Oh wow. I do not understand that. 9 months since she's made contact???

:(

It almost makes it worse, the sporadic contact, doesn't it? Either in or out, lady, make up your mind!

"And she thinks about him and his sisters each and every day and misses them with her whole heart and soul! GAG ME NOW!!
Does she really think that writing that bull down makes it real? I mean if she really missed them sooo much wouldn't she have made contact in the last 9 months?? "

Your point of view certainly makes sense --
But sometimes human behavior isn't logical...

In other words, while I CERTAINLY don't condone her actions, I have no trouble believing that she actually DOES think about her kids every day. Let's say she knows how bad a mother she's been (Duh) which gives her 'the guilts' and makes it hard for her to pick up the phone and call. So she puts it off. Which makes it even harder, because now she's put it off again, making her a worse mother and making it even harder to call. (Have you ever found yourself in a situation like that? Maybe a late Thank You note or RSVP?)

Not to excuse her, but...

Sweeby what your saying does make sense. I have done that before with a thank you card or RSVP....but not with each one!!

This lady has had umpteen chances to make things right with her kids. When she moved back near us last year she had the biggest chance. But she chose to blow off visitations she scheduled. She chose to rarely call the kids. She then chose to move out of state again without even saying good-bye.

The kids have forgiven her so many times and given her so many chances. And she resorts back to the same behaviors. Hard to feel bad for her or give her any slack since this has been going on for years.

I just do not feel like it is right for any parent to go months without even a phone call to their children! Children should be a priority.

This is why I have a problem with absent but still "involved" parents. We told BM not to bother trying to contact the girls at all if she wasn't planning on being clean and actually being involved. It's sick to give the kids JUST ENOUGH CONTACT to make them hold that F-ing flame. It's selfish and sick.

It's like they call when they get guilty and then pat themselves on the back for being such good mommies and then promptly go back to acting like they have no kids untill the guilt hits again. It's like the can go back to getting high or drunk with a clear conscious because they called their kids and talked to them for five minutes.

DH put it to BM like this

"Get clean and f-ing get INVOLVED or go get hit by a train."

We haven't heard from her since. I guess she'd rather get hit by the train than give up the narcotics. That's her choice and her choice alone and we sleep fine at night.

We did at one point hear from Grandma that she was supposedly in treatment but when we asked her to send a letter stating what treatment she was in, how often, was she getting tested, etc etc. We never heard back. We contacted the prison and all she would have to do to obtain proof of treatment is sign a release form. Bottom line: she isn't in treatment. She's bumming cigarettes, throwing spades and hanging out untill her time is up. She is probably even still finding a way to get drugs. At this point we couldn't care less either way.

what sweeby said.

&, although it wasn't asked for, my thought is that the attitude expressed by comments like "ya, right" needs to be nipped in the bud.

If they're doing that stuff now, they'll be even more judgmental in the future, & their mother is their mother regardless of how you (or I or any other adult) feels.

I wish you the best.

" my thought is that the attitude expressed by comments like "ya, right" needs to be nipped in the bud.

If they're doing that stuff now, they'll be even more judgmental in the future, & their mother is their mother regardless of how you (or I or any other adult) feels."

I have to disagree.

I think these kids need to be allowed to express how they feel. Comments like those are made out of hurt and anger---both of which IMO are very justified.

It's certainly a rotten situation --

And when BM is so unreliable or is drug-addicted, you really have to wonder if it would be best if they did just disappear. Sporadic contact or none? Rock or hard place?...

So do you try to alleviate the guilt so she'll call more? Give her the Train speech? (So she'll either shape up or go away?) Or move and leave no forwarding number?

Wow! Well i hope that she gets it together soon. I think sporadic contact could be even more hurtful in some cases.

I once dated a guy whose ex was a charming & beautiful woman;
as I found out (later, it's always later), the divorce was entirely his doing.

He was never able to enjoy anything without *having* to destroy it, marriage, business, whatever.

One day I walked in as he & his teen-aged daughter were discussing her mother, & I was appalled.

He was encouraging this girl to talk about her mother in a condescending & pseudo-analytical way.

When I told him later that I thought it was very bad for a father to encourage his daughter to talk disparagingly about her mother, he said, "you'd feel differently if you knew her history".

At the time, I was shocked at the detachment & malice, & later, after I found out about her "history" (married too young, too naive, too dumb, easily manipulated by overbearing husband who later used his daughter as a tool to keep his ex under his thumb), I was dismayed & appalled to realize how close I had come to being in the same position.

"Expressing feelings" can so easily turn into rancor & bitterness, & it just isn't good for anybody, not the kids, not the custodial parent, not the fragile or non-functioning parent.

Everybody, kids, grown-ups, puppies, learns reality by what happens every day.

Encouraging children to expect that their non-functioning parent is to be expected to function sets them up for disappointment & rage.

Expressing disappointment promotes disappointment.
Expressing rage promotes rage.

It would be so much better to treat the non-functioning parent as maybe a kind of Auntie Mame or big kid, (fun if she shows up but if not we have cocoa & marshmallows) than to keep fanning the fires of disappointment & rage & disfunction.

"It would be so much better to treat the non-functioning parent as maybe a kind of Auntie Mame or big kid, (fun if she shows up but if not we have cocoa & marshmallows) than to keep fanning the fires of disappointment & rage & disfunction.

sorry I just have to chime in here..I completely disagree with this statement. Children are not stupid, as they get older they "get" that the absent parent is not doing what they are supposed to be doing...infact, we used to use the above philosophy with SD....we didn't want SD to feel bad, so we covered for BM as much as possible making things appear "better" and not as "big of a deal" as they were. When we took SD to counseling, our couselor told us to stop doing this because it was in her best interest to understand the truth and deal with it in a healthy way...
It sounds to me that OP's children have started to open their eyes, and I am sure they are angry, AND they have every right to be, and to express that anger, hurt, and pain.
Back to the topic though...I do think that we (parents, Sparents and children of absent parents) live in a completely different world than truely absent/no contact for months parents....I think to the absent parent, feels like they can pick right up where they left off or act as if nothing ever happened and time hasn't past without them there...for instance SD's BM didn't have contact for 6 months....DH gets a VMail that she is ready for her weekend visit? uuuhhh WTF? we hadn't heard from her in 6 months? DH doesn't call back right away, he calls lawyer first to see what to do....meanwhile, BM texts the next morning....saying why didn't ou return my call I am ready for my weekend, and I gave you two weeks notice...as if she hadn't been absent for 6 months, as if SD should just be ready to jump in her arms and run off in the sunset...NOT...BTW she canceled that visit, and it has now been over 2 years since she has had ANY phone,physical ANY contact w/ SD.....If i tried to make SD believe, or give the impression that BM was an "Antie" cool if she comes cool if she doesn't, she would A)look at me like I was crazy, B)know in her heart I was lying to her ....I would never do SD the injustice of feeding her a line of crap and giving her the perception that it is OK to leave your children, so BM appears innocent.....not happening...My SD will grow up knowing that she has a Daddy and a SM who love her very much, and would lay down and die for her, she will know that she has a BM and that for whatever her reasons, is not able to be a part of her life, she will always be allowed to express her emotions about being abandoned by BM whether they be good or bad, an she will also grow up knowing that what her BM has done IS NOT the way parents are supposed to behave because I don't want my SD thinking that its ok and repeating the cycle........
Children deserve to know the truth, and deserve to be able to deal with the emtions in a healthy way...thats jsut my two cents

"We didn't want SD to feel bad, so we covered for BM as much as possible making things appear "better" and not as "big of a deal" as they were. When we took SD to counseling, our couselor told us to stop doing this because it was in her best interest to understand the truth and deal with it in a healthy way.."

My SD's counselor told us the same thing. My SD will make similar comments about her mom, so what we ask of her is to use 'feeling' words rather than 'snotty' words. . . . for example "ya right" becomes "it really upsets me when my mom pretends to care." Most times when SD is making a derogatory comment about her mom she is correct in her assessment, and she has a right to express frustration/disappointment/disgust. It's all about the way you encourage them to do so and the words they choose, IMO.

I was raised to respect ANY elder and still believe that. . . to an extent. BM has caused me to realize if you can't give respect you really don't deserve it back, and I'm not going to encourage SD to grin and bear it when her mom dumps on her. I won't allow nastiness, but I won't shut her down either. She's entitled to express her feelings.

It just seems to me that all this holding people accountable (people who are not going to ever *be* accountable) is like banging your head against a wall because the wall wasn't supposed to be there.

& everyone here knows how to get things done in a practical way-
like the thread about clothes (good clothes sent over, ratty clothes returned)-

People groused a little about the "other" parent, but they addressed the problem pragmatically, & *taught the kids how to manage the situation*.

So the kids don't get all stressed & bent out of shape about their "other" parent being unreasonable or irresponsible about clothes.

so they don't have to "express their feelings" about the clothes situation.

Having a step-by-step system to deal with things is not only reassuring but good life management as well-

Take the good tennis shoes, put them away when you get there & put on the grungy ones;
when it's time to return, put away the grungies & put on your good ones.

so much better than seething about how awful the other parent is for keeping all the good clothes.

If I were to speak to children who have a disfunctional parent, I would say:

The person you drew for a mother is a vast disappointment?

Be comforted that you aren't the only one;
neither God nor the great Universe picked you out & said, "hmm, think I'll mess up this kid's life with a mother who doesn't fulfill her responsibilities".

It just happened, & it's your mother's problem, not yours.

Don't get yourself all tied in knots & resentment because of her deficiencies.

Don't obsess about it, don't expect *anything* from her (better to be pleasantly surprised if something works out than angry every time it doesn't), don't let yourself be pulled into the big ole disfunctional wheel.

The most rewarding way to live your life, is to *stop expecting responsible behavior from this person*, find out how & from whom you can get your needs met, & focus on that.

Step right out of that disfunctional mess & go forward;
enjoy your life with the people who love you & who take care of you, & focus on making your own life a healthy, happy one.

I get what your saying sweeby. I have said similar things to the girls (my ss really does not care about bm or what goes on because he doesn't really know her).

But the reality is that bm does not do what she is supposed to do. The girls are old enough to know that it is not ok for a mom to go 9 months without calling her children. They know it is abnormal for a mom to up and move without so much as a good bye. I am not going to tell them otherwise, because I want them to know right from wrong. I do not want them to have kids and pull the same stuff someday!

The "ya right" comment was made between the girls when they were discussing the card after ss left the room. I was not a part of the conversation and was not going to interject myself. They did not say anything really nasty. If they would have pulled out a swear or something then I would have stepped in. And as for the comment about the card being a little late I found that to be quite factual. The girls know that their brothers b-day was over a month ago.

I have learned that I should not expect anything from bm. I still resent it and it still bothers me at times. For the girls it is even harder because they know what a mom should do and know how much theirs fails in comparison. I can not take away their feelings and I am not going to correct them on how they feel because I agree with how they feel (I just do not express it around them).

I have to agree with sylvia in some sense. I would worry about children growing up bitter. At the same time they aren't stupid, they know what mom does.

that's right, fd.

They already *know*.

so dwelling on it is just...dwelling on it.

& if stepmom resents the mom's disfunction, you can bet kids pick up on that, too, & mimic it, or assume it as their own feeling.

Kids' lives are complicated anyway, & growing up is scary.

far better to not ever ever let them pick up on anything like resentment & to not reinforce their negative feelings.

"But the reality is that bm does not do what she is supposed to do"

Exactly.

She doesn't.

She doesn't, she hasn't, maybe she can't, she won't, whatever.

& dwelling on it takes up *your* time & *your* life, & the kids' time & their lives.

It will *not* make her do what she's supposed to do.

somewhat off-the-wall, but here's a parallel:

Years ago, I talked to a woman who rescued Collies.

She told me that she was offended by a call she'd gotten from an owner who wanted to surrender her collie;
the dog hadn't been vaccinated or spayed or checked for heartworm, & the rescuer said she just refused to deal with that kind of situation;

all that stuff was the owner's responsibility, & the owner could just darn well deal with it.

but the owner didn't/hadn't/couldn't/wouldn't/whatever.

& if Collie Rescue didn't do it, the Collie was the one who suffered;
the owner sure as heck didn't.

People often *don't* take care of "their responsibility".

They don't take care of their kids, or their dogs, or keep up their car insurance, or make sure their checks don't bounce.

& you & I & half the world can disapprove, & it won't make it happen.

The only thing that'll help is something like, uh, well, Collie Rescue, & even that won't make people more responsible;
it does helps the victims of irresponsibility.

"& if stepmom resents the mom's disfunction, you can bet kids pick up on that, too, & mimic it, or assume it as their own feeling."

Sylvia I have done my best not to show the kids how I feel about things their mom does. I have never talked badly about her to them. And I don't talk badly about her when they are around.

Their feelings are a result of her behaviors and their maturity. When they were young they knew no better and accepted her actions. As they have gotton older they have formed their own opinions about their mom based on what they see other moms doing.

They see how I have been to them and my son. They see how relatives treat their children. They see their friends moms treat their friends. They have noticed on their own that their mom is the complete opposite and what she does is not normal.

We try to get them not to focus on all that. And for the most part they don't. But when she does something as ridiculous as not call for 9 months and then send a b-day card a month late without even calling on the birthday they are entitled to their opinion. And they are not stupid. They are teenagers already!

"they are not stupid. They are teenagers already!"

laughed out loud at that:

You could have said, "They are not stupid, they are teen-agers already, *indeed they are smarter than everybody else*!"

I do know that it's good that you try not to show them negative feelings, & maybe you just, like we all do, blew all the steam outta your head right here where they don't see it.

"it makes me sick" just sounds like her insufficiencies still push your button.

which is a waste of your time & energy.

& of course, I'd probably holler on some forum or other if the "if you knew her history" guy popped in here & imposed himself in my current, James-free life...

I was thinking about the "And they are not stupid. They are teenagers already!" as I wrote it. I found it comical too. But I meant it to show that they are not little kids anymore and know whats going on.

your SKs are probably embarassed because of mom's behavior. Mom is a loser. Makes me think of students whose parents come intoxicated to parent-teacher conferences. Such embarassment...