Jay, I guess this is just an anonymous place where we come to vent, to get advice, understanding or a just fresh perspective from people who have walked in our shoes. As you know, the step-family dynamics are SO different from that of an intact bio family.

You should be very proud that you have survived the trials and tribulations of adjusting to step-dom ... and you've emerged a better person because of it! Congratulations!

I have a success story! I am the proud stepfather of an 8 year old girl. I became a part of her life when she was 5 years old. We get along like peas and carrots. And what will surprise you about this situation is that her bio-dad is alive and very much a part of her life. Although he did move 1000 miles away and only sees her at summer and christmas break, he also calls her every Sunday night.
She loves me and I love her. Every tyime I turn around she is their tugging at my shirt tail to play with her, and I oblige her as often as I can. She loves what I love, she loves my music, my favorite NASCAR driver, my TV shows, and they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

The secret to my success story is that I looked for help with my situation because it did not start out all that good. I read a book called "The Guide To Successful Stepparenting". (That's not the exact title, I don't have the book in front of me but if anyone is that interested I will find out the exact name and author and post it on this board at your request.) It taught me a few simple rules that I have lived by and have made all the difference.
Here they are.

1. Don't enter into competition with the bio-parent, it is a fight you are destined to lose. Even a deceased bio-parent can wield unimaginable power as the child tends to idealize them more and more over time, setting a standard noone can live up to.

2. Don't create unrealistic expectations in your mind of the perfect Norman Rockwell family. We all know real life is nothing like a Norman Rockwell painting.

3. Don't try to replace the child's bio-parent. Simply state that you are a very good friend and that you love them and that you must assume the role of a parent in the household. (this eventualy provides you with the leverage to discipline.)

In the early days when it was rough I wrote a poem:

I know I'm not your father,
I know I'll never be,
But I can be a friend to you,
and you a friend to me.

Sometimes, it seems a hopeless cause,
like something not worthwhile.
But all my doubts disappear with
one toothless smile.

Tony Lescak, 1999