I would side with the SD ... jointly you two should infor the kids that either their JOB is school, and they should be working at it diligently, or they can drop out and flip burgers while they come to the realization that a high school diploma is necessary ticket to any job that pays enough to support themselves in something besides poverty.

If they aren't full-time diligent sutdents, I'd be charging them room and board, making them cover their car insurance and maintenance, buy their own clothing, and do a set amount of chores for the privelege of taking advantage of my roof.

I was a substitute teacher for a while, in HS around here. There was a big buzz in study hall about "Johnny", who had declared that he was over 16, old enough to drop out, and did so. He had apparently spent the day cruising the lunchtime hangouts, then Friday and Saturday evening hanging with his friends, and really enjoying himself.

Sunday his dad dragged him out of bed at 7am, tossed the want ads and a bill in front of him. The bill was for room and board and car, and was due the next weekend. He had to go back to school, or got to work and pay room and board and car expenses to the parents, or they would declare him an "emancipated minor" (if you are under 18 and don't obey your parents, they can do that!) and make him move out and pay room and board to someone else and buy his own car. Well, Johnny spent the next few days realizing that he couldn't get a decent job as a dropout, couldn't afford the places he wanted to live in and was AFRAID to live in any palce he could afford on a minimum wage job. He was back in school wiht a whole new attitude.

Thanks Lazygardens,
Guess I just needed to know I wasn't being cruel by siding with my DH. Sometimes the boys look at me as though I should defend them from his demands. Needed to know I have to be tough and stand by him on the issue. It's real hard though I won't lie, I still feel like a monster.
Angel

You would be more cruel if you let them slide, defending them from all demands that they start growing up.

A friend of mine used to look at his kids when they asked "why" they had to do something undesireable for their own good and say "Because I'm cruel and wicked and hate children".

Well, it is good to know that there are some dad's out there that still expect their sons to act like men. If you aren't willing to make those demands, step back and let him do it. Making excuses for them isn't doing your kids a favor. They are going to be out in the real world in a year or two whether you like it or not. It's much better to prepare them now than to let them slide untill reality smacks them upside the head.

Although you may feel that you have to protect them, you are actually enabling them to not grow up. Yes, their age may say that they are "men" but they are certainly not acting like it.

As I have posted previously, I am in a similar situation with my SD. She did great in high school, but once she graduated, you would have thought that she didn't have brain in her head. Her decisions or lack there of were that of complete irresponsibility and certainly not that of an "adult" - as she claimed to be.

I made some of the same statements to my dh that yours has made to you. He didn't and still hasn't accepted the fact that I am trying to help his little princess be a productive "adult" in society, but he only thinks he sees and hears his daughter say that I am being mean to her. She actually does say that I am mean and has made up many lies about what I supposedly have done while he is out of town. She is 19 going on 16. But on February 3rd, 2004, she will be leaving for the Airforce, so I guess she will have to finish growing up in a place with strangers. She will also be too far from home for us to drive over to see her.

So I guess what I am saying is, force these boys to finish school and then get a job and join the real world. They will be so much better for it in the long run.

My marriage has been severly stressed over this situation and I am so saddened that it has become this way. You need to be on your husband's side on this issue. He sees things so much clearer than you as their Mother. We mothers are clouded with memories of them as little kids and our emotions get in the way of what is "right" for them at their age. Good luck

Angel,

Good advice all the way around! Many times the step-parents can indeed see things more clearly than the bios because steps aren't blinded by the overpowering emotion.

Stop making excuses for your sons and protecting them so much. It's easy -- they either go to school or go out on their own. Seems like right now they are telling YOU how things will be. Regain your control!

Angel, your husband is right. However, even though you both agree, he should stay out of it publicly and let the rules come from you. They will never accept it from him, no matter how sensible his advice is.

It also depends on whether they are unable to do well in school or if they aren't trying. My two children are as different as night and day. Our daughter tries so very hard and can barely get C's. However, she is very bright and creative, very artistic and has a lot of common sense. Our son whips off papers in seconds and rarely cracks the books and is getting all A's in advanced placement classes but couldn't draw you a smiley face if his life depended on it. Not everyone is cut out for academics. Some develop a poor attitude about school when they are very far behind and feel that they can't catch up. A little tutoring might help with that. I'm all for the tough love as well as its well placed. It takes all kinds to make a world!

Angel,

It's extremely important that you see to it that your sons shape up, learn some discipline, and finish high school. My two oldest step sons (36 and 33) are perfect examples of what happens when they don't. Many years before I became their SM their bio mom allowed them to drop out of school, though both eventually got GEDs. The oldest mooched off DH's family until they finally had enough of it and is now working as a mechanic, living in a run down trailer, and his inlaws have custody of his four children because he can't afford to support them. The younger has a better job but has absolutely no money sense. If you've read MIStepMom's posts about her SD's financial irresponsibility, this is the kind of thing we're still dealing with. This SS is an adult with a family, but you'd never know it.

Please do your sons a favor and help them grow up. They won't be happy about it now, but will thank you later.