for more than two years. BM decided she wanted kids back for this school year.. Since then things have gone very down hill... Every day she finds another reason why the kids cant come over or why they cant spend the night with dad.. it has become progressively worse and now oldest is so upset that he cant be with his dad (he never wanted to stay with mom but we thought it would be a good idea for him to bond a little with mom and she is technically cp) and now she has gone to an attorney to start garnishing wages for child support... This has all happened rather quickly... like in the two months since school has started. And, things are about to get worse... we are in the process of getting an attorney to take her to court... I only asked because oldest is 10 and above and beyond anyone else he is hurting the most to come home. If he gets a choice we absolutely know what that choice will be... he has tried talking to his mom repeatedly since she brought up them going with her for the school year... wanting to stay with dad.. but to no avail... and she seems to not really give a damn... last night at football he asked again BM said no... oldest went off to be by hisself ... she made the comment as if it was some big joke "oh is he still sulking" to which DH said "no, he is upset"

Oh dear.

You may have to spend some money and get court ordered evaluation , so that your son can express his preference to a psychologist. At ten, he is on the edge of being old enough to choose, and if he has clear reasons, and the approval of a professional, then it is likely he will be allowed to come back to dad's house, particularly since there is a history of dad having the child. What state are you in?

Mom 4all,

you say the mother has gone to court for CS garnishment. Does that mean Dad is behind in payments?

no, that means the kids have lived with us until about a month or two ago so he most definately was not paying her any money....

Mom_of_4 getting a lawyer is the right thing to do. They will know what your options are. I also believe the sex of the child matters especially during puberty which your SS is just entering into. I think most believe that a boy needs a man and a girl needs a mother during these years. There are exceptions of course, but this could work in your favor with the son.

I also think that if the kids have been living with you for 2 years without BM trying to get them back, that should have some merrit on getting placement back to you. From what I have read through the years, it is very difficult to change a custody arrangement once the child has lived somewhere for 2 years or more. Although, since you agreed to the change, it might be more difficult.

I agree with the statement to get the child into counseling. Although, it might be more difficult since the BM is obviously keeping the children from you. Even if the physical placement doesn't change you definitely need to get a lawyer and get a very specific visitation schedule set for you.

I can't even imagine going from the children living with me to not even being able to see them!

Mom of 4, I still dont understand, is this an order for CS from years ago that wasnt modified?

I asked a lawyer that years ago and he says here in KS there is no age law. Even at 12 I don't think the child should make the decision. Mom or Dad may buy or promise them a horse, computer, etc., and the child couldn't make a wise decision, they don't see the whole picture.

jonesy, that is why the older the kid gets, the more weight their preference has. Older kids are presumed to be able to rationally explain their reasons, and if its bribery OR because one parent lets them stay up all night and not do homework, etc, the judge can deny the motion, and probably will. At fourteen , pretty well all states seriously take the kids choice into consideration, but that doesnt mean that the judge will allow it, if the reason isnt a good one. In some states, the right is absolute, though.

Mom of 4, is there some reason you dont want to answer my question -- what is the CS dispute about

I was not avoiding your question. I simply have not been online since before it was asked. And, in answer to your question... yes it was an old order ... infact the original divorce decree that was never changed. At the time she wouldnt hear of changing it, we really didnt have the money to fight it, and everything seemed to be going well. We took the dont rock the boat strategy and we lost.

If the mother still legally had custody and had been awarded child support, your husband was not allowed to stop paying it, even if the children actually lived with him, until he got a modification of the order. She is legally entitled to seek back child support.

That is what I was getting at. If the judge sees that there is back CS owed, he may question the intend of the custody change. I will stipulate that the facts are as you state, but it could make the judge have a different fram of reference.